I can't get my head round this copywriting lark

[JamesPenn]

Hi Warriors

I've spent about 2 days working on my sales copy now. It just isn't clicking for me. It's not flowing and I don't like it.

It's at Rejuvenate: Turn Back The Clock

Can you rip it to shreds, please?

What "hot buttons" can I press for this target market? (I know, I should have done my research about the worries of this market, but I pretty much guessed - rookie mistake)

How do I lead into introducing the product better? At the moment there's very little copy and then BAM... here's the product. I feel I need a bit more copy at the beginning.

My list of features and benefits (I kind of combined the two, but not very well) just doesn't seem to work and motivate my prospects to buy. What can I do to improve it?

I realise it's not finished yet. I need some testimonials to fill thos testimonial boxes, so if you want a review copy then just send me a PM.

Let me know what you would do to make the salesletter better.

I haven't sent any traffic to the page yet, I'll be doing some testing with Google adwords in the next few days.

James

[sethczerepak]

Headlines too long. I always say that if you can't memorize it within 10 to 15 seconds that it's too long. The copy also needs more "force," check out this article for details on that (it's short).

Writing Words That Sell - Using the Force in Your Sales Copy

Also, straight squeeze pages normally don't convert as well as those that have a few options for the customer to get more information. People are just too skeptical these days and if they can't find out what they want to know without giving your their contact, they'll usually just book.

Mainly though, take a look at the first two words of the copy (right below the headline) that's probably your biggest conversion killer.

[The Copy Nazi]

Another stinker. The headline is a dead duck. Anyone reading "Shocking Free Report" is going to roll their eyes. Then you compound it by talking down to your reader in the rest of the copy. Pass.

[drjt]

Your Headline is too long and the phrase "pull back the curtain" falls flat, in my opinion. The structure of the page itself also needs some tweaking: specifically the listing of the "benefits" to the left of the testimonial box seems awkward and weak. The "benefits" need to be "pumped up." Try using more compelling sales copy and be succinct. If you want to learn from one of the best, read anything Dan Kennedy has written. One of his colleagues Bill Glazer also has a new book out you could pick up for cheap on Amazon.com.

[Ken_Caudill]

Cut it to this:

Headline: Achieve Your Dream Of Looking & Feeling Younger NATURALLY

Look and feel years younger without expensive and dangerous cosmetic surgery.

Enter your email address on the right hand side and follow the simple instructions.

[Paul Hooper-Kelly]

Hi James,

All good sales letters start with a great hook and you've actually got a good one in the bullets of your sales letter...

"The secret adaptogen that doctors take to keep themselves from getting ill... but they won't tell you about it!"

So how about using that as the basis for a headline?

Want to slash ten years off your biological age? Then this is for YOU...

"Discover The Secret Adaptogen Doctors Use to Stay Well...
Despite Treating Sick People Every Day!"

Read on to find out why they don't want you to know their closely guarded secret...

That works on three levels:

1. Your target audience wants to stay younger, longer (pre-headline).

2. It's human nature to want secrets no one else has (headline). Note also the implied proof that it works, cuz doctors DO tend to stay well.

3. It taps into the powerful emotion that boils up when we feel we are being deprived of valuable information (deck copy).

By the way, James, I see we're neighbors, as I live across the Surrey/Hampshire border in the New Forest.

That's why I'll refrain from chiding you too hard for not spending the first two days going deep into:

1. Who your ideal prospect is and what are their deepest fears and desires.

2. What your competition is up to and how you can beat them by being better.

THEN, when you come to write the letter, you should visualize yourself sitting down with your perfect prospect and enthusiastically telling them all about your great new report.

Do that, and you'll find it will all work out far better.

I would recommend article marketing, rather than betting the farm on AdWords. Apart from the cost saving, you'll find - because your articles pre-sell youself as an expert - you'll get a far better conversion rate - maybe as high as three times as much.

Yup, it's slower. But AdWords can clear your bank account faster than a hacker - particularly if your sales letter isn't world class, yet.

Warmest regards,

Paul

[RickDuris]

Hi James,

I hate when I do these critiques sometimes, because while you want us to "rip it to shreds" at the same time you did do a decent job and I don't want you to take it personally.

First, if you plan on driving traffic via adwords, be prepared: Adwords will kick your butt. You will pay dearly as it is designed, no matter what happens. BE CAREFUL and set your budget LOW. The way this page is designed, it is not adwords friendly AT ALL. You should invest in some adwords courses to learn how to navigate, even and especially if you are using the content network.

That said, from a copy perspective...

I really don't think you know who your market is. And that's your hang-up.

Are they the kinda folks who watch Dr. Oz on TV? Because those are primarily women. Think Oprah women--sensitive, evolved and a bit upscale and clued in. Respect your market, meaning write to them. Don't make it difficult for them to read. (Don't ever have them read your copy and think "Complete BS.")

Personally, I think you're trying to be too general and I think you will pay the price for that generality.

Or maybe your market is more analytic, intellectual, health conscious and thinker brained folks. Like people who would be normally reading Dr. Andrew Weil or Deepak Chopra. Maybe not as female-based, but definitely even more evolved and intellectual, maybe even spiritual.

I could go on, but the point is your are going to have to write to your market and have the copy to match the market.

Since I don't have the product and can't review, it's hard to visualize who the product is intended for. It just looks so "generic."

The folks who have offered comments so far are right. However, I think at the core, the reason this copy isn't coming easily, the reason you are struggling, is don't know who the market is. You're equivocating.

Quick exercise and maybe this will help you:

For this product, visualize the person it is PERFECT for. A person you already know. For best results, it should be a person you know would appreciate this product.

Everything needs to be reworked. The product's graphics look "cheesy".

Again, I say this all out of respect and the desire to see you succeed.

I wish I could give you more specific coaching, and specific copy, but unless I know better who your market is and what the product is, anything I give you might fall flat.

Good Luck and with respect for your ambition,

- Rick Duris

[BizzyUK]

Why do people seem to abandon all orientational common sense when it comes to this strange beast called "copywriting"? Let go of all the Machiavellian machinations that you wrongly associate with it.

Simplify the task at hand. What are you trying to communicate?

Communication is the transmission of information (signals) from the sender to the receiver; good communication is clear information.

Is your message (your copy) clear? Does it fulfil its intended purpose? This is your starting point and ending point.

Look Younger and Feel Younger
Download Your Free Report Now

Is this clear, concise and compelling? Does it do its intended job? Yes it is and yes it does. Ergo, it is effective communication.

Cheers,
Mickey Devans.

[Daniel Scott]

As far as a squeeze page goes... it's a bad start.

You want headline, subhead (maybe), signup box, bullets.

That's pretty much it.

And James... you said yourself you need to research your market.

So go do it... instead of expecting us to do it for you

Re-write this thing... THEN ask for a critique.

Because right now the whole post has a very "you guys can do my work for me" vibe... and I value my time far too much to help someone out who can't even be bothered trying.

-Dan

[JamesPenn]

Hi guys

Thanks for the feedback, but I posted this thread over a year ago and at that time the page was a salespage for a $20 product. Now I've changed it to a squeeze page. I don't know why this thread has resurfaced.

At the moment the squeeze page is converting pretty well for me. Maybe it doesn't look like a masterpiece, but it works.

I'll take the advice on board and may incorporate some ideas into a few split tests.

Thanks