Give me a better heading and get a review copy FREE.

[bertuseng]

Hi there.

I am finished with my new sales page and the graphics for my new site. I am selling a free traffic product and wanted a good angle on this in my heading so I have quite an interesting one that I got from a warrior member. I want to split test this against another heading now.

If someone can give me a better heading and subheading than the one that I have now, you can get a free review copy of my product. If I choose your heading and subheading to use, I will send you the download link.

Here is the link:
FreeTrafficVolcano.com - Get Super Targeted Free Website Traffic

Thanks in advance. I know this is asking much, but I have received so much good advice from you warriors, I know many heads are better than one.

[Zero]

That blue sub-headline is a little hard on the eyes don't you think? ( the bright blue colour that is) You should really tone it down.

[Andrew Gould]

First, I'd test a plain text version of your current headline against your graphic one. I have seen cases where graphics out-pull text, but I'm finding yours ever so slightly difficult on the eyes.

[bertuseng]

Thanks, I will split test the graphics and colours later. First want to check if I can come up with better copy.

[Kevin-VirtualProfitCenter]

Lemme get this right...

I use my 30 years of experience to give you a headline, and if it out-performs the headline you currently have you will give me a free copy of your product?

Wow, sign me up!

This is insulting. Let me explain why it is so because I'm sure you didn't mean to be insulting.

When you come to a copywriting forum and ask for free help, that's actually cool. If someone wants to give you free help they can. No problem.

But when you offer to "pay" for the help by offering a free copy of your COMPLETELY DIGITAL product THAT COSTS YOU NOTHING TO GIVE AWAY, that tells us the value you place on the help you receive here is NOTHING.

So, while some would normally reply with some helpful headlines, many are offended by how little you think skillful headlines are really worth.

I'm sure you didn't see things this way. I'm sure you thought we would feel overwhelmed by your willingness to offer something in return for our "free" advice. The reality is that it comes off as arrogant and offensive--at least to some.

[MontelloMarketing]

While I concur with Kevin I'll take it slightly further...

You want everyone to come up with a better headline package... (the part that sets up the entire sales process) and you want them to do it without having any access to the actual product?

While I agree with kevin about this coming off a bit pompous, I'd say the request is even a little stupid.

At the very least you should say "Hey gang... here's a free copy of my product. Read it... enjoy it... use it... maybe it will inspire one of you to come up with a better headline for me."

See... at least then you're getting informed people to give you advice. As of this moment you're asking for an empty headline package. One conceived from a position of ignorance.

Think about it.

Oh... and yeah... your color choices and the effects you decided to put on your headline fones is pretty bugging to the eye.

[bertuseng]

Sorry for the insult guys, I really didn't mean it like that. Just wanted to make this "review my copy" thread is a bit different than the many others you find in this section of the forum. I didn't try to put a value on your advice.

I didn't realize that you guys would be offended so much by this thread. Anyway, you gave me good food for thought.

[mattsrinc]

Just give your personal story (if it's 100% true) more emphasize so readers will be magnetized to read more:
***
"How to Get Massive Amounts of Quality Targeted Traffic to Your Websites and Blogs For FREE So That You Can Make Money in 48 Hours or Less"

I was broke because I thought paid advertising will bring me a fortune. Discover how you can finally become financially independent with secrets gurus won't tell you ...
***
And continue with that. Ditch the blue color and image (use text), use #cc0000 for (red) headline and black for sub headline.

I used your words from a copy. Why don't you?

Interested in a copy. Do you have much more value than in say Free Traffic Avalanche (sells for $9.99)?

Matt

[jminkler]

What about a better product name? Personally I was a bit confused when it said Free Traffic Volcano... I thought it was Free!

if somebody types free traffic volcano into a search engine .. they are not expecting to pay.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by jminkler

What about a better product name? Personally I was a bit confused when it said Free Traffic Volcano... I thought it was Free!

if somebody types free traffic volcano into a search engine .. they are not expecting to pay.

Who in their right mind is going to Google "Free Traffic Volcano"? LOL. "Free Traffic" maybe.

[bertuseng]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Who in their right mind is going to Google "Free Traffic Volcano"? LOL. "Free Traffic" maybe.

Exactly. The emphasis is on Free Traffic not free.

Thanks for the advice.

As for comparing it with traffic avalanche, it is much more comprehensive and it includes videos as well.

[AustinLadyTam]

Argh! Before I could read your entire headline, not one but TWO hover ads jumped out and covered the right half of your headline, pre-head and subhead. And with my Firefox browser, there was no way that I could see to close these hover ads. Then the background on your sales letter faded to medium black.

