I've worked a lot on this.. Critique if you can

[ovidiu]

Hey,
I didn't want to put up a sales letter right after I launched it because I wanted to adjust it as time passes. So I've gotten to a pretty decent (I would say) copy.
Conversions are pretty low I so please critique as hard as you can.

My main worry is that, not being a native speaker, that could hinder my sales.

What do you think?

My address is at bestylish.org/ebook

Thanks in advance!

[travlinguy]

Here's the link: Be Stylish! - What every man should know about how to look good

Nice effort. However, it needs a LOT of work. You start off saying, "In this style manual for men..." You're talking about a manual with no prior reference to any kind of manual. It's kinda confusing.

Start by defining a problem. That is, according to what I could gather, women like men who are into fashion. Okay. Develop that notion. Convince the reader it's true. Show him how fashionable guys get the babe. Once you've fleshed out that idea then introduce your manual and explain how even the lamest fashion geek can get hip FAST. Be convincing. Show some reformed geeks that are now fashion gods and getting all the chicks out there.

You've got a couple of boxes titled 'Case Study' but there's nothing of value mentioned by either of the guys you show. Here's one of the comments:

"Well, I took your advice and started changing my wardrobe. After a few months I can say I wear completely different clothes. Nice job writing this book!"

Pretty vague (he wears different clothes?) and does absolutely nothing to advance your cause. Same for this:

"I found a lot of information about fashion for women but nothing for guys. Us men need to take care of how we look just as much as women do. Right now I'm experimenting with clothes and I will let you know if I need help."

You also have a formatting problem. I'd go with complete left justification. Forget hitting the tab key at the start of each paragraph. Your layout is not appealing to the eye.

There's a lot more room for improvement but I'll let some of the others fill in some of the blanks. Good luck.

Oh, one other thing. Create a sig file for your Warrior profile and put the link in it.

[ovidiu]

Great advice! Thanks!

[Ashley Gable]

There are a lot of pictures.

Not that it was overly bad, but the thing about them was that are you sure that is what your target audience wants to look like?

I dont. But I may not be your target audience. The guys you had on their looked like models, not just stylish men.

Also, the "future powerful man" doesnt sound right to me. Its too much of a mouthful.

Ashley

P.S. What popup are you using? It is pretty nice!

[Ken_Caudill]

Women go crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

I don't think ZZ Top will sue you.

If I ran the circus...

I'd take the layout to a slick magazine look. Think GQ or Esquire. The whole thing is too sales letterish. You can cover the points you need to without the usual cluttered, hackneyed sales letterese. Just tell your story the best way you can. Then edit. Then edit again. Slick never sounds slick.



I'd say something about a business wardrobe, too. It might make a good bonus.

You have a good product idea. I wish you well on it.

Hope this helps.

[ovidiu]

AshleyAA: I'm more inclined towards casual style (to complement the seduction niche) so the pics are ok. Of course those guys who when they say "style" the just mean "suits" may not find this appealing. maybe a bonus lik Ken_Caudill suggested.

The popup is just something I made in photoshop. I'm no design expert, I just used a few filters. I can give you the .psd and the javascript if you want them.

Ken_Caudill: I think you're right, graphics can be improved a lot to give a more professional look, something closer to a men's magazine.

Thanks again! I've already changed some of the things travlinguy suggested and there's a lot more to come.

[RickDuris]

Hi ovidiu,

This is awful. While your premise is accurate, your delivery is less than adequate.

Let me share with you a better way...

"How to Be a Rock Star with the Ladies."

Anything less will sub-optimize.

The premise is you want women to "melt" when they see you at first glance. I've seen it happen. So I know it's true.

Think about that. And I wish you the best.

- Rick Duris


PS: One more thing: Subscribe to the magazine Gentleman's Quarterly (GQ) It will give you the phrasing and focus points you are looking for.

[ovidiu]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I'm working on improving this.

The funny thing is here in Romania I've sold a few hundred copies in both electronic and printed format.
Yep, I've printed the book in Romanian language, I've also been on local TV and wrote articles for big traffic sites here.
I didn't think selling on .com (or should I say .org) would be so difficult since Romanians have a clearly lower purchasing power.

[Ashley Gable]

Originally Posted by ovidiu

AshleyAA: I'm more inclined towards casual style (to complement the seduction niche) so the pics are ok. Of course those guys who when they say "style" the just mean "suits" may not find this appealing. maybe a bonus lik Ken_Caudill suggested.

The popup is just something I made in photoshop. I'm no design expert, I just used a few filters. I can give you the .psd and the javascript if you want them.

Yeah it does seem more casual with photos, but too many could interfere with the flow of the copy, or what it did to me, which was make it seem less credible, i dont know why it did, but it did.

I have used a script by Robert Plank which will "flip" between photos. As many as you want. Not only does it reduce the amount of space but also catches the eye.

Yeah your popup is real nice, I was wondering what actual script you are using, what makes it popup. Is that the javascript you mentioned? I dont have a clue when it comes to programming, thats why I buy Roberts stuff, its just copy and paste!

Ashley

[ovidiu]

Yes, it's a javascript. Not too complicated actually.

[NikNikAndCauliflower]

This is a very quick "pedestrian" (i.e. non-expert) observation, but:

"How to use my personal secret weapon that puts everyone on the defenses when you show up wearing it (you will FEEL how receptive they are when you first wear it). What is it? It's called a sports jacket (some people mistakenly call it a blazer which is not quite accurate. It's the perfect combination of class, style and boldness. If you're not using it, get one TODAY."

In my humble opinion... you SHOULDN'T be answering the question "What is it?"... they should have to buy your product to find out... Say something like "See page x" - instead of spilling the beans.

Also "on the defenses" is typically a negative thing (it basically means you're not comfortable around someone), so I'd re-phrase that bit...

