Marketing to Women Headline Critique

[Tierra]

Removing post, thank you for all of your help...

[John_S]

I wouldn't say abstract, my word would be vague.

Where, pray tell does the reader learn you specialize in targeting women with your services? What if you talked about the trillions in purchases controlled or influenced by women instead of "the economy"?

When is a company committing one or more of the 7 sins of marketing to women?

The word abstraction holds out some promise that the erudite reader would infer the true benefit. Let me disabuse you of that notion.

[Anita Ashland]

Hi Tierra,

First, I recommend that you read Sean D'Souza's article about headlines: Are Your Headlines Missing These Precise Psychological Triggers? He talks about the 3 psychological triggers a headline should have.

Try to ask a question in your headline, arouse curiosity, use the words "how to." You'll need to test headlines to find out what is most effective.

I'd ditch the "cut-throat" phrase. Rather than hyperbole like that focus on making the prospect curious and dying to found out more.

Good luck.

[Tierra]

Originally Posted by John_S

Where, pray tell does the reader learn you specialize in targeting women with your services? What if you talked about the trillions in purchases controlled or influenced by women instead of "the economy"?

Hi John,

Thanks so much for your helpful feedback. Would you be talking about the trillions in itemized purchases (computer technology, automobiles, real estate, etc.) specifically or simply purchases? Thanks for your help

[Tierra]

Thanks Anita, that resource is great, it's amazing what you can learn from articles. I really appreciate it!

[Nick Doyle]

Hi Tierra

Yeah they are right. A lot of your headlines are a bit awkward to read and don't flow very smoothly. I recommend you look at some of the other great Headline writers out there and use them as examples.

I could help you with some of these headlines but that doesn't really solve the problem. What you'll find is that a lot of the great headlines have been swiped and swiped again, so what I suggest you do is write down 50 headlines each ... and then narrow it down to 5 and then settle on 1.

And don't forget to split-test with google's website optimizer

[Dan Safkow]

Hi Tierra,

I think "profit ramping" is an awkward phrase. How about "profit building". Also consider "share" instead of "stake".

Best wishes,

Dan Safkow

[Tierra]

Thanks Nick and Dan I really appreciate your help!

[IowaGal]

Originally Posted by Tierra

Hi Fellow Warriors,

My name is Tierra Filhiol and I'm a new Warrior. I specialize in Marketing and Copywriting Services targeted toward women. I am in the process of creating a self-promotional landing page and would really appreciate a headline and subheadline critique. My targets are business owners and emerging growth entrepreneurs. I was advised by a great fellow warrior that they were too wordy and abstract but I have not changed them yet and wondered if there is anything else wrong with the headlines.

WARNING: If you're not leveraging the influential buying power of this $5 trillion dollar economy, your business WILL fail in the next 4 years! It’s time to enlist...

Cut-Throat Woman Marketer, Copywriter & Consumer Leaks Profit Ramping Secrets on How to Multiply Your Stake in the Most Powerful Economy in the World

You won’t believe what I’ll reveal about the 51% of the population that makes or influences OVER 80% of all consumer goods…and I’m not just talking about Tupperware® and pantyhose!


Discover the truth about what brands women will really buy and how you can become their #1 recommended choice.

I really appreciate all of your time and consideration, and thank you in advance.

Tierra

Hi Tierra -
I agree with what a few said about the flow of the copy; I had to go back and re-read some of what you wrote because it just wasn't clicking with me.

Second, I remember reading some advice from Frank Kern (I'm pretty sure that's who said this) who said (or who heard it from someone else):

"Write as though you're speaking to Homer Simpson."

Hope that helps.

[Tierra]

Removing Post thank you for your help!

[Tierra]

Originally Posted by IowaGal

Hi Tierra -

"Write as though you're speaking to Homer Simpson."

I love it, it definitely adds some focus! I appreciate it!

[grahamg4]

Hi Tierra

I read a lot of the forum and really never post but decided it is time to start. I've realized that it doesn't matter how great the product if the headline fails. I realize that I need to learn good headlines from bad ones.


I agree with the others regarding your first set. I had to read more than once and a prospect probably won't attempt a second time. I read somewhere that you should write at a 10 yr old level and that goes along with IowaGal's Homer Simpson reference. I think the reason is that in ones chosen field they understand the jargon but, once out of that comfort zone they have no clue and therfore want it presented in the