Trash My Writing Please!

MarkFreeman · 03-10-2010, 05:21 PM

I noticed quite a few people ask for reviews of their copywriting skills here. I don’t know if that is good etiquette but I am looking for some honest feedback on the sales copy of my site as this is my first attempt at such a thing.

If any copywriting gurus want to tear apart my writing and give some feedback I would be happy to accept this punishment.

What you get out of it is a chance to vent and be as nasty as you want because I can take it!

http://www.lungdetoxification.com

travlinguy · 03-10-2010, 05:37 PM

Your header is WAY too big and it's taking up valuable space you should be using to make your case. Also, your headline isn't really a headline at all, it's a vague statement. I didn't go much past the top of the page.

In my experience, and I do have experience in this niche, the best way to sell stop smoking stuff is with fear and shame. Create a headline brimming with both. Then interweave the solution throughout the page but never stop pounding them with fear and shame.

Stuff like, if you keep this yucky habit up it's likely your kids will be without (mom or dad) then fill in the latest stats on the shorter lives of smokers. Then do some math for them and show how much they waste on smoking. Maybe that money could go for a college tuition or two. Maybe they could buy a private plane with the cost of smokes these days. Pour it on heavy. I understand that your product is about clearing the lungs but everything else is directly related so make good use of it.

The nasty black lung pic is good but don't stop there. Get pics of wretched smokers showing their leathery withered skin. Fill the page with stats about heart disease, stroke, cancer and all the rest. Talk about how awful it is to kiss a smoker. But do it tastefully.

Ashley Gable · 03-10-2010, 10:30 PM

I skimmed through it and one thing I noticed is that your order button is way to small!

It blends in with the rest of the site and your "paypal" and guarantee are almost bigger than it.

Try the ultimate belcher button:

The UBB Ultimate Belcher Button Wizard | TroyNotes

Troy really put together a good thing for us, just use the wizard to change prices around, play around with the size, colors ect and paste the code on your site.

It will grab their attention much quicker and better.

Obviously you need to work on other parts as well, as travelinguy said, the header is way to big. it takes up such valuable space.

talewins · 03-11-2010, 12:24 AM

Now You Can Clean 10 Years of Tar out of your lungs in just 3 weeks.
Our 5 step DeTox Program is GUARANTEED to clean out your lungs and clean up your life!

Clean breathing is the most important thing you will ever give your body. Nothing else on earth is more important than getting clear, clean oxygen into your bloodstream.
Black sticky tar is draining your health every minute! Behind the scenes your saturated lungs are dragging your system down to that critical point of no return. You'll be in a hospital room, gasping for breath like a fish yanked out of water. Even on oxygen your lungs will be too black to save your heart from buckling under the strain
But now there is a way to remove that black, sticky tar, safely and quickly. The sooner you try this 5 step DeTox Program the sooner your health will start a rebound.

Act now while you still have a chance to:
Greatly Reduce the probability of lung cancer (and other respiratory cancers) by 95%
Massively Reduce your chances of developing other lung disease by 90%
Reduce the chance of heart disease and strokes by 50% or more
Get rid of your lingering smokers cough
Stop smelling like an ashtray
Never feel the need to smoke again
Break your bad habits forever and cultivate new, healthier habits quickly
Increase your life expectancy
Begin to breathe easier, sleep better and feel healthier!

***

In less than 3 weeks you could:

# Clean out your bronchial tubes of tar and mucus
# Expand your heart's capillaries and remove blockages
# Boost your immune system massively
# Give you more energy and purpose
# Eliminate stress, worry and anxiety
# Give you the framework to solve most health and mental problems you can experience.

Cancers, emphysema, bronchitis and other pulmonary problems will be cleaned out of your system. Look at this smoker's lung on the right. Do you really believe it can function as well as a clean lung? Quit fooling yourself. Our 5 step DeTox Program is guaranteed to clean out your lungs and clean up your life.
Buy your DeTox kit today and within 3 weeks you will literally thank your lucky stars when your lungs get that first gasp of good, clean oxygen into your bloodstream.
Don't put this system off another second. Act now while your body still has a fighting chance.
You Will Never
Want To Light Up Again!

CurtisN · 03-11-2010, 01:06 AM

I don't really have any advice regarding the copy, but I did notice a few things, one of which was your ridiculously big header.

