This Should Be The Best Sales Page I Guess!

[helper]

Hi Copywriters. Thanks for checking my post. Pls i want you to help me review my sales page and i need your honest review and suggestions.

Is the sales page converting?
Is the design ok with the name?
Does it appeal enough?

The site is about making money on facebook and here is the link

[Andrew Gould]

Your header graphic's difficult to separate from the background.

The background's distracting.

'brand new perspective way' doesn't make sense.

Break up the copy more. Make it easier to read.

'click here to add me' doesn't work.

Some sentences don't quite make sense.

'step-by-step pictorial cash pulling system' ??

Your bullets are a bit too long and a bit too dull.

The special offer bit on the bottom needs, at the least, to be incorporated into the main copy.

[helper]

Thanks for the suggestions. More reviews please!

[travlinguy]

Originally Posted by helper

Thanks for the suggestions. More reviews please!

You don't need more reviews at this point. If you do what Andrew suggested you probably have a decent chance at making some sales. I actually think you've got a good headline. One thing, it looks like some of your graphics aren't loading, at least in IE7.

And before you do anything else, get rid of that hideous background.

[helper]

Have actually made some few changes. What else?

[Mr. Enthusiastic]

I agree that the graphics need revamping. The capital TO and the gold letters on top of gold picture make this thing very hard to read right from the start. Gold Robot Suitcase Porter doesn't make me think of either Facebook or marketing. The repeated use of "dig" reminds of the social network site digg, which is a little confusing for an ad about Facebook. Bullhorn figure doesn't work for me either.

I think you need a total redesign - something with a modern, clean, uncluttered happy friendly web 2.0 look.

Once you get into the text it's pretty much OK, although you never do explain what you sell.

"Has it not occurred to you" is akwardly formal double-negative language. There's also a bunch of the "yes I'm hyping but you gotta believe me anyway" kind of language that often comes from Nigerian scams. A round of proofreading by a fluent American, UK or Aussie editor could help the language flow better and take out the negativity.

Oh, at the bottom I see you are from Lagos. Unfortunately, that would put me off. I think you might do better to joint venture with someone in a more respected country. Let them provide you with an American or British phone and mailing address in exchange for 10% of the sale. Just an idea.

The box switches between dollars and pounds.
The farmville example has xxx's where specific figures should go.
There's a leftover vertical bar after the Twitter book.
These show a lack of proofreading.
If the ad has those kinds of mistakes, would the book have similar mistakes that could hurt my business?

I really like the complete social networking package: Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I think you should emphasize that you offer a complete package with how to make money guides on all three sites, so there is something for everyone no matter which site is their favorite.

I think you're pretty close to a great sales letter and should keep working at it.

Chris

[BrianMcLeod]

The background must DIE... immediately.

Can't read another word until it disappears...

It's THAT important.

Brian

[Collette]

3 Simple Steps to
An Infinitely Better Salespage
Than The One You Have Now

(1) Get rid of the background. Yesterday. Please.
(2) Do what Andrew sez.
(3) Come back here for Round 2.

[helper]

Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic

I agree that the graphics need revamping. The capital TO and the gold letters on top of gold picture make this thing very hard to read right from the start. Gold Robot Suitcase Porter doesn't make me think of either Facebook or marketing. The repeated use of "dig" reminds of the social network site digg, which is a little confusing for an ad about Facebook. Bullhorn figure doesn't work for me either.

I think you need a total redesign - something with a modern, clean, uncluttered happy friendly web 2.0 look.

Once you get into the text it's pretty much OK, although you never do explain what you sell.

"Has it not occurred to you" is akwardly formal double-negative language. There's also a bunch of the "yes I'm hyping but you gotta believe me anyway" kind of language that often comes from Nigerian scams. A round of proofreading by a fluent American, UK or Aussie editor could help the language flow better and take out the negativity.

Oh, at the bottom I see you are from Lagos. Unfortunately, that would put me off. I think you might do better to joint venture with someone in a more respected country. Let them provide you with an American or British phone and mailing address in exchange for 10% of the sale. Just an idea.

