Is my copywriter doing a good job? Should I give him another one?

[jimisan]

Hello,

I'm not good at writing so, I hired a copywriter to do the salescopy for me. I did all the contents uploading by myself. I don't know whether it's a good salescopy or not. I wish to know the weakness so that I could improve my website.

I hope you guys could assist me to review this salescopy and give me your honest opinions whether it'll convert sales or not. This is my first commercial product online, I hope to make an extra living out of it.

Should I give this copywriter another project?

Here is the link

Thank you.

[travlinguy]

The headline is silly. It means nothing because it has no reference to your product.

You're also wasting a lot of valuable space above the fold with that group shot graphic of the medical types. That isn't necessarily the copywriter's fault but any copywriter worth hiring should have clued you in.

I'll leave it there and let the others weigh in...

[Andrew Gould]

Originally Posted by jimisan

Should I give this copywriter another project?

No.

The header's too big, no need for the Copyscape and social media bit, the headline's not good and the facts aren't credible. And that's only above the fold!

[The Copy Nazi]

It's from The School of No Idea. Not even Peruvian Viagra will get that page up.

"Oprah's Jaw Will Drop When She Finds This". WTF. Oprah will run screaming from the room, more likely.

Once again "Invest in a real copywriter" not somebody who doesn't have a bloody clue.

[RogozRazvan]

I think that the copy can be a lot better.
1)The headline should enter a conversation that is already going in the prospect’s mind. He is not doing this. Instead, he tries to go the “National Enquirer” style which may work in articles but not in copy. Trust me, people are very worried about their nutrition and how this affects their lives. They think about it kind of often … and you should take full advantage of this.
2) The headline (or pre-head) should get the attention of the target market or/and show your USP.
Even “Attention: All male over 25 suffering from …” is better than this version.
3)You should have a clear and appealing offer.
4)The picture is confusing.
5)The sub-heads should tell a story of themselves. The reader usually reads the headline and skips around the page. The sub-heads must convey attention in such a way that he’ll start reading from the start or at least that section.
6)Your core benefit (only one) could be conveyed better.
7)It’s a little to hype up. You should insert enthusiasm, not hype.
8)You should develop a clear voice that resonates with your target market, someone who was just like them but now found the solution/ authority figure.
9)The flow of your copy can be improved dramatically.
10)You should include some results based testimonials (that are quantifiable). If you don’t have any, don’t. The FTC is very dangerous these days.
11)Traditional blue links convert better than huge “Buy Now” buttons.
12)You should include more proof elements, like studies, facts, third party research.
13)Where’s your guarantee?
14)You could make your premium offers more appealing.
15)Include a clearer call to action with an added sense of urgency.
16)Include a real signature at the end of the page.
17)Use more white space, I’m overwhelmed by the page and this kills readership.
18)Future pace your prospect by showing him how his life will be after he uses your product.
19)Create a powerful analogy for what is the difference between owning and not owning your product (good/bad outcome).
20)Remove the header.

In other words, with all due respect, your copy sucks. But it can be improved.
As a fact, if you want, I can improve it without fully rewriting it.
Either PM with your contact data or please visit www dot razvanrogoz dot com or mail me at razvan @ razvan Rogoz dot com.
(Can’t post direct links).

Thanks!
Razvan

[NetWorth]

The header is off but almost more that the actually copy itself the font needs to be larger and the layout needs to be more reader friendly. People on the internet don't read then skim looking for the information that they want. Make that easy for them to find.

[Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Not even Peruvian Viagra will get that page up.

That's hilarious.

[Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter]

[Note: this post is about a sexual aid product. As such it uses strong language. Please do not let the kiddies read this or they may end up with nightmares about huge, angry man-parts...]

I won't comment on the skill or lack of skill from your copywriter. Occasionally I write crappy copy. I do it on purpose just to piss off my clients because I already make far too much money.

But enough about me...here are some thoughts on your copy:

Why are people going to buy? Are they buying to "revitalize"? I doubt it. They are buying to get...

"A Longer, Firmer Erection that Lasts All Night"
(...and leaves your partner completely satisfied.)

In my opinion you need to be much more up front about the sexual potency your product promises. I would go into detail about the powerful man-tool they can posses again--just like they did when they were 16.

