Does this copy suck?

[daddyg]

Hi Guys,

I''m soon to launch a new product at

Profitable Email Marketing - Small Lists Big Profits

and I would REALLY appreciate all constructive criticism on all aspects of the salespage but
in particular the headline and the colors.

Many thanks.

Graham Cox

[Loren Woirhaye]

No Graham, it doesn't suck.

I didn't go over it with a fine-toothed comb but it strikes me
as competent. I don't find the headline very exciting though.
Sometimes the headline can be hard to come up with.

"...or your money back." seems tentative to me here - like
you aren't sure your product will work.

Joe Schroeder has a good tagline - "Twist your list" - used to
describe a method of monetizing a list built for one purpose
in other ways.

I know for a fact that people are very impressed if you tell them
you made a lot of money with a small list - they can get their
minds around building a small list but a big one seems overwhelming.

You have to sell HOPE to the guys who are struggling to build
a list and make money from it. Hope.

[Eric Engel]

That copy is pretty good. It's not often that people ask for critique when they don't need a whole lot of direction. Often (on the CWB), I just shake my head and move on because I don't even know where to start.

I'm with Loren on the money back thing.

You're not trying to sell from the headline. Your guarantee should be close to the call to action, and it's usually a waste of space to put it anywhere else.

[David Raybould]

Hi Graham,

I'm with these guys ^....

It's actually pretty good copy. I'm sure there are things that could be improved upon, but the main issue before your launch is to get the headline up to scratch and put a big noticeable guarantee box above your main call to action.

The other stuff you can worry about and really start to fine tune once you start getting some traffic. This will remove any either/or issues for you, as some simple split testing will quite easily reveal the most profitable option for most areas of the page, including headline and colors.

Hope that's useful

David

[daddyg]

Hi guys,

Thanks very much for your feedback...I'm actually quite chuffed you guys think it's not bad. I've written a bit of copy before but only just started reading books on it.

Anyway, I agree the headline is weak...it was my thought before I posted here.

I'll have a think about alternative headlines over the weekend and post back here.

Thanks again.

Graham

P.S. David, I've just take you up on your WSO for a software product I have in development!

[Eric Engel]

Graham--

I really don't think the headline is weak. I mean, yeah, you might be able to improve it. But it's nice and concise. It tells people exactly what you're offering.

I see it over and over again...people try to bloat their headlines and eventually stop communicating with the prospect.

Clarity trumps persuasion every time. This is one the big points from Flint McGlaughlin, and I'm a firm believer in it. I've seen numbers go up quite a few times by using a 'weak' but 'clear' headline.

[J Elizabeth Dize]

Very eye-pleasing and good copy But, the headline doesn't scream out to me and is a bit drab.

Overall, very good! Just get that headline going.

[daddyg]

Hi Eric / Jenn

Interesting points...I'm not a big fan of those headlines that go on forever with multiple subclauses either. But I wonder if it could be made more specific. I might try using the sub-head underneath it as the headline instead:-

Discover How One Internet Marketing Newbie With A Tiny list of Just 602 subscriber's outsold guru's with lists of ten, twenty, even forty thousand or more.

But I think my best bet is to write up a few dozen, then pick 4 to split test against one another.

Cheers...Graham

[Eric Engel]

What I would do is read the headline out loud and see how it sounds. Every day I see the headlines getting longer and longer. If you look at some of the eye tracking heatmaps, you'll see that headlines get very little attention.

As a matter of fact, I've tested product sites with and without headlines, and it made absolutely no difference. Of course, this wasn't for info products, but it shows how much stock readers REALLY put into headlines...unless the headline actually informs them about what you have to offer.

I wonder if the mega-headliners have ever even bothered to test their paragraphs-turned-into-red-bold-text against a simple, clear headline. Every time I test the two against each other, I see the smaller headline winning.

Of course, this doesn't mean your headline shouldn't be enticing. But read some of Schwartz's headlines. You don't see him 'word stuffing'.

Oh well...I guess it's just my opinion. Didn't mean to get on a soap box.

[zapseo]

Originally Posted by Eric Engel

What I would do is read the headline out loud and see how it sounds. Every day I see the headlines getting longer and longer. If you look at some of the eye tracking heatmaps, you'll see that headlines get very little attention.

