As if GOD himself wrote this squeeze page

[bestfranchisebooks]

Hey there,

I have what I believe to be an effective landing page here: Franchise Analyzer Professional - Features.

However, I personally believe that I should be converting about 30% of my traffic into downloads. Right now, I am testing my squeeze page to find the best copy and to get people to download my program so my traffic only comes from relevant Google Adwords (no traffic from my funnel yet).

I'm getting about 17% conversions(downloading the free demo) at the moment. Please let me know what you think could be done to improve this page - I will send you my kudos and a free gift.

Also, if you have any success with software landing page work, please PM me. I'm open to working with you.

Thanks!


-JR

[travlinguy]

Start by getting a headline with the main benefit in it. Something like:

Free Analysis Tool Shows Realistic Cash Projections For Your Prospective Franchise. Get It NOW!

Then you've got a fairly large block of text with a bunch of goofy semicolons in it. Turn all those into bullet points. Just doing those two things will help a lot. Good luck.

[ghyphena]

In my (very) humble opinion, your squeeze page is not effective. Not at all.

There's just too much going on. There very dominant frames on the top and right-hand side... a whole bunch of colours.... those meaningless "as seen on" logos... that stock photo of the happy/angry guy... it all combines to form a very distracting and unappealing experience. I had to force myself to actually read your copy because every instinct of mine was yelling, "ugly page, click away, it's messy... click away now!"

I notice your headline is split horizontally. That's somewhat unorthodox.

Also, your headline is weak. It's difficult to understand... and the impact of the benefit is lost.

Your opening paragraph is an intimidating block of blue text. I'd consider making it easier on the eyes, at least by breaking it up into user-friendly chunks. And telling me all about your product isn't the way to go here. You need benefits - distilled down to their purest "no-thinking-required" form (as appropriate with regards to your target market).

I could go through the rest of the copy - the subheads, the bullets... but I don't think that a line-by-line critique is what you need right now. You need to drastically simplify your message:

--> Here's what my product can do for you. Download here.

Right now, it's just too many words, in my opinion. It's visually repelling and intimidating. I don't know if you're tracking how long the average prospect stays on the page... but I would imagine you're losing a very large percentage of them in the first second or two.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Gil-Ad

PS - As a side note, it's not really as if God himself had written this. Even though, as I understand it, He prefers to outsource His marketing writing tasks, I would imagine that He'd achieve "conversion" rates closer to 100%...

(PPS - Yes, I totally ripped off that joke from Bowring.)

PPPS - My point, incidentally, is that kind of attention-grabbing gimmick isn't really necessary... I (and others) would have gladly looked at your page anyway.

[bestfranchisebooks]

Travlinguy,


Thank you for your feedback - I deeply appreciate it. I agree the semicolons really lose the reader.. Do you think if I formatted the checkmarks in the same fashion as the checks below, it will deter from the checks below? Let me know if you think I should use a different bullet.

Also, I like using two headlines (or a headline and a mini headline) My primary headline agitates and the secondary explains a benefit. Nobody wants to lose their home, but my target market potentially can if they get involved with the wrong franchise - so it's quite a powerful message. Either way, it seems that I'm not effectively getting the message across because I have that goofy guy on it. I should probably just do away with him altogether, what do you think?

[travlinguy]

I didn't look below the fold because there was no reason to. Like ghyphena says, you've got way too much going on with this page. If you really want to 'convert' you're going to need to go with a more conventional opt-in or lead capture page.

You've got a picture of a guy screaming as though he's standing at a urinal and passing a kidney stone. What's the point with that? You also have an "As Seen On..." graphic at the top of the template that isn't doing you much good. Put one good headline there and move the graphic down out of the way.

This isn't that hard buy you're making it so. Figure out what you want to accomplish and then go about it without all the distractions.

One more thing. I don't know why you're not making people who download this thing give you a name and email address. You should be. Get yourself a simple Word Press lead capture template and set it up with a standard lead capture layout.

[bestfranchisebooks]

Travlinguy,

I get the email later - not to worry.

Basically, I want my features page to be a highly converting page. After which I will create conventional landing pages and do AB testing to determine what layout/text/etc converts best. Then I will go back and modify my features page accordingly.