Another was your lack of social proof. Get some testimonials...video if you can. I also noticed that you have what I assume to be BS scarcity (i.e. price will rise after the next 60 sales). If you're going to employ scarcity, make sure it's real.

As a non-copywriter, my best copywriting advice for you in this case would be to hire someone to write you a new one. I may not be able to write copy, but it is evident to me that your copy isn't strong enough.

Curtis

P.S. That is one nasty lung.

The Copy Nazi · 03-11-2010, 02:19 AM

Mark, just quickly. This is a drive by.

Your Header is way too big - as others have already said. Ridiculously big. You need a good Benefit-laden headline.

Great before and after shots. Make them the hero.

Get yourself an Ultimate Belcher Button - The UBB Ultimate Belcher Button Wizard | TroyNotes

- load the UBB with SFX of someone hacking their lungs out.

MarkFreeman · 03-13-2010, 02:30 AM

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the feedback!

I have no idea how much it would be to hire a professional copywriter and to be honest I would like to get better at it so I am going to try to rewrite this myself (at least til this site starts making a bit more money i can reinvest).

Good point about the header and thank you for all your advice I can see a pattern of urgency and stark realities that need to be put forward too strongly.

I think I had an aversion to being too negative when I first wrote it as we want people to feel empowered and nto just scared to death but fear is a more powerful driver i guess!

The Copy Nazi · 03-13-2010, 04:46 AM

Generally scare tactics don't work in advertising but in the case of lung cancer from cigarette smoking its been proved otherwise. "Survey evidence from ex-smokers has repeatedly affirmed that personalised concern about “scary” health consequences is the primary motivation ascribed to smoking cessation." - Tobacco Control.

This Australian campaign has been so effective it's been exported around the world - including the U.S. - quitnow - Welcome to the Quitnow Website

YouTube - Quit Smoking Campaign - Tumour

03-10-2010, 05:21 PM	#1
MarkFreeman Active Warrior Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 50 Thanks: 2 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Trash My Writing Please! I noticed quite a few people ask for reviews of their copywriting skills here. I don’t know if that is good etiquette but I am looking for some honest feedback on the sales copy of my site as this is my first attempt at such a thing. If any copywriting gurus want to tear apart my writing and give some feedback I would be happy to accept this punishment. What you get out of it is a chance to vent and be as nasty as you want because I can take it! http://www.lungdetoxification.com

03-10-2010, 05:37 PM	#2
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,315 Thanked 1,634 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Trash My Writing Please! Your header is WAY too big and it's taking up valuable space you should be using to make your case. Also, your headline isn't really a headline at all, it's a vague statement. I didn't go much past the top of the page. In my experience, and I do have experience in this niche, the best way to sell stop smoking stuff is with fear and shame. Create a headline brimming with both. Then interweave the solution throughout the page but never stop pounding them with fear and shame. Stuff like, if you keep this yucky habit up it's likely your kids will be without (mom or dad) then fill in the latest stats on the shorter lives of smokers. Then do some math for them and show how much they waste on smoking. Maybe that money could go for a college tuition or two. Maybe they could buy a private plane with the cost of smokes these days. Pour it on heavy. I understand that your product is about clearing the lungs but everything else is directly related so make good use of it. The nasty black lung pic is good but don't stop there. Get pics of wretched smokers showing their leathery withered skin. Fill the page with stats about heart disease, stroke, cancer and all the rest. Talk about how awful it is to kiss a smoker. But do it tastefully.
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| 2941 Power Swipes To Improve Your Writing!

03-10-2010, 10:30 PM	#3
Ashley Gable Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: USA Posts: 856 Thanks: 172 Thanked 95 Times in 86 Posts	Re: Trash My Writing Please! I skimmed through it and one thing I noticed is that your order button is way to small! It blends in with the rest of the site and your "paypal" and guarantee are almost bigger than it. Try the ultimate belcher button: The UBB Ultimate Belcher Button Wizard \| TroyNotes Troy really put together a good thing for us, just use the wizard to change prices around, play around with the size, colors ect and paste the code on your site. It will grab their attention much quicker and better. Obviously you need to work on other parts as well, as travelinguy said, the header is way to big. it takes up such valuable space.

