I need some critique here!

[Sakkid]

I have created a sales copy for a new CB product, at Learn To Speak Kiswahili in The Fastest Time! which is the only one of its kind in the Languages category. it's located here and some views about the copy would be appreciate.

[04real]

Originally Posted by Sakkid

I have created a sales copy for a new CB product, at Learn To Speak Kiswahili in The Fastest Time! which is the only one of its kind in the Languages category. it's located here and some views about the copy would be appreciate.

I opened the page -- am still about to read the rest of the content but I think the top two headlines are a bit too red... I know that doesn't have anything to do with copywriting but it distracted me a little from reading the rest of the page.

It's a very interesting product. I've never heard of the "Kiswahili" language before so just the name of it makes me want to read more, so I think you should ease into your sales copy with a subtle looking headline. The name already catches people's attention so you don't have to try too hard with the large red font.

You should use something a bit more subtle in those two headlines. It almost yells out "warning" to me -- maybe just make the top headline as red or a different colour, and then the second headline as a strong/bold black colour font.

I'll go through the rest and send you more feedback.


JP

[Aleksejs Zuravlovs]

Originally Posted by Sakkid

I have created a sales copy for a new CB product, at Learn To Speak Kiswahili in The Fastest Time! which is the only one of its kind in the Languages category. it's located here and some views about the copy would be appreciate.

Great job Sakkid, unique product is really valuable thing! But I would like to point on some flaws.

1.) You need to re-do Your product box, it looks very unprofessional. Product looks (design and graphics of the box) are pretty important.

2. Why "client feedback" is repeated every time with each quote? Can You do Just one Title and give 3 feedbacks? And some borders around feedback would help. Like here for example Day Job Annihilation (first offer I found in my e-mail, not promoting this or anything) Looks much better.

3. Put Guarantee button just in the middle not in the left side, will be better, I'm sure.

4. You have few misspellings and errors there like "i" instead of "I", "llot".

5. And I think some red titles are ridiculously big and in "Your face". Maybe You should use a bit smaller size and add Italic to some quotes.

6. You can find more interesting bullets(those blue circles), that's minor thing but could help.

7. Also You could provide a free sample of audio lesson, short one.

I hope this helps.

[Warren.Richards]

Hey
I just wanted to say that the part where client feedbacks and reason for someone to read are put simultaneously doesn't keep me reading.

Rest you have done a great job.

Try using Johnson Box for your feedback.

One more thing. Don't forget to boldface all the benefits listed.

Also include P.S in your copy. Make your most important benefit your P.S.


Happy to Help

Warren.

[Aleksejs Zuravlovs]

Originally Posted by Warren.Richards

Hey
I just wanted to say that the part where client feedbacks and reason for someone to read are put simultaneously doesn't keep me reading.

Rest you have done a great job.

Try using Johnson Box for your feedback.

One more thing. Don't forget to boldface all the benefits listed.

Also include P.S in your copy. Make your most important benefit your P.S.


Happy to Help

Warren.

That's a good point! I forgot how important are p.s and p.p.s. People usually read them if they see those.

[Sakkid]

Originally Posted by 04real

I opened the page -- am still about to read the rest of the content but I think the top two headlines are a bit too red... I know that doesn't have anything to do with copywriting but it distracted me a little from reading the rest of the page.

It's a very interesting product. I've never heard of the "Kiswahili" language before so just the name of it makes me want to read more, so I think you should ease into your sales copy with a subtle looking headline. The name already catches people's attention so you don't have to try too hard with the large red font.

You should use something a bit more subtle in those two headlines. It almost yells out "warning" to me -- maybe just make the top headline as red or a different colour, and then the second headline as a strong/bold black colour font.

I'll go through the rest and send you more feedback.


JP

Thank you, i will proceed to work on the fonts and see the difference. Kiswahili is spoken by hundreds of millions of people in Africa. Some words like Safari, Simba, Malaika... are all derived from it. If President Obama had grown up with his father, he would most certainly be fluent at it right now.

[Sakkid]

Thank you guys. I wll be working on the various issues you have pointed out. I appreciate your views.

[Andrew Gould]

Hi,

First thing I'd do - before even looking at the copy again - is more market research.

