Would love some feedback on this copy for cell phone protectors

ajchaffers · 02-10-2010, 02:17 PM

Barring all the spelling and grammar mistakes… (Early rough draft) I’d love some feedback I’m doing the copy for a friend and if anyone has any tweaks that would be great.
Thanks.
-------------------------------------------------------------

“I just wrecked my $400 dollar IPhone, and it’s going to cost me
SEVEN-HUNDRED DOLLARS to Replace it?”
What?
Dear Friend,
I couldn’t believe this when I heard it, but it’s true. When you break your phone the phone company is not going to replace it…
…And they’re going to make you pay full retail price. I didn’t realize when I bought my first iPhone that I was getting a HUGE discount for signing that 2 year contract and now that I was stuck!
…and if I wanted a working iPhone I was going to have to pay!
FULL PRICE $700.00 ! ! !
It was so stupid, I didn’t even break it, I don’t want to point any fingers… and I hope she doesn’t read this … but … it was my wife…
I know what you’re thinking but it was my own fault, I asked her to hold it for me and she had it in her purse, but when it rang and she went to pull it out… she practically slid it across the parking lot as it slipped out of her hand… FACE DOWN!
I saw the whole thing in slow motion, it was like a scene from a movie, time slowed down, I felt my body cringe and my arms lunge toward the air-born phone while I tried in vain to stop the impending doom as a “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”... left my mouth.
… It slid more than 15ft!
<PIC>

I practically cried when I picked it up and I couldn’t make out anything on the screen.

I felt like such an idiot because a week earlier I had taken it out of this huge case that I had it in, but I took it out only because it wouldn’t fit in my pocket in this massive shell. I’m sure that it would have been fine, maybe it would have bounced right back into my wife’s hands (doubtful, but my phone would’ve been fine.)
Shortly thereafter, and then after the shock of the cost of a new phone wore off I swore that I’d never take my phone out of the thick protective case again. Spending another $700 was out of the question so I’d just have to suck it up…
The big case drove me Crazy!!!
I kept thinking “why do I have an IPhone?” … “I should just carry a brick around.”
I had to find the answer!
I need to protect my phone and not let it get in the way of the functionality and still keep all the high end design Apple put into the phone that I paid so much for… twice!
I’ll save you the odyssey I embarked on trying and testing every cheap piece of plastic they’ll sell you, isn’t even worth the trip to buy it, let alone the price. They say “this” will protect your phone, and they all fall short.
What is it going to take to protect the phone without keeping it in a half pound monstrosity they call a case, there has to be a way.
I’ll make a list:
If you don’t have ALL the following components to a protective covering it’s not going to work
1. Strength (it needs to hold up to a slide across the parkinglot)
2. Adhesiveness (if it’s going to come undone why bother)
3. Protection all around the phone (The screen is important but I don’t want the back ruined either
4. Clarity (if I can’t see through to the screen … why bother)
5. Touch Screen Functionality (It’s got to still work, as good as before)

....
-----------------------------------------------
Still a work in progress

Thanks for the Help
AJ

The Copy Nazi · 02-10-2010, 02:57 PM

The story is ok. The headline could be stronger. Instead of “I just wrecked my $400 dollar IPhone, and it’s going to cost me SEVEN-HUNDRED DOLLARS to Replace it?” why not try something more emotive? Like -

"I just totalled my $400 IPhone and it's going to cost me $700 to replace it?"

"My $400 IPhone is Toast and it's going to cost me $700 to replace it?"

"OUCH! My Wife just dropped my $400 IPhone and it's going to cost me $700 to replace it"

"If Your Wife Dropped and Shattered Your $400 IPhone and It Was Going To Take $700 To Replace It - What Would You Do?"

"Is This Grounds For Divorce? My Wife Just Smashed My $400 IPhone and It's Going To Take $700 To Replace It"

Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter · 02-10-2010, 02:59 PM

AJ,

Good for you that you are working on becoming a copywriter.

Who is your prospect? How are they going to find this copy?

My best guess is that your prospects are not going to best reached through a long-form sales letter--even though this one is pretty short.

A compelling headline, a graphics heavy page and a few text points would most likely work best, but I haven't researched the market.

You could also do this as a video--that might work well.

