Pro Copywriter Critique Request... Destroy My Confidence:)

Scott Murdaugh · 02-22-2010, 11:28 PM

EDIT: Brian's the man and David rocks too. I've decided to close this because I'm going to promote it here and don't want this post to seem self-promotional.

HUGE Thank you guys, you helped a lot. Mod's feel free to delete.

Thanks,

-Scott

BrianMcLeod · 02-23-2010, 02:17 AM

Hey Scott,

Here's a few ideas...

I don't love the pre-head. Test without?

I'd try getting more specific in the headline:

ATTENTION: All List Building Internet Marketers...

"Wicked New Free Software Generated 217,634
Unique Visitors To My Website In 23 Days"

Is That Really Possible? YES!
And it's YOURS for the taking...

Whatever... that's not a perfect headline but hopefully
illustrates my point.

It can be a challenge to write "traffic generation"
copy sometimes because it's so easy to fall into the
"get/attract/generate unstoppable waves/floods of
laser/super targeted traffic/visitors overnight/on
autopilot..." cliches.

Gotta find a way to differentiate and make the idea
sound fresh and new - not necessarily "revolutionary",
but new...

Erik Stafford busted my balls about using red tick
marks on a letter last year and it was good advice.

The red check mark is almost a warning or correction.
Like a teacher taking a red pencil to the copy.

Use the same tick mark in green or blue... Try it and
see if you don't immediately prefer the way it looks
and "feels".

Also, if you're not going to put the opt-in form above
the fold, I'd "big up" 3 mega-benefits for watching the
video then enumerate what's on the video directly
below it.

and I'd jack up the size of the video to 600px or so
and put it in a Johnson box DIV centered.

Same thing with the opt-in form itself. Wider, snazzier,
impossible to miss or ignore. Maybe a bullet list on the
left and the form on the right inside a DIV.

Anyway... just some thoughts...

Keep us posted on the results and progress.

David Raybould · 02-23-2010, 03:55 AM

What he said ^...

Plus, I'd juggle the eyebrow around a
little if I were you:

Justify it on the left, and either boil
the words down so that it's pure
benefit, or rearrange it so the reader
doesn't have to get past the "dull"
stuff before they find out what's
in it for them.

Hope that helps Scott. I'd like to
give you more, but Brian's given you
some gold and I'm ridiculously busy.

-David Raybould

02-22-2010, 11:28 PM	#1
Scott Murdaugh ResultsCopywriting.com War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: San Diego, Ca Posts: 916 Thanks: 296 Thanked 600 Times in 218 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Pro Copywriter Critique Request... Destroy My Confidence:) EDIT: Brian's the man and David rocks too. I've decided to close this because I'm going to promote it here and don't want this post to seem self-promotional. HUGE Thank you guys, you helped a lot. Mod's feel free to delete. Thanks, -Scott
	Done-For-You Offline Client Attraction System By Top Copywriter... How I Consistently Produce Double-Digit Conversion Rates For My Copywriting Clients...

02-23-2010, 02:17 AM	#2
BrianMcLeod Fingers of Fury War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Miami, Florida, USA. Posts: 2,164 Blog Entries: 5 Thanks: 1,458 Thanked 1,643 Times in 693 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Pro Copywriter Critique Request... Destroy My Confidence:) Hey Scott, Here's a few ideas... I don't love the pre-head. Test without? I'd try getting more specific in the headline: ATTENTION: All List Building Internet Marketers... "Wicked New Free Software Generated 217,634 Unique Visitors To My Website In 23 Days" Is That Really Possible? YES! And it's YOURS for the taking... Whatever... that's not a perfect headline but hopefully illustrates my point. It can be a challenge to write "traffic generation" copy sometimes because it's so easy to fall into the "get/attract/generate unstoppable waves/floods of laser/super targeted traffic/visitors overnight/on autopilot..." cliches. Gotta find a way to differentiate and make the idea sound fresh and new - not necessarily "revolutionary", but new... Erik Stafford busted my balls about using red tick marks on a letter last year and it was good advice. The red check mark is almost a warning or correction. Like a teacher taking a red pencil to the copy. Use the same tick mark in green or blue... Try it and see if you don't immediately prefer the way it looks and "feels". Also, if you're not going to put the opt-in form above the fold, I'd "big up" 3 mega-benefits for watching the video then enumerate what's on the video directly below it. and I'd jack up the size of the video to 600px or so and put it in a Johnson box DIV centered. Same thing with the opt-in form itself. Wider, snazzier, impossible to miss or ignore. Maybe a bullet list on the left and the form on the right inside a DIV. Anyway... just some thoughts... Keep us posted on the results and progress.
	Brian McLeod The Warrior Event 2012 - Official Facebook Page Direct Response Copywriting \| Get on my private list immediately...

02-23-2010, 03:55 AM	#3
David Raybould Top Gun Copywriter War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Old London Town, United Kingdom. Posts: 1,224 Thanks: 155 Thanked 606 Times in 147 Posts Social Networking	Re: Pro Copywriter Critique Request... Destroy My Confidence:) What he said ^... Plus, I'd juggle the eyebrow around a little if I were you: Justify it on the left, and either boil the words down so that it's pure benefit, or rearrange it so the reader doesn't have to get past the "dull" stuff before they find out what's in it for them. Hope that helps Scott. I'd like to give you more, but Brian's given you some gold and I'm ridiculously busy. -David Raybould
	Millionaire-Creating Copywriter...http://www.DavidRaybould.com Site Not Converting? Want More Money? PM me or Email Me Here. I can help