It's Now 12.32AM & I've Finally Completed V.2 Of My Sales Letter After 2 Weeks!

[sashagilberg]

I already had a sales letter, but I completely re-did it.

It's taken me a lot longer than I expected but I'm pretty happy with the end result. Would love to hear your opinions on my newly updated sales letter at
DJYourNameHere.com

Please be brutally honest I would love to hear what you copywriting experts have got to say about it.

thanks!

[Loren Woirhaye]

Your headline communicates your excitement but it's not
as potent as it can be.

"Play At Nightclubs Within 2 Weeks" is the core of your
headline appeal - that's not the end-benefit (which is
some kind of fulfillment, social status, income, proof
of one's own worth) but it is the means to getting that
end-benefit.

There are a lot of ways to write a headline - and different
opinions as to what a headline should try to accomplish.
My opinion is that the headline should entice with a promise
of fulfillment of self-interest, not try to sell the product
unless you're saying "banana - $.99/lb" in which case it's the
bargain price that does the selling.

But here I think you want to show in the headline something
like "In Two Weeks You'll Be Mixing and Spinning In Clubs"
or something like that. Try to make it short and straightforward.
I don't know DJ jargon too well so that's not a very artful
headline, but I hope I've given you some idea how to make
it more powerful.

[Moolah_Copywriting]

Alex,
This is good. You obviously know your stuff and I can feel the passion in the body of the letter. You just need to get the passion into the headline.

You need to identify the #1 emotional state that the reader want's to achieve For example:

"How to Get Every Club In Your City Fighting To Book You Solid"
"Forget About Learning the Ropes, Let Me Show You the Insider Techniques to Mixing Like A Pro within 15 minutes" -
"Watch 'Em Sway to Your Mix By Next Weekend Using My Secret Mix Cheat Sheet"

You want the reader to slide their rump to the edge of their seat and dive into your copy because you have the "experience they want"

Holler!

Stan

[sashagilberg]

took all your suggestions on board and came up with this:

“Let A Professional DJ Teach You Exactly What You Must Know To Be Skilled Enough To Mix Like A Pro WITHIN 2 WEEKS, Not 12 Months. You’ll Know More Than 95% Of DJ’s & Have Every Hot Club In Your City Fighting To Book You Solid To Make Their Dancefloors ERUPT!”
If You’re Ready To SUPERCHARGE Your Learning Curve & Propel Yourself Into The Big Leagues Alongside Deadmau5, Fedde Le Grand, David Guetta & Tiesto As Fast As Humanly Possible, This Might Just Be The Most Important Letter You’ll Ever Read …

---
Will write another one focused on DJ skills people want to learn and split test that vs. the dream (the one I wrote above)

Thoughts?

[Hugh Thyer]

NNNNOOOOOOO!
What have you done??? You butchered it, and now it's gone.

Your old headline was heaps better. Now its a paragraph. By the time I got to the end, I forgot how it started and I felt strangely ill.

Look. Your old headline was good. You teach beginner DJs how to get a booked job in 2 weeks. BANG! That's the hook. Neat, simple and it'll get the attention of your target market.

[AnneE]

Hmm... maybe I caught you in the middle of revisions, but at the moment your sales page displays as unreadable on my computer/browser. I attached the screenshot.

1024x768 -- my display resolution -- and I'm using IE 7

[sashagilberg]

I've updated the sales page once again at djyournamehere.com

AND with the help of a well known IM'er made a VERY outrageous one at BEWARE

[Daniel Brock]

Originally Posted by alexgilberg

I've updated the sales page once again at djyournamehere.com

AND with the help of a well known IM'er made a VERY outrageous one at BEWARE

HAh! Revision 7 is hilarious.

I still think your headline needs work.

The section '
What You Must Know To Be Skilled Enough To Mix'

Is what caught me up. To be skilled enough...

Doesn't sound cool IMO.

Im not pro copy writer by any means, but from my perspective, that sentence really hindered your headline.

P.S. Where did you get that graphic for your 30 day money back guarantee? I have seen those floating around in some sales pages but cant for the life of me find them on the Goog.

[ABing]

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

I like to get rid of words like 'learn' and 'teach'. I would use
alternatives like 'find out', 'discover', 'unveiled to you', 'revealed'

Even though you are teaching and they are learning... How did you
feel about school? I feel is releases some of the enthusiasm
e

how about the phrase 'gain knowledge'. As in replacing 'learn' in the phrase 'the warrior forum is a great place to learn and grow as an internet marketer'?

I'm changing this after taking your advice and editing my copy to remove 'learn' and 'teach' as much as possible. because what you say makes perfect sense.

THANKS!