Rip this sales letter apart- don't feel sorry for the writer!

[RevenueRabbi]

Please take a look at this salesletter... and rip it apart!

It's a first draft... I gave someone new a shot at coming up with salescopy and this is what they came up with...

It's not live yet (well... technically it is, but no PR has been given to it yet.)

take a look and give me your best (and worst) comments:

index


I'm listening

[Oxbloom]

I've seen it said many times, by many brilliant copywriters, that you want to join the conversation already going on in the prospect's head.

How many people do you think are sitting there thinking, "Man, if only I could be part of a global collaboration on a scale never before seen..."?

The whole pitch lacks focus. If you're pitching to two audiences, you're pitching to none. I think the answer to that "how many people" question I asked above (if you're lucky) is something like one in a million. You'd better hope that one guy is also desperate to be a published author, or you've lost him, too.

[Scott Ames]

Here is Your Change To Be part of a Global Collaboration on a Scale Never Seen Before...

What does that mean?


FYI: I think you were trying to say "Chance" instead of "Change"

[simdog]

You've already gotten a few comments basically saying you have a lot to work on.

Here's what I see...

What's In It For Me?

Forget super cool headlines and ninja persuasion skills. I don't see anywhere in this letter where I get a benefit out of sending you my great idea.

Other than being part of a Global Collaboration... I don't get what I will benefit from the deal.

About the only real "feel" I get is that you're coming from an approach of charity, where your trying to help others.

If that's the case then you've got to leverage that angle. Take a look at some of the charity letters you may get in the mail and use them as swipes.

Either way you've got to stress the benefit to your reader.

I hope this helps some.

[Jesse Bass]

The benefit to me would be that I could call myself “a published author.” The benefit to you would be free content. Altruism is appealing, but as a sales pitch, it’s not working for me.

This statement ~ “Remember, that one million ideas is really not that much. So we urge you to act now rather than exiting from this webpage or hitting the back button on the browser.” ~ I applaud your optimism, but I'm not convinced one million people will beat me to your deadline. However, for a reasonable fee, I'll help you sift through several million ideas to find the perfect one million ideas.

Definitely "change" the headline. Just the addition of "and" to tie the two statements together would help. So would proofing.

[All Night Cafe]

Very Bad. Can't follow. Fire your copy writer.

[Oxbloom]

The deeper I look, the more I don't see. I agree with the guy above who said the biggest glaring hole is that there's absolutely no benefit.

The only bit that intrigued me even a little bit was, "the chance to work with world-renowned entrepreneur Izzy Ginsberg." (If the exact text is a touch off, forgive me...I forgot to copy and paste, and went from memory.)

Now, I have no idea who this guy is, and have my doubts that he's world-renowned. But maybe he is. And I think THAT's your angle. Change it from the chance to contribute for absolutely no personal gain...to the chance to have THE IZZY GINSBERG personally launch your idea. Convince me that Izzy Ginsberg is a big deal, and that once he decides whose idea is best, he will marshal his resources, and launch that idea as a full-blown business, with a ruthless dedication and efficiency that would make Henry Ford leap out of the grave and stare in awe.

And with X% of the profits going directly to you...the idea man. (The rest, of course, goes to charity or whatever.)

Frankly, I don't see how filling out a form with some business idea makes you a published author anyway.

[Intrepreneur]

I thought the top part was good but it should have been followed by some social evidence. Though I do truly believe this could be done a much better way than it is now i.e a blog that urges people to submit their ideas. Then lead on to a salesetter like that if you have something to sell them. Agood example of how I mean blog is failblog type site.

[Oxbloom]

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

Try dressing like a ninja and write it at 3am....

Such heresy could get one banned!

[Steven Wagenheim]

You shouldn't fire your copywriter.

You should shoot him so he can't write for anybody else.

[Scott Murdaugh]

Man this place is getting harsh...

Criticizing the copy is one thing. But Izzy specifically said he gave a new guy a chance, it's not like there's no hope at all for this guy.

Ideas for improvement are a good thing. Crushing someone's spirit and self confidence, who admittedly isn't very experienced, I think that goes against the spirit of the forum...

To the copywriter in question, if you're reading this, don't take this stuff personally, just keep learning and improving.

@Izzy: Got your message, I'm on a tight deadline today, I'll get in touch with you soon.

Peace,

-Scott

[Cruiser]

I never understand why you guys are so lazy? You always ask for a critique of your sales letter before you have done any research to see that it is "top of the range"! The first thing I would do is see what I want and get my sales letter up to the standard.