I would put in the added health benefits as an additional sales point, but the main thrust (get it? Thrust?) needs to be selling the most powerful, fulfilling sex they've had in years.

I would be happy to give you some additional free pointers on this copy if you want them. Drop me an email:

Kevin [at] VirtualProfitCenter.com

[dorothydot]

Hi there,

I think you need to know who your actual purchasing prospect is. Although the sex angle is important to men, do you want this supplement to come up only when sex search-terms are entered?

Your product is much more. Your copywriter needs to hammer home the benefits. I think most of your visitors would be female, likely middle-aged. And married or unmarried.

Sure, these ladies may not mind having a way to, let's say make the men in their lives happy. Certainly a nice benefit. But there is more to this Tricajus than just sex.

"Whatever your need, Tricajus helps improve not only your intimate desires, but your overall health and do any and all of the above-listed remedies to various systems in your body - both physical and mental. More Energy? Better Sex? No Side Effect? Sign Me Up!"

Hit the more energy key harder - mix it in with sex. Middle-aged folks are running out of steam in more ways than one!

I'd reword the above to read more like, "Better health = more energy = lots more fun in your free time - gardening, hiking, shopping, visiting, whatever. Okay, you'll also get a lot more accomplished at your work as well. And happy boss means better paychecks, maybe?"

See what I'm doing? I'm trying to paint a picture for the readers of what your supplement can do for them - without the words getting in the way of the message.

Hope this helps,
Dot

[Kay King]

Not familiar with Tricajus? Men and women of all origins and ages will embark upon its immediate effects within just 3-5 days of use.

I'm not going to tear your copy apart - you have some good suggestions above - and some not so good ones. However, the line copied above tells me "English as a second language". That needs to be addressed if you are going to market in the U.S.

It's surprising how many will offer "advice" that includes offering to do the work (for pay, I assume).

kay

[David Babineau]

Originally Posted by Kay King

I'm not going to tear your copy apart - you have some good suggestions above - and some not so good ones. However, the line copied above tells me "English as a second language". That needs to be addressed if you are going to market in the U.S.

I have to agree with Kay.

Here's another example in your P.S. - one of the most read parts in any piece of copy...

You keep feeling tired, fatigue and lethargy at all times, keep pilling up on your doctor's bills, keep popping pills, etc, etc, etc

Cheers,
Dave

[Kay King]

At my house, M&M's (and Butterfingers) are a food group!

[Collette]

Sorry, dude, as Mal said,

Not even Peruvian Viagra will get that page up.

The entire thing - design and copy - is a confused mess. There is no clear idea of what this page is about.

The copy throws every possible benefit against the wall with equal vigor - and none of them stick. You need to decide on a primary benefit for this product, and use the others as secondary benefits. For example:

A multi-vitamin supplement gives your body all the vitamins and minerals it would get from a balanced diet. (Primary Benefit)

When your body has all the vitamins and minerals it needs, you will have more energy, catch fewer colds, sleep better, and feel more alert and focused. (Secondary Benefits)

But the unfocused copy isn't your only problem. Just going through the first scroll (which was as far as I got):

- icky word images ("excess vitamins leave your body in sweat & urine" sounds as though you're covered in sweat and urine).

- Hideous color chart that - in no way - conveys the concept of "health"

- Bullshyt "facts" backed by nada a shred of proof (100% of sexual dysfunctions are NOT related to cardiovascular or hormonal problems),

- Equally bullshyt claim in the header that a herbal remedy no one has ever heard of is "the #1 doctor recommended supplement for over 40 years". (This is a pretty sophistacted market of buyers. They will bust you on this in about .05 seconds)

- The use of function claims that will bring the FTC down on your ass like a charging hippo,

- The open invitation to Oprah's (extensive) cadre of lawyers to sue your behind into the next century for the unauthorized use of her name,

- and, Oh, So Much More...

*** Note to those wishing to sell supplements or other health-related products:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD spend some money to hire a copywriter who knows WTF they're doing.

a) You're dealing with people's health. It's immoral to sell them crap.

b) You do not - repeat - do not want to attract the attention of the FTC. They will eviscerate your guts and leave only sun-bleached bones for the vultures to perch on.

[Ken_Caudill]

Oprah once opined that herbal supplements are better than Viagra because they have no side effects. I know this because I sold a carload of ginseng and saw palmetto as "herbal Viagra" and used the phrase, "as recommended by Oprah Winfrey" in my ad.

