Is my copywriter doing a good job? Should I give him another one?

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by ChrisChoiSEO

A better headline just off the top of my head could be "An All Natural Peruvian Secret That's As Effective As Viagra But Without The Side Effects"

Or -

"Drop Some Peruvian - Go All Night With a Brazilian"

[CopyMonster]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Or -

"Drop Some Peruvian - Go All Night With a Brazilian"

Nice!

But why stop there?

"Drop Some Peruvian - Go All Night With a Couple of Brazilians..."

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by bf68

Nice!

But why stop there?

"Drop Some Peruvian - Go All Night With a Couple of Brazilians..."

You do know what a "Brazilian" is?

[The Copy Nazi]

How about -

"Drop Some Peruvian - Go Hard With A Brazilian"

Not sure if this works for the US market. In Australian slang, to "go hard" means to do something really well or with vigor (vigour). Especially in sport.

[jimisan]

Thanks for the entertainment guys. I just barely survived the piranha feast!

[fasteasysuccess]

Headline needs to express major benefit or concern and No proof my friend. There's tons of products, how's yours really different and why choose you. No wow or really big benefits expressed and if there in there need to stand out more and like I said no testimonials, or anything to prove this works but some stats you threw up. Just some quick tips hope that helps and just a quick tip you're not capturing leads for browsers.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by fasteasysuccess

Headline needs to express major benefit or concern and No proof my friend. There's tons of products, how's yours really different and why choose you. No wow or really big benefits expressed and if there in there need to stand out more and like I said no testimonials, or anything to prove this works but some stats you threw up. Just some quick tips hope that helps and just a quick tip you're not capturing leads for browsers.

Tricajus is not only GOOD in enhancing your sexlife but it has many MORE medicinal benefits as well. The proofs are here: (www.TricaJus.com.my - Tricajus Malaysia !).

In fact, my selling point is supposed to focus on MEDICINAL BENEFITS not sexual! Unfortunately, when my copywriter submitted the draft copy I didn't reject it. I guess it's too late to ask for a rewrite. He's stated that he won't do a rewrite since I didn't object when he first submitted the draft copy in the first place. What a bloody mistake!

You see, I'm in a fixed now! I've to leave it like this now at the moment. I'm considering saving up some $ then seek another writer to do a new copy focusing on the other health benefits of Tricajus such as low/high blood pressure, PMS, constipation, gout, skin rashes/disorder, etc.

[ElGatito]

Because you didn't reject in the first place? Where did you find that guy? That seems to be the behavior of a 97$ copywriter. Without forgetting his copy skills...

Anyway do you have Skype? I'd like to talk to you.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by ElGatito

Because you didn't reject in the first place? Where did you find that guy? That seems to be the behavior of a 97$ copywriter. Without forgetting his copy skills...

Anyway do you have Skype? I'd like to talk to you.

I got his services from another forum. Maybe he's also a warrior member I don't know. I've requested a rewrite but he doesn't seem to agree since I didn't reject the draft copy. Maybe I could ask him to revise part of it. Keeping my fingers crossed.

It's not nice of me to expose his identity UNLESS he collected my money and didn't deliver anything.

Sorry EL, I don't use skype.

[ElGatito]

I agree don't reveal his identity. I was just curious where did he come from.

Let's just say met him, I would love to ask him how he arrived at this draft.

And let's add its unprofessional to say "you didn't reject my draft, I'm fleeing with the money," while you haven't done anything with it. If anything, he's not so much a copywriter as a writer who has done his article, and can run away.

[Ken Strong]

Originally Posted by jimisan

It's not nice of me to expose his identity UNLESS he collected my money and didn't deliver anything.

No, even then it's against Warrior Rule #1 to talk about it publicly here. Even if he deserves it.

The main overriding rule for this forum is this:

If you have a problem with another Warrior, a Guru, or God, take it up with them directly. Not here. No exceptions.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by KenStrong

No, even then it's against Warrior Rule #1 to talk about it publicly here. Even if he deserves it.

