Just finished a rough draft for my home page sales letter (critique?)

[TKFScienceWriting]

Hi all,

I just came across this site and what a great resource. I thought about my business and what sort of plan I needed to get things going a bit more. I think it was all about marketing my copywriting services better. I have a specialized niche given my experience and so any words of wisdom on this new message would be helpful. I am very impressed by the talent I see on here from you wordsmiths.


TKF Science Writing
Science Made Simple


Are you looking to build your business and image to increase sales?


Turn your unique selling proposition into a call to action. Why? In this competive marketplace, without a unique selling proposition (usp), you will end up being swallowed.


What is my usp? Let me tell you. I have years of experience in both advertising and science. I understand the importance of good copy as well as complex scientific subjects. Need to write for an audience who uses medical devices, pharmaceuticals, or lab equipment? I have actually used these products and know their value in today’s marketplace.


The key is turning that experience into a compelling sales letter, advertisement, brochure, article, or web content.


Let TKF Science Writing take the arduous task of copywriting from your plate and turn your marketing message into Science Made Simple.

[Cruiser]

This is just confusing...You say you have years of experience in both advertising and science...then use it!!

Or am I missing something?

[NateDesmond]

Here is my critique:

Good Points

• Pretty good vocabulary
• The question at the beginning draws interest
• Nice catchy title: "Science Made Simple"

Improvement Areas

• Needs lists
• The technical jargon can be confusing (What is "usp"?)
• Should be longer
• Needs images
• Use different sized fonts, bold, italics, underlines, etc. to emphasis your points.

Please let me know if this helps!

[Collette]

Tim - Keep it simple. The basic principles of writing sales copy apply whether you are writing a sales letter or a landing page selling your services.

So, back to basics:

What are you selling?
Who (specifically) needs what you are selling?
Why do they need what you are selling?
Why should they buy it from YOU?
What are the consequences (to them) of NOT getting what you are selling from you?
How do they get what you are selling?

My brief comments are in blue within the quoted excerpt below:

Originally Posted by TKFScienceWriting

Hi all,


TKF Science Writing
Science Writing Made Simple for ? - good start to your tag line but need to connect it to "writing" and a benefit. Otherwise you could be referring to textbooks or a program or coaching or whatever. Always be as specific as you can in your copy.


Are you "you" who? looking to build your what kind of? business and ditto image to increase sales? Does it have to be sales? Could also be white papers, manuals, brochures, sell sheets, website content, etc.


Turn your unique selling proposition for most people, this is a "huh?" because they have no idea what their USP is. Which means you can't turn a non-existent proposition into a call to action. Why? In this competive marketplace, without a unique selling proposition (usp), you will end up being swallowed. All so very true. So what are you going to do to help them avoid this? Especially when I don't know what a "usp" is? In other words, this is the "Why you need what I'm selling" part.


What is my usp? Let me tell you. Trust me - I haven't asked. And I don't care. Because I don't know what a "usp" is. What I want to know is, "How are YOU, TKF, going to help me accomplish my goals?"

I have years of experience in both advertising and science. I understand the importance of good copy as well as complex scientific subjects. Sequencing. You understand the importance? of "complex scientific subjects"? So what. There's no "importance" to complex scientific subjects. However, it IS important to be able to explain complex scientific subjects in a way that's easy to read and easy to understand. Don't assume your reader is going to connect the dots or make some "obvious" leap of logical conclusion. They won't. You have to do it for them.

Need to write for an audience who uses medical devices, pharmaceuticals, or lab equipment? FINALLY. The merest glimmer of an offer. Except the prospect doesn't need to write for anyone. He needs something WRITTEN FOR HIM. Big difference. Once again, connect the dots for the prospect. Show him how his need and your offer have relevancy to each other.

I have actually used these products and know their value in today’s marketplace. Bluntly - BFD. And unbelievable. You can't possibly have used EVERY product in this marketplace. Nor does it matter if you have or haven't. What matters is that you can convey your prospect's scientific product or service's value in clear, understandable language for ordinary, non-scientific people.


The key is turning that experience into a compelling sales letter, advertisement, brochure, article, or web content. No, the key is that YOU know how to translate complex scientific concepts into valuable, compelling, marketing materials.


Let TKF Science Writing take the arduous task of copywriting from your plate You never established that this is a task the prospect either found arduous, or was even engaged in. Don't assume. Connect the dots. Why is it difficult for most scientists to write simple, easy-to-read copy? How does this create a problem/pain for them? Why is it easy for you, even though you have a scientific background, to write this kind of copy? And, most importantly - HOW DOES THIS HELP THEM?? and turn your marketing message into Science Made Simple. Lame. Never end with your tagline unless said tagline contains a benefit for the prospect.