Things went pretty well until Oprah's office called us and suggested that we stop.

The stuff kept selling even without the Oprah endorsement.

That was a while ago, though, and the market may have changed.

Your sales letter is not the disaster that people here say it is.

It could use a final re-write, but it hits the points it needs to hit, and that is better than half the battle.

I would ask your copywriter to come up with some alternative headlines and test the copy in the real world.

By the way, shopping your copy here is a really pissy thing to do.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

Your sales letter is not the disaster that people here say it is.

It could use a final re-write, but it hits the points it needs to hit, and that is better than half the battle.

I would ask your copywriter to come up with some alternative headlines and test the copy in the real world.

With respect to my learned colleague...you must be kidding. A "final re-write"? More like "the last rites". "Hits the points it needs to hit" - and what would they be I wonder? And "Alternative headlines" aren't gonna do a thing for this sucker. It needs a complete rebuild from the chassis up. Go back and read Collette's excellent post-mortem of this dead duck. She's spot on.

[Luka]

Nice pic lol
Btw... sorry it's not looking "PRO".. you got the reasons ... so many

[Hugh Thyer]

I won't comment because I don't like critiquing another writer's work without their permission. Its not professional in my opinion.

Besides, this thread is pointless unless you ask the only question that's relevant...

How much money is it making?

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

With respect to my learned colleague...you must be kidding. A "final re-write"? More like "the last rites". "Hits the points it needs to hit" - and what would they be I wonder? And "Alternative headlines" aren't gonna do a thing for this sucker. It needs a complete rebuild from the chassis up. Go back and read Collette's excellent post-mortem of this dead duck. She's spot on.

Just read it again. There are a few syntax problems. The headline is dated. The graphics could use some work, but the medical angle is right on.

On the plus side, it states from the gitgo what it does and is not unbelievable. I don't see the fact that it is written by someone who does not have English as their first language as a major drawback.

It is a foreign product, and that might even add an element of believability to it.

It would be interesting to see what happens if the product went to market as is -- especially if the OP advertised on adult sites and set up an 800 number to take orders. Classified ads would work, too.

Sorry, but I'm not in the mood to join PiranhaFest today.

[prettyboy]

I agree with everyone else here.....This copy needs a lot of work from the headline all the way down. I'm hoping this was a first draft that the writer happened to let you see. If this is suppose to be the finished product then no I would not give the writer more work....Unless, for some odd reason, this copy makes you money some kind of way.

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer

I won't comment because I don't like critiquing another writer's work without their permission. Its not professional in my opinion.

Besides, this thread is pointless unless you ask the only question that's relevant...

How much money is it making?

I absolutely 100% agree. If I could, with absolute certainty, tell what will sell and what won't, I wouldn't even talk to common people.

[eflo]

it sucks. but I've seen worse actually work. test it - if it magically converts a/b split test and tweak. but don't hire that guy ever again :P

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

Just read it again. There are a few syntax problems. The headline is dated. The graphics could use some work, but the medical angle is right on.

On the plus side, it states from the gitgo what it does and is not unbelievable. I don't see the fact that it is written by someone who does not have English as their first language as a major drawback.

It is a foreign product, and that might even add an element of believability to it.

It would be interesting to see what happens if the product went to market as is -- especially if the OP advertised on adult sites and set up an 800 number to take orders. Classified ads would work, too.

Sorry, but I'm not in the mood to join PiranhaFest today.

"The medical angle is right on"???? Right on the FTC's radar maybe. With that spurious and unsubstantiated claim of "Tricajus is the #1 Doctor Recommended Supplement for Over 40 Years!" . No actually it's more than that - its complete Bullsh*t. What Doctors? Witch Doctors maybe.

Oh and let's not forget this crock of S**t either - "100% of Sexual Dysfunctions Are Related To Your Cardiovascular System Or Hormones!" (I'm married to a Specialist and My father-in law is an eminent Medical Professor and my Mother-in-law a Skin Specialist- they all just laughed at this claim). "The medical angle is right on" huh? Sorry...you're way off.