Pardon me, I've gone against Warrior Rule #1! BTW, he's from DP. Besides that I didn't put up this salescopy for critique without his knowledge. I've given him the link to this thread. He knows about it and has acknowledge his weaknesses. He didn't even complain my actions at all.

I must have committed a great sin here. OMG.

[Ken Strong]

Originally Posted by jimisan

Pardon me, I've gone against Warrior Rule #1! BTW, he's from DP. Besides that I didn't put up this salescopy for critique without his knowledge. I've given him the link to this thread. He knows about it and has acknowledge his weaknesses. He didn't even complain my actions at all.

I must have committed a great sin here. OMG.

No, no, the rule says you can't reveal his identity publicly -- you're welcome to talk about the situation as long as you don't reveal his identity.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by ElGatito

I agree don't reveal his identity. I was just curious where did he come from.

Let's just say met him, I would love to ask him how he arrived at this draft.

And let's add its unprofessional to say "you didn't reject my draft, I'm fleeing with the money," while you haven't done anything with it. If anything, he's not so much a copywriter as a writer who has done his article, and can run away.

No, he's not fleeing with the money. He objected to doing the salescopy into an entirely new theme from scratch. I think he doesn't mind doing specific revisions. He has good rating at that forum, that's why I choose him.

[ElGatito]

Sorry, I literally talked out of my ass.

If it's understandable, I was insulted for you, in a way, because I really think the copy could be SO much better.

[jimisan]

I wish to extend my utmost appreciation to all warriors who've taken valueable time to critique my copy. I understand some of you are well established Internet Entreprenuers and I felt so honoured to have your attention. It has been a great experience for me. :-)

For those aspiring Copywriters, I wish to share some of my personal experience with you. Your greatest assets is your skills in writing. You don't have to pay for it neither do you have to stockpile it. Unlike doing a retailing business, like selling computers. You've to spent money to stock it at your shelves, if not sold within 3 months....it's consider old stock henceforth you might have to sell at a loss to recover your money. Unlike skills, it's an inborn talents that you don't need money to stockpile. If you provide good and excellent services, more business will be coming looking for you. If you don't then you're doing yourself a disservice.

I didn't wait for my copywriter to do any revision for me. I've taken the initiative myself to do it alone thus far. I've done some research and added a new sub "Still Not Convinced? Take A Look At These Facts!" I do hope I've done the correct thing. As I've said earlier, I'm no writer (but my father was!) I'll strive to revise the copy myself (should my copywriter doesn't offer any help) at my own pace.

Thank you again for the time. Cheers!

[DonFinch]

Originally Posted by jimisan

i) It has an Product Liability Insurance Policy for RM1,000,000 issued by one of our local insurance agency namely, Hong Leong Assurance(Tel: 03-76501288) under policy no: 062665803-04 for period of insurance from 01-04-2009 - 31-03-2010

ii)Certificate of Halal Products by Halal Food Council International(Malaysia & Asia region)

iii)Undergone Lab Test by Health Sciences Authority, Singapore (Lab.no: PH-0911-00878-001) on 17-03-2009

(iv)Independent European Certificate no: 601351 for ISO 9001:2000 from 10-05-2008 until 10-05-2011

(v)Independent European Certificate no: 601351-H for Hazard Analysis and Critical Control Point (HACCP) MS 1480: 2007 System from 22-04-2008 until 22-04-2011

(vi)It carries a Free Sale Certificate no: 105357/FSC07 dd 23-09-2007 issued by Food Safety & Quality Division, Mininstry of Health, Malaysia where Tricajus is a product that can be freely sold in Malaysia subject to compliance with The Food Act 1983 & Food Regulations 1985.

(vii)There're lots of testimonials given by local consumers in Malaysia which are mostly in Malay and Chinese language.

