First Timer - Critique Please...

[Karen Connell]

Hi,

This is my first attempt at a sales page.

Here

Could you please give me your opinion?

You can go for the jugular - I'm thick skinned!

Thank you

Karen

p.s. I've just spotted the typo...

[Nick Pena]

Hi Karen - Looks good !

Consumers like to know that they are getting value from there purchase. While your sales page does a a great job of selling me on the idea that you are passionate on this subject. I think it could do a better job at selling the content in the book.

I would include a quick excerpt or quote from the actual book. So that readers have an idea what kind of content is included. This will also reinforce the value message to them.

Best Wishes on your new site,

Nick

[5Tool]

Hi Karen- Great to see another dog lover on the forum.

One of the keys to a great sales page is often to find the "buried lead" on the page. The headline is of primary importance.

Think about why your target market would want to read your book- you have a good lead headline further down the page if you modify it. You might consider a classic lead something along the line of:

"How to Successfully Breed a Litter of Healthy, Thriving Puppies...the Stress-Free Way"

If your target market is breeding mainly as a profit-making venture, you might change it to "How to Profitably Breed..." etc.

You might want to use checkmarks instead of straight bullet points-it gives the site more pop.

I have a few additional suggestions but I'm sure you'll get plenty of good ones from the group here.

A good start though...

Good Luck

PM me if you need any additional help

-Mike

[Karen Connell]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for that.

I'm not aiming for the 'breeding for profit' market - there are too many unwanted dogs bred to encourage more...

More trying to provide a simple, easy to follow book about the breeding process for the first timer or nervous breeder.

I'm actually struggling to find a good, eyecatching headline - so will have a look at expanding on your suggestion.

I'm open to any more suggestions that you may have, you can PM me if you'd rather.

Thank you

Karen

Originally Posted by 5Tool

Hi Karen- Great to see another dog lover on the forum.

One of the keys to a great sales page is often to find the "buried lead" on the page. The headline is of primary importance.

Think about why your target market would want to read your book- you have a good lead headline further down the page if you modify it. You might consider a classic lead something along the line of:

"How to Successfully Breed a Litter of Healthy, Thriving Puppies...the Stress-Free Way"

If your target market is breeding mainly as a profit-making venture, you might change it to "How to Profitably Breed..." etc.

You might want to use checkmarks instead of straight bullet points-it gives the site more pop.

I have a few additional suggestions but I'm sure you'll get plenty of good ones from the group here.

A good start though...

Good Luck

PM me if you need any additional help

-Mike

[5Tool]

Karen- I was hoping you'd say that. Too many people are in the pet business purely for profit.

Really the starting point is to figure out what the dominant emotion is that drives people to want to become dog breeders.

Let that be the focus of your sales page. One good idea is to pull up some sites that talk about breeding, or visit breeder forums (I assume there are some). Get your pulse on what people are saying and what's importnat to them.

I'm not sure what you are using the site for. If it's a pre-sell as it appears to be, you might want to add an email capture to gather email addresses to keep on a notification list for when the book comes out. You can offer them an extra bonus gift (extra tips?) for giving you their address.

That way you have a built in buying list (at least a percentage) when the books comes out.

Hope that helps.

-Mike

[Karen Connell]

Hi Mike,

The site was only put up so I could get some feedback on the copy.

It will be the sales page when I can get copy that doesn't suck!

I'll be taking it down again to improve the copy soon.

Thanks again for your help

Karen

[Karen Connell]

Originally Posted by RogozRazvan

Hey Karen,

I've sent you an email to your Google account ... about a deal where we can both win.

You have +400 posts and good credibility ... I have 3 years experience of copywriting and need of some credibility around here.

Let me know ASAP what you think.

Regards,
Razvan

Thank you - I have replied to your email.

Your suggestion is not for me.

Karen

[Lee56]

Originally Posted by RogozRazvan

Hey Karen,

I've sent you an email to your Google account ... about a deal where we can both win.You have +400 posts and good credibility ... I have 3 years experience of copywriting and need of some credibility around here.

Let me know ASAP what you think.

Regards,
Razvan

Let me know ASAP what you think? LOL. Nice call to action there Razvan. I've not been at the WF very long, but from posts I've read here over the past few months, it seems that the critique forum is for giving *helpful* critiques, not *sales pitches,* like you do iin your first post and then again in this one.