Maybe we should ask Perry Belcher's opinion on this. I believe he's a specialist in this field now. His training recently cost him a Million in assets. http://www.shelby-sheriff.org/press_...anarrested.asp

http://mikeyounglaw.com/wp/2008/10/1...rfeits-assets/

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer

I won't comment because I don't like critiquing another writer's work without their permission. Its not professional in my opinion.

Besides, this thread is pointless unless you ask the only question that's relevant...

How much money is it making?

That's irrelevant. If it's targeting the US market its gonna get slammed by the FTC. No question about it.

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

"The medical angle is right on"???? Right on the FTC's radar maybe. With that spurious and unsubstantiated claim of "Tricajus is the #1 Doctor Recommended Supplement for Over 40 Years!" . No actually it's more than that - its complete Bullsh*t. What Doctors? Witch Doctors maybe.

Oh and let's not forget this crock of S**t either - "100% of Sexual Dysfunctions Are Related To Your Cardiovascular System Or Hormones!" (I'm married to a Specialist and My father-in law is an eminent Medical Professor and my Mother-in-law a Skin Specialist- they all just laughed at this claim). "The medical angle is right on" huh? Sorry...you're way off.

Oddly,the market for this product is not eminent medical professors, or even their relatives.

Also, the fact that this is a foreign product will allow them to avoid the FTC, the FDA, and probably Pfizer.

Does the stuff work?

Yeah, it probably does. Even if it doesn't, the placebo effect will kick in and many people will be happy with the product.

Is this ethical?

Hell no.

Will it sell?

Hell yes.

The medical angle gives them an excuse to buy. The OP is selling hope.

It's not all that different from selling the dream, is it?

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

Oddly,the market for this product is not eminent medical professors, or even their relatives.

Also, the fact that this is a foreign product will allow them to avoid the FTC, the FDA, and probably Pfizer.

Does the stuff work?

Yeah, it probably does. Even if it doesn't, the placebo effect will kick in and many people will be happy with the product.

Is this ethical?

Hell no.

Will it sell?

Hell yes.

The medical angle gives them an excuse to buy. The OP is selling hope.

It's not all that different from selling the dream, is it?

Nope. That won't wash. IF they are targeting the US market. Might be a different situation for the Malaysian or Sabah markets but if they are targeting the US they can still be held accountable by the US authorities. I've asked Bob Silber - (the Attorney who specialises in FTC and other I.M. practices) about this before.

You can't do this kind of stuff anymore. Rightly so. Every copywriter has a "duty of care", as it were, to their clients, to be up on the latest FTC rulings.

The crack about "eminent medical professors or even their relatives" is pretty pathetic. I don't make this stuff up. I can't afford to.

You can't "sell hope" as you put it. You have to be super careful what you're claiming - especially in this field.

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Nope. That won't wash. IF they are targeting the US market. Might be a different situation for the Malaysian or Sabah markets but if they are targeting the US they can still be held accountable by the US authorities. I've asked Bob Silber - (the Attorney who specialises in FTC and other I.M. practices) about this before.

You can't do this kind of stuff anymore. Rightly so. Every copywriter has a "duty of care", as it were, to their clients, to be up on the latest FTC rulings.

The crack about "eminent medical professors or even their relatives" is pretty pathetic. I don't make this stuff up. I can't afford too.

You can't "sell hope" as you put it. You have to be super careful what you're claiming - especially in this field.

Sorry if I ruffled your feathers, I really am.

Some people believe in free enterprise, others believe that the government should have at least some measure of control over it.

If Pfizer sold the same product, it would be just fine, I guess.

[jimisan]

Thank you so much for all the inputs given thus far. I really appreciate it. At least I dare to face criticism which are beneficial for improvement. I like this forum very much and obviously they're plenty of good and helpful people around here. :-) There're many good points which I got to take note of especially FTC, Oprah thingy. I've to admit that this salescopy is not good enough. I'll strive to improve it based on recommendations here. Keep them coming, thanks again for taking the time.