I've taken Tricajus since 16-12-2009 and it's helped to improve my health condition (low blood pressure). I'm having a good sex life with my wife lately. Tricajus gives me a solid hard on - it's still hard eventhough you've ejacculated. :-) Besides giving you a good and healthy sex life it does provide many other health benefits as well such as constipation, high blood pressure, gout, PMS, etc.

It even has helped some stroke victims:-
YouTube - Tricajus (darah tinggi,strok)
YouTube - Tricajus (stro 5 thn)

I see there're lots of potential with this product, that's why I'm eager to promote to USA, UK, AUS.....

Hope to hear more comments from you guys....

“Why is there no mention of all this good stuff in the sales page?”

There have been some really good points given on this thread, a lot of advice offered and by the sound of it… a lot of the points will be taken on board!

However, when provoked a little we find some quantifiable facts that are not even mentioned in the sales copy at all!

I find this amazing after reading all that loosely related stuff… (and as mentioned, some points that sail close to the edge! - Well, over it actually!) …that cold hard facts like these are not included!

And reading through some of those accreditations and the fact that most of the testimonials are from Asia way on, there is an angle there to sell it to the rest of the world that maybe your copywriter over looked!

If you tidy up the FTC issues… oh, and the little issue with Oprah[?], and ask your copywriter to revisit the page with a renewed vigour and maybe suggest another angle... get some proven facts in there...etc...(Heck, you get the idea...) then there is no reason why this product should not sell!

I agree with the comments about testing, testing is very important and is often over looked, I would go along the idea of a page for men and another for women but I would also do a split test on those too.

Fine tune this, market it right and the sales will flood in…

Looks like this could be a great sales product - Good luck

Anyway, these are just my thoughts…

Don Finch

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by DonFinch

“Why is there no mention of all this good stuff in the sales page?”

Fine tune this, market it right and the sales will flood in…

Looks like this could be a great sales product - Good luck

Anyway, these are just my thoughts…

Don Finch

Thanks for the encouragement. You're right, Don. I should include those accreditation and testimonials in the salescopy. Let's see whether my copywriter will help me with the revision otherwise I got to do it on my own this weekend.

[Daniel Scott]

If the guy you hired can't write... asking him to do a re-write won't help.

It's obvious he doesn't have the skills needed to create compelling copy... and frankly... he shouldn't be charging anyone anything for that crap.

If I were you I'd spend a hundred bucks on Amazon.com and get some great copywriting books. Study hard for a year and you'll probably be able to knock out something decent.

If you've got the cash, you can always hire a pro, but I'm guessing you don't (hence the DP writer).

Your other alternative is to find an affiliate program selling this stuff and drive traffic to it... that way you can get your traffic generation skills happening and make money (if it's a good page).

Kind regards,

-Dan

[The Copy Nazi]

And set up a facebook page. You can now embed videos on the page - with opt-in and clickable links. PM me for (unaffiliated details).

[Cryp]

Well what does the numbers say? I can take an educated guess that its not pulling very well - at all.

Headline is weak. Try:

"Siamese twin splits in two - one becomes a stud after a secret dose of herbal magic - the other twin, well

He wasn't so lucky. Blah Blah Blah

Okay I just made that up. But anything newsworthy and intriguing - your ad is clearly that - an ad. No offense.

The formatting + web design is bad. It screams at a prospect to hit that back button. Insert some easy to read paragraphs for starters. Throw away the yellow!! It repels rather than attracts.

Peace

[Christopher_Stella]

look at your bullets then take a look at some like john cartlons.

there's no curiosity and creates little to no emotion when reading.

the feature/benefits aren't strong when they could be super powerful.

The headline is weak, your better off creating one yourself using a "How To", "If...Then" or a proven formula. (News,Curiousity, Self Interest, Quick and Easy).

My advice is always every area of your business so you know what to look for and decide whats good and whats not. I advise you read a copywriting book by one of the pro's even if its just one, or read a classic to get the basics. You'll be able to pick this apart

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

And set up a facebook page. You can now embed videos on the page - with opt-in and clickable links. PM me for (unaffiliated details).