Don't be lazy and unwilling to learn...sometimes one has to sit on your ass and study a bit!

[Sam Mlambo]

Hmm seems like your writer was trying to hit the "ego" and "envy" motivational trigger. You can tell from wording such as:

"What a great bragging right to have, that you were one of possibly hundreds of thousands of people who got their idea or ideas in on time to be a part of One Million Good Ideas. This is something that your family can be proud of long after you’re gone. "


You may want to get a rewrite to strengthen those triggers or use different triggers all together.


- Sam

[dominodivine]

I think he/she needs a stronger headline... I see so many copywriters giving critique based on formula, but I really think copywriters need to read it first, and then read it as a copywriter.

My opinion is based on reading it first and the headline just did not interest me.

Hope that helps.

[DayDreamBeliever]

Tell your copywriter to try a credibility angle as in their involvement can be used as a selling point in their marketing materials.

[DanPE]

I'm chuckling at this one now, I once knew a person called Goodideas, and while he's a good person... but seriously :

1/ 'Change' should be 'chance'. Not that that's a bad thing though, cos it makes you read and see if there are any other typos

2/ TL;DR but I understand it's RW that long letters sell stuff.

[Ronak Shah]

I hope the writer isn't reading this thread else he would be go bonkers with all the criticism.

Did you hire a sales copywriter to write the sales copy of that page?

[RevenueRabbi]

Thanks for all the input. Sheesh! I wonder why i didn't get any emails alerting me to the new posts...

I appreciate all the input form you guys. as some of you know, sometimes I have hired copywriters based on the comments and feedback they give in this forum

[activetrader]

Originally Posted by BizBooks

take a look and give me your best (and worst) comments:

index


I'm listening

You lost me at hello

[Bret Ferguson]

Like someone else said, your first headline what does that mean?

You are trying that's what counts. (unless your looking to make money but that will come......maybe....)

Side note: I don't think activetrader read anything...you never said hello

[RickDuris]

Ok, someone, somewhere put some effort into this.

But they weren't competent. ANYONE who frequents this forum can do way better.

We all know this.

Obviously this is a rewrite. Totally from the ground up.

BizBooks, Revenue Rabbi, I sincerely believe you should look at the comments posted, pick the best one(s), select the copywriter and if you're serious about making money with your endeavor, you pay someone to overhaul.

The feedback you're getting from others I know is harsh. But in this case, it's dead on, it's deserved.

But do NOT show these comments to the previous copywriter. You only want to inspire him or her. Someday, they will get better. Just encourage and challenge. Do not insult. Maybe just show them the reworked site so they can learn.

- Rick Duris

[simba]

Originally Posted by Scott Murdaugh

Man this place is getting harsh...

Criticizing the copy is one thing. But Izzy specifically said he gave a new guy a chance, it's not like there's no hope at all for this guy.

Ideas for improvement are a good thing. Crushing someone's spirit and self confidence, who admittedly isn't very experienced, I think that goes against the spirit of the forum...

To the copywriter in question, if you're reading this, don't take this stuff personally, just keep learning and improving.

@Izzy: Got your message, I'm on a tight deadline today, I'll get in touch with you soon.

Peace,

-Scott

I agree, Scott. We all to start from somewhere...at least the criticism is helpful.

[JagSEO]

Wow a part of global phenomenon and guiness book of world record, that is something! I give the guy A for effort. At least he is trying his best to make a difference in this world. But it is over the top.

[Social Experts]

Lol, it sounds like a stupid idea no one would ever do. And if you're a world renowned entrepreneur why can't you write a sales letter and come up with better ideas? LOL

Try creating a service to use your 'expertise' as a world renowned entrepreneur to look over someones idea for making money online and send them a report on what you think they should do better or something. For a small fee of coarse

[Collette]

Originally Posted by The Freshmaker

Lol, it sounds like a stupid idea no one would ever do. And if you're a world renowned entrepreneur why can't you write a sales letter and come up with better ideas? LOL

Try creating a service to use your 'expertise' as a world renowned entrepreneur to look over someones idea for making money online and send them a report on what you think they should do better or something. For a small fee of coarse

Freshmaker - Before you fire, Know Whatof You Aim For.

Your response to the OP was brash, and incredibly rude and uninformed. And totally uncalled for.

"Sounds like a stupid idea no one would ever do." Really?