Bill Jeffels · 02-10-2010, 03:40 PM

I kind of like that story.

You have the good old Problem Agitate Solution happening. That's good. Of course you'd have to break it up with subheads.

Like you said, work in progress. Looks like a good start.

-Bill

ajchaffers · 02-15-2010, 10:52 AM

Just want to say thanks for the feedback!

Tools For IM · 02-17-2010, 03:38 PM

Couple quick questions for you --

What's the proposed price of this cell phone protector?

Through what medium will you deploy this copy? (Web/Direct Mail/etc.)

What does your sales process look like on this? I'm imagining it's fairly simple...they like it, they buy it on the spot. Tell me if I'm wrong here.

-------------------

Your story is fine for narrative-driven copy, but using it for a product like this is just overkill. There's just no reason to write long-form sales copy for what you're trying to sell.

I pulled only one primary benefit (void of all of the inherent benefits of owning a cell phone protector that your potential buyer will likely be aware of) from all of that copy.

This is what I'm really interested in: How much? What does it look like? How do I get it?

You're selling a commodity item. In this particular case, product differentiation primarily revolves around price, design, and function.

Also, the audience that's likely to purchase this product isn't too keen on sales copy of this nature. My suggestion...keep it short, completely focused on a core set of benefits, show the product off visually, throw in risk reversal, and you've done your job. I definitely wouldn't recommend you continue down this path for the campaign. No offense to you or your writing skills...this response is based purely upon your approach and how it matches with your product and intended audience.

02-10-2010, 02:17 PM	#1
ajchaffers A.J.Chaffers-NinjaWarrior Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: LI New York & Philadelpha PA Posts: 24 Thanks: 1 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Social Networking Contact Info	Would love some feedback on this copy for cell phone protectors Barring all the spelling and grammar mistakes… (Early rough draft) I’d love some feedback I’m doing the copy for a friend and if anyone has any tweaks that would be great. Thanks. ------------------------------------------------------------- “I just wrecked my $400 dollar IPhone, and it’s going to cost me SEVEN-HUNDRED DOLLARS to Replace it?” What? Dear Friend, I couldn’t believe this when I heard it, but it’s true. When you break your phone the phone company is not going to replace it… …And they’re going to make you pay full retail price. I didn’t realize when I bought my first iPhone that I was getting a HUGE discount for signing that 2 year contract and now that I was stuck! …and if I wanted a working iPhone I was going to have to pay! FULL PRICE $700.00 ! ! ! It was so stupid, I didn’t even break it, I don’t want to point any fingers… and I hope she doesn’t read this … but … it was my wife… I know what you’re thinking but it was my own fault, I asked her to hold it for me and she had it in her purse, but when it rang and she went to pull it out… she practically slid it across the parking lot as it slipped out of her hand… FACE DOWN! I saw the whole thing in slow motion, it was like a scene from a movie, time slowed down, I felt my body cringe and my arms lunge toward the air-born phone while I tried in vain to stop the impending doom as a “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”... left my mouth. … It slid more than 15ft! <PIC> I practically cried when I picked it up and I couldn’t make out anything on the screen. I felt like such an idiot because a week earlier I had taken it out of this huge case that I had it in, but I took it out only because it wouldn’t fit in my pocket in this massive shell. I’m sure that it would have been fine, maybe it would have bounced right back into my wife’s hands (doubtful, but my phone would’ve been fine.) Shortly thereafter, and then after the shock of the cost of a new phone wore off I swore that I’d never take my phone out of the thick protective case again. Spending another $700 was out of the question so I’d just have to suck it up… The big case drove me Crazy!!! I kept thinking “why do I have an IPhone?” … “I should just carry a brick around.” I had to find the answer! I need to protect my phone and not let it get in the way of the functionality and still keep all the high end design Apple put into the phone that I paid so much for… twice! I’ll save you the odyssey I embarked on trying and testing every cheap piece of plastic they’ll sell you, isn’t even worth the trip to buy it, let alone the price. They say “this” will protect your phone, and they all fall short. What is it going to take to protect the phone without keeping it in a half pound monstrosity they call a case, there has to be a way. I’ll make a list: If you don’t have ALL the following components to a protective covering it’s not going to work 1. Strength (it needs to hold up to a slide across the parkinglot) 2. Adhesiveness (if it’s going to come undone why bother) 3. Protection all around the phone (The screen is important but I don’t want the back ruined either 4. Clarity (if I can’t see through to the screen … why bother) 5. Touch Screen Functionality (It’s got to still work, as good as before) .... ----------------------------------------------- Still a work in progress Thanks for the Help AJ

