Copy Review Needed for Adult-Orientated Niche (NOT Porn)

[Daniel Scott]

Hi guys,

I have been interested in copywriting for a while now. Although I have tried my best to get good at it I simply cannot write stuff that converts.

To this end I am trying to figure out what exactly I'm doing wrong that results in my products converting so poorly. You can see my most recent attempt at the following link:

.:Be Incredible In Bed. Anywhere, Anytime:.

That page is currently converting at about 0.4%, which is freakin' woeful. Nothing I have tried seems to be improving it though and I have no idea where else to turn on this one.

If you guys could give me some critiques on what you think sucks about it I would be very appreciative. I have already exhausted my usual contacts who all seem to be unsure of what exactly is causing it to convert so poorly.

To those of you who are going to reply - thankyou, thankyou, THANKYOU, and let me know if there is ever anything I and my meager talents can do for you.

Kind regards,

-Dan

[John_S]

Scanning through it seems to hit the standard points. However, this is a saturated niche. You have no Unique Selling Proposition. The testimonials, all first name only, might as well not be there for all the good they do.

You want testimonials from real people ...with pictures (of the men with their women). And that -- not stock photography -- should go into the header.

It always astounds me, with more cameras in existence than ever, nobody can take a picture. Take a picture of yourself. Put it up. Explain a little about yourself and why what you say is credible.

With high competition niches, your standards for acceptable copy must change. You can't just hit the points on the checklist and call it a day. Unique product. Unique position against competition. Credible credentials of who's giving this advice.

[Daniel Scott]

Hi John,

Thankyou very much for your response. I learned a LOT.

Regarding the testimonials, as I'm sure you can appreciate, not many people are happy putting up their photo of themselves regarding this sort of product. In fact most of them asked that only their first names be revealed. Having said that I will certainly take your point on board and try to procure these in the future.

Regarding my own photo, I'm pretty young (21). In such a case, do you still think putting up a photo is a good idea? Don't get me wrong, I know my stuff. But perception is everything, right? And I worry that people seeing me there (I look even younger than I actually am which doesn't help) will decrease sales instead of increase them. Worth a split test however I suppose.

Again, thanks heaps. This little nugget of information is something I have never come across before and it really, really has taught me something!

Kind regards,

-Dan

[Loren Woirhaye]

First off you insult your reader by telling his his sex
life sucks. That's a negative frame. Just because somebody
is looking to learn some new things doesn't mean
his life sucks.

Also the bondage goddess looks like she could be a
transvestite. I'm reminded of Tim Curry in the "Rocky
Horror Picture Show".

Your headline is over-written I think. Don't you think
you could say the same thing in less than 10 words -
without slashing the reader's eyeballs with a sea of
red? The red part isn't visually connected to the
message in the header - so it starts as a dangling
run-on sentence.

A simple headline like "OOOOooh!" could be more
effective than the bloated headline you have here.

[John_S]

In such a case, do you still think putting up a photo is a good idea?

You're of legal age, so yes. (It's not a bad idea in this case to caption the photo with your age) However, understanding your particular situation I'd modify my suggestion to a photo of you and a couple of girlfriends of varied ages. Or, you could also lead with a photo testimonial, you on a local talk show, and there are other options for building credibility regardless of just about any situation.

[George Montagu Brown]

I think that your headline is way too long.
That assault of red text really pushed me away, how long are visitors spending on your page on average?

[Daniel Scott]

Hi John,

Average time is about 50 seconds.

Does anyone have any tips for writing better headlines? Clearly it's an important part of the copy, and even more clearly it's not one of my strong points, to put it mildly.

Does anyone have any suggestions for something they would deem a little more appropriate?

-Dan

P.S. George, I checked out your page and was very impressed with your copy. Added it to my swipe file. Not sure if you wrote it but if you did then I think it's fantastic! Not that my opinion really means much when it comes to copywriting. But I just thought I'd mention it.

[Michael G Perry]

Dan,

You are 85% of the way there... You are selling this to a mass market consumer; correct...

Here is my take ... Dump the hooker/dancer/she looks to provacative..


Most guys really don't really want the hooker they really want a Hottie in bed; you know that mate.

Now your image of the couple on the book would serve much better on mast head as you have it without the hooker.. See men want sex; but they need a relationship (that's one disconnet I see in this copy); that only my opinion.

Friend, your headline line is too long (get to the point - the big promise - mate)... I used to do this in my early days.. you want to say a lot.. but you just need to say the following:

Here is the rewrite suggestion:

Learn The Real Secrets On How to Give Any Woman The Most Incredible Orgasms She Will Ever Have in Her Life – Guaranteed!

These Shocking Secrets Will Change What You Thought You Knew About Sex and 97% of The Woman You Come In Contact With Will Quiver With Excitement Because They Know What’s Coming.

If your sex life isn't as exciting as you would like it to be, or your relationship has lost some of its "spark", then read on to learn more about some extremely simple changes you can make starting right now.