MMO niche

Vanquish · 02-13-2010, 02:56 PM

Hey guys,

Would appreciate some feedback about my head line below...

“Discover The Secrets That Will Earn You A Full Time Passive Income Online With Little To No Effort Even If All You Can Do Is Point And Click You're Mouse!"

Give Me Just A Few Minutes Of Your Time And I will Reveal The Secrets That Will Allow You To Quit Your 9-5 job, Create Infinite Passive Income & Spend More Time With Your Family and Friends.

Ken_Caudill · 02-13-2010, 03:11 PM

Should be point and click your mouse. It's a chestnut. It's worked for others. It might work for you. The only real way to gage its effectiveness is to use it. Use a comma, or dash before the word "even."

Good luck.

Ross Bowring · 02-13-2010, 03:12 PM

Where's the human interest? The drama?

What's special about these secrets? Standing in your reader's shoes... I get hit up with a lot of promises of "secrets". Why is this bunch worth my time?

Plus, what makes you, or the sharer of these secrets an authority?

The answers don't need long-winded explanations in the headline package, just enough of a hint so that I keep reading.

Right now it reads bland and formulaic.

Give it spark and specificity.

And "You're" should be "Your".

--- Ross

Mr. Subtle · 02-13-2010, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vanquish

“Discover The Secrets That Will Earn You A Full Time Passive Income Online With Little To No Effort Even If All You Can Do Is Point And Click You're Mouse!"

Give Me Just A Few Minutes Of Your Time And I will Reveal The Secrets That Will Allow You To Quit Your 9-5 job, Create Infinite Passive Income & Spend More Time With Your Family and Friends.

The Copy Nazi · 02-13-2010, 03:52 PM

"Point - And Click! - You're a Mouse". LMAO.

But yeah...this is a dead dog headline. Been flogged to death. And I don't know what others think but to me "Give Me Just A Few Minutes Of Your Time" is begging for the sale. You should be able to write something that will have the reader hooked and wanting to read on without this overdone and cheesy ploy. It's right up there with "I'm not gonna waste your time with a whole lot of fluff and filler, I'm going to get straight to the point. I know you're busy and don't have time to wade through paragraphs and paragraphs of copy ...." blah blah blah. Get to the bloody point already. Did you ever read on the first page of a best-selling thriller "Give me a few hours of your time"? They hook you from the first line in a lot of cases.

Andrew Gould · 02-13-2010, 03:54 PM

I really wouldn't claim you can earn an infinite passive income.

Even in the incredibly unlikely situation that it's true, your prospect won't be ready to hear it straightaway and will need a lot of proof.

Are you 100% positive that your prospect will know what a passive income is? And if it's 'Full Time' it's not quite passive is it?

Finally, read the whole thing out loud to yourself, that should let you know that at the least you need to chop it up a bit.

Moolah_Copywriting · 02-13-2010, 05:41 PM

Yep, this headline is Dead on Arrival.
The Internet Marketing niche is WAY beyond blind/teaser claims. You need to use a story-telling angle to get the person to stop in their tracks and give your headline another couple of seconds.

For example -

"How this Busted and Broke Mechanic Used A Public Library Computer To Earn Enough Cash For Gas, Food, and Rent in Just 1 Day..."

You have a cynical reader that has read every single Discover/Secrets/Revealed/Who Else/They Laughed When/Special Report/New/Attention/Urgent/Insider headline imaginable.

Now you need to go Hollywood and tell a story.

Think about it this way. Everyone knows the formula behind a superhero movie. It's pretty much the same for every film right? Take a look at this if you doubt me: Deja View: Iron Man vs. Batman - CollegeHumor video

But we keep going back. Why? Because it's a story and we are suckers for a well-told "yarn"

Give it a try.
Stan

Mike Schwenk · 02-17-2010, 08:42 PM

I was interested in the MMO part at first and started making up some stuff, because I initially thought you meant Massive Multiplayer Online. Then I read a bit more and realized you mean Make Money Online.

If it were the former, I was going to toss this one out:

Who says work needs to come before play? Read on to discover several proven techniques that will allow you to get the best of both "worlds" and turn your hobby into a source of financial freedom TODAY!

I suppose since the word hobby is used, you could actually mold that into a general-use headline. I'm only learning copywriting, so I'm not even sure if it would be considered any good.

Good luck with your writing.

Regards,

Mike

Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter · 02-18-2010, 10:50 AM

Listen to everything said above ^^ (except for the bad advice) and I would add this one:

When you do come up with a headline, think about where the line-breaks are in the headline.

People don't read in single-word increments, they read in phrases. Unless you are deliberately trying to not allow them to do this, you need to make sure the phrases that go together aren't broken up by new lines.

My other tip: Never slap a rhino unless you can run faster than it can. Trust me, you can't.

Sam Mlambo · 02-19-2010, 01:10 AM

Hey Vanquish,

The advice of the others before me is great. Here's my rewrite:

Burnt Out Internet Marketer Accidentally Stumbles Upon...

The Powerful Formula To Making A Full-Time Passive
Income Online With Little or No Effort!

02-13-2010, 02:56 PM	#1
Vanquish Karl Thomas War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Toronto Posts: 755 Thanks: 170 Thanked 69 Times in 54 Posts Contact Info	MMO niche - Headline Critique Hey guys, Would appreciate some feedback about my head line below... “Discover The Secrets That Will Earn You A Full Time Passive Income Online With Little To No Effort Even If All You Can Do Is Point And Click You're Mouse!" Give Me Just A Few Minutes Of Your Time And I will Reveal The Secrets That Will Allow You To Quit Your 9-5 job, Create Infinite Passive Income & Spend More Time With Your Family and Friends.