02-10-2010, 02:57 PM	#2
The Copy Nazi Mal Lambe War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Bunker, Paris Posts: 2,486 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 791 Thanked 1,480 Times in 701 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Would love some feedback on this copy for cell phone protectors The story is ok. The headline could be stronger. Instead of “I just wrecked my $400 dollar IPhone, and it’s going to cost me SEVEN-HUNDRED DOLLARS to Replace it?” why not try something more emotive? Like - "I just totalled my $400 IPhone and it's going to cost me $700 to replace it?" "My $400 IPhone is Toast and it's going to cost me $700 to replace it?" "OUCH! My Wife just dropped my $400 IPhone and it's going to cost me $700 to replace it" "If Your Wife Dropped and Shattered Your $400 IPhone and It Was Going To Take $700 To Replace It - What Would You Do?" "Is This Grounds For Divorce? My Wife Just Smashed My $400 IPhone and It's Going To Take $700 To Replace It"

02-10-2010, 02:59 PM	#3
Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter Full Frontal Lobe Nudity War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 912 Thanks: 519 Thanked 499 Times in 206 Posts Social Networking	Re: Would love some feedback on this copy for cell phone protectors AJ, Good for you that you are working on becoming a copywriter. Who is your prospect? How are they going to find this copy? My best guess is that your prospects are not going to best reached through a long-form sales letter--even though this one is pretty short. A compelling headline, a graphics heavy page and a few text points would most likely work best, but I haven't researched the market. You could also do this as a video--that might work well.
	The Miracle Squeeze Page: Scientifically Proven to Convert 84.1% of Visitors into Subscribers Works for Anybody, Any niche - It's so simple you'll wonder why everyone isn't using it Click Here Now to Download It!

02-10-2010, 03:40 PM	#4
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 377 Thanks: 143 Thanked 92 Times in 82 Posts	Re: Would love some feedback on this copy for cell phone protectors I kind of like that story. You have the good old Problem Agitate Solution happening. That's good. Of course you'd have to break it up with subheads. Like you said, work in progress. Looks like a good start. -Bill
	Copywriting WSO:FINALLY, YOU CAN NOW DISCOVER THESE AMAZING COPYWRITING SECRETS TOO! Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

02-15-2010, 10:52 AM	#5
ajchaffers A.J.Chaffers-NinjaWarrior Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: LI New York & Philadelpha PA Posts: 24 Thanks: 1 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Would love some feedback on this copy for cell phone protectors Just want to say thanks for the feedback!

02-17-2010, 03:38 PM	#6
Tools For IM Complete tools...for IM! War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 52 Thanks: 17 Thanked 24 Times in 8 Posts Social Networking	Re: Would love some feedback on this copy for cell phone protectors Couple quick questions for you -- What's the proposed price of this cell phone protector? Through what medium will you deploy this copy? (Web/Direct Mail/etc.) What does your sales process look like on this? I'm imagining it's fairly simple...they like it, they buy it on the spot. Tell me if I'm wrong here. ------------------- Your story is fine for narrative-driven copy, but using it for a product like this is just overkill. There's just no reason to write long-form sales copy for what you're trying to sell. I pulled only one primary benefit (void of all of the inherent benefits of owning a cell phone protector that your potential buyer will likely be aware of) from all of that copy. This is what I'm really interested in: How much? What does it look like? How do I get it? You're selling a commodity item. In this particular case, product differentiation primarily revolves around price, design, and function. Also, the audience that's likely to purchase this product isn't too keen on sales copy of this nature. My suggestion...keep it short, completely focused on a core set of benefits, show the product off visually, throw in risk reversal, and you've done your job. I definitely wouldn't recommend you continue down this path for the campaign. No offense to you or your writing skills...this response is based purely upon your approach and how it matches with your product and intended audience.