Just to clear some air here. This is not a crappy product as some of us here might think. Below are some of the credentials that this product(tricajus) carries:-

i) It has an Product Liability Insurance Policy for RM1,000,000 issued by one of our local insurance agency namely, Hong Leong Assurance(Tel: 03-76501288) under policy no: 062665803-04 for period of insurance from 01-04-2009 - 31-03-2010

ii)Certificate of Halal Products by Halal Food Council International(Malaysia & Asia region)

iii)Undergone Lab Test by Health Sciences Authority, Singapore (Lab.no: PH-0911-00878-001) on 17-03-2009

(iv)Independent European Certificate no: 601351 for ISO 9001:2000 from 10-05-2008 until 10-05-2011

(v)Independent European Certificate no: 601351-H for Hazard Analysis and Critical Control Point (HACCP) MS 1480: 2007 System from 22-04-2008 until 22-04-2011

(vi)It carries a Free Sale Certificate no: 105357/FSC07 dd 23-09-2007 issued by Food Safety & Quality Division, Mininstry of Health, Malaysia where Tricajus is a product that can be freely sold in Malaysia subject to compliance with The Food Act 1983 & Food Regulations 1985.

(vii)There're lots of testimonials given by local consumers in Malaysia which are mostly in Malay and Chinese language.

I've taken Tricajus since 16-12-2009 and it's helped to improve my health condition (low blood pressure). I'm having a good sex life with my wife lately. Tricajus gives me a solid hard on - it's still hard eventhough you've ejacculated. :-) Besides giving you a good and healthy sex life it does provide many other health benefits as well such as constipation, high blood pressure, gout, PMS, etc.

It even has helped some stroke victims:-

YouTube - Tricajus (darah tinggi,strok)

YouTube - Tricajus (stro 5 thn)

I see there're lots of potential with this product, that's why I'm eager to promote to USA, UK, AUS.....

Hope to hear more comments from you guys....

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

It's from The School of No Idea. Not even Peruvian Viagra will get that page up.

"Oprah's Jaw Will Drop When She Finds This". WTF. Oprah will run screaming from the room, more likely.

Once again "Invest in a real copywriter" not somebody who doesn't have a bloody clue.

This salescopy might not be good but I'm very sure this product, Tricajus is! PM me your postal address, I'll send you a trial order FOC to your doorsteps.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter

"A Longer, Firmer Erection that Lasts All Night"
(...and leaves your partner completely satisfied.)

I would be happy to give you some additional free pointers on this copy if you want them. Drop me an email:

Kevin [at] VirtualProfitCenter.com

Thank you for the quote. It's a great idea. Should you be interested to test out plse PM me your postal address, I'll send you trial order FOC to your doorsteps.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by dorothydot

Hi there,
I'd reword the above to read more like, "Better health = more energy = lots more fun in your free time - gardening, hiking, shopping, visiting, whatever. Okay, you'll also get a lot more accomplished at your work as well. And happy boss means better paychecks, maybe?"

See what I'm doing? I'm trying to paint a picture for the readers of what your supplement can do for them - without the words getting in the way of the message.

Hope this helps,
Dot

Thanks for the rewording idea. It's a very interesting indeed. Should you be interested to try out Tricajus, plse PM me your postal address, I'll send you a free sample direct to your doorsteps. :-)

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Collette

Sorry, dude, as Mal said,

a) You're dealing with people's health. It's immoral to sell them crap.

b) You do not - repeat - do not want to attract the attention of the FTC. They will eviscerate your guts and leave only sun-bleached bones for the vultures to perch on.

I'm not selling crap products here. Should you be interested to test it out PM me your postal address.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer

How much money is it making?

Honestly speaking, my group leader is earning more than RM25,000 last month, his superior is earning more than RM50,000 (average) per month. :-)

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

That's irrelevant. If it's targeting the US market its gonna get slammed by the FTC. No question about it.

What"s your suggestion to avoid being slammed by FTC?

[Hugh Thyer]

No, you misunderstood me.

How much money is YOUR sales page making?

If its making lots of money then its probably a good page.

If its not making any money then it probably needs work. If your group leader is making more money, or at least getting a higher conversion then you've got some meaningful figures to compare yours to. If he's doing the same thing as you but getting 5% conversion and you're getting 1%, then yes, your page needs work.

Only your target audience will tell you if your page is OK.

Glad to hear your erections are going so strongly BTW.

[Traffic-Bug]

Learnt a thing or two from this sales copy critique thread. This place is so wonderful. Thanks warriors! As for adding my own two cents, the sales copy seems to have been updated based on the feedback given in this thread, and I would say it looks good to me. The headline is short and contains reference to the product name and it made me want to read it further and it has 3 bulleted points stating facts which the sales copy aims to address via its product.