Also, I posted because I'm interested in finding someone to build me some landing pages which I can test.

Thanks again for your response.

[bestfranchisebooks]

Gil - Thank you for your input. I changed things up a little bit as per your recommendation and Travlinguy.

I was hoping to get more PMs regarding some copywriters that would be interested in making me some landing pages. I have posted in the Products & Services forum before.. it's usually like drinking from a firehose - good in some cases, but not this one.

If either of you have experience with landingpages/squeeze pages with downloadable content, please PM me.

Have a good day and thanks again.

[Andrew Gould]

Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks

I was hoping to get more PMs regarding some copywriters that would be interested in making me some landing pages. I have posted in the Products & Services forum before.. it's usually like drinking from a firehose - good in some cases, but not this one.

You'd have gotten a better response, in terms of both critiques and PMs, if you hadn't used such an arrogant thread title. If it was intended as humor it miserably failed.

I wouldn't touch a client who'd write something like that.

[rondo]

Put the exe file in a zip because a lot of people don't like to download exes.
Or place a 'safe download' badge from one the big download sites.

Andrew

[gcastagno]

It is just waaaay too busy. My eyes don't know where to focus which kind of takes away from your product as one begins to drift.

You can never achieve the perfect squeeze page as it is an individual thing and what one person likes, another will dislike.

I would say that you find one that YOU like and build around that.

[jukeboxhero]

There's a big difference between long copy and long winded copy.

[Daniel Scott]

Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks

I was hoping to get more PMs regarding some copywriters that would be interested in making me some landing pages.

If you want writers, post your budget and time-frame here.

Most of us don't just randomly message clients without it, as the overwhelming majority of them want you to work for peanuts.

If your budget fits, THEN we'll get in contact.

-Dan

[AvidAZ]

I agree. I think it's a bit busy.

[maximus242]

Okay lets begin, layout, sucks.

Design, sucks.

Headline formatting makes me think your a con artist.

Free analysis tool doesnt seem very valuable and why are you giving it to me for free

Take the awards, reviews, etc and put them further up the top, make them highly visible, right now they are barely noticeable and so far they are the strongest sales tool you have.

Same thing with customer reviews, put your strongest testimonial up top before the headline.

The bullets could be used as a cure for insomnia.

Adding your name to the box cover of the software makes it seem like a piece of junk, no big professional software company does that, only little fly-by-night companies do, it makes me think, this probably isnt very good.

The free download click here doesnt make me want to click it, change the color to the regular blue link color, I guarantee you that you will get a higher opt-in rate for doing so.

Now you give me a second button?? Wtf... Why is there 2 links to click one right after the other, that makes me skeptical and it seems unprofessional.

I found the "how much money will I make" thing confusing. I dont know what a multi unit franchisee is. I have no desire to click your videos.

How do I know your advice is unbiased?? I dont want to read any further, im bored to tears.

Your copy is just boring, thats the problem. Theres nothing exciting, interesting, dramatic, entertaining about reading it. Theres no real reason or incentive for me to read on. Its just like, listen to my boring sales presentation about my boring product!

Bad bad bad. Add intrigue, drama, excitement, give me a reward for reading on.

[JohnMcCabe]

I guess even God himself has off days...

I hate to pile on, but I'm going to force myself...

What is your Most Wanted Response? You say you want downloads of the free trial, yet your landing page is an endlessly scrolling march of bullets. After the first couple of screens, I just started scrolling to see how long this sucker was.

And then I got to the BUY button, complete with prices, at the bottom. Huh? What happened to the free download?

Reload - scroll back to the top and try again...

Huh? An out of focus thumbnail and a link? Wonder what this does...

Hey, a slide show of every screen in the software, with no explanation of what I'm looking at! How do I get back to the other page? Scroll up, no close button. Scroll allllll the wayyyy down, still no close button. What if I click on the slide itself? Whew, it worked. If the slide show is this complicated, the software itself must be a real bitch. I'm outta here...

Moving on...

Is your software meant for experienced franchisees or newbies?