PM already sent.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Cryp

Well what does the numbers say? I can take an educated guess that its not pulling very well - at all.

Headline is weak. Try:

"Siamese twin splits in two - one becomes a stud after a secret dose of herbal magic - the other twin, well

He wasn't so lucky. Blah Blah Blah

Okay I just made that up. But anything newsworthy and intriguing - your ad is clearly that - an ad. No offense.

The formatting + web design is bad. It screams at a prospect to hit that back button. Insert some easy to read paragraphs for starters. Throw away the yellow!! It repels rather than attracts.

Peace

Yes, numbers are lackluster at the moment. Website is done by myself a 50 year-old -bloke. I know I've do to something about the copy. Thanks for the visit and comments.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Christopher_Stella

My advice is always every area of your business so you know what to look for and decide whats good and whats not. I advise you read a copywriting book by one of the pro's even if its just one, or read a classic to get the basics. You'll be able to pick this apart

You're right, it's hightime to learn some basic copywriting. I'm googling for copywriting guides. If you've any good sites to share, I'll be delighted. Thanks for the input.

[Ashley Gable]

Originally Posted by jimisan

You're right, it's hightime to learn some basic copywriting. I'm googling for copywriting guides. If you've any good sites to share, I'll be delighted. Thanks for the input.

Can I just say that is very refreshing to see someone stick with their thread, all the way through!

And to boot you are graciously taking the advice and putting it to use.

I myself sometimes have been guilty of abandoning threads and unintentionally ignoring the replies.

So good on you, it seems you have what it takes to make it a successful letter, taking constructive criticism and moving forward.

Ashley

[zenmarketing]

I couldn't bring myself to read past the first fold.

Layout is a huge part of successful copy. People will not read it if it doesn't look interesting.

Just study some copy from the top selling products and see the difference for yourself.

If the copy does not make you want to buy the product on the spot then it is not working as well as it could.
Since you are not sure about it, then I think that you have answered your own question.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by AshleyAA

Can I just say that is very refreshing to see someone stick with their thread, all the way through!

And to boot you are graciously taking the advice and putting it to use.

I myself sometimes have been guilty of abandoning threads and unintentionally ignoring the replies.

So good on you, it seems you have what it takes to make it a successful letter, taking constructive criticism and moving forward.

Ashley

It's not good to abandon and ignore replies. We've to be appreciate of people taking the time going through your conversation and giving their 2 cents. Regardless of whether the comments are crude/harsh, take it with an open heart. Afterall life is a learning process. I don't feel shy admitting being a rookie. Learn from the experts as the sayings go. Thank you for listening.

Originally Posted by zenmarketing

I couldn't bring myself to read past the first fold.

I admit it's not good. I promise myself to revamp the copy and come back with a better one. Give a week or two. BTW thanks for dropping by.

[NicheHunter]

Originally Posted by jimisan

Hello,
I hope you guys could assist me to review this salescopy and give me your honest opinions whether it'll convert sales or not. This is my first commercial product online, I hope to make an extra living out of it.

Should I give this copywriter another project?

Thank you.

Jimisan,

Honestly, if I had gone to the website I would not have bought anything. It is not because the sales copy is bad, it's because the website itself does not hold my attention. It's laid out in a confusing way. A few things that would pull ME in are:

1.) A good graphic header
2.) Things are repeated and waste my time: i.e. what id does for men, women and both are detailed in the graphic. Why do you also need them all detailed again with bullets <the checkmarks>
3.) There is a lot of highlighting in yellow which is distracting. Only highlight the MOST important things.
4.) All the doctors testimonials should be put into a box <one for each testimonial> and shortened. They are too long and I didn't even want to read them.
5.) If you are trying to sell something on your site, why would you post a link to another store front. Store p.s. take a look at that website. It is very pleasing to the eye and draw you right in and the graphic is product specific. You website made me feel manic.

