How Effective Would This Headline Be

[nicholasb]

Tell me what you think of this headline

!!!Start!!!
/
Learn how to use technology and advanced internet marketing techniques to build a profitable home business that will send truckloads of residual income into your bank account helping others make money online with their hobbies.
\

!!! END !!!

I am working on lead capture page and I want it to be perfect and high converting Please critique this headline honestly and let me know how I can improve it and make it more effective

Thanks Warriors

[Eric Engel]

Is that a headline or a paragraph? A one sentence (very long sentence) paragraph.

Hey, if you can't say it in one breath, then maybe you should rewrite.

[write-stuff]

My humble opinion is that its about 3 times too long. And unless you really mean it, I'm not all hip on the "truckloads of income" claim. Like I said, just my opinion. Only worth what you make of it.

[Kevin Miller]

"Truckloads of income" does sound a bit hyperbolic...

And the headline really does need to be shortened.

[dorothydot]

I agree with everyone else. Wayyy too long - and you tend to use $50 words - when it's much better to use short, easily-understood words. Especially in a headline!

"Learn how to use technology and advanced internet marketing techniques to build a profitable home business that will send truckloads of residual income into your bank account helping others make money online with their hobbies."

My quick, off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts: Instead of Learn how to use technology and advanced internet marketing techniques... how about, Discover the magic of technology and high-level internet marketing secrets...

... to build a profitable home business -- how about, to create your own thriving home business. And, ...will send truckloads of residual income into your bank account -- could become, Filling your bank account poof! with the miracle of residual income.

And so on. You get the idea - the main object is to use words and images that your readers instantly understand.

I'd also ser-i-ously consider breaking this way-too-long sentence into one headline [with a single thought and a single benefit], leaving the rest as sub-head/s that could be sprinkled throughout your text.

Hope this helps,

Dot

PS - I'd also look at your text; the chances are that you could pare down your sentences there as well?

[erinwrites]

I agree with the others that it is waaaay too long. Think about the word headline Quick, easy and attention grabby. The body of your page is for explaining the opportunity.

[logosi]

yes, too loooonnnggg, but at least you've come to the right spot for a critique.

[zapseo]

major snooze.
time on page -- seconds before I'm outta there.
Specifics would help.
A unique angle, credibility, etc., would be cool.

[softtouch]

Yes it's too long and too complex.

This is probably better I hope you don't mind me playing :-0

"Powerful internet marketing techniques that build profitable home businesses and send truckloads of cash into your bank account"

Phil

[tommen]

That headline is way to long.Headlines starting with "How To", "7 Steps To" and similar usually grab my attention. "Truckloads of income" sounds cheesy and spammy.

[Alexa Smith]

Originally Posted by nicholasb

Learn how to use technology and advanced internet marketing techniques to build a profitable home business that will send truckloads of residual income into your bank account helping others make money online with their hobbies.

Much too long. Either divide it up, or cut words out, or both.

Let's see what you could cut:-

- "How to use": these words can go without losing any meaning at all

- "Technology and" is redundant: advanced internet marketing techniques are going to involve technology anyway, aren't they?

- "Advanced": can probably go, as well

- "Profitable" isn't needed if you're saying it sends truckloads of money

- "will send": could save a word by using "sends" instead

That leaves "Learn internet marketing techniques to build a home business that sends truckloads of residual income into your bank account helping others make money online with their hobbies". Well, it's still long and clumsy, but maybe slightly better?

Now let's try restructuring it into 2 sentences. You might even be able to put back one or two of the cut words without it being clumsy:-

"Build a home business that sends truckloads of residual income into your bank account. Learn advanced internet marketing techniques to help others make money online from their hobbies."

You could even try it with a colon (which I prefer) instead of a period:-

"Build a home business that sends truckloads of residual income into your bank account: learn advanced internet marketing techniques to help others make money online from their hobbies."

Well, work still needed, to be honest, but maybe starting to get there now?

(I don't think "truckloads" is necessarily bad at all.)

I like Dorothy's suggested "Discover the magic of" very much.

[JonathanBoettcher]

Hmm too long and I don't like the truckloads part... I know everyone is doing it, but it doesn't mean anything anymore. That's what everyone is claiming, and it comes off as cheapening to me..

