Okay taking the plunge.. would love feedback on my salespage

[Karen Newton]

Hi all,

I would love to get some feedback on the salespage I'm working on here:

Rogue RSS Profits - Backlinks --> Rankings --> Traffic

It's not live yet, meaning the order buttons are not active. And it's missing a few key items, such as the pricing, yet to be determined.

It's my first real stab at copywriting, and I thought after lurking in this sub forum for so long now, it would be beneficial to get feedback from those of you with copywriting skills.

All criticism is welcome!
Thanks in advance,
Karen

[Jared Alberghini]

Hi Karen,

Here is my honest review, hope it doesn't hurt too much My sole purpose in this review is to help you make more money, so I won't hold back in my critique.

First impression, the header graphic text was quite hard to read, didn't seem very professional, and it had what appeared to me as a reverse flow.

It described the answers before your question. I would put "Want More Traffic" in the top left, before your answers, and also, for branding purposes, I would also put your website logo in the top left, with your question: "Want More Traffic?", to further establish your brand. Check the attachment to see exactly what I mean.

Second Impression, it looks pretty technical to me... you need to competely simplify your copy. You are missing out on a huge part of the market, by alienating the newbies.

As a programmer, I could understand your copy, but for those who know nothing about RSS, you need to EXPLAIN WHAT RSS IS, and most importantly HOW CAN IT BENEFIT THEM.

Your headline is very 'tech savy oriented' and actually insults most work at home mom's that AREN'T Software Programmers: Work At Home Mom And Software Programmer.... does something you can't because you aren't a programmer...

Take a step back and look at your target audience, put yourself in their shoes, and think like your customer would think.

Think of the millions of people that are going online for the first time today, with no skills whatsoever, and try to write your sales copy to cater to those people who are just begging to get into this market.

My overall impression with your website is that you are targeting experienced web developers that know what RSS even is. (Explain this to those millions that don't actually know what rss is!!!) I hate to burst your bubble, but if you are just targeting the experienced group that already know what RSS is, and how to utilize it, you need to realize that these types of people already know how to utilize it's power and don't need your product.

You need to simplify your copy & approach... Write your copy to be understood by everyone, not just the guru's/programmers that know how to do what you are selling anyways, but to target those who don't know what RSS means in the first place, but are willing to learn, and are more than willing to pay you for your knowledge and valuable information.

Bottom line review, I would suggest re-writing your copy in a way that explains everything you are promoting in a 'how to for dummies' version and you would have great success.

I hope my straight forward review didn't offend you, but give you some valuable help in creating a successful business and helps you make more money online.

- Jared Alberghini

[Karen Newton]

Jared - thank you very much for your detailed response. It's very late here so I can't delve into it in detail right now, but I plan on revisiting all of your points this weekend when I get the online time.

I truly appreciate the detailed feedback!

Geez I want to respond now and the brain is buzzing... but I must get to sleep. It will have to wait unfortunately

Thank you again,
Karen

[Paul Coleman]

You are a good writer. The page works. But I would change the intro. I'm not a fan of the "warning" and "programmer reveals" titles. I think it would be better to begin by talking directly to people, like in your "rant". Your rant is where I start connecting to you as a real person. I would also leave out the "When you learn how..." paragraph. Just begin by talking to the reader one on one.

Also, I would make a new first paragraph (right before you begin the rant) and I would explain that I'm a programmer, working faithfully and quietly in the background. Then you discover that other programmers are over-charging people, and you are offended by this.

I'm also wondering about lines like this: "Are you really going to ignore all of that?" Isn't that a little antagonistic? The tone you began with is the honest programmer trying to help people not get ripped off. More like a friend helping a friend. The line I quoted almost sounds like a different person speaking.

And maybe beef up the "call to action". You know, click on the link below, it will change how you do business, take your money-making to another level.

Overall, your pitch works. And I don't think you'll have any trouble adjusting things. Best of luck on the project.

Paul

[Bruce NewMedia]

HI Karen you obviously did a lot of hard work....just some suggestions:

Header competes for attention with Headline (its too confusing anyways)
I would redo. Either less prominent or more attractive with less words.
Generally headers should have very few words in them.

Prehead says, "if you're foolishly not interested in RSS feeds click off the site now" ... This is a big mistake to say for obvious reasons. You've given me zero reasons to stay and already given me a reason to leave?????

Fundamentally you;re not quickly telling me WHY I SHOULD READ FURTHER.
The Head reads, "Putting the Power of Backlinks in My Hand" ...my response? So what?
The subhead as well is TOO NON- SPECIFIC.

