Please Review My First Salescopy!

Doloboy · 01-17-2010, 09:39 PM

Hey Everyone,

This is my first attempt at writing a sales copy for my new eBook and Script. The eBook is the main product, while the Script is only a bonus (because of the constant need for development and fixes).

If there's any information you guys may need or want, please ask. Thanks for helping!

Movie Money Maker

Thanks,
Kielan

ghyphena · 01-18-2010, 04:05 AM

Kielan, it's not bad at all.

First and foremost, your site doesn't reek of the cash-spurting, ferrari-flaunting hype found in typical "online biz-opp" sites. Good stuff.

As for constructive advice, I think it's still a little on the short side. There's probably more selling to be done.

From the point of view of someone looking to make money online, I have two concerns:

1. Traffic
2. Monetization

And although you've paid lip service to both, you haven't really reassured me yet.

If you were to elaborate a little more - even if you don't reveal anything proprietary - it could make a big difference.

For example, after you say "Get Easy Targeted Traffic To Your Site", put some copy in instead of just showing a screenshot (which, by the way, means fluffle all without some explanation as to what we're seeing. Even a small caption reading "look, I get over x visitors per day without doing any promotion" would catapult you miles ahead).

Give a little explanation: at this very minute, there are thousands of surfers desperately searching for entertaining video content... but most video site webmasters simply don't know where to find them. In the ebook, I'll show you a list of 8 specific locations where you can post a link - for free - and then sit back and watch as your traffic finds *you*.

Or something to that effect.

By the way: I just took a quick look at your traffic chart. Holy Schtrumples you're getting a LOT of traffic!

In my mind, this just emphasizes the importance of a caption... when I was looking over your site my mind said "What's this block of color? Ah. Traffic chart. NEXT!"

I blanked it out. And I'm guessing many of your visitors will do the same - which is a pity considering it's not a bad proof element. (Speaking of which, if you put in a screenshot of the chart in situ - with some other stuff around it - it might look more authentic. At the moment a cynic would say you drew that up in Microsoft Excel.)

So... a caption. A big red arrow. Draw attention to it.

And explain a little more about traffic generation and monetization.

Your P.S.s - all three talk exclusively about the script. This is confusing since I thought I was buying an ebook / "system" and just getting the script as a bonus... now I'm confused. Have I missed something? I'm confused. Hmmm... I'll need to think it over.

And you've just lost a sale. Make the P.S. section clear on what you're selling. And, in my opinion, you should lose the $25 thing. Make one sale at a time, and mention the installation fee in the actual ebook.

Hope that's helpful. Good luck.

Gil-Ad

Moolah_Copywriting · 01-18-2010, 02:38 PM

I agree with Gil-Ad
You've got some proof and an offer but the lead leaves me cold.

Since this is an Internet Marketing play you will need to work to position this product as a "new" thing. I can't stress how hard it is to break into IM with a simple claim based headline and lead. It's brutal.

So you will need to do some good research and get inside the head of your prospect. It's not as simple as saying that they want to make money. Your prospect wants more and they hope your product can deliver. This is the stuff you need to attack in the Headline and Lead of your salesletter.

Overall, you want your reader to say "I never thought of this before, I wonder if it could work for me?"

Take a look at the latest "Gmail Mind Tricks" product making the guru circuit right now. Its an excellent example of "Method" Marketing that works especially well in the IM category.

Stan

Doloboy · 01-18-2010, 02:48 PM

Gil-Ad,

Thanks so much for the great review, you've helped me so much!

Everything has been cleared up as far as the bonus and eBook goes.

Can't you you enough, it's been a tremendous help!

Best,
Kielan

synergythrislington · 01-18-2010, 09:09 PM

Thanks so much for the great review, you've helped me so much!