One could easily draw the conclusion from that that headlines don't count. That would go against about 80 years' worth of advertising testing, from Ogilvy to Caples and beyond.

Be careful of the conclusions drawn from little information -- I see people steered wrong by "sound bites" all the time.

As a matter of fact, I've tested product sites with and without headlines, and it made absolutely no difference. Of course, this wasn't for info products, but it shows how much stock readers REALLY put into headlines...unless the headline actually informs them about what you have to offer.

"IT DEPENDS" -- again, without further details, this could lead people off into the weeds.

I wonder if the mega-headliners have ever even bothered to test their paragraphs-turned-into-red-bold-text against a simple, clear headline. Every time I test the two against each other, I see the smaller headline winning.

Of course, this doesn't mean your headline shouldn't be enticing. But read some of Schwartz's headlines. You don't see him 'word stuffing'.

Oh well...I guess it's just my opinion. Didn't mean to get on a soap box.

I agree. I think the long headlines have gained popularization with Carlton. But Carlton's mastery is rarely achieved in those long headlines.
The purpose of the headline is to get the reader's attention -- an overly long headline is like a boring visitor -- you've given them a bit of attention and they decide to take excessive advantage.

I would be as bold to say that, after a certain length (10-14 words) -- extra words actually dissipate the user's interest in reading on...BUT ...it's all in the details, LOL. Not the sound bites.

Live JoyFully!

Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
NextDay Copy

[zapseo]

(My addendum might be...BUT if you are going to use a headline -- they better do their job, LOL.)

So let's take a look:
“Revealed: How To Make Big Profits With Tiny Email Lists...Or Your Money Back”

Right off -- trade "Or Your Money Back" with "Guaranteed!"

The other thing is -- it's not terribly emotional.

The pre-head might hold the key: " If you've ever wondered why the money doesn't seem to be in your email list, read on..."

OOOOOOHHHHH.....I think we're on to something here! I can really feel that puppy!

Introducing 'Small Lists Big Profits'.


You can eliminate that part of the subhead. It adds nothing at this point.
The "How" sentence that follows it is good, but let's take a look...

outsold guru's with lists of ten, twenty, even forty thousand or more.

First -- "gurus" not "guru's".
Second -- use the rule of 3s. Mention things in 3s. 4s risks being considered overblown. So "lists of ten thousand, forty thousand, or more"
Third -- in fact -- why write out the numbers? There are lots of good reasons for using the numbers themselves -- 10,000, 40,000 -- or more!

I would also consider starting with a "you focus" in your lead

As a newbie marketer, the one thing I'd heard repeated constantly was... “the money is in the list”. That the key to making money online is to build a massive email list you can promote to time and time again, raking in huge profits in the process.

Try something like this, instead...

You've heard it -- time and time again. "The Money is in the List." <<maybe more here, maybe not>>

Me, too!

And maybe, like me, you've heard those promises of the "golden list", the list that seems to nearly magically pull money out of thin air, to be so much hooey.

And not too long ago, I would have agreed with you. Because my efforts with my small list could be described in one word -- "pitiful."

You too ? (Or ... "Maybe you can relate?")

===========================
Then you could go on with your particular story. But while stories are powerful and important, it's important to not deviate too far from the "WIIFM". See, I, as the reader, don't care about YOUR pain -- I care about MY pain. (It's a tough, cruel world out there, what can I say?) Make the connection with your reader and make sure your story doesn't sound too self-absorbed -- or too smug.

In general, one of the things you might want to do is to try and cut down on the amount of words you are using. You tend to be repeat the same things and it drags the momentum down. It's like you've got me down the race and I've run 50 yards and you want to take me back to the point you made at 20 yards.

Hope that helps.

Live JoyFully!

Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
NextDay Copy

[Eric Engel]

Yeah... I know these things depend on a lot of different factors. But my point is that making a headline bigger or "harder hitting" doesn't necessarily make it better. Especially in today's sales letters. Like it or not, banner blindness is something copywriters have to consider. And the answer isn't to make the headline bigger, bolder, and more "in your face".

In my limited tests on physical products, headlines haven't had much effect. They still do effect info products. And if written correctly, they CAN be long.

But when an amateur tries to make it work by randomly adding adverbs and adjectives ("quickly and effectively","easily and effortlessly","safely and bla bla bla") they destroy the headline.