The box switches between dollars and pounds.
The farmville example has xxx's where specific figures should go.
There's a leftover vertical bar after the Twitter book.
These show a lack of proofreading.
If the ad has those kinds of mistakes, would the book have similar mistakes that could hurt my business?

I really like the complete social networking package: Facebook, Twitter and Youtube. I think you should emphasize that you offer a complete package with how to make money guides on all three sites, so there is something for everyone no matter which site is their favorite.

I think you're pretty close to a great sales letter and should keep working at it.

Chris

Thanks for the last statement. It makes me happy.
Talking about my header, what picture do you suggest i should use, i cant think of any other than changing it to a guy on a laptop, probably mark zuckerberg.

What should i change, the background image or the background colour? I need a good suggestion but i think the background image (gold) makes sense because of the domain name. Suggestions welcome anyway.

What do you mean by I think you need a total redesign - something with a modern, clean, uncluttered happy friendly web 2.0 look.
I need a better explanation

Am from lagos. What is wrong with that and what do you know people think about lagos? If i make a deal as you suggested with an american or uk resident, should the introductory sales page be
From:OLATUNDE FARINDE & JEREMY CHRIS
or just JEREMY CHRIS alone?
Should the address be both Lagos and UK or American address?

Also, i will be targeting Nigerians too. Should i create a subdomain for it specifically for Nigerians as most of them would order by direct bank deposit and i will be changing the order page to my bank details.

Pls i need your honest response and i will really appreciate you.

[helper]

Thanks to everyone who reveiewed my page, pls i still need more reviews.

[A Bary]

The background is HORRIBLE..

The header is very cheesy, it reminds me of the late "e-gold"

There are very good designers on the warriors for hire section, for something like $47 you will get a decent professional sales letter..

Your product has a good potential, don't destroy your chances with this horrible design

A Bary

[helper]

Originally Posted by goldmind123

The background is HORRIBLE..

The header is very cheesy, it reminds me with the late "e-gold"

There are very good designers on the warriors for hire section, for something like $47 you can a decent professional sales letter..

Your product has a good potential, don't destroy your chances with this horrible design

A Bary

Thanks for the review but everyone has said it already. I need suggestions. Should i just make it plain blue (facebook colour) or another background image.
As for the header, what image do you suggest bearing the name of the domain in mind?

[VeitSchenk]

.... I checked this thread a few days ago, totally
agree with the 'horrid background' comments ....

and now a few days later, I don't see any change....

Veit

[helper]

Originally Posted by VeitSchenk

.... I checked this thread a few days ago, totally
agree with the 'horrid background' comments ....

and now a few days later, I don't see any change....

Veit

Everyone says the background is horrible but no suggestion. Maybe i will change it my 'taste' and come back here for review tomorrow.

[Andrew Gould]

Originally Posted by helper

Everyone says the background is horrible but no suggestion. Maybe i will change it my 'taste' and come back here for review tomorrow.

Here you go then: I'd split-test white (ffffff) against 'facebook blue' (3b5998).

You need to bear in mind that your 'taste' is completely irrelevant, the only thing that matters is which background converts the best.

[pickthat apple]

Hi helper,
I do think that you should not mention "Nigeria" in your page -for the moment- reason being that it is true that a lot of scams origin from Nigeria, and that does not help your case.
However, I look forward for the first honest Nigerian business man...
So, there you are! Prove everybody wrong...

[Mr. Enthusiastic]

The picture/design is up to you! It has to be part of your own creativity for the site.

By modern web 2.0 look I meant look at Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Wikipedia, Blogger, Twitter, etc. The most popular web sites these days use similar designs.

These designs have plenty of white space. They are easy to read, use similar fonts and colors, the boxes have rounded corners, colors are unobtrusive (several use blue, very easy on the eyes). If they use gold or orange colors, they are only for accents, not for the whole page. The most popular and respected Web sites haven't used repeated background images for more than a decade.