/2 cents

[TianYan]

Your original headline:

Learn how to use technology and advanced internet marketing techniques to build a profitable home business that will send truckloads of residual income into your bank account helping others make money online with their hobbies.

Take note that you did not make the headline easy to read out loud. Now, not all people read their headlines vocally, but my observation is that even if they read it silently, they subvocalize the words in their head.

Think about it. If you see big, read headlines splashed across the screen, it is harder to skim through and you will read it in your head one word at a time.

First, I would use quotation marks. It helps them to subvocalize the headline better.

"Learn how to use technology and advanced internet marketing techniques to build a profitable home business that will send truckloads of residual income into your bank account helping others make money online with their hobbies."

Next, I will break it down into easy to vocalize chunks.

"Learn Advanced Internet Marketing Techniques To Build A Profitable Home Business That Gets Truckloads Of Residual Income Into Your Bank Account, Automatically

I also omitted sections of your headline that does not bring any self-serving benefit to the reader, such as "helping others make money online with their hobbies."

Change a few words in the headline...

"Discover 16 Advanced Internet Marketing Techniques
That Builds Your Profitable Home Business
And Brings Truckloads Of Residual Income
Into Your Bank Account, Automatically"

Notice I add specificity and some alliteration in to play here. I segment each thought into a new line as well.

Finally, if you are selling to, let's say unemployed home workers.

"Working From Paycheck To Paycheck?"

"Discover 16 Advanced Internet Marketing Techniques
That Builds Your Profitable Home Business
And Brings Truckloads Of Residual Income
Into Your Bank Account, Automatically..."

Let's add one more John Forde technique into headline.

"Working From Paycheck To Paycheck?"

"Discover Why Now You Can Immediately Use
16 Advanced Internet Marketing Techniques
That Builds Your Profitable Home Business
And Brings Truckloads Of Residual Income
Into Your Bank Account, Automatically..."

People are naturally skeptical. So you have to open
by telling who you are, and address the skepticism if
not overcome it.

Is this helpful for you?

Be Well,
- Tian Yan

[nicholasb]

Thank you everyone so much this is very helpful to me, I have been playing with different versions of this headline, trying to improve it with all of your helpful advice.

I will stick to internet marketing and leave copy writing to the experts,

[Matthew Moyer]

These are only my opinions below and the only real
answer to your challenge is to do split tests and
keep the best preforming tests.


I would first drop the word (Learn) from the headline.

Learn is like a bad word, people don't want to learn.
It's to much like school, and that's where you go to
learn and most people probably didn't like going
to school.

So the word (Learn) brings negative feelings that
are probably deep rooted.

Instead use words like (Discover) or (Uncover) or
(Revealed).

Sort of the same thing as the word Learn, don't say
(use technology). To many people think of themselves
as computer illiterate even if they aren't, and that
will make them back away and leave quickly.

Also saying (helping others make money online) is another
no no. Helping others doesn't usually seem like an
easy thing. People might not mind helping others except
they won't expect helping others to necesarily be easy.

It also doesn't help that if you trying to teach people
to make money that your telling them they are
going to be making money by helping others to make money.
Because if they aren't making money now it makes it
automatically unbelievable.

Then there is the truckloads part. When was the last
time you saw a truck dumping money off at a bank?
My guess is probably never, and that's the same
for probably ever single person who will ever read that
headline. It makes no connection, even if they are able
to see a picture of a truck at a bank in their head.

Since your trying to represent techniques of making money
and making lots of it connect with it a different way.

"Revealed - 3 Simple Techniques used by the Wealthiest
Online Marketers that You can use to deposit checks into
your Bank Account Daily"

That headline would be an okay start. It removes the
useless excess and tells them that what is being revealed
are the same techniques used by a wealthy group to
make them money everday.

Now obviously that must be adapted accordingly to make
it truthful.

If you could create a report to give freely on your lead
capture page it would also help invoke the law of reciprocity.

Now for the most important part. If you are really looking
for the highest converting page you can get all you have to
do is keep testing your headline and salescopy.

Start with your current headline then split test it against
some of the headlines presented by the others who posted.

Keep the ones that convert the best as your control and then
compare it with another test to a different headline or offer
or salespage copy.