For me, and this is only for me, the page is way to long. Websites with 5 or more pages in sales copy are starting fizzle just a little. People are starting to become immune to all the copy. I know I have. I read a few lines that get my attention and scroll to the bottom for the price.

Under the peruverian viagra heading, the last sentence is

The list goes on and on. The pharmaceutical industry is very tricky: they'll tell you the joy of having fun sex again, but they'll make an effort to hide the side effects! So why's Tricajus so much better?

Then go right on to:

"Still Not Convinced?
Take A Look At These FACTS!

Without answering "why it is better": I like the statement "So why's Tricajus so much better?" But I don't think that is the best spot for it. It makes me stop and wonder why the question wasn't answered, making me lose my train of thought and when that happens, the sale is usually gone.

The website should first grab attention with a great headline and a graphic, then slowly build up to the end to a "I got to have this".

Another thing I would do is take the highliting off the the prices for trial, 1 box and 3 boxes. Then change the wording from USD120 to just $120.00 with smaller fonts. The way it is now, all I see is someone screaming at me the price is $120.00, so I run.

One other thing I would do is not have your website go straight to the sales page. I would have it go to an opt in page forst so you can capture emails to market to. Follow up every opt in with an auto response welcome email with another mini sales pitch.

Well, that my .02 cents. I hope I wasn't offensive.

Gary

[dorim]

Originally Posted by jimisan

Hello,

Should I give this copywriter another project?

No, run as far away from this copywriter as you can.

[Rezbi]

Originally Posted by jimisan

Hello,

I'm not good at writing so, I hired a copywriter to do the salescopy for me. I did all the contents uploading by myself. I don't know whether it's a good salescopy or not. I wish to know the weakness so that I could improve my website.

I hope you guys could assist me to review this salescopy and give me your honest opinions whether it'll convert sales or not. This is my first commercial product online, I hope to make an extra living out of it.

Should I give this copywriter another project?

Here is the link

Thank you.

An excellent reason to learn to write copy... even if you don't want to be a copywriter.

[jimisan]

Good evening to all warriors,

I've done some remodelling with my website here : revision

Can someone please tell me, am I doing the right thing? I need your views about how to better improve it.

Have a nice and productive weekends. Happy Easter Holiday.


Jimi

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by jimisan

Good evening to all warriors,

I've done some remodelling with my website here : revision

Can someone please tell me, am I doing the right thing? I need your views about how to better improve it.

Have a nice and productive weekends. Happy Easter Holiday.


Jimi

Oh my God. File that one under "B" for boring. Or "W" for "who died?". Bite the bullet and get a writer. This is probably even worse than the last horror-show.

[Matt_L]

Can you tell me what the "DP" in "DP writer" stands for? I assume it's a ref to a jobs board or message board or the like ...

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Oh my God. File that one under "B" for boring. Or "W" for "who died?". Bite the bullet and get a writer. This is probably even worse than the last horror-show.

Hello Sir,

I admire your sense of humour. Your reviews are "B" and "W". I would appreciate some constructive advice as how to make it not "B" and "D". For people who has big pockets or successful IMers then I suppose "Bite the bullet and get a writer" is simply not a problem at all. As for me, I'm sad 'cause I'm not in the category yet. The sayings "The rich will be richer and the poor, poorer" sounds true indeed.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Matt_L

Can you tell me what the "DP" in "DP writer" stands for? I assume it's a ref to a jobs board or message board or the like ...

This is my first time using Wordpress, can you plse pinpoint to me the exact location of the "DP"?

Yes, I do have a conversation with my editor through message board. Can you guide me how to erase that "DP" thing?

Thanks for dropping by.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by Matt_L

Can you tell me what the "DP" in "DP writer" stands for? I assume it's a ref to a jobs board or message board or the like ...

This pit of spammers here - Digital Point Forums

[FeatherTouchMarketings]

Must comply with FTC new rule to live happy IM life