A truly helpful critique with a signature line and link to a copywriting services pages, yes. But a "critique" that does nothing but trash someone's sales letter and try to create fear around losing money with PPC if they don't hire a copywriter while in the same breath mentioning they've got x years experience? And then following this up with another public post to say a private email has been sent offering a "deal"?

Just a tip - if you are going to do social media marketing in forums, give value, be supportive, include a link to your copywriting service in your signature but don't use the critiques as a way to apply sales formulas such as highlighting problems to set up a pitch for your solution. That can go in *your* sales letter on your copywriting site.

Best wishes to you

[Lee56]

Karen I don't feel quite qualified to give a critique because I'm still learning and I don't know your target market, but just a couple things that stood out to me -

Maybe a benefits based headline or question headline that grabs attention by zeroing in on the main concern your target market has with the process of breeding/birthing and caring for the puppies and mom? And while I don't really like the "WARNING - Read this before you..." headlines, they seem to work. This one here for example www.CakesMadeEasy. com converts well, but again it all depends on the target market. A benefit driven headline works for most markets and probably yours since you're not marketing to the accountant/engineer type. Put Google Anayltics on your page and check the viewing times. If you have a high bounce rate or most aren't staying more than a couple seconds, than that's a good indicator the headline needs rewritten.

If you need the "gun dog" and such for keywords maybe you could work them into a subhead or something instead?

I really like the banner and visual of your book/buy now button. I would move the button down just a tiny bit, just so that it stands out.

You do go a job building your credibility. Maybe you could work some more of that in earlier? Again I am no expert on this and I know the focus should be on the reader.

How about a picture of you with some puppies crawling all over your lap and mom sitting next to you - or something like that :-)

I agree about the bullets and have the same issue on my sales page.

After you've tweaked things, please post again. I'm just getting ready to get to my job right now but will look again then to see if I can offer anything useful.

Cindy

[Karen Connell]

I have had a kind offer from a Warrior who is going to make some much needed improvements to my copy.

He is doing this without charge.

There are some truely helpful people on WF that are not trying to turn a profit at every opportunity - unlike some...

It will be a week or two before the copy on the page will be changed.

Thank you all for your constructive comments - much appreciated.

Regards

Karen

[The Copy Nazi]

Nice job. Needs tweaking but good start. Here's a head for you -

"Beautiful, Talented Bitch Desperately Seeking Stud"

[Karen Connell]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Nice job. Needs tweaking but good start. Here's a head for you -

"Beautiful, Talented Bitch Desperately Seeking Stud"

Thanks Mal - love it,

Could that be me...?

Nope - don't do desperate- ever

Karen

[Karen Connell]

Originally Posted by superaffiliate007

1. Add more videos
2. Add more pictures
3. Add call to action form (prefer red colour)
4. Add discount
5. Create irressistable offer
6. Add more reviews
7. State that why they should buy this (emphasize the pain if they don't buy the product)
8. Emphasize the joy if they buy your product
9. Add subscription form for your mailing list (give free bonuses for them to opt in)
10. Add more bonuses
11. Use more attractive mind blowinbg headline

Hope this helps, and don't forget to say thanks for me

Thank you for your suggestions.



Karen

[k0zm0zs0ul]

Originally Posted by Karen Connell

Thanks Mal - love it,

Could that be me...?

Nope - don't do desperate- ever

Karen

Hee..I'm with Metro on the headline. Current one is a bit of a mouthful for my tastes. But you'd have to tweak the copy some more to gel with a headline that's so in your face. Definitely doable!

Also, for me, I'd make the initial bullets statements, rather than questions. Sometimes it's too easy to lose your reader if you happen to ask a question they're not looking for an answer to, and you could also include a benefit or two right away as well.

So for instance, (If the page was mine..) Instead of:

Have You Got a Beautiful, Talented Bitch That is
Successful in its Field - Showing, Obedience, Agility, GunDog etc.

• Are you thinking about breeding a litter of puppies from her to carry on that bloodline?
• Do you think it is a great idea but have no idea where to start?
• So, do you just go for it and hope that ’nature will take its course’.
Well - you could, but are you being fair on your bitch?

Doesn’t Your Bitch and Her Puppies Deserve the Very Best Assistance Available During the Pregnancy, the Birth and Afterwards?