[DougHughes]

Wow...yikes!

If you have the money I would recommend spending it on a good copywriter.

[MikeHumphreys]

Originally Posted by Hugh Thyer

I won't comment because I don't like critiquing another writer's work without their permission. Its not professional in my opinion.

Besides, this thread is pointless unless you ask the only question that's relevant...

How much money is it making?

I agree with Hugh. Frankly, you should be talking to your copywriter about the salesletter's performance... especially if you're talking about potentially rehiring them.

If it's not converting well, then your copywriter should be reworking the copy so that it does convert better.

Take care,

Mike

[jimisan]

I've already replaced the header designed by my copywriter with the one designed by my daughter ( a month ago which I used on another website). It's a bit smaller in size, I hope my daughter will be able to help me fix that problem this weekend when she's back from college.

I've also dropped my first slogan "Oprah's Jaw Will Drop When She Finds This!" with this one "You'll Kick Yourself For Not Trying Tricajus Sooner!" I've reworded the 3rd fact concerning the sexual dyfunction statement that doesn't sound good.

I've also got rid of my navigation bar at the top to make more space for the top part to be more visible. I've also done something about the P.S at the bottom which is one of the most read part in any piece of every copy as suggested by David Babineau. (Thanks again for the important tips) I've taken off the testimonial part and the slogan "You can put centuries of ancient Peru herbalogy to your benefit now".

Besides that everything else is the same. I know, it's still not good yet. But I'm on a shoe string budget and I didn't pay much to my copywriter. I can't afford to pay usd3000 for a good copy writer as proposed by some warriors here. To me I guess it's better to start off with something rather than nothing at all.

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys

I agree with Hugh. Frankly, you should be talking to your copywriter about the salesletter's performance... especially if you're talking about potentially rehiring them.

If it's not converting well, then your copywriter should be reworking the copy so that it does convert better.

Take care,

Mike

Hugh and MikeH, thanks for the advice. FYI, my website is barely one week old. I was thinking...... before promoting it using methods like article writing, forum posting, social media, etc...I've to see how effective is my salescopy, right? That's why I posted for reviews over here. Why should I start promote if I got a crap copy, right? Now that I've tested the waters I can feel the tidal waves already. :-)

Hugh,
My sales page is not making me money at the moment since it's so new. In fact my Group Leader and his Superior made their money using the conventional methods. Seminars, talks, roadshows - from states to states, city to city, district to district in my country. I can't follow them, I got a 5-8 hours job to take care of. I don't like their methods, I prefer to use Internet as my marketing source. There're windows of opportunities out there. Only if I found the right method. Of course GL is skeptical but I want to prove them wrong!

[Collette]

The fact that this product is being sold from a country other than the U.S. does not exempt the seller when the product is being sold to, or in (as in affiliates), the U.S.

In December 2006, HerbalKing was shut down by the FTC for making claims very similar to the ones being made in this sales copy. And the fact that some of the people involved lived in New Zealand didn't help them, either. The New Zealand government worked with the U.S. authorities to freeze their bank accounts and assets.

HerbalKing spam operation goes limp after FTC injunction

It wasn't pretty. And the FTC has gotten stricter since then; not more lax.

If you are going to sell herbal "health" products in the United States, there are very specific guidelines to what you can and cannot say. The FTC works closely with the FDA to regulate manufacturers and promotors of herbal products.

And they WILL come after you. One wrong word, one missing statement, one mistake or complaint may be all it takes to devastate you and bring your life crashing down around you.

If you wish to sell this product in the U.S. you need to protect yourself by seeking the consult of a lawyer qualified to counsel on Internet law and the FTC. Because, as far as the FTC is concerned - it is YOUR job to know the law and to be compliant.

Your product may do everything you say it does. It may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. But if it has not been passed by the FDA (which requires extensive documented testing) and your sales claims are not FTC compliant - you are asking for trouble.

You can sell herbal supplements that have not been approved by the FDA, and be compliant. However, to avoid the landmines, you really do need a copywriter who knows this field.

[Collette]

Originally Posted by jimisan

I'm not selling crap products here. Should you be interested to test it out PM me your postal address.

Sorry, I didn't mean to state that you, specifically, were selling crap. I've written for the supplement market, and I know that there are many natural health alternatives that work as well as, if not better than, some drugs.