If you compare these sites to each other, you can easily find ten things like this that they all do... and that your site doesn't do.

If you want people to think "this is up to date on the Internet," why not make your site look similar?

If your local customers use bank transfer, yes it would make more sense to have a separate page for them. The rest of the world would probably prefer to use Paypal.

There are many news reports about unethical Nigerians who make up lying stories to scam Internet users. Your own offer might be great, and you might be an honest seller with good information. But the negative reputation of Nigerian scams could really hurt your international sales. I think many people online simply won't give any offer from Nigeria a chance because of all the negative news. (I'm not saying this is fair, just that it happens, and it might take many years to change these attitudes.)

Your examples use your own Facebook conversations, so of course the letter should still be from you personally. If I see that a book was written by a Nigerian, but the publisher/seller is American and takes Paypal, I have more confidence placing my order.

So in your situation I would have two separate sales letters. One would be Dear Fellow Nigerian, here's how to make money with Facebook... here's how to order by Nigerian bank transfer... here's how to contact me in Lagos... my personal promise of guarantee... you could also mention that this is a way to make money online with total honesty. The other would be Dear Facebook User, here's how to make money with your social networking hobby... here's how to order by Paypal... for customer service questions here's the address/phone (U.S. or U.K.)... our guarantee is backed by Paypal/Clickbank/etc.

What really matters is not all of our opinions, but whether people buy! Get a graphic designer to help you make a new look for the ad. Decide whether or not you want to have an international version. Put it up and see what happens. Then start testing different headlines, etc.

By the way for posting here you only need to quote the specific line of the original message, not the whole thing.

Good luck with the redesign! (Might want to ask in the Website Design forum for that. It's just below the copywriting forum here.)

[A Bary]

Originally Posted by helper

Thanks for the review but everyone has said it already. I need suggestions. Should i just make it plain blue (facebook colour) or another background image.
As for the header, what image do you suggest bearing the name of the domain in mind?

I have already suggested you hire some designer for a few bucks..

And I suggest blue theme, much better for the viewer and relates to FB

[jaiganeshv]

sorry but its eye sore... yellow and golden bold letters are troublesome to read.
this is -ve pls dont wait for reviews do what all above as said..

all the best

[Daniel Scott]

People told you to change the background. So change it.

To anything.

A lot of people posting in this thread charge good money for professional critiques... and being rude and demanding isn't going to help you get more help.

-Dan

[robrave]

I see lots of golden money on the background and no longer interested on the product. You might have great text there but my eyes are pulled by the golden repeated money

[Chris Ramsey]

If you're actually making $200 a day via Facebook - Save 50% of what you make for 30 days and hire a professional copywriter. A $3,000 copywriter will make sure you've got a good sales letter that's going to convert.

I've got the names of some who might be willing to work with that price if you can raise it.

[reedworthy]

I'm no expert but I just read your page and It took me as far as the payment page, but for some reason, it did not drive me to go further...at that point, it seemed like another suspicious product to me...Was I erring on the side of caution...copywriters, care to comment?

[Andrew Gould]

Originally Posted by reedworthy

I'm no expert but I just read your page and It took me as far as the payment page, but for some reason, it did not drive me to go further...at that point, it seemed like another suspicious product to me...Was I erring on the side of caution...copywriters, care to comment?

I can't comment on whether or not you were right to not purchase but I can offer a possible insight into why you didn't:

The complete lack of proof and credibility combined with a high price.

I'll buy from an unknown seller if there's proof, I'll buy from an expert even if there's not, and if the price is right I'll buy from anyone. But this is lacking all three.

[TheKeys]

Background is distracting and all images are distorted. I would recommend paying a professional to make good, quality graphics to your website as it will be more appealing. You don't need to put so much information down.. just enough to attract the potential clients.

