Need a Little Feedback On My Sales Page Copy

[DVN]

Hi.

I hope that I'm asking this in the right place, because I'm still kind of new around here...

I'm looking for any copywriting advice or ways to help my page convert better. It's converting a little below 1% so I know there are probably a lot of ways to improve it. I've had opt in pages that convert 20%+, but have never written a true sales page that converts on a higher end product... so I could use some feedback.

My goal is it to get it to the point where it converts high enough to be profitable for affiliates before I roll it out and offer any JV's on it.

There are 2 pages (one for MLM and one for Real Estate) but the product is 95% the same, just tweaked a little for each market. The copy is similar, but slightly different for each.

The links are: Discover the Best Place to Market MLM and Get Free MLM Leads & Prospects... Online and Real Estate Website Builder & Creation Kit- Your Own Real Estate Lead Capture Page in 3 Days!

Most people who read this forum probably won't need a copy of the product (because it essentially teaches people how to build their own lead capture site), but I'm happy to offer it to the first 10 reviewers if desired.

Thanks.
Derick

[Loren Woirhaye]

Test it at a lower price - that might bump the response.

[zapseo]

I'm not normally interested in dealing with copy for MLM products -- but the idea of getting a product on how to set up a lead gen page has attracted me!

So -- let's see
1. I agree with malibumentor, $97 is probably a tough price point, especially without a lot more reasons why (resulting in longer copy) people want/need this product.
2. At whatever price you choose, you need to do what we copywriters call "value build". In general, what this means is comparing your offer (price) to other possible solutions and the cost of those.
3. Lose some of the "rococo" -- that is, unnecessary, distracting detail.
Which is that?
a. "10 miles North of Disneyland" -- who knows where that might take your visitors? Maybe that promise they are taking their kids to one of the Disney properties ? Or getting them a Disney-related gift? Etc.
b. Your picture is distracting ... especially the fascinating globe in the picture. It may be interesting to me -- but it distracts from actually reading your copy.
4. Your headline leaves a lot to be desired. You can state your case simply: "How To Get <<state a number>> Of Leads Direct To Your Email Box" and follow that with a statement of ease of effort, simplicity, comparative cost in time & money. (Those are the general ideas.) Or, you can say something like "Give Me <<some short period of time>> And I'll Show You How To Have <<name quantity>> Of Hot Prospects Clamoring To Reach You -- Without Paying For An Expensive, Non-Working Company Lead Capture Page"
Or --even better yet: "Warning: MLM Company Lead Capture Pages Are Dangerous To Your Wealth" (I'm not sure what the specific term is for these pages -- so insert appropriate term.) Then talk about the promise they are lead to believe, how excited they are etc., and then the dismal reality: paying money per month, waiting patiently for leads to show up, and nothing happening. Build in the pain.
5. Your sub-head is a bit bullying -- a style I don't care much for. Can't say I've tested it -- but it comes across as more of a pushy salesperson type message. Now, I could be wrong ... but I think the overwhelming response to the attempt to pass the bailout bill the first time shows a certain sensitivity to the "or else" kind of sales pitch, and, especially, right now, people may be more sensitive to it because of that.
Let me be clear -- you can use that kind of copy later in your message -- but early on it's a bit too much "in your face." I take the tack that a salesletter is seduction (and it's not just me; some high level copywriting training programs promote this idea as well.). And this, to me, would be the equivalent of coming up to a girl and saying "go out on a date with me or no one will ever date you." Okay -- maybe not quite that harsh, but you get the idea.
Once you establish rapport with the reader and then have let them know, similar kind of text can work well as part of your close.
6. I wouldn't use "Dear friend". It's too generic and doesn't speak to the commonality of interest your ideal prospect and you share. Maybe something as simple as "Dear MLM'er", while not great, is still better than "Dear Friend". The goal is to connect with the reader.
7. Go through the copy and make sure that you really need to use "I" in various places, or whether you can remove it. I'm thinking, in particular, of the first bullet. "I walk you through finding, reserving, and purchasing your own domain name in a matter of minutes." Maybe change that to something like "Discover how to find, reserve and purchase your own domain name in 5 easy steps". While "I" is not intrinsically bad -- there's what I would call a 'reference tension" -- when you are referring to "I", it pulls attention away from the "you" focus you want the reader to feel.
8. And...the order button right above the bullets? It's too much. What you want to do is have "order links" elsewhere on your page, with the links taking the reader to what I call an "order box". The order box then re-caps everything the person is getting for their money (including guarantee). This is too much to put in more than one place, but an important part of the order process (imnsho).