I've seen a lot of this lately--hover ad jumps out, you can't close it, sales letter goes dark. I assume it's to force me to enter my contact info into the hover ad, but what I actually DO is leave the site and I don't come back. I wish people wouldn't use this tactic.

[ccIowa]

I'm not trying to be mean, rude, or in any way be anything less than helpful. However, I don't see a reader actually reading beyond your eyebrow let alone your headline.

The copy is totally confusing. Plus it looks like you took a sales letter for or from someone else and changed the words or something.

You are trying to sell internet marketers. Your target market is sales letter savvy. Your letter smacks of false from the onset. Your skeptical prospects probably won't even read it because of the pop-ups mentioned by another commenter here. If they do I can't see them lasting longer than 3 seconds.

What is the number one thing your prospects want?

How do they talk about it?

How can you connect with your prospects without triggering their skepticism?

I appreciate the fact you probably can't afford the copywriters on this forum. Perhaps you could go to elance or find someone who is willing to help you for a fair amount because they want the practice and your testimonial. If you aren't willing to invest at least several hundred dollars to have a beginning copywriter help you out you probably are going to be very disappointed with your sales.

I fully appreciate how frustrating this is yet it's not as frustrating as working your heart out and selling nothing.

[Daniel Scott]

Originally Posted by ccIowa

I appreciate the fact you probably can't afford the copywriters on this forum. Perhaps you could go to elance or find someone who is willing to help you for a fair amount because they want the practice and your testimonial.

1. I'm yet to find any profit-producing copywriters who market their services on eLance.

2. According to the salespage he's making over $100/day with just one account... with free traffic. That's not a bad living for one person in most parts of the world.

3. If it's as quick and easy as he says he could easily duplicate his results and hire someone with a proven track record to do this for him pretty easily.

It may sound like I'm being harsh on you, Iowa, but I'm not..

...I'm being harsh (kind of) on Bertus.

I pay all kinds of people crazy amounts of cash to help me grow my business.. and it's worth it.

No reason he can't do the same instead of trying to bribe the forum with a free product.

-Dan

[bertuseng]

Originally Posted by ccIowa

The copy is totally confusing. Plus it looks like you took a sales letter for or from someone else and changed the words or something.

Thanks for the constructive comment. I did write the copy from scratch. Unfortunately I am pretty inexperienced in this, but decided, for my first product, to produce everything myself, including the copy and the graphics.

I know it doesn't have that $10000 spark and as for the heading and the sales copy, I keep on hearing conflicting advice from experienced copywriters and amateurs alike, so It is a bit difficult to improve it, without specific help.

[Zero]

Try keeping realistic value to the bonuses you're giving away. You can't expect us to believe some of them are worth what they are. $127 for Craigs list advertising?? Its value is far greater than your actual course which you say is $97 reduced to $37.

I wouldn't give any of those bonuses more than $37-47 tops. I dunno if it'd even be wise to say you're offering them PLR/MRR rights to those bonuses.

If you inexperienced in copywriting, then you really should just hire someone to re-do it or go over what you have and improve it.

[bertuseng]

Originally Posted by Zero

Try keeping realistic value to the bonuses you're giving away. You can't expect us to believe some of them are worth what they are. $127 for Craigs list advertising?? Its value is far greater than your actual course which you say is $97 reduced to $37.

I wouldn't give any of those bonuses more than $37-47 tops. I dunno if it'd even be wise to say you're offering them PLR/MRR rights to those bonuses.

If you inexperienced in copywriting, then you really should just hire someone to re-do it or go over what you have and improve it.

I thought PLR increases the value of a product?

[Zero]

Originally Posted by bertuseng

I thought PLR increases the value of a product?

Its just my personal view. Sometimes it can be appropriate include PLR rights, othertimes not so.

Maybe others can chip in on this.

[bertuseng]

Okay, I kept the wording the same for now, but changed the colours and lowered the value of my bonuses. Hope this is better.

[Ken_Caudill]

You Built It, and They Didn't Come?

Subhead: Your Site's Not Worth a Dime Without Traffic

[Kella Bella]

Attention Internet Marketer: Are you tired of struggling to get quality website traffic and not seeing the results you crave?

I'm no copywriter but I think I would change this to Discover the step by step method to stop struggling for quality website traffic and start getting explosive results.



I might also take that Imagine your website exploding line on the header and change it to something like Watch your website traffic explode and start making red hot profits -you could also add on the end in 72 hours, etc if there is a general time frame you are pushing. Hope the helps just thought I would take a stab at it :-)