I might change it to this:

"Beautiful, Talented Bitch Desperately Seeking Stud" (Mal's header)

So You've Got a Beautiful, Talented Bitch Excelling in Their Field... A Pro at Showing, Obedience, Gundog, etc. It's Time to Carry On that Bloodline, the RIGHT Way! (subhead)

You could of course:

• Just wing it, and let nature take it's course... do the old 'Cross your fingers and hope for the best' deal.
• Spend a bundle of cash hiring a 'Pro' to handle your girl's business for you.
• Or you could skip it altogether, and let that beautiful bloodline sink into oblivion.

Any of those are viable, but not exactly attractive options. C'mon...

Is That Really Being Fair to Your Bitch? (subhead)

She's performing her heart out for you, and excelling at every turn. Her bloodline deserves to be carried on, and she deserves the best experience possible while doing it.

• She deserves a handler that will give her the absolute best assistance during her pregnancy.
• She deserves a handler that will bring her through the birth with flying colors and minimal discomfort.
• And she deserves a handler that can help her after the birth, through those initial trying learning stages of bonding with her pups.

She's YOUR Baby, and You Need to Help Her with HER Babies, the Right Way! (subhead)

OK..lol you get the picture. Keep in mind, you've got a pretty good start, that is just my own personal preference of how I would start the page off. Everyone is different and has their own ideas. And also, I'm not real familiar with breeding, so the bullets may not be entirely accurate, lol I winged it! Hope that helps.

Warm regards,
C

[superaffiliate007]

Hi, I meant don't forget to click "Thanks"

[Karen Connell]

Hi Cori,

Excellent stuff - Thanks!

I'm not really brave enough to use Mal's great headline for this one - a bit too 'in yer face' for my target market.

I'm not targetting the 'breed for profit' area which that would have been great for...

But the rest of the stuff you suggested is great!

However, at the moment a very generous Warrior and friend is re-doing the page for me. So, I'm looking forward to his suggestions also.

Thank you again for taking the time to have a look for me.

Regards

Karen

[Karen Connell]

Originally Posted by superaffiliate007

Hi, I meant don't forget to click "Thanks"

I know exactly what you meant

Karen

[Mr. Enthusiastic]

Hi Karen, here's my review.

The ad starts with someone who is not sure whether or not they want to breed the dog. But your product headline is actually for people who want to help their dogs that are already pregnant. This is confusing.

It's also not clear why someone would need your guide, instead of just asking the vet's advice.

If your guide is supposed to help people with initial decision, selecting the breeding partner, etc., not just pregnancy and delivery, then you need a more inclusive title. Maybe: How the first-time dog breeder can succeed - what you need to know.

I have cared for over 60 different bitches during their pregnancy and delivered the puppies for their owners

That should be near the top. Add some description of why this is emotionally rewarding: Miracle of life, thrill of carrying on a lineage, etc. Do you have some pictures from some of those 60 dogs? Especially pics of any second-generation dog breeding?

losing both the pups and their Mom

This should be next. The fear of not knowing what to do. The fear that the vet's advice won't be enough. The fear that you won't be able to understand the vet's advice. The risk. Do you have to pay someone else if your dog is going to be safe through the process? Emotions of concern and uncertainty might be in your prospect's mind. Empathize with that.

this book will help to give you confidence

That's the part that comes next. Here is where you can use a classic bullet point approach. Ideally you can also sprinkle in some testimonials from some of the happy owners of the 60 dogs you helped breed!

Looks like you've got some new material but it needs to be reorganized to walk the prospect through their emotional journey, satisfying their intellectual curiosity along the way. Get those key points covered, then use classic sales letter formula to organize it all in an easy to follow way.

Will you offer any kind of follow-up advice for buyers of your book? That's a huge part of Lee56's offer. Might it help your buyers feel peace of mind that you've got the answers for them?

Chris

[k0zm0zs0ul]

Originally Posted by Karen Connell

Hi Cori,

Excellent stuff - Thanks!

I'm not really brave enough to use Mal's great headline for this one - a bit too 'in yer face' for my target market.

I'm not targetting the 'breed for profit' area which that would have been great for...

But the rest of the stuff you suggested is great!

However, at the moment a very generous Warrior and friend is re-doing the page for me. So, I'm looking forward to his suggestions also.

Thank you again for taking the time to have a look for me.

Regards

Karen

Anytime Karen! It looks like Chris has offered some great suggestions for you as well, so between everything you have here and the warrior helping you out, you should be able to put together a pretty great sales piece.

Warm regards, and good luck!

C