Okay,

Hope that helps!

Live JoyFully!

Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
NextDay Copy

[DVN]

Judy,

Thank you for taking the time to really offer some good insight. I'll work on making some changes and see what happens.

Again- thank you, thank you, thank you!

Derick

[zapseo]

Originally Posted by DVN

Judy,

Thank you for taking the time to really offer some good insight. I'll work on making some changes and see what happens.

Again- thank you, thank you, thank you!

Derick

Oh cool! guess I'm deserving of a copy of the product, then ?

BTW -- having your picture in and of itself is not a bad idea -- it's just the picture you're using has too many distracting details.

[CopyMonster]

Originally Posted by zapseo

3. Lose some of the "rococo" -- that is, unnecessary, distracting detail.
Which is that?
a. "10 miles North of Disneyland" -- who knows where that might take your visitors? Maybe that promise they are taking their kids to one of the Disney properties ? Or getting them a Disney-related gift? Etc.
b. Your picture is distracting ... especially the fascinating globe in the picture. It may be interesting to me -- but it distracts from actually reading your copy.

I get the location reference - making you and hence the offer seem that much more real/credible. I've heard this recommended by top copywriters like Halbert and BK Voiles. I'd maybe add state and even country to it - mainly because there's more than one Disneyland (until you test, you won't know).

For the MLM site. I might test changing the headline "Warning: Your..." to the pre-head and put in a new headline that strikes directly at the heart of most MLM marketers - getting more leads for their downline with for less pain and hassle (Disclaimer: I don't know the market you're specifically targeting, so I could be off). Perhaps something like "How to create an explosion of hot prospects begging to join your downline by making a few simple but critical changes to your MLM company's freebie website... (even if you don't know the first thing about editing a web page)" or "How one maverick marketer made 3 simple changes to his MLM website and turned it from a dud site into a prospect producing machine... generating an average 9 times as many hot prospects from the same amount of traffic each and every day". That's a bit rough (breaks some of the rules) but the point is the headline as it is doesn't hit directly at a big benefit - it's implied sure, but this is not where you want your readers to work for it. The headline's job is to get attention and make them want to read the next bit of copy. In this way, your real estate headline is much better - you've got benefit, curiosity and even element of proof (ie. someone's doing this).

Hope this is useful.

[zapseo]

Originally Posted by bf68

I get the location reference - making you and hence the offer seem that much more real/credible. I've heard this recommended by top copywriters like Halbert and BK Voiles. I'd maybe add state and even country to it - mainly because there's more than one Disneyland (until you test, you won't know).

Just to clarify, I wasn't objecting to all location references, only the Disneyland reference, for the reasons stated. Just like I wasn't objecting to any picture of the OP -- just the one that contained distracting details.
"Disneyland" -- it's a "shiny object".

The over-arching principle is -- where are you leading the attention of the reader. Credibility is something that is built up in a variety of ways, but attention can be lost in a quick second.

For the MLM site. I might test changing the headline "Warning: Your..." to the pre-head and put in a new headline that strikes directly at the heart of most MLM marketers - getting more leads for their downline with for less pain and hassle (Disclaimer: I don't know the market you're specifically targeting, so I could be off). Perhaps something like "How to create an explosion of hot prospects begging to join your downline by making a few simple but critical changes to your MLM company's freebie website... (even if you don't know the first thing about editing a web page)" or "How one maverick marketer made 3 simple changes to his MLM website and turned it from a dud site into a prospect producing machine... generating an average 9 times as many hot prospects from the same amount of traffic each and every day". That's a bit rough (breaks some of the rules) but the point is the headline as it is doesn't hit directly at a big benefit - it's implied sure, but this is not where you want your readers to work for it. The headline's job is to get attention and make them want to read the next bit of copy. In this way, your real estate headline is much better - you've got benefit, curiosity and even element of proof (ie. someone's doing this).

Hope this is useful.

[DVN]

Thanks for the continued feedback...

Made a change with my picture, headline, and price for now... gonna test that for a week and see if it's a better 'control' than the other version.

I've got several ideas for headlines, but still working out the kinks, so thanks for the additional ideas and clarity BF68.

I need to find a way to get more traffic for quicker test results though... Right now I'm only getting 50-75 hits a day, so it's slow and go.

Oh well, I guess one thing at a time.