Also, you have no Call To Action. Your own copy should demonstrate what you're offering to do for the prospect. If you can't translate your own offer into a Call To Action, what confidence will your prospect have that you can do the same for him? Walk your talk.

How are they supposed to get what you're selling? Tell them exactly what to do next.

Hope this helps.

[TKFScienceWriting]

Thank you all for taking the time to read through my rough draft. I will use your advice and revise my "pitch".

[Moolah_Copywriting]

Whle you are rethinking your pitch keep in mind that you will need to differentiate your METHOD from everyone elses' - essentially you need a strong USP of your own.

The current copy reads like the beginning of a wikipedia entry. It's begging for a defined and provocative reason why your approach is the "only sane solution"

Stan

[The Copy Nazi]

Terrible piece of writing from "The School of No Idea". This reads like something a hardware store owner wrote for an advertorial in "Smalltown News". Lost in the Fifties.

Forget the friggin' USP. You know how old that stuff is? Rosser Reeves from Ted Bates coined the expression in 1940 - yeah, back in The Dark Ages. In 1961 he had this to say - (from Wikipedia)

In Reality in Advertising (Reeves 1961, pp. 46–48) Reeves laments that the U.S.P. is widely misunderstood and gives a precise definition in three parts:

1. Each advertisement must make a proposition to the consumer. Not just words, not just product puffery, not just show-window advertising. Each advertisement must say to each reader: "Buy this product, and you will get this specific benefit."
2. The proposition must be one that the competition either cannot, or does not, offer. It must be unique—either a uniqueness of the brand or a claim not otherwise made in that particular field of advertising.
3. The proposition must be so strong that it can move the mass millions, i.e., pull over new customers to your product.

And for Gods sake forget about slogans. That's from amateurville as well - "We gotta have a slogan". What's yours? "Science Made Simple". Excuse me while I barf.

The thing is, TKF, your copy is dead boring. A yawnfest. I'm tempted to tell you to give up and take up another line of work. But if you want to improve...and if your hide is thick enough, I'll break it down for you like Collette has -

You write - "Are you looking to build your business and image to increase sales?"

If you ask a direct question like that, there are only two replies - Yes or No. Guess what most people will answer?

Turn your unique selling proposition into a call to action. Why? In this competive marketplace, without a unique selling proposition (usp), you will end up being swallowed.

Gobbledy gook. We know what you're talking about but a lot of people wouldn't. Then you have a blatant spelling mistake leading into the USP bullsh*t.

What is my usp? Let me tell you. I have years of experience in both advertising and science. I understand the importance of good copy as well as complex scientific subjects. Need to write for an audience who uses medical devices, pharmaceuticals, or lab equipment? I have actually used these products and know their value in today’s marketplace.

I couldn't care less what YOUR usp is. All I care about is how you can shift a sh*tload of product for me. "You understand the importance of good copy" huh? And yet you serve up this drivel. And then hit me with yet another cliché - "today's marketplace".

The key is turning that experience into a compelling sales letter, advertisement, brochure, article, or web content.

So where do I find someone to do it for me, 'cause your copy sure as shootin' isn't ringing my bells. "Compelling sales letter" it's not.

Let TKF Science Writing take the arduous task of copywriting from your plate and turn your marketing message into Science Made Simple.

Groan. You love that slogan don't you? But this whole line reads like something you'd see on a retail shop front - "Let Joe the Plumber get you into hot water!" type of thing.

Harsh aren't I? You can either get all hurt and offended or you can swallow your pride, learn something from this and start again. But as it stands, that copy is a dead duck. cheers, Mal.

Next!

[Mr. Enthusiastic]

Hi Tim,

So you're moving from science into copywriting? I recommend you use Bob Bly as your model (bly.com). Some of his books, including Selling Your Services and Secrets of a Freelance Writer, describe the exact approach he took to using direct mail to start his copywriting career. You'll also find his books to be an invaluable resource for issues such as handling rates, deadlines, contracts, and customer service as a service vendor rather than an employee.

Since his background is originally in chemical engineering, I think you'll appreciate his factual, straightforward approach. Take a look at the Books section of his site to see his current material. His Portfolio section is an awesome swipe file, by the way.

I have no association with him other than appreciating his published advice.

Chris

[Lady]

Im sorry, but I feel it lacks depth. Can you add more subject matter.

[colmodwyer]

Tim,

I think you're casting the net a little too wide by going after the "science" niche. Try being more market specific, make it easier for potential prospects.

As for your letter, I don't think you're convincing anyone you know how to increase sales... your current copy is highfalutin nonsense! The recommendation to study Bob Bly is a good one, as far as I know he does alright for himself as a B2B copywriter.

More study in general wouldn't be a bad idea, either. Pick up a few of the classics (from "The Dark Ages") and learn how to write more persuasively.

Colm