That said - there is a LOT of crap being peddled to people as a "cure" for one thing or another.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by Collette

The fact that this product is being sold from a country other than the U.S. does not exempt the seller when the product is being sold to, or in (as in affiliates), the U.S.

In December 2006, HerbalKing was shut down by the FTC for making claims very similar to the ones being made in this sales copy. And the fact that some of the people involved lived in New Zealand didn't help them, either. The New Zealand government worked with the U.S. authorities to freeze their bank accounts and assets.

HerbalKing spam operation goes limp after FTC injunction

It wasn't pretty. And the FTC has gotten stricter since then; not more lax.

If you are going to sell herbal "health" products in the United States, there are very specific guidelines to what you can and cannot say. The FTC works closely with the FDA to regulate manufacturers and promotors of herbal products.

And they WILL come after you. One wrong word, one missing statement, one mistake or complaint may be all it takes to devastate you and bring your life crashing down around you.

If you wish to sell this product in the U.S. you need to protect yourself by seeking the consult of a lawyer qualified to counsel on Internet law and the FTC. Because, as far as the FTC is concerned - it is YOUR job to know the law and to be compliant.

Your product may do everything you say it does. It may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. But if it has not been passed by the FDA (which requires extensive documented testing) and your sales claims are not FTC compliant - you are asking for trouble.

You can sell herbal supplements that have not been approved by the FDA, and be compliant. However, to avoid the landmines, you really do need a copywriter who knows this field.

Exactly. I've notified Bob Silber about this thread and I hope he chimes in. But this nonsense about "how much money is it making?" is exactly that - nonsense. And irrelevant. And you copywriters should know that. Otherwise the OP is just getting a bumsteer. (I think you mentioned this HerbalKing bust in an earlier unrelated post, did you not, Collette?) Its one thing for something like this to be compliant in countries like Malaysia, Indonesia and even parts of Europe. Its a whole other ballgame in the US/Canada/Britain/Australia/NZ.

The writer doesn't necessarily have to be cognizant of all relevant laws - but he better make damn sure he has someone like Bob Silber vetting it before it goes live.

Here's his site. He'll give you some free disclaimers and stuff for your site. Recommended by Warrior Forum owner Allen Says and a bunch of other well-known I.Mers. http://www.internetmarketinglawproducts.com/

[wordwizard]

A thought that occurred to me as I was reading this thread...

How about creating two (or more) separate letters -- one aimed at men who are looking to improve their "performance," one aimed at an audience looking for improved all-over vitality, and maybe another one aimed at women looking for a more fulfilling love life...

That way, the copy as well as the ads getting people to the copy can be more targeted, which should help conversion all around.

Elisabeth

[ElGatito]

I see a couple flaws with the target as well with the copy

Segmentation

Like Elisabeth said, you are targeting the world, both men and women. I'd repeat what she said, do two sites, with two salescopy targeting the two populations.

Choose what ailment you want to cure. Is it sex? Or cardiac problem? Right now, there are too many claims to be credible.

Offer/Pricing

If you can change it and give it a trial, do so. Because right nw you're telling me "Fork over 20 bucks for a couple packs of powder I'm supposed to believe it will help me." It's called "Trial Pack", but its not really.

Or at least, if you are keeping this price, justify it with "Normally Viagra would cost you this much, but this product which is doing the same is cost that much less". Any type of dollar at a discount should do.

Worse still, I had to read three times in order to find the money back guarantee. This is a HUGE strength. You have to Sell the Guarantee, because it shows you have confidence in your product.

Story

Non-existent. The copy is bland. That copywriter should've found how they were discovered, and put it within the story. Right now the copy is fine, straight to the point. But the facts are unbelievable. Therefore I won't bother reading it through. Look at Gary Halbert's Diet Pills saleletters, he weaves a story to explain everything that happened in the development of the pill, and the copy is simply interesting and exciting. Your copy need to be similar.

Proof

Right now, I don't believe your copy. It's more of a trust me, fork over the cash...

Righto. The only facts cited are not introduced well, and have no sources...

There are no testimonials at all. Those videos you have, put them in. Or find some on better sex, PUT THEM IN. You Need some.

Scarcity

Right now I can't see why I should buy today instead of tomorrow. Put a countdown timer. Or a way that will just get them to act.