02-13-2010, 03:11 PM	#2
Ken_Caudill Here for the Beer War Room Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chicago burbs Posts: 1,821 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 695 Thanked 1,045 Times in 646 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique Should be point and click your mouse. It's a chestnut. It's worked for others. It might work for you. The only real way to gage its effectiveness is to use it. Use a comma, or dash before the word "even." Good luck.
	Killer Kopy Klowns 4 Jesus

02-13-2010, 03:12 PM	#3
Ross Bowring Cash Creating Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Philadelphia, USA Posts: 694 Thanks: 538 Thanked 589 Times in 205 Posts Social Networking	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique Where's the human interest? The drama? What's special about these secrets? Standing in your reader's shoes... I get hit up with a lot of promises of "secrets". Why is this bunch worth my time? Plus, what makes you, or the sharer of these secrets an authority? The answers don't need long-winded explanations in the headline package, just enough of a hint so that I keep reading. Right now it reads bland and formulaic. Give it spark and specificity. And "You're" should be "Your". --- Ross
	PLUS... X-Rated Copywriting Secrets EXPOSED.

02-13-2010, 03:52 PM	#5
The Copy Nazi Mal Lambe War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Bunker, Paris Posts: 2,291 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 705 Thanked 1,260 Times in 603 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique "Point - And Click! - You're a Mouse". LMAO. But yeah...this is a dead dog headline. Been flogged to death. And I don't know what others think but to me "Give Me Just A Few Minutes Of Your Time" is begging for the sale. You should be able to write something that will have the reader hooked and wanting to read on without this overdone and cheesy ploy. It's right up there with "I'm not gonna waste your time with a whole lot of fluff and filler, I'm going to get straight to the point. I know you're busy and don't have time to wade through paragraphs and paragraphs of copy ...." blah blah blah. Get to the bloody point already. Did you ever read on the first page of a best-selling thriller "Give me a few hours of your time"? They hook you from the first line in a lot of cases.
	"By offending nobody, you impassion nobody" - Gary Halbert

02-13-2010, 03:54 PM	#6
Andrew Gould Copy Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Leicestershire, UK Posts: 394 Thanks: 167 Thanked 234 Times in 157 Posts Contact Info	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique I really wouldn't claim you can earn an infinite passive income. Even in the incredibly unlikely situation that it's true, your prospect won't be ready to hear it straightaway and will need a lot of proof. Are you 100% positive that your prospect will know what a passive income is? And if it's 'Full Time' it's not quite passive is it? Finally, read the whole thing out loud to yourself, that should let you know that at the least you need to chop it up a bit.
	Andrew Gould

02-13-2010, 05:41 PM	#7
Moolah_Copywriting Warrior Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 88 Thanks: 11 Thanked 27 Times in 24 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique Yep, this headline is Dead on Arrival. The Internet Marketing niche is WAY beyond blind/teaser claims. You need to use a story-telling angle to get the person to stop in their tracks and give your headline another couple of seconds. For example - "How this Busted and Broke Mechanic Used A Public Library Computer To Earn Enough Cash For Gas, Food, and Rent in Just 1 Day..." You have a cynical reader that has read every single Discover/Secrets/Revealed/Who Else/They Laughed When/Special Report/New/Attention/Urgent/Insider headline imaginable. Now you need to go Hollywood and tell a story. Think about it this way. Everyone knows the formula behind a superhero movie. It's pretty much the same for every film right? Take a look at this if you doubt me: Deja View: Iron Man vs. Batman - CollegeHumor video But we keep going back. Why? Because it's a story and we are suckers for a well-told "yarn" Give it a try. Stan
	What's On Your Mind? Ask me your copywriting question or just drop me a "hello"

02-17-2010, 08:42 PM	#8
Mike Schwenk Autoresponder Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Sayre, PA Posts: 334 Thanks: 176 Thanked 85 Times in 61 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique I was interested in the MMO part at first and started making up some stuff, because I initially thought you meant Massive Multiplayer Online. Then I read a bit more and realized you mean Make Money Online. If it were the former, I was going to toss this one out: Who says work needs to come before play? Read on to discover several proven techniques that will allow you to get the best of both "worlds" and turn your hobby into a source of financial freedom TODAY! I suppose since the word hobby is used, you could actually mold that into a general-use headline. I'm only learning copywriting, so I'm not even sure if it would be considered any good. Good luck with your writing. Regards, Mike

02-18-2010, 10:50 AM	#9
Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter Full Frontal Lobe Nudity War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 912 Thanks: 519 Thanked 492 Times in 205 Posts Social Networking	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique Listen to everything said above ^^ (except for the bad advice) and I would add this one: When you do come up with a headline, think about where the line-breaks are in the headline. People don't read in single-word increments, they read in phrases. Unless you are deliberately trying to not allow them to do this, you need to make sure the phrases that go together aren't broken up by new lines. My other tip: Never slap a rhino unless you can run faster than it can. Trust me, you can't.
	The Miracle Squeeze Page: Scientifically Proven to Convert 84.1% of Visitors into Subscribers Works for Anybody, Any niche - It's so simple you'll wonder why everyone isn't using it Click Here Now to Download It!

02-19-2010, 01:10 AM	#10
Sam Mlambo Marketer and Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 261 Thanks: 21 Thanked 34 Times in 33 Posts	Re: MMO niche - Headline Critique Hey Vanquish, The advice of the others before me is great. Here's my rewrite: Burnt Out Internet Marketer Accidentally Stumbles Upon... The Powerful Formula To Making A Full-Time Passive Income Online With Little or No Effort!
	Amazing WSO: Quickly Transform Your Website Into a Profit-Pulling Sales Machine Get Profit-Pulling Copy That Magnetically Attracts Customers and Instantly Boosts Your Sales!