Kindly review and select the best copy from these 2

[anwar001]

I want the feedback of expert copywriters here on warriorforum. Below are 2 versions of a sales copy, can you tell me which one is the best and most attractive. Is it copy 1 or copy 2?

I am just pasting very short snippets as I have yet to complete the whole sales page rewrite.

It would be better if you can state the reasons why one is better than the other. Your feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Here I go -

Copy 1:

Even if you don't have a creative bone in your body, it's now easier than ever to simply plug your sales message into a proven, red-hot professionally-written sales letter and get it delivered in a hurry to your customers and prospects…

…without paying one red cent to an expensive copywriter!

Imagine that in the period of time that it takes you to write out your monthly bills; you could instead whip out a powerful sales letter that will generate hundreds or thousands of dollars for your business.

Just think - no more cold-calling grunt work.

Instead you'll be sitting back, relaxed - savoring the thrill of having qualified, interested prospects contacting you - ready to give you money… instead of your competitors.


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Copy 2:

Even if there is not a creative bone in your body, you can now easily create red-hot, professionally written sales letter within fraction of the time it usually takes, and get it delivered to your customers and prospects fast…

…without spending one penny on an expensive copywriter!

Imagine whipping out a magnetic sales letter that can generate hundreds or thousands of dollars for your business, within the time period it usually takes you to write your monthly bills.

Just think – no more cold-calling grunt work again!

Imagine the pure pleasure of sitting back, totally relaxed – savoring the precious thrill of having qualified, interested prospects eagerly knocking on your door – ready to give you money… instead of your competitors.
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Can anybody share their opinions on the above 2 pieces. Thanks

[RickDuris]

hi anwar001,

I just find this thread so ironic and a bit of a giggle.

Here you are promoting an automated copywriting application and you're asking expensive copywriters to critique your copy. Luckily I have a sense of humor about such things.

To answer your question: In my opinion and sincerely, neither are very good.

Why? You're immediately trying to sell on logic. No emotion. No story. No personality. Nothing compelling or riveting.

Your results will be minimized either way you go.

That's the best I can offer right now. And even though you dissed "expensive copywriters," I hope to see you you do well.

- Rick Duris

[FredJones]

Sorry, but is this a fraction of the whole copy? Hope so!

If not, then how do I, the customer, align myself to your copy? Where is my story? Where did I see it reflect my emotions? Where is my benefit beyond some work getting "automatically done"?

If this is the whole copy then you may want to rewrite - just in my opinion.

[anwar001]

No, this is not the whole copy. It is just a tiny snippet of it. I wanted a feedback on the 2 versions.

[Raydal]

I'm kind of lost because I don't see enough difference between to
two sections of copy to make a sensible comment.

Are you playing with two different openings? What are you really
wondering about and want comments on? Why not post the
entire sales letters?

This is a puzzling request.

-Ray Edwards

[Loren Woirhaye]

I'm a little dubious of your positioning of the product as
something that spits out competition-crushing, red-hot
salesletter.

Purple prose aside, sales letter generators can relieve the
rookie of the torment of staring at a blank page. I would
position it as a creative tool, not as a brainless solution
for the utterly clueless.

I haven't looked at the letter in awhile but Yanik Silver
has a sales letter template-type product with a really
nice letter.

[Stephen Dean]

Gotta agree with Rick, I found it funny also.

Also agree with Ray, there's really little difference. What exactly are you trying to gather from our feedback?

Typically when testing you want to try two radically different approaches to see which works best and build from there. And I think it'd be more useful if you took that approach here as well.

Cheers,
Stephen Dean

PS I thought the first sample read a bit better than the second.

[Johnny12345]

As others have pointed out, both versions of your copy are so similar that it's rather pointless to try to figure out which one of them is "best."

But choosing the best version isn't your biggest problem...

There are several reasons why people don't buy. Chief among them is that they simply don't believe your claims.

And I think that's the real problem you're going to run into with either version of your copy.

You've made an extremely bold and difficult to believe claim. Do you have some form of strong proof to back it up?

If not, it won't matter which version you choose because your sales letter will "go bust."

Regards,

Johnny

[anwar001]

Thanks for the feedback of all the people here. I hadn't completed writing the full sales copy and just wanted feedback on which way to go.

However my mistake as I have now come to realize based on your comments is that I have presented 2 very similar copies to be critiqued. I should have written 2 vastly different ones and see which is the better approach.

So I will try out something else now.

[Al Robinson]

Might want to go with more a active than passive voice and tighten up the copy. As many of the others have said, you need to sell on emotion instead of logic.

Quick off the top of my head example:

Don't have a creative bone in your body? Well now it's easier than ever to turn your message into a proven, professionally written sales letter....without paying one red cent to an expensive copywriter!