Before I even think about downloading, I want to know why I need the software. What will it do for me that a spreadsheet won't? Like maximus242, I had no desire to click the stack of videos. You didn't give me a good reason, you just stuck the videos up there.

Truth be told, you must have a good market niche here, because even 16% response amazes me...

[travlinguy]

Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks

I was hoping to get more PMs regarding some copywriters that would be interested in making me some landing pages. I have posted in the Products & Services forum before.. it's usually like drinking from a firehose - good in some cases, but not this one

I think you might get more action is you listened to the good suggestions you're received. There seems to be a trend here lately where people ask for reviews, get lots of good comments and suggestions, yet they often become defensive and ignore the good advice while defending the mess they already have. Nothing offered on this board is meant to be personally offensive. Well, almost nothing.

If I were to work with you on this particular landing page (this is not a landing page BTW) I'd insist that you made it a single lead capture page without the freekin fruit salad all over the place.

There's an old saying, 'Chase two rabbits and lose them both. Well, the way your page is now, you've got about 80 rabbits running all over this mess. The visitor doesn't have a clue what he's supposed to do.

But you insist that you know what you're doing and that there are reasons for having so many disctractions everywhere. You either take good suggestions and go with them or you keep what you have and the conversions you're getting. You can't have it both ways.

[Ross Bowring]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gould

You'd have gotten a better response, in terms of both critiques and PMs, if you hadn't used such an arrogant thread title. If it was intended as humor it miserably failed.

I wouldn't touch a client who'd write something like that.

Think it was playful light-heartedness, not arrogance.

--- Ross

[The Copy Nazi]

That really is an ugly page. Terrible banner design with this cheesy 1940s-style slogan "We have served thousands of satisfied customers worldwide!"

How boring is that. If you must stick a slogan there why not give it some balls? Like "We have 1000s of raving fans all over the world - wait 'til you read our testimonials!"

[bestfranchisebooks]

Maximus,

I agree that the layout and design suck. It needs to be a lot cleaner and probably a more bold text so the user's eye focuses directly on the headline and value proposition. What happened (and probably never should have happened) was that I had a features page that I turned into a landing page - again, bad idea.

Overall, I'd like to have someone create 3 landing pages for me (preferably with software sales experience) and I'll pay $200 a pop for $600. All I would ask is initial creation, time learning the value proposition, target market, etc. then a follow up in 2 weeks to determine changes. If all goes well, I'd be open to additional work as I need an actual sales page for after people download the demo and it expires. Also if people get a nag screen and are interested in registering.

I agree that the headline looks like the work of a con-artist. I always tip my hat to those that can deliver powerful messages and control what the user perceives.. quite a talent. When others such as myself attempt to do so, it's quite pathetic.

I really would prefer not to have the features section be a "story" format. Look - I know stories evict emotion and sell. However, I really don't want that. I would prefer to have a list of the benefits and valuable uses of the program if anyone has a good idea on how to do this, I'm all ears.

It's really quite interesting. People will pay thousands of dollars for a franchise fee and sign over their life, but not pay $350 bucks to make sure they don't sign over their house and all of their possessions. It's lunacy. But I see it every day.

Maximus - thank you also for showing me how unclear my message and benefits are. I agree much of my text needs to be dumbed-down as I remember when I purchased my first franchise - I knew absolutely nothing... about anything.

Thank you again.

[Daniel Scott]

Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks

Overall, I'd like to have someone create 3 landing pages for me (preferably with software sales experience) and I'll pay $200 a pop for $600. All I would ask is initial creation, time learning the value proposition, target market, etc. then a follow up in 2 weeks to determine changes.

"All [you] would ask?" That's a lot of work there dude. And why would they have to make changes in 2 weeks if they delivered something to you that worked?

I really would prefer not to have the features section be a "story" format. Look - I know stories evict emotion and sell. However, I really don't want that.

If you don't want it to sell, just leave it the way it is.

Problem solved.

Seriously though, why would you avoid something that WORKS?

As you said... it's lunacy. But I see it every day...

-Dan

[bestfranchisebooks]

John - it is quite a good niche. My product is also the one one of its kind in the niche, also a good thing.

