Releasing My Book Online: Help Review My Salesletter

[bollytintin]

Hello guys,

I releassed a hard cover of my book, The Lessons of Life, last year and it has been my dream to release it online so that I can reach out to more people at lesser cost.

Well, that dream is coming to pass very soon as I already have my salesletter up and waiting for my Order Processor to activate my account.

All I need from you, is a look at my sales letter and any hint I will need to make it better than it is now.

By the way, the targeted audience for now are Nigerians and I have a dream of selling one million copies of it, whether online alone or I will combine it with offline sales, events that unfold later will determine that.

The URL is: The Lessons of Life: Highly Inspirational and Motivational

waiting for your great advice

[CesarGalano]

You can ask in the copywriting forum also.There's a lot of copyrighting pros and they give you an honest review

[bollytintin]

Thanks Cesar, visiting that part of the forum for the first time, minutes after I posted this.

Dunno if this will be moved by a Mod as I don't want to have duplicate posts

[DanielleS]

There are several things that need to be worked on here. I'll send you a PM, but for now, change that green background. Green is an untrustworthy color.

-Dani

[euhlir]

Just a few to help you out:

1. Could Use a better headline. Make it grab the reader by the arm and keep them reading your page instead of hitting that "back" button.

2. Change your order links to Nice looking order buttons.

3. Your sub-headers need to be smaller than your header and not distract your main header.

[The Copy Nazi]

Nigerians? This I gotta see. Back in a minute.

...back. OK...there's a HUGE credibility problem here. Who are you? What have you done? Why should I take your advice? You start off by hinting at a underprivileged background but you don't tell us the story. Why not? How do you hope to inspire me if you can't share your life story with me? All you're saying here is "Trust me". And quite frankly, I don't. I don't mean that in an offensive way. I mean you haven't sold me. You haven't established credibility.

[bollytintin]

@Metronicity,

I asked for advice and won't take any as offensive. Maybe I will need to add more stories about me there, right? The issue here is that I am selling to a community that knows so much about me first before taking on the whole Nigerians. But your credibility issue will be addressed Sir!

But according to Mark, there should be less emphasis about "I" and more about "you." I will have to marry both together in a very great way.

All in all I appreciate you guys for helping to check this out and point out all I needed to do to make it cool. I will still appreciate all the suggestions and help that I can get.

I won't disappoint my fellow Warriors on this project. I just want to show that Nigerians too understand IM lol

More please

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by bollytintin

@Metronicity,

I asked for advice and won't take any as offensive. Maybe I will need to add more stories about me there, right? The issue here is that I am selling to a community that knows so much about me first before taking on the whole Nigerians. But your credibility issue will be addressed Sir!

But according to Mark, there should be less emphasis about "I" and more about "you." I will have to marry both together in a very great way.

All in all I appreciate you guys for helping to check this out and point out all I needed to do to make it cool. I will still appreciate all the suggestions and help that I can get.

I won't disappoint my fellow Warriors on this project. I just want to show that Nigerians too understand IM lol

More please

Nigerians are some of the best Internet Marketers out there.

[travlinguy]

Your headline is weak and your sub-header is too long. The body of your copy lacks focus, punch.

For example, "Is it true that one can start from the lowest rung of the ladder of life and become an influencer of lives?" and "I started life on a very hard note because of circumstances beyond my reach."

I have no idea what you mean by 'hard note because of circumstances beyond my reach.' I understand what you're trying to say in the first sentence but it's weak.

It's written in the passive voice as much of the rest of your material is. The phrase 'infulencer of lives' is way too vague. Get more to the point right away with something specific, something that shouts out BENEFITS!

It's already been mentioned but you need to qualify yourself a bit right up front. The personal development market is dominated by well-known gurus. There's still room for upstarts but you have to make a super-dynamic presentation to get any traction in this crowded niche. This page falls far short of that. If I'd come across it outside of doing a critique I would have clicked off before finishing reading the headline. I'd say you need a complete rewrite. Good luck.

[bollytintin]

@metronicity, you bet

@travlinguy, thanks so much for this super critique. I'm beginning to learn that been conservative does not cut it in this game. I have to come out and beat my chest and tell people all I have done and also blow my horns.

It is just my nature to be conservative and not appear as been brash. lol

Will take note and definitely do a rewrite.

Thanks guys

[amigosg]

There are a few omissions:

a) Salutation for the readers, e.g. "Dear Friend,"

b) P.S. (postscript)

c) Signature (in process blue color)

[ryanmberg]

Hi Adebola,

Good advice from the others so far.

I'd also add that if your target market is Nigerians you should make it obvious when a Nigerian lands on the page that they know this site is for THEM. Let them know you understand their unique struggles, every day life, common aspirations, etc.