Anyway, it looks like a good product... and I wish you success :-)

[ovidiu]

Thanks NikNikAndCauliflower, I've made the change.
I've changed the banner, the headline and I removed the 3 questions that were not performing.

It's starting to look better..

[colmodwyer]

George,

Your English seems fairly solid to me, it certainly doesn't appear to be your biggest problem.

Anyway, here are a few ideas / comments that might help conversion...

Header graphic is a waste of space - It's not doing much of anything for you in my opinion. I'd get rid. "Be Stylish" doesn't really mean much either. It's not an obvious benefit like "Be Irresistible to the Opposite Sex" is.

Keep it simple, stick to one big idea - At least until you get deeper into the promo, you should be specific about your offer here... what I mean is - talk about how "being stylish" helps you get girls, or get a job - but not both. So for me, the first 5 pages or so is all about how cheap clothes (or even your existing wardrobe), worn right helps you get the ladies! Then talk about that career, success in life stuff etc as additional benefits further into the sales letter.

Specificity equals believability - You need to build out your story here. You start out with "As I started to get good with women..." to me there's a big missing piece here... the beginning of the story? Give a specific example of how you were rejected by a woman first, agitate the problem, build empathy, rapport etc.

Plastic surgeon story is interesting - You should build this out more too, maybe find similar examples to show that confidence is the #1 reason for success of failure with the opposite sex... then get proof on how clothes in particular make you more confident.

These stock photos suck - Just my opinion, but these hipster looking guys are a real turn off. I imagine most men would hope they don't have to look like that (guy in green sweater, yeah!) to get the ladies.

Headline Ideas:

* How This $5 Scarf Transformed My Luck With The Ladies Overnight (See the unusual way I wear it below)

* This One Thing You Already Have In Your Wardrobe Could Make You [Benefits] (see how I made this shocking discovery below)

* Plastic Surgeon Discovers Real Reason Patients Get Laid More (Hint: It's got nothing to do with their new looks!)

* My Friends Called Me a "Fairy" When I Went Out Dressed Like This, But When I Went Home With TWO Girls That Night..."

Want to work on the wording, but I think something like above will make for a more compelling, high converting sales letter.

Colm

[waywardsister]

My thoughts, briefly...

"Women sleep with guys who are good looking or have lots of money. I've seen this in the clubs HUNDREDS of times, how the rich guy walks into the club with 5 hot women by his side."

Wow, this does NOT make your case. Don't talk about the rich guy...the guys reading your letter or buying your book know they can't compete with a dude flashing cash. I hazard a guess that the guys buying your book may not think they are the best looking fellow in the world either. Now they find out that us gals go home with guys who are either good looking, or rich...the two things that your prospects are not.

Haven't you ever seen a gal go home with an average looking guy, or a guy who really wasn't much to write home about...but he was really well put together, fashion-wise? Sure, he wasn't Brad Pitt...but he dressed well, was well groomed, and that gave him an edge.

Your readers want an edge. They want to know how to make the most (or more) out of what they've got. And hell, all they have to do is dress better...it's easy!

Here's what I want to know. What was your track record with women like before? What triggered you to the fact that dressing better would make you more attractive to women (maybe a female friend let a few secrets slip about what women really look at when they cruise guys)?

If I were a guy, I'd want to know that you were just like me, and that you successfully changed your luck with the ladies by doing the very things you're going to tell me about. And my bull-oney detector would be up, because I've probably read stuff about how to be better with women before and it hasn't worked. I want to know that hey, I'm not doing anything wrong, per se, there's nothing wrong with me...it's just this little piece of the puzzle that I'm missing, and it's pretty easy to fix. This is something I can really do that will make a difference.

I'd also (maybe) want to know that I'm not gonna look...well...gay if I dress better. I mean, I'd still look all, uh, manly and stuff, right? I don't have to wear skinny jeans, do I? Guys aren't gonna try and pick me up, are they? (hey...just going from what I know of some of my male friends when we've talked fashion. Right or wrong, some guys worry about this. Most of them have NOTHING to worry about of course, lol)

Just some thoughts off the top of my head.

Oh...the font is too big, and the pictures are too big, and of models. I know, I know...stock photos. If you can find more 'real guy' pics, that may be better. Also, do something to make the 'case studies' stand out (blockquotes, or something to separate them from body copy).

[ovidiu]

Thanks guys, I'll take each and every suggestion into consideration.

Regarding the photos. I'm mainly targeting PUAs and that's why i'm going for something more bold. Looking gay is indeed an objection and i'll take care of it.
Many guys who are in the pickup/dating game dress to stand out in order to get the girl. They do a lot of clubbing and, in places like those, nice clean-cut clothes just won't do it.

@waywardsister: My track record with women was not very good and it improved a lot since i changed my style. Obviously I'm not wearing ridiculous clothes but I try to be one point above everyone else (this depends on where you're going and who else will be there).

As far as my readers doing the most with what they've got... That's only partially possible. Probably more than half of the clothes the average Joe is wearing will have to go (think shirts versus t-shirts, stained clothes, clothes that are too big, ridiculous sweaters etc.)

@colmodwyer: Great headlines, thanks for those. I've just changed mine yesterday to:
"Former Geek Turned Fashion Consultant Reveals
How He Makes Hot Women Approach Him"

Again, I'm thinking more of attracting PUAs since there seems to be a lot of them and this is a great complimentary product.

Edit: what do you guys think of this one: blueprintdecoded.com ? It was my orginal inspiration for the first version of my sales letter.

[ovidiu]

There it is! - rewritten from scratch!

It looks way better.

let me know your thoughts: Men Style Book | Be Stylish! What every man should know about how to look good

Appreciate it,
Thanks.