Your page mentions the course could be for language enthusiasts, socializing or holiday makers. I'd find out exactly who is interested in learning, narrow it down as specifically as you can, and rewrite the page just for them.

If you find there's significant amounts of, for example holiday makers and business men wanting to learn the language, I'd create a page for each. If it's your product, maybe even create different versions of it for the different target markets.

Remember if you're not targeting the right people, or you're going after too broad a market, you'll find it very difficult to sell regardless of the quality of copy.

Hope this has given you something to think about.

[Vincenzo Oliva]

Doesn't grab your eyeballs or deliver immediate benefit. Too much white space, bring testimonials up. Should be more like:
"New Breakthrough Formula to Learn "Kiswahili" in Record Time. Quickly and Easily Learn This Beautiful Language and Amaze Your East African Friends"

"Click Below for Instant Access"

The primary driver benefit is the feeling of amazing people by what you've accomplished.

[ASCW]

"This Language arose from interactions between the Arabs who migrated into the east African Coastal regions, and the indigenous people. This interaction gave rise to the Swahili people who live along the Kenyan Coastal strip, Tanzania and Zanzibar, and speak Kiswahili. It grew into a language that is spoken by all the countries around that region including: Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, Zanzibar, Rwanda, Burundi and the Democratic Republic Of Congo."

Who cares? This is way to long and way to irrelevant. Rewrite completely.

Your headlines are way to big. I have to scroll down to get to the copy this is bad.

"Why Would You Want to Speak Kiswahili?"
You need to already know this before writing copy.

You talk way to much about your product and not nearly enough about how it solves your prospects problems.

[Sakkid]

Thanks people. I will be tweaking it sooner..

[Sakkid]

Originally Posted by ASCW

"This Language arose from interactions between the Arabs who migrated into the east African Coastal regions, and the indigenous people. This interaction gave rise to the Swahili people who live along the Kenyan Coastal strip, Tanzania and Zanzibar, and speak Kiswahili. It grew into a language that is spoken by all the countries around that region including: Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, Zanzibar, Rwanda, Burundi and the Democratic Republic Of Congo."

Who cares? This is way to long and way to irrelevant. Rewrite completely.

Your headlines are way to big. I have to scroll down to get to the copy this is bad.

"Why Would You Want to Speak Kiswahili?"
You need to already know this before writing copy.

You talk way to much about your product and not nearly enough about how it solves your prospects problems.

I thought anybody who wants to learn a language would certainly be curious about its origins too.... Maybe. Thanks, a lot.

[Aj Wilson]

Learn Kiswahili the Easy Way!
(yours, Times New Roman?).


Learn Kiswahili the Easy Way!
(Dark-red / Maroon, Tahoma).


Learn Kiswahili the Easy Way!
(Navy Blue, Tahoma).


I'd mix up the headline mate...

"How To Speak Kiswahili In Just
(Short time frame) Without, (big problem 1,
2 or 3) Guaranteed"

Try a different color, (That's easier on the eyes, yet still stands off the page).

I like Navy Blue or Maroon... but that's just me.

But like anything in copywriting mate...

only your true target audience will tell you what works,
so test, test, test and test some more.

all the best

- aj

[04real]

Originally Posted by Sakkid

Thank you, i will proceed to work on the fonts and see the difference. Kiswahili is spoken by hundreds of millions of people in Africa. Some words like Safari, Simba, Malaika... are all derived from it. If President Obama had grown up with his father, he would most certainly be fluent at it right now.

You're welcome!

I've contacted you via email (on your web site). I will send you some more feedback. Hope it helps!


JP

[Sakkid]

Originally Posted by Aj Wilson

Learn Kiswahili the Easy Way!
(yours, Times New Roman?).


Learn Kiswahili the Easy Way!
(Dark-red / Maroon, Tahoma).


Learn Kiswahili the Easy Way!
(Navy Blue, Tahoma).


I'd mix up the headline mate...

"How To Speak Kiswahili In Just
(Short time frame) Without, (big problem 1,
2 or 3) Guaranteed"

Try a different color, (That's easier on the eyes, yet still stands off the page).

I like Navy Blue or Maroon... but that's just me.

But like anything in copywriting mate...

only your true target audience will tell you what works,
so test, test, test and test some more.

all the best

- aj

Oh i see! That makes sense. I'll try it out.