Ever heard of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book series? If not, get thee to Amazon.com and search on "Chicken Soup for the ".

There is a "Chicken Soup for ... " pretty much everyone up to, and including, Kevin Riley's overworked and depressed gerbils.

Every one of those books was written using EXACTLY the same model as the OP 's (very badly written) letter proposes.

NEWSFLASH: The "Chicken Soup" series has been published in every major language and is sold in every country that has a bookstore. And Mark Victor Hansen has made - and continues to make - more bank on this idea than you will probably ever see.

Especially with that attitude.

P.S. Never confuse "rip this sales letter" with "rip the OP".

P.P.S. In keeping with my status as Resident Over-Caffeinated Curmudgeon, I probably should have used the phrase "young whippersnapper" at least once. Consider it a reprieve.

[gjabiz]

There are several approaches you could take for your project, here is one of them:
****************From the Top:

If you have at least ONE good idea inside your creative mind, we want you now.

If you are creative, if you can write, if you have just ONE little idea which you know is a good idea, why not share it with the world and get some recognition for yourself too?

One idea is all it takes to make the world a better place, even if it is in a small way, your idea could be a BIG deal for someone else.

Let us help you share your idea with the world and get you the recognition you deserve.

When you become a published author, when you see your idea in print, when other’s can read what you have written; you become instantly credible.

Have you ever heard of Chicken Soup for the Soul? One of the greatest book “franchises” in the world, and all the books in the series are a collaboration. They were written by many different people.

Collaboration can be a powerful tool, a way to leverage a LITTLE bit of your creativity into a huge advantage for your writing career. And all it takes is one little idea, one creative spark, one quick and easy effort.

We have a chance for you to share your good idea with the world in a work entitled One Million Good Ideas. Here’s how you can be a part of this collaboration:

Etc, etc.
***************

Like most copy asking for a review here, it seems to miss the TARGET...it is too much about you and what you are doing and not enough about the person reading it.

I agree with the post that points out that Chicken Soup for the Soul is one of if not THE greatest collaborative successes in publishing history.

I suggest you start over, or have your copywriter start over...clearly identify who the target is for your promotion, exactly what you need them to do, WHY would they want to do what you want them to...and when.

Approach it from a different angle, flesh out the finished project in great detail, KNOW exactly what you are going to have when it is finished, and when you can clearly SEE the finished result, you'll be able to "backward chain" the action steps your writers will have to take...and then you have a starting point for your copy.

It is just one approach, but ANY approach you take, in my opinion, would be better if your copy were less about YOU and more about the reader. It seems that I am a one mantra pony in the show, but, really, copy is about THEM, and not about you.

Good luck with your project.

gjabiz

[BrianMcLeod]

Gordon and Collette steal the show with grace and wisdom.

Me likey.

[Kay King]

I am not an expert copywriter (either annointed or self-appointed) but I'm surprised how quickly "fire the copywriter" is the answer. What did he have to work with? One big high flying idea about "posterity" and "your name in print" (that would be online print).

Yes - this idea has been done successfully (and perhaps the OP has done it before on a smaller scale). But it needs a more focused solicitation of ideas rather than "tell me everything you know about anything". Mary Hunt has made a fortune collecting "money saving tips" from reader of her membership site. The books she sells wouldn't be nearly as good if they were "ideas about everything" - in fact, they might not sell at all.

Chicken Soup books have a topic "for the XXX's soul"

The concept and slogan are fine - but then it just stops. Why not provide a broad list of topics rather than a few examples? Ask for the best ideas for those topics - and provide a way for readers to vote for "best" to get people involved. Do it right and you could have 50 topics - and 50 ebooks in the end.

"Click here" is used for a reason - you have to tell people what to do. As it is now, people will stop at "what can I write about" - and it will be like a brick wall. Faced with having to make a decision, they'll leave.

Providing some structure and details to the business plan would give a writer more to work with - and have a better chance of attracting reader's interest, too.

just my 1.5 cents (can't afford it)

kay

[mello]

Just curious ... feedback started at the end of January to fix the typo in the headline and nothing's happened. I'd have thought that would be a quick fix, irrespective of the other feedback on the sales letter.

Am I being cynical or does this seem like a clever way to get warriors to view the page and maybe be inclined to submit articles for free to be rewrapped as PLR?

Apologies if I'm out of line but I can't see a half decent copywriter producing this so figured there was something else going on here. Hope I'm wrong.