01-17-2010, 09:39 PM	#1
Doloboy Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 12 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Please Review My First Salescopy! Hey Everyone, This is my first attempt at writing a sales copy for my new eBook and Script. The eBook is the main product, while the Script is only a bonus (because of the constant need for development and fixes). If there's any information you guys may need or want, please ask. Thanks for helping! Movie Money Maker Thanks, Kielan
	Fix Xbox Ring of Death - Wii Homebrew Help Web Designer - Internet Marketer - Advisor

01-18-2010, 04:05 AM	#2
ghyphena HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Oxford, UK Posts: 170 Blog Entries: 9 Thanks: 16 Thanked 60 Times in 38 Posts Contact Info	Re: Please Review My First Salescopy! Kielan, it's not bad at all. First and foremost, your site doesn't reek of the cash-spurting, ferrari-flaunting hype found in typical "online biz-opp" sites. Good stuff. As for constructive advice, I think it's still a little on the short side. There's probably more selling to be done. From the point of view of someone looking to make money online, I have two concerns: 1. Traffic 2. Monetization And although you've paid lip service to both, you haven't really reassured me yet. If you were to elaborate a little more - even if you don't reveal anything proprietary - it could make a big difference. For example, after you say "Get Easy Targeted Traffic To Your Site", put some copy in instead of just showing a screenshot (which, by the way, means fluffle all without some explanation as to what we're seeing. Even a small caption reading "look, I get over x visitors per day without doing any promotion" would catapult you miles ahead). Give a little explanation: at this very minute, there are thousands of surfers desperately searching for entertaining video content... but most video site webmasters simply don't know where to find them. In the ebook, I'll show you a list of 8 specific locations where you can post a link - for free - and then sit back and watch as your traffic finds you. Or something to that effect. By the way: I just took a quick look at your traffic chart. Holy Schtrumples you're getting a LOT of traffic! In my mind, this just emphasizes the importance of a caption... when I was looking over your site my mind said "What's this block of color? Ah. Traffic chart. NEXT!" I blanked it out. And I'm guessing many of your visitors will do the same - which is a pity considering it's not a bad proof element. (Speaking of which, if you put in a screenshot of the chart in situ - with some other stuff around it - it might look more authentic. At the moment a cynic would say you drew that up in Microsoft Excel.) So... a caption. A big red arrow. Draw attention to it. And explain a little more about traffic generation and monetization. Your P.S.s - all three talk exclusively about the script. This is confusing since I thought I was buying an ebook / "system" and just getting the script as a bonus... now I'm confused. Have I missed something? I'm confused. Hmmm... I'll need to think it over. And you've just lost a sale. Make the P.S. section clear on what you're selling. And, in my opinion, you should lose the $25 thing. Make one sale at a time, and mention the installation fee in the actual ebook. Hope that's helpful. Good luck. Gil-Ad
	Gil-Ad Schwartz

01-18-2010, 02:38 PM	#3
Moolah_Copywriting Warrior Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 88 Thanks: 11 Thanked 27 Times in 24 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Please Review My First Salescopy! I agree with Gil-Ad You've got some proof and an offer but the lead leaves me cold. Since this is an Internet Marketing play you will need to work to position this product as a "new" thing. I can't stress how hard it is to break into IM with a simple claim based headline and lead. It's brutal. So you will need to do some good research and get inside the head of your prospect. It's not as simple as saying that they want to make money. Your prospect wants more and they hope your product can deliver. This is the stuff you need to attack in the Headline and Lead of your salesletter. Overall, you want your reader to say "I never thought of this before, I wonder if it could work for me?" Take a look at the latest "Gmail Mind Tricks" product making the guru circuit right now. Its an excellent example of "Method" Marketing that works especially well in the IM category. Stan
	What's On Your Mind? Ask me your copywriting question or just drop me a "hello"

01-18-2010, 02:48 PM	#4
Doloboy Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 12 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts	Re: Please Review My First Salescopy! Gil-Ad, Thanks so much for the great review, you've helped me so much! Everything has been cleared up as far as the bonus and eBook goes. Can't you you enough, it's been a tremendous help! Best, Kielan
	Fix Xbox Ring of Death - Wii Homebrew Help Web Designer - Internet Marketer - Advisor

01-18-2010, 09:09 PM	#5
synergythrislington Banned Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Please Review My First Salescopy! Thanks so much for the great review, you've helped me so much!