It can be either time sensitive, or quantity sensitive. A bonus, or a limited time offer.


I would scrap the header. Sometimes, they interfere with sales. I would rather have you with a great headline which will get them to read.

The headline is okay but not great. Here's why. When I saw it, I was wondering "What the hell is this?" Then I soon as I saw it was a herbal product, I was thinking "another one." If you're going for the sexual benefit, maybe put something like (not refined at all)

The Dirty Little Secret on Viagra, and what they've been hiding from you

Then start with the different problems people had with viagra, and what they wanted to hide from you : natural solutions are working just as fine and have no side effect.

Anyway, with all of that, you should have a thing or two to change.

Hope this full on critique helps,

Alex

[The Copy Nazi]

Found this testimonial on Bob Silber's site -

When I returned from the Internet Marketing Super Conference IV, where I had heard Bob Silber speak, I had a letter from the FTC waiting for me. The FTC had reviewed my alternative health website and found areas of non-compliance with their regulations. They threatened to fine me $11,000 per infraction and jail time, not to speak of shutting down my site, if I didn't comply.
Interestingly enough, they didn't mention any specific phrase or sentence that was out-of-compliance. They expected me to figure that out. I called Bob and talked to him about it. His advice was a big help."
Rufina James

therealessentials.com

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by Collette

The fact that this product is being sold from a country other than the U.S. does not exempt the seller when the product is being sold to, or in (as in affiliates), the U.S.

If you wish to sell this product in the U.S. you need to protect yourself by seeking the consult of a lawyer qualified to counsel on Internet law and the FTC. Because, as far as the FTC is concerned - it is YOUR job to know the law and to be compliant.

Your product may do everything you say it does. It may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. But if it has not been passed by the FDA (which requires extensive documented testing) and your sales claims are not FTC compliant - you are asking for trouble.

You can sell herbal supplements that have not been approved by the FDA, and be compliant. However, to avoid the landmines, you really do need a copywriter who knows this field.

Originally Posted by Metronicity

The writer doesn't necessarily have to be cognizant of all relevant laws - but he better make damn sure he has someone like Bob Silber vetting it before it goes live.

Collette, Metronicity: Thanks for the strong reminder to be compliant to FTC, FDA requirements else I'm asking for trouble. If my GL can help me to food the bill of $3,000(MYR10,500 my currency) utilising the products from http://www.internetmarketinglawproducts.com I would be very glad indeed! What more another $3,000 for a professional copywriter. Honestly, I can afford this much.....my children education needs my support and I can't deny them this responsibility.

Will getting a lab test in USA agency helps in tackling the FDA/FTC issues?

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by wordwizard

A thought that occurred to me as I was reading this thread...

How about creating two (or more) separate letters -- one aimed at men who are looking to improve their "performance," one aimed at an audience looking for improved all-over vitality, and maybe another one aimed at women looking for a more fulfilling love life...

That way, the copy as well as the ads getting people to the copy can be more targeted, which should help conversion all around.

Elisabeth

Hi Eli,

Thanks a wonderful idea. I've asked my copywriter to do a rewrite. Waiting for his response. I've told him about our conversations here too. He should know what to do. :-)

[jimisan]

Originally Posted by ElGatito

Hope this full on critique helps,
Alex

Thank you very much for taking the time to drop a full on critique. :-) Very interesting tips you've pinpointed. This shall serve as my guideline for seeking future copywriting services.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by jimisan

Collette, Metronicity: Thanks for the strong reminder to be compliant to FTC, FDA requirements else I'm asking for trouble. If my GL can help me to food the bill of $3,000(MYR10,500 my currency) utilising the products from http://www.internetmarketinglawproducts.com I would be very glad indeed! What more another $3,000 for a professional copywriter. Honestly, I can afford this much.....my children education needs my support and I can't deny them this responsibility.

Will getting a lab test in USA agency helps in tackling the FDA/FTC issues?

If you opt-in to Bob Silber's list he'll send you some stuff on FTC & Compliance - FTC New Rules I think he also has some free Disclaimers for your Website. They were available in the War Room at one stage.

[ChrisChoiSEO]

A better headline just off the top of my head could be "An All Natural Peruvian Secret That's As Effective As Viagra But Without The Side Effects"