What do I GET for all this?.....What is the BIG ULTIMATE BENEFIT?
Subhead says "You'll Unlock The Potential To Create Unlimited One Way and Two Way Links, Pointing Directly To YOUR Site"

(first of all saying 'potential' is weak, but even so WHAT DO 'LINKS' GIVE ME?)
....see what I'm saying? YOU have to make the connection for the reader. You can;t depend on them to figure it out.

Then you start talking about 'MASHING up data'....@^$&%!!$&&***@
I have no idea what you're talking about - none. Will the reader know?
Honestly, probably at this point i've left the site.

Why? because you haven;t given me one clear benefit-laden reason why I should wade through more of this page. Help me see what's in it for me!

I just scrolled up and read Jared's excellent comments. I'd agree you really need to think about WHO is the prospect in the first place. I'm not a programmer so I can;t relate at all. If you;re targeting new IMer's etc. it's probably off the mark, imo.

Still, you at least have something to work on and improve. Good Luck!

Disclaimer: all comments were meant to be constructive. No animals or children were harmed during critique.
_______
Bruce

[Karen Newton]

Thank you Bruce, Paul & Jared - all of your comments are taken in a very non personal way so no worries there, I'm like a sponge here soakin' it up. I am thrilled with the detailed responses and plan on taking a long close look at how my message is coming across on the sales page.

Weekends are bad for me to get online time so maybe I didn't initiate this post at the best of times. But that's ok - just letting you know I do plan on responding to all of the comments and taking them all into consideration. Over the next several days I hope to improve the salespage as well as continue this conversation.

Thank you again!
Karen

[Karen Newton]

Well ... was out of commission for a couple days (hospital - minor - no problems now) and now I'm behind and trying to catch up. Will get back to working on my sales page hopefully this week. Thanks everyone!
Karen

[Karen Newton]

Hi,

I know it's taken me about a week to respond here, but better later than never! Here is my updated sales page (maybe the first of many updates?!) Rogue RSS Profits - Backlinks --> Rankings --> Traffic


I've taken a close look at all of the suggestions offered, and made some changes to my salespage:

• Updated the header graphic (thank you Jared)
• Updated the main headline to remove reference to me being a programmer, so I can try to relate better with a more general audience
• Modified the second headline because previously I talked about 1-way/2-way links which didn't really address the benefits
• Added another paragraph (first one) in the intro area, under the "From the desk of..." as per Paul's suggestion
• Added another paragraph to expand upon what "mashed up" data is, see where I talk about "Collect, mix and manipulate"
• (from Bruce's comments about not understanding the "mashed up" terminology etc, paraphrasing)
• Added a section to give overview of RSS, see "what the heck is RSS" (as per Jared's suggestions on needing to simplify and provide more of an explanation on what RSS is)
• Removed the line, "Are you really going to ignore all of that?" as per Paul's suggestion, and replaced it with a couple sentences that are *supposed* to help implant the desire to "jump on the bandwagon".
• Added a call to action above the first order now button (as per Paul's suggestion)

Did not make any changes below that (yet)... What I am still struggling/considering:

• Bruce talks about the header being too non-specific, but I like the header mentioning backlinks, so I'm trying to analyze this and decide, more feedback appreciated
• Hopefully my modified second headline will now make it more apparent more quickly the benefits of the product
• I still need to decide on a price point, but not worrying about that until I'm happy w/ the sales page
• Some minor things near the bottom of the sales page need a bit more data, probably will replace the guarantee image with something better and not have so much whitespace around it. Likely will make the bonus section more obvious, with a bonus heading etc. Also the final order now section at the end of the sales page - likely will make a stronger call to action there, maybe bigger text, or more emphasis.
• Will include some standard links such as tos, privacy, contact, etc.

Well, I'm really looking forward to what you think of the changes. I'm very open to criticism so don't worry about coming off too hard or anything!

Thank you!
Karen

[Steve Faber]

You need to put the obvious benefit right out in front for those that aren't aware of what it is. We here all know why back links are important, but you'd be amazed how many people aren't. I even had to tell my IT guy why we needed to get backlinks with the proper anchor text because he's technically competent, but hasn't a clue about this kind of stuff.

Tell them the benefit right away, "You'll get More Traffic" (but make it sound better than I just did.

[Karen Newton]

@opportunitiesaplenty - thanks for your feedback.

I have done final modifications to the sales page, and getting it ready for Clickbank. I still have plenty to get done, including providing affiliate tools and implementing tracking etc.

Once I have it all set up (especially tracking), I'll be monitoring things and testing/tweaking as I go.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to help me out, very much appreciated.

Karen