I appreciate how detailed your response is. I'll post my A-B test pages tomorrow after I get some data - I've received some really good advice from many people on this forum (as I usually do). Thank you all.

How would you recommend I improve my thumbnails? Do you think I should make them larger and tell the viewer that they can view all of the images at once? Unfortunately, I'm a little limited on what I can do with the script, but overall, I like it. I can also have someone make some changes.

You also asked a very poignant question "is this for newbies or experienced people". In general, it's for both and over time I will make landing pages for each. However, the focus of this landing page is for the newbie(the fact that I have to tell you that is a bad thing) as I resell my app through other distribution channels for the brokers.

So my question for you, or anyone else for that matter - as there are many knowledgeable people on this forum, is how do I cater more strongly to those who know little about business, but have a little money in the bank and want to own a franchise?

People own franchises for 3 reasons(I've included the breakdown next to each item):
- investment (meaning they have another job and look at it as passive income) - 30%
- job opportunity - 55%
- career of multi unit ownership - 15%

Finally on to the videos.. What do you recommend I do with them? The videos discuss actual clips taken from the software. They discuss parts of the legal document that each person will sign with the franchisor (think McDonalds corporate).

Should I just try to get the user to click as many videos, etc as possible?

To me that doesn't seem like a god idea. I'd prefer to find a way to tie in that if they click a video they only see a portion of what's really going on and if they download the program, they get to see the whole thing.


Well, sorry for rambling on.. I want to thank you JohnMcCabe, for your in-depth analysis.

I deeply appreciate it.

Please feel free to respond to as much or little as you would like - I am just happy that you and many others took the time to peruse my page.


JR

Originally Posted by JohnMcCabe

I guess even God himself has off days...

I hate to pile on, but I'm going to force myself...

What is your Most Wanted Response? You say you want downloads of the free trial, yet your landing page is an endlessly scrolling march of bullets. After the first couple of screens, I just started scrolling to see how long this sucker was.

And then I got to the BUY button, complete with prices, at the bottom. Huh? What happened to the free download?

Reload - scroll back to the top and try again...

Huh? An out of focus thumbnail and a link? Wonder what this does...

Hey, a slide show of every screen in the software, with no explanation of what I'm looking at! How do I get back to the other page? Scroll up, no close button. Scroll allllll the wayyyy down, still no close button. What if I click on the slide itself? Whew, it worked. If the slide show is this complicated, the software itself must be a real bitch. I'm outta here...

Moving on...

Is your software meant for experienced franchisees or newbies?

Before I even think about downloading, I want to know why I need the software. What will it do for me that a spreadsheet won't? Like maximus242, I had no desire to click the stack of videos. You didn't give me a good reason, you just stuck the videos up there.

Truth be told, you must have a good market niche here, because even 16% response amazes me...

[maximus242]

Originally Posted by bestfranchisebooks

Maximus,

I agree that the layout and design suck. It needs to be a lot cleaner and probably a more bold text so the user's eye focuses directly on the headline and value proposition. What happened (and probably never should have happened) was that I had a features page that I turned into a landing page - again, bad idea.

Overall, I'd like to have someone create 3 landing pages for me (preferably with software sales experience) and I'll pay $200 a pop for $600. All I would ask is initial creation, time learning the value proposition, target market, etc. then a follow up in 2 weeks to determine changes. If all goes well, I'd be open to additional work as I need an actual sales page for after people download the demo and it expires. Also if people get a nag screen and are interested in registering.

I agree that the headline looks like the work of a con-artist. I always tip my hat to those that can deliver powerful messages and control what the user perceives.. quite a talent. When others such as myself attempt to do so, it's quite pathetic.

I really would prefer not to have the features section be a "story" format. Look - I know stories evict emotion and sell. However, I really don't want that. I would prefer to have a list of the benefits and valuable uses of the program if anyone has a good idea on how to do this, I'm all ears.

It's really quite interesting. People will pay thousands of dollars for a franchise fee and sign over their life, but not pay $350 bucks to make sure they don't sign over their house and all of their possessions. It's lunacy. But I see it every day.