I don't think you should see yourself as competing against all the well known self help gurus (although there is plenty to learn from them in how they sell themselves). You need to be positioning yourself as the #1 Nigerian self improvement leader.

I have a feeling the big HOOK that will draw people into the letter is tied in with that. You need to crystallize the unique struggles of your market, and show them you have the first solution to those problems that is custom tailored for them.

Ryan

[Mr. Enthusiastic]

I see two big problems with the letter.

First, you say that one day you found some other book that changed your life. The only thing you say that made a difference for you was reading that other book. Well, why not sell that book?

Second, throughout the letter you seem to invite negativity, expect mistrust, and give orders... all while using formal language.
You have doubts, you don't believe, I need not state, you will not dispute, get a refund, if the testimonials are not true, you need to read more to understand, an empty boast, a mere dream, it is my desire not to, if I consider the value, this is not a joke, not trying to kid, I don't know what your excuse is.
Those sound like brash taunts to pick a fight, not like an invitation to be inspired.

I think it's a good idea to do a rewrite.
I like Ryan's suggestion.
Here is my suggestion for your new outline.

Tell a little about the struggles you have been through.
Talk about how it is not just your life, but everyone in Nigeria faces the struggle.
Discuss the skeptical attitudes of hopelessness you see around you, and how you used to be caught up in those negative attitudes.
Describe what made you willing to have faith and hope.
What changed in your life once you had this positive attitude?
How did you start to teach other people?
Now you can include the testimonials.
Talk about your dream to inspire one million Nigerians.
What do you see as the potential for Nigeria? Why should Nigerians feel hopeful about their future? Can your book help transform the negative reputation of Nigeria as home for scammers and fraud? What will this do for your people? What does that mean to you?
Say that you wanted to make your book affordable. The comparison with local food is excellent, Explain how the guarantee works.
Now provide the excerpt and some bullet points of what the reader will learn.
Ask for the order and paint the picture of how life will be better with the new perspective from your book.

Basically what people would see from beginning to end if there was a movie about your life and how your book transformed attitudes all over your country.

Chris

[DayDreamBeliever]

Hey bollytintin,

No time to be conservative on a sales letter. When you do the re-write just try to put yourself in the mindset of new parents.

They just had a baby and it's time to celebrate. You want to share this enthusiasm with the world.

About your book:

What are these lessons? You need to add more depth to this description.

I didn't see any mention of how you will actually turn people's lives around. The testimonials don't support that.

I didn't see a plan or a blueprint. You need to mention this or change your headline.

There's a lot of potential here. Keep at it.

- Jon

[bollytintin]

Thanks guys for these wonderful tips. will let you see what I am able to come with from your advices.

Surely have so much to study.

Thanks once again all.

[TheGraduate]

Originally Posted by DanielleS

There are several things that need to be worked on here. I'll send you a PM, but for now, change that green background. Green is an untrustworthy color.

-Dani

I do not think he will get rid of the green background, green is a powerful and trustworthy color in the Nigerian Yoruba religion, it is representative of the great warrior Ogun of the ancient Nigerian city of ife

[bollytintin]

TheGraduate,

I have never heard of that before! Where did you hear this?

Green stands for our rich Agricultural farmlands, that is what I know about it Sir unless you are educating me.

[Ken_Caudill]

How do book publishers and retailers sell books? Why not take a look at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Random House, and see what they do?

[TheGraduate]

Originally Posted by bollytintin

TheGraduate,

I have never heard of that before! Where did you hear this?

Green stands for our rich Agricultural farmlands, that is what I know about it Sir unless you are educating me.

Wow, I really did not expect a Nigirian to not know about the Yoruba religion (live and learn)

quote: "Where did I hear about the Yoruba religion?"

Please tell me that you are kidding!, but in case you are not kidding, I learned about it at the University (African Studies) my major is not in African studies, but I had African studies courses as requirement for my major.

[bollytintin]

TheGraduate,

I think they taught you the wrong thing man.

green = agriculture in Nigeria. No significance to a Yoruba god.

[RogozRazvan]

1.Good headline, I’d change the color if I were you though. Also, you could underline or emphasis some parts of it (like the key benefits).
2.In the subhead – focus on the end benefit. How will my life turn around? What will I receive? This is true for the rest of the copy.
3.The opening copy is too much rhetoric and to little salesmanship.
4.If I were you, I would delete the entire section before the first sub-head.

Except for that, looks like a winner. Make sure to add a PS, this is the thing read by most people after the headline.

Best regards,
Razvan

[Cryp]

Hey bollytin, I think you need to pick a niche, helping people with "life" is very broad. You need to identify with a target market. Forget the hounds and sell to the foxes.
Even if your book deals with life lessons in general you need to highlight a main benefit and a secondary benefit early in your copy.

Warm regards