Help!! Need a sales page critique please!

[nuwav]

Hi everyone,

I need a critique on a sales page, can you please tell me what do you think and how I can improve it.

It would be mostly appreciated.

Thanks :-)

>>>My sales page

[travlinguy]

First, I really like the design. Next, there's a fairly serious grammar flaw in your headline. You have: "Learn How To Get 1,000 Of Visitors"

You either need to say, thousands of visitors or 1000s of visitors... I think you'd be better off writing it out as in the first example. Finally, I'd get rid of the centered text and go with left justified. I'll leave you with that and let someone else comment on the actual copy. Good Luck!

[Andrew Gould]

Hi Avis,

I've just read through your site and I think there's two main problems:

1. Not enough detail. Everything about it feels generic, like it could be for any traffic product. You really need to explain why yours is the guide to buy and not one of the dozens of others on offer. To do this you could inject some personality by making more of your no-traffic to traffic story (e.g. any interesting personal details or how you discovered your new methods). Make it more emotional, what does it feel like to blog every single day and only have a couple of people reading your genius? Also, you could use more bullets and put the page number of the book it appears on. Basically, make it stand out from the crowd. And remember, if you're targeting beginners they might not know some of the jargon so make sure you define it, it's better to over-explain than under-explain.

2. The quality of writing isn't great. There's a lot of little errors that you need to eliminate. There's nothing wrong with it not being perfect but too many errors are going to put people off.

On the plus side though, the design looks great.

This should get you started and if you need any more help just ask.

[jimmymc]

I'm not a copywriter...but, I can tell you the headline doesn't work for me.

"Would You Like To Learn How To Get
1,000 Of Visitors To Your Blog
Using Totally Free Traffic..."

Problems I see:

Change "1000" to "thousands"

"thousands of visitors" and "free traffic" are basically the same thing.

add "methods" or something after "free traffic"

...go from there...rewrite it a hundred times if you have too.

[RickDuris]

Good effort. Add a video of yourself with a bit of personal commentary/copy, but nothing hyperbolic. Be sincere. - Rick Duris

[nuwav]

Thank you all, for your comments :-) I will take them onboard. Writing sales copy is not my thing, I will give it a good try. But I am glad most of you like my sales page design, I did it myself :-)

[nuwav]

Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

You've got quite a few grammatical errors
which will need correcting straightaway.

The second sub headline certainly needs
attention, it doesn't make any sense what-
soever.

Now, the deck (introduction) isn't terrible,
however, I'm picking up the distinct feeling
that this introduction has been lifted from
somewhere else, as in, it's not original. It
appears to me as if you've simply copied it
from elsewhere, tweaked it a bit, replacing
a few words to make it look like your own.

From the second sub headline down, it's
all downhill literally. As if you couldn't be
bothered to write the rest of the sales
copy that first jumped out at you as
being fairly reasonable and believable.

In essence I'm saying that it looks like the
work of two pieces of sales copy. I don't
think I'll be the only one picking up on this.

This will obviously affect your credibility.

Your main headline too, is pretty weak,
certainly there's not much of a hook there
or any major benefit to me which will entice
me to keep on reading down below.

Overall, fairly unconvincing.

Best of luck on the rewrite - keep it original!

Warmest regards.


Mark Andrews...

Hi Mark

Thanks for your comments, I am not really enjoying writing the sales letter, I think I need to try a different approach or get someone else to write it for me. :-(

[The Copy Nazi]

"Would You Like To Learn How To Get
Thousands Of Visitors To Your Blog
Using Free Traffic Methods..."

...I Will Show You Precisely How I'm Doing It.

That headline is a dead dog. Take it outside and shoot it. You're setting yourself up for a "No" answer. You'd be better off cutting to the chase with -

"Here's How To Get
Thousands Of Visitors To Your Blog Using Free Traffic Methods"

Doesn't exactly set the world on fire but it's better than what you've got. And never, ever, ever use this tired old line "Plus much much more".

[Buckwheat.corn]

I'm glad you gave the sales copy a try.

But you definitely need a new sales letter.

I recommend getting and reviewing a number of proven sales letters and using them as templates for your sales letter page.

I agree with the other comments by the other reviewers.

[Daniel Ray]

You're on the right track, but it's obvious you are starting out.

One great suggestion I got from someone in the past, is to practice by retyping a good letter, so you can get the feel for writing the letters.

I'm not saying to actually publish someone elses work, but to write it in your own private space, so you can get a good instinctive feel for writing the letters.

Keep on trying.

Now you can see why top copywriters get paid so much money for what appears to be just a simple letter.

Best of luck.

[AnneE]

I was surprised your product was so cheap $7 and that you didn't have any testimonials. You could address both of these by saying that you know these techniques have worked for you, but since the product is brand new you don't have customer feedback yet and so you are offering the product for $7 for some introductory period.

Or.. you can offer the product on a trial basis to a few people and get their feedback.

I think you have a good start. I know sales letters aren't my thing either. I would consider adding a question/answer section like:

Question: Do I need technical skills to use your product?
Answer: No, screen shots and videos make this product something your Grandma could use

Question: Is it time-consuming to use these methods?
Answer: no, 30 seconds a day is all it takes (okay, not the real answer)

Good luck!

Question: How long does it take after I start using these methods before my website is on page 1 of Google?

[activetrader]

Include testimonials

[nuwav]

Hi everyone

Changes has been made to the sales page, what do you think?
I have not included the testimonals yet, will add them soon,

Thank you all for your comments :-)

>>>My sales page

[Moolah_Copywriting]

Avis,
Actually, This is a great first effort.

As usual the critique comments are great. Implement them and you will add polish to this letter.

One thing I noticed: I am missing the part where you sell me on what a high-traffic blog will do for my life. I'm very close to writing off the letter as an "Avis Autobiography" rather than seeing it as something that will personally benefit me.