[helper]

Thanks everyone for all your comments. While i was offline, i had to change the background and i want you to view it here if you think the background is still 'horribe' maybe i will change it to blue as you all have suggested. I have not worked on the header but am thinking of using an image of a guy on laptop, probably mark zuckerberg. Hope am not going beyond my boundaries if i do that?

[helper]

Originally Posted by Mr. Enthusiastic

The picture/design is up to you! It has to be part of your own creativity for the site.

By modern web 2.0 look I meant look at Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Wikipedia, Blogger, Twitter, etc. The most popular web sites these days use similar designs.

These designs have plenty of white space. They are easy to read, use similar fonts and colors, the boxes have rounded corners, colors are unobtrusive (several use blue, very easy on the eyes). If they use gold or orange colors, they are only for accents, not for the whole page. The most popular and respected Web sites haven't used repeated background images for more than a decade.

If you compare these sites to each other, you can easily find ten things like this that they all do... and that your site doesn't do.

If you want people to think "this is up to date on the Internet," why not make your site look similar?

If your local customers use bank transfer, yes it would make more sense to have a separate page for them. The rest of the world would probably prefer to use Paypal.

There are many news reports about unethical Nigerians who make up lying stories to scam Internet users. Your own offer might be great, and you might be an honest seller with good information. But the negative reputation of Nigerian scams could really hurt your international sales. I think many people online simply won't give any offer from Nigeria a chance because of all the negative news. (I'm not saying this is fair, just that it happens, and it might take many years to change these attitudes.)

Your examples use your own Facebook conversations, so of course the letter should still be from you personally. If I see that a book was written by a Nigerian, but the publisher/seller is American and takes Paypal, I have more confidence placing my order.

So in your situation I would have two separate sales letters. One would be Dear Fellow Nigerian, here's how to make money with Facebook... here's how to order by Nigerian bank transfer... here's how to contact me in Lagos... my personal promise of guarantee... you could also mention that this is a way to make money online with total honesty. The other would be Dear Facebook User, here's how to make money with your social networking hobby... here's how to order by Paypal... for customer service questions here's the address/phone (U.S. or U.K.)... our guarantee is backed by Paypal/Clickbank/etc.

What really matters is not all of our opinions, but whether people buy! Get a graphic designer to help you make a new look for the ad. Decide whether or not you want to have an international version. Put it up and see what happens. Then start testing different headlines, etc.

By the way for posting here you only need to quote the specific line of the original message, not the whole thing.

Good luck with the redesign! (Might want to ask in the Website Design forum for that. It's just below the copywriting forum here.)

Thanks for the honest comment. Talking about Nigeria scammers, this is a problem affecting everyone Nigerians including the good ones. I am a member of MICROSOFT INTERNET SAFETY SECURITY AND PRIVACY INITIATIVE FOR NIGERIA and we are really fighting hard to stop scammers so we can restor the image of our country. But if fraud continues, i guess i have to change my nationality and locate to US. lol.

[helper]

Originally Posted by pickthat Apple

Hi helper,
I do think that you should not mention "Nigeria" in your page -for the moment- reason being that it is true that a lot of scams origin from Nigeria, and that does not help your case.
However, I look forward for the first honest Nigerian business man...
So, there you are! Prove everybody wrong...

Hi, i will prove you wrong that not all Nigerians are scammers. I can actually send the ebook to you all for just $27 in exchange for your honest and unbiased testimonials

[travlinguy]

The background is still very distracting and it makes the site look unprofessional. But not as unprofessional as any association you might make to Nigeria. I don't know why people come in here asking for advice and then ignore it, or even argue with people who have years of experience and have already learned from the same or similar mistakes. Any association or reference to Nigeria will hurt you. Period.

[helper]

Originally Posted by travlinguy

The background is still very distracting and it makes the site look unprofessional. But not as unprofessional as any association you might make to Nigeria. I don't know why people come in here asking for advice and then ignore it, or even argue with people who have years of experience and have already learned from the same or similar mistakes. Any association or reference to Nigeria will hurt you. Period.