03-11-2010, 12:24 AM	#4
talewins Senior Warrior Member Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Middle Earth Posts: 1,126 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 9 Thanked 17 Times in 17 Posts Social Networking	Re: Trash My Writing Please! Now You Can Clean 10 Years of Tar out of your lungs in just 3 weeks. Our 5 step DeTox Program is GUARANTEED to clean out your lungs and clean up your life! Clean breathing is the most important thing you will ever give your body. Nothing else on earth is more important than getting clear, clean oxygen into your bloodstream. Black sticky tar is draining your health every minute! Behind the scenes your saturated lungs are dragging your system down to that critical point of no return. You'll be in a hospital room, gasping for breath like a fish yanked out of water. Even on oxygen your lungs will be too black to save your heart from buckling under the strain But now there is a way to remove that black, sticky tar, safely and quickly. The sooner you try this 5 step DeTox Program the sooner your health will start a rebound. Act now while you still have a chance to: Greatly Reduce the probability of lung cancer (and other respiratory cancers) by 95% Massively Reduce your chances of developing other lung disease by 90% Reduce the chance of heart disease and strokes by 50% or more Get rid of your lingering smokers cough Stop smelling like an ashtray Never feel the need to smoke again Break your bad habits forever and cultivate new, healthier habits quickly Increase your life expectancy Begin to breathe easier, sleep better and feel healthier! *** In less than 3 weeks you could: # Clean out your bronchial tubes of tar and mucus # Expand your heart's capillaries and remove blockages # Boost your immune system massively # Give you more energy and purpose # Eliminate stress, worry and anxiety # Give you the framework to solve most health and mental problems you can experience. Cancers, emphysema, bronchitis and other pulmonary problems will be cleaned out of your system. Look at this smoker's lung on the right. Do you really believe it can function as well as a clean lung? Quit fooling yourself. Our 5 step DeTox Program is guaranteed to clean out your lungs and clean up your life. Buy your DeTox kit today and within 3 weeks you will literally thank your lucky stars when your lungs get that first gasp of good, clean oxygen into your bloodstream. Don't put this system off another second. Act now while your body still has a fighting chance. You Will Never Want To Light Up Again!
	When you strive for greatness you will find that having a professional collaborator at your side can turn all the fuzzy preaching into writing that is smooth as silk and right as rain. http://www.talewins.com/LinStone.htm

03-11-2010, 01:06 AM	#5
CurtisN Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Toronto, Canada. Posts: 1,297 Thanks: 143 Thanked 229 Times in 186 Posts	Re: Trash My Writing Please! I don't really have any advice regarding the copy, but I did notice a few things, one of which was your ridiculously big header. Another was your lack of social proof. Get some testimonials...video if you can. I also noticed that you have what I assume to be BS scarcity (i.e. price will rise after the next 60 sales). If you're going to employ scarcity, make sure it's real. As a non-copywriter, my best copywriting advice for you in this case would be to hire someone to write you a new one. I may not be able to write copy, but it is evident to me that your copy isn't strong enough. Curtis P.S. That is one nasty lung.
	Curtis Ng (blog) - Product Launch Manager

03-11-2010, 02:19 AM	#6
The Copy Nazi Mal Lambe War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Bunker, Paris Posts: 2,486 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 791 Thanked 1,480 Times in 701 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Trash My Writing Please! Mark, just quickly. This is a drive by. Your Header is way too big - as others have already said. Ridiculously big. You need a good Benefit-laden headline. Great before and after shots. Make them the hero. Get yourself an Ultimate Belcher Button - The UBB Ultimate Belcher Button Wizard \| TroyNotes - load the UBB with SFX of someone hacking their lungs out.

03-13-2010, 02:30 AM	#7
MarkFreeman Active Warrior Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 50 Thanks: 2 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Trash My Writing Please! Hey guys, Thanks for all the feedback! I have no idea how much it would be to hire a professional copywriter and to be honest I would like to get better at it so I am going to try to rewrite this myself (at least til this site starts making a bit more money i can reinvest). Good point about the header and thank you for all your advice I can see a pattern of urgency and stark realities that need to be put forward too strongly. I think I had an aversion to being too negative when I first wrote it as we want people to feel empowered and nto just scared to death but fear is a more powerful driver i guess!