Get into the reader's imagination - future pace them a bit so they can see themselves enjoying the benefits of your product.

Stan

[Ronak Shah]

I am unable to realize what is your USP (unique selling proposition)?

What is so different & unique about your offer that no other marketer/blogger within your marketplace offers?

I think you've done a great job though you certainly require to improvise on the letter.

I think I can help you further with a great critique. I'll post a copy of the critique here as well.

I'll send you a PM shortly with the complete critique. It'll be better if you PM/email me your email address.

[wrcato2]

The site looks great. I agree with everyone else here that the copy sucks big time. To many spelling and grammer mistakes. Your price for the product is unclear and the gaurentee could be better... if you believe in your product.

I would use a lot more verbs or action words to boost the copy, but try not to make it to pitchy. That turns off buyers.

Q: Are you selling through click bank?
Q: Are you planning on having an affiliate program?

What kind of results are you getting with your blueprint?
How much traffic per day?
You don't have to answer I am just curious.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by wrcato2

The site looks great. I agree with everyone else here that the copy sucks big time. To many spelling and grammer mistakes. Your price for the product is unclear and the gaurentee could be better... if you believe in your product.

I would use a lot more verbs or action words to boost the copy, but try not to make it to pitchy. That turns off buyers.

Q: Are you selling through click bank?
Q: Are you planning on having an affiliate program?

What kind of results are you getting with your blueprint?
How much traffic per day?
You don't have to answer I am just curious.

Should read "Too many spelling and grammar mistakes...guarantee...too pitchy"

This page is still horrible - copy and design-wise. That shadow font in the headline might look cool but it's very hard to read. The heading is too long and way cheesy - "And now he finally agrees to share his Blog Traffic Blueprint with you". Right. You honestly think anyone is going to fall for that?

The subhead is a better headline - Give me just 5 minutes and I'll show you how you can instantly use my secret traffic system to make your blog a powerful traffic magnet... Guaranteed!

[Ronak Shah]

Discover The Hidden SECRET Blueprint Behind Driving Insane Levels Of Traffic, Literally 1000's Of Red HOT Laser Targeted Visitors, To Your Blog In No Time!

Within just 5 minutes, I'll show you how YOU can make your blog "a powerful traffic magnet" instantly using my SECRET traffic system... Guaranteed!

Dear Blogger,

I am about to reveal what has never ever been shared by anyone in my Blog Traffic Blueprint...

This creates a lot of curiosity within the buyer. It makes the customer hold on to the page much better than what he'd written earlier. I find the statement quite powerful as well. I find it hits the nail.

Problem with his copy is.. he has not identified what separates him from the rest. I could improve the headline much better if I had known his USP.

The OP will have to wait. As soon as I get some time, I'll give him a critique.

If the OP does not use this headline and sub-headline, I'll definitely use it. I find it interesting.

[wrcato2]

I agree with both of you guy's the sub head reads well. Maybe he should use it as his headline instead.

@ Malcolm thanks for the grammer lesson I really don't edit what I write in forum post. As long as it is readable and understandable. I don't spend much time on the forums as is. Way to busy.

[nuwav]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Should read "Too many spelling and grammar mistakes...guarantee...too pitchy"

This page is still horrible - copy and design-wise. That shadow font in the headline might look cool but it's very hard to read. The heading is too long and way cheesy - "And now he finally agrees to share his Blog Traffic Blueprint with you". Right. You honestly think anyone is going to fall for that?

The subhead is a better headline - Give me just 5 minutes and I'll show you how you can instantly use my secret traffic system to make your blog a powerful traffic magnet... Guaranteed!

Great, there is something you like :-) ...I agree the subheading is better, I might use it for the headline

[nuwav]

Originally Posted by ronakshah

Discover The Hidden SECRET Blueprint Behind Driving Insane Levels Of Traffic, Literally 1000's Of Red HOT Laser Targeted Visitors, To Your Blog In No Time!

Within just 5 minutes, I'll show you how YOU can make your blog "a powerful traffic magnet" instantly using my SECRET traffic system... Guaranteed!

Dear Blogger,

I am about to reveal what has never ever been shared by anyone in my Blog Traffic Blueprint...

This creates a lot of curiosity within the buyer. It makes the customer hold on to the page much better than what he'd written earlier. I find the statement quite powerful as well. I find it hits the nail.

Problem with his copy is.. he has not identified what separates him from the rest. I could improve the headline much better if I had known his USP.

The OP will have to wait. As soon as I get some time, I'll give him a critique.

If the OP does not use this headline and sub-headline, I'll definitely use it. I find it interesting.

I like the headline and the sub headline, I will use it. Thanks... The blog traffic guide takes you step by step by the hand and shows you how to get targeted traffic instantly using free traffic methods and tools.

[Ronak Shah]

I can certainly rewrite the whole sales letter.

I think you've done what most aren't able to do.

Let me know if you want me to improve your complete sales letter.

If you need help, feel free to PM/email me.

You need to add bonuses and increase the price to say $27.00 or something.

You need powerful testimonials from established internet marketers as well.

If you've a report selling for $7, I think many people do think it may not be as powerful as it's seeming to be.

[nuwav]

Originally Posted by ronakshah

I can certainly rewrite the whole sales letter.

I think you've done what most aren't able to do.

Let me know if you want me to improve your complete sales letter.

If you need help, feel free to PM/email me.

You need to add bonuses and increase the price to say $27.00 or something.

You need powerful testimonials from established internet marketers as well.

If you've a report selling for $7, I think many people do think it may not be as powerful as it's seeming to be.

Thanks, I was going to change the price and add a bonus, I actually have the perfect bonus that compliments my guide and its a very good product :-)