Pls dont be offended. But like i said earlier, it was changed when i was offline and am currently trying to change it to blue on my laptop right now.

[Edk]

Just one thing. You'll be given lots of advice. Apart from basic stuff like grammar, once you're past that fundamental stage, change one thing at a time and track how that one change impacts on conversions. Makes things better? Worse? Then go from there

[helper]

Originally Posted by Edk

Just one thing. You'll be given lots of advice. Apart from basic stuff like grammar, once you're past that fundamental stage, change one thing at a time and track how that one change impacts on conversions. Makes things better? Worse? Then go from there

I have not started maketing it because i still want to set a squeeze page and video on the site

[RareGoodStuff]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gould

Your header graphic's difficult to separate from the background.

The background's distracting.

'brand new perspective way' doesn't make sense.

Break up the copy more. Make it easier to read.

'click here to add me' doesn't work.

Some sentences don't quite make sense.

'step-by-step pictorial cash pulling system' ??

Your bullets are a bit too long and a bit too dull.

The special offer bit on the bottom needs, at the least, to be incorporated into the main copy.

Here are my three points:

1. The sales copy is so poorly written and the background color scheme is horrible. The price?! Though you set your own price but if I were you, of course I'm not, I'd rather give it away for FREE to build a list of and establish credibility which at this point you don't have or struggling to get. Then look for back-end products to make money from as people download your free stuff.

2. Make the background color white. Keep it simple with less whistles and bells. Too much graphics distract the buyer's attention. Gold bars and yellow colors look cheesy and convey a tasteless image of 'gold digging' not facebook opportunities that you are selling. If you are peddling gold and related opportunities, then gold bars will make sense.

3. Re-write your copy and show your target why it makes financial profit to buy whatever you are offering.

Finally, pay good attention to Andrew Gould, his suggestions will help you a lot in case you to ignore what others have suggested.

Good luck to you!

[AustinLadyTam]

In addition to Gould's good suggestions, I would add that the top subhead is weak..."Let me show you?" Need a stronger qualifier of the reader.

2nd subhead (below headline) is just too long, as are most of your paragraphs. As Gould said, break 'em up. No paragraphs longer than 3 or 4 lines, please!

[helper]

Originally Posted by RareGoodStuff

Here are my three points:

1. The sales copy is so poorly written and the background color scheme is horrible. The price?! Though you set your own price but if I were you, of course I'm not, I'd rather give it away for FREE to build a list of and establish credibility which at this point you don't have or struggling to get. Then look for back-end products to make money from as people download your free stuff.

2. Make the background color white. Keep it simple with less whistles and bells. Too much graphics distract the buyer's attention. Gold bars and yellow colors look cheesy and convey a tasteless image of 'gold digging' not facebook opportunities that you are selling. If you are peddling gold and related opportunities, then gold bars will make sense.

3. Re-write your copy and show your target why it makes financial profit to buy whatever you are offering.

Finally, pay good attention to Andrew Gould, his suggestions will help you a lot in case you to ignore what others have suggested.

Good luck to you!

I cant give it away for free because the information is so valuable. Am thinking of reconsidering it to $37 but the bonus are just too much for that. What do you think

[helper]

Ok fellow copywriters. I have redesigned the site especially the background and the header. You may compare it here to the previous ones. This is the new design This was the previous one and this was the first one.

Pls i still need your comments. Thanks for your help so far!

[Justin Mandel]

Holy schmoly your blue mini-site background is KILLING my eyes

And that new header ain't too good either

[Collette]

Originally Posted by helper

I cant give it away for free because the information is so valuable. Am thinking of reconsidering it to $37 but the bonus are just too much for that. What do you think

I think if your information is as valuable as you say it is... you have the budget to hire a professional web designer and a professional copywriter.

Because - I'm assuming - YOU are making $200+ a day using your own "valuable" methods, yah?

In other words, you have the money to hire someone who is capable of taking the excellent and specific suggestions you have already been given - and implementing them.