Maximus - thank you also for showing me how unclear my message and benefits are. I agree much of my text needs to be dumbed-down as I remember when I purchased my first franchise - I knew absolutely nothing... about anything.

Thank you again.

Your welcome. As for hiring copywriters for squeeze pages, there are some copywriters who specialize in it. As for writing it yourself, I think your trying to hard, you need to cut out 90% of that copy, keep the strongest, most powerful, most compelling sales information and use ONLY your most powerful stuff.

I think you have some great proof elements you are not utilizing. I would put the testimonials and the awards, reviews, etc. Front and center. What other people say about you is Waay more important than what you say.

Personally I might try to just throw a customer testimonial up there as a headline and then lead in with that. The main thing is right now your boring people to death, add in as much drama and excitement as possible. Pretend your writing this copy as something for a sitcom that will be broadcast across the country, you would have to make it exciting, dramatic, interesting to keep people watching right?

So... do it that way. Make it like an exciting movie preview, except its about your product. Its a cardinal sin to be boring in copywriting. When you write, get enthusiastic, get excited, write as fast as you can, dont make it slow and laborious, make it exciting, get so excited about your product that you cant get the words onto the page fast enough.

The emotional state your in when you write is reflected when the copy is read. If your bored, the copy will be boring too.

For layout keep it really simple. Id go white on white with black headline in times new roman. Throw up some of those awards of yours, put some pictures of customers, etc. Just keep it simple, linear and straightforward. There should only ever be one possible thing your prospect can do next.

It should be A-B-C-D-E-F-G

Right now its A-CHUIHFEWKINBLKHBSFILUHBSEF

As far as copywriters go I dono who you would get to write squeeze pages for $200 a pop thats good. Maybe an up and coming copywriter who hasnt yet made a name for themselves. Id check with Vin and Harlan to see if any of their students would be good. Im sure Vin would look over the squeeze page of one of his students and make sure it was up to snuff so youd probably get a pretty good result.

[davemiz]

17% is pretty low.... I'm doing over 40%

[tyroneshum]

I can say the more PRODUCTS in there, the more it gets me confused of where to click through even though I'll know these information are all worth useful. It's better to focus on which product you could utilize the best with your targeted audience and offer them the value that they needed.

[prettyboy]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your squeeze page is not good. For starters there's no headline, no benefit to the reader, and provides no reason to take any kind of action. It's great that you're getting 17% conversions on your downloads...Just think how your conversions will soar once you have a proper or effective squeeze page in place.

[JohnMcCabe]

JR, I'm on my way out the door, so I'll just say a couple of things real quick...

Since this page is aimed a newbie potential franchisees, you may need to slip in some education as to WHY the stuff in your program is so important. Maybe a white paper as a backup response to the free download?

On the thumbnail, there may not be much you can do about the picture itself, so you might have to add a caption underneath it explaining what's there and instructing "just click the picture to exit gallery". Then add text overlays to the screenshots themselves, so the viewer knows what they're looking at. You might even make the sequence longer by adding in duplicate slides with additional points. Remember, you're talking to amateurs and wannabes at this point.

On the videos, again, you may need to add some text to tell what's in the video and why it's important. Maybe a 'what-if' type question? Arouse curiosity in the videos and let the viewer watch the ones that trip their trigger.

I think you may be falling into the same trap many product developers fall into. You know the product inside out, and you are a subject matter expert on top of it. You know why stuff is important and why knowing a certain feature or function is in the program is valuable.

Try to think back to before you bought your first franchise...

You likely didn't know what you didn't know. Maybe you picked up a copy of Entrepreneur magazine, or you went to a franchise show. Maybe you just thought the idea of leveraging an established brand sounded cool. Plunk down the fee, follow the manual and get rich, right?

Maybe you can focus less on every feature of the program, and more on what can happen with incomplete information or analysis. Stress, money troubles, bankruptcy, divorce, depression, who knows?

But for the price of a top-end dinner or a cheap getaway weekend, they can get your package and benefit from your experience, just like they hope to benefit from the franchiser's experience and knowledge. Not only that, but you're willing to let them check it out for free! Such a deal!

Remember, many of the people in your target market don't know what they don't know, and part of your job is to enlighten them.