Constructive Critiques, Please!

[ZhaoAnXin]

Hi,

I've just decided to turn off my squeeze page on one of my sites, and stick with only the sales page.

I know there are tons of super genius people here so I'd like to get your feedback on my sales page if you have 5 minutes.

Here it is:

Thick Black Theory - The New Art Of War

Other than testimonials (which I'm collecting, but only want from legitimate buyers) how can I up my conversions?

Peace Warriors

[travlinguy]

First, the formatting needs a lot of work. Next, it's really hard to tell what you've got unless you get into the text. And then, it's still hard to tell that this is a book about developing personal power. I didn't click on the video because the text didn't do enough for my curiosity to make me. The page also has some grammatical issues.

Your headline doesn't do much for you. I think you need to lead with a header that says exactly what the information will do for you. Then you can use what you have now as a sub header. For example,

Discover how to easily dominate your own little piece of the world using these amazing lost secrets...

Then put in the stuff about how China came to power using the methods as your sub header.

Even though you've got a long way to go to get this into shape I found your offer mildly interesting. And that might be the case for many who visit the site. But rather than try and wade through what you have, I'd probably do a search on the book you're holding in the video. Your job is to make the presentation focused enough to keep people on your page to get that info and then buy it from you. Good luck.

[Andrew Gould]

Hi Zhao,

Your copy fills the entire width of my screen which isn't very easy to read. Try a width of 600-800 pixels.

The copy itself isn't very informative and the first video didn't really tell me anything. The second video looked like it may have more to it but it bored me so I stopped it just after the long-winded intro. You need to explain in far more detail what the book actually is. All I got from your page was that it teaches how to conceal and impose your will.

You say you've got the only translation. I'm sure there's at least one interesting story behind that you could use on your page.

You need to proofread it, there's quite a few little mistakes in there.

[The Copy Nazi]

Mate, we don't do "constructive criticism" here. We do "destructive criticism". Especially when something looks like it's gonna bomb. And this is one of those times. The book might be a good read but you're not pitching it properly. And the videos are, quite frankly, not very good. I would need to have a close look at the product to help you more. But here's some headline suggestions -

"Thick Black Theory" - The New "Art of War"

"Thick Black Theory" - is China Set To Take Over the World?"

"Thick Black Theory" - Read About the Rise of China

"Confucious say - "Thick Black Theory" is the New "Art of War"

Thick Black Theory
“When you conceal your will from others, that is Thick. When you impose your will on others, that is Black.”

The classic Chinese text of Lee Zhong Wu on the ruthless, hypocritical means men use to obtain and hold power.

UPDATE: the funny thing is, "thick" in British and Australian slang means "stupid". As in - "that guy is a bit thick".

[ZhaoAnXin]

Thanks for the feedback. Will go back and look at the formatting, first of all. Then the videos.

I'm not trying to do slick looking video, but for sure the second one needs to be fixed up.

Thanks for the feedback again.

[markgilbert]

Other than the great points offered by other members, keep in mind that your header MUST bring your viewers into your ad copy below. If it doesn't (a) peak their curiousity, (b) stand out above the rest of the noise (other offers), (c) appear genuine, and (d) speak in terms of "what's in it for me (the reader)", you will lose them before they get started

[Alex Cohen]

(d) speak in terms of "what's in it for me (the reader)"

Exactly.

At best, the sales letter implies or gives vague benefits.

"secrets that you can best use for your purposes"
"a powerful life strategy"

How will these specfically benefit the reader?

"take many years or even a lifetime to master"

People are looking for quick and easy ... not maybe someday.

Alex

[Loren Woirhaye]

For selling a book via direct response, this page is not
making it happen. You need to think more like a
marketer and not like an author.

Eugene Schwartz was one of the total masters of
selling relatively pricey, short-run books by mail. He's
dead now, but his single-page space ads are legendary.

I think at your price point and without major work
on your copy your book will not sell very well. Your
intention to market the book yourself with a salesletter
is a pro-active step in the right direction though.

Fundamental to selling something like this is you need
to tap-into a demand that is already there and channel
it towards your product by creating an emotional
longing for the almost magical solution to life problems
your product can solve.

[misterkailo]

"If you’re looking for a powerful life strategy that isn’t overly complex, whether you’re a beginner or an expert, then the is just the thing."

"then the..." what? When I see that type of error, I would expect your book to have a lot of error as well. That does not convince me to buy anything.

[ZhaoAnXin]

Thanks for the additional critiques . . .

I'm going to take some time to work on things between now and new years.