So my philosophy is, if you're not sure, just go for clear...and you will have already beaten 80% of the other headlines out there.

[zapseo]

Good points, Eric.

You make me think I should write a WSO on my headline writing process.

People try to write headlines without first trying to decide what they want to say. It's too much. It's too big of a task.

First -- decide what you want to say, what you want to communicate. Doesn't have to be fancy or use power words -- if you are trying to use those, you are are starting at the wrong place. Just simply put down the message you want to communicate.

Second, Once you have that, THEN you can worry about writing it in the most impactful way.

Third, after you know what you want to say, and you've "dressed it up" -- does it still communicate what you want it to communicate?

[CopyMonster]

Graham - it doesn't suck.

But here's a suggestion for the headline: swap the sub-head and the headline

“How One Internet Marketing Newbie With A Tiny List of 602 Subscribers Kicked Guru Butt and Laughed His Way To The Bank... Outselling The Big Boy Marketers With Lists of 10,000 And More...

Introducing 'Small Lists Big Profits' - How To Make Big Profits With Tiny Email Lists

Ok, I took some creative liberty... but this grabs my attention more so I'd be inclined to read the rest of the sales page.


As a prehead, how about "$20K-a-Month Internet Marketer from the UK reveals..."?

[daddyg]

Zapseo

Thank you very much for taking the time to study my copy. It's just the sort of constructive criticism I need to improve.

I agree my headline isn't very emotional and was definitely something I felt needed improving. I'm going to use your "Guaranteed" ending as one of the headlines I split test.

Thanks for the suggestions on the sub-head (will change) and I much prefer your lead-in to my original. Will amend accordingly.

In general, one of the things you might want to do is to try and cut down on the amount of words you are using. You tend to be repeat the same things and it drags the momentum down. It's like you've got me down the race and I've run 50 yards and you want to take me back to the point you made at 20 yards.

Point taken...I will look at where I can parse the copy down tomorrow and represent it to you.

Many thanks again for such great tips.

Cheers...Graham






I

[daddyg]

bf68

I like your headline suggestion, I was wondering about swapping the sub-head for the head and I think your version's great, particularly the "laughed his way to the bank" bit!

Adopted for split testing. Thanks very much for your help.

Cheers...Graham

Originally Posted by bf68

Graham - it doesn't suck.

But here's a suggestion for the headline: swap the sub-head and the headline

“How One Internet Marketing Newbie With A Tiny List of 602 Subscribers Kicked Guru Butt and Laughed His Way To The Bank... Outselling The Big Boy Marketers With Lists of 10,000 And More...

Introducing 'Small Lists Big Profits' - How To Make Big Profits With Tiny Email Lists

Ok, I took some creative liberty... but this grabs my attention more so I'd be inclined to read the rest of the sales page.


As a prehead, how about "$20K-a-Month Internet Marketer from the UK reveals..."?

[huggybear_dk]

Superb stuff, where else would you get this sort of top notch info. I've enjoyed reading this post, thanks to Eric and Zapseo.

D

[AndrewCavanagh]

Headline is interesting but then you start rambling on and on and on about nothing.

If you start with a story headline...go right into the story.

You got my attention and then you lost it.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

[Loren Woirhaye]

on a weekly and sometimes a daily basis I get an email
where a guy tells me about how he spent 90 minutes
writing an email and made $20k....

Big deal. He has a big, motivated list. I've made serious
money myself with a much smaller list but it was not because
I sent 1 email - it was because I called people up.

That's the crux. People get fed this fairy story which is
predicated on 2 hidden factors:

a) you need a big, motivated list
b) you need to build that list from a position of authority

So which do you do first? create authority? or build the
list?

In any case - both those activities take significant time - which
is the hidden story.... and because this is true - it will RING TRUE
when you tell it to your readers. I'm not expressing it in all
it's complexity or with a lot of grace - but if you are straight with
people about what the big-shots are concealing from them you may
find yourself on the way to getting some real fans.

[daddyg]

Thanks Andrew, Loren

I really appreciate your feedback. I've implemented most of zapseo's lead in copy which is definitely snappier and more engaging imo.

I'll be reviewing the copy shortly to try and tighten it up.

Cheers...Graham