If you don't want to take and implement the suggestions you've been given - and you have not - there is no point in continuing to ask for help.

[helper]

Originally Posted by Collette

I think if your information is as valuable as you say it is... you have the budget to hire a professional web designer and a professional copywriter.

Because - I'm assuming - YOU are making $200+ a day using your own "valuable" methods, yah?

In other words, you have the money to hire someone who is capable of taking the excellent and specific suggestions you have already been given - and implementing them.

If you don't want to take and implement the suggestions you've been given - and you have not - there is no point in continuing to ask for help.

Thanks for the suggestions but am a web designer as well. I have already spent over $6000 on different copywriting books and teleseminars just to improve my skills.

You people asked me to change it to blue (facebook colour) and now someone is saying the blue is killing his eyes.

I can hire a copywriter or get another web designer but they will still ask me how i want it done and that is why am here.

[travlinguy]

The background is much better but the color is almost the same blue as your header graphic. I'd suggest lightening up the background a little. You have serious formatting issues still.

Toward the bottom of the page where you start with 'Special Offer' needs fixing. Rather than put that stuff in a seperate table, just extend the main template. You also have two blocks of text way outside to the left just hanging there in the background by the bottom table. At least that's how it's showing in IE7.

[Daniel Scott]

If you've spent over $6k on copywriting books (and read them all)... and this is your best shot...

Well... you really do need a professional.

Furthermore... it's pretty obvious you've never worked with a copywriter before.

We don't ask clients what we want... we research the market, analyze the competition, go through your product... and write a great letter.

Generally THEN we change it if you don't like it (often with repeated warnings as to why you shouldn't do it).

You say you're a designer... yet your own design was crucified by many, many direct response professionals... and now you're asking US how it should be?

It's pretty clear that if your product worked as described, and you were making that kind of cash, you'd hire professionals to do the job.

Hell... you can get a killer minisite designed by some guy in the Fillipines (or wherever) for around $100.

We don't mind helping out... but treating as like we're idiots isn't a bright idea.

-Dan

[Justin Mandel]

If you're selling IBM professionals materials related to their work you *might* choose to use "IBM Blue".

If you're selling internet marketers materials related to Facebook you *might* choose to use "Facebook Blue".
What hex color code is "Facebook blue"? - Yahoo! Answers

(you're welcome)

You have 2 choices just like everyone else who comes here...

1. Try your darndest to do EVERYTHING yourself and hammer it all out on your own - design, copy, marketing, product creation etc.
2. Hire a pro for at least a copy critique, if not a rewrite, if not a complete salesletter, if not marketing advice as well.

Since you're making so much with your FB techniques everyday ($200 per day = $1400 per week = $4800 a month = $57600 a year) doesn't it just make sense to PAY someone to help you squeeze out as much profit as possible for this product?

I'd say yes, but for some reason (*cough cough*) think you will answer "no".



P.S. Being slightly more polite and way less demanding will probably only help your cause in here

Originally Posted by helper

You people asked me to change it to blue (facebook colour) and now someone is saying the blue is killing his eyes.

[helper]

Okay, i will do as you all suggested. Thanks

[Will Edwards]

Friend - you really need to take heed of the advice already given above. And I don't want to upset you any further, but that video is truly aweful.

Will

[helper]

Originally Posted by Will Edwards

Friend - you really need to take heed of the advice already given above. And I don't want to upset you any further, but that video is truly aweful.

Will

Oh really? What makes you think so?

[helper]

Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

Rather than getting all defensive, you might actually start appreciating that the posters are here to try and help you.

Writing very silly comments back to them, when they are trying to help you isn't going to do you any favors at all.

You might try hitting the Thanks Button in appreciation of others giving you a hand, rather than being so demanding.

If you earn this much money, perhaps you'd like to pay for a critique instead?

Or shall I simply sum it up for you?

The site looks absolutely hideous.

Stop wasting everyone's time and show a little more appreciation.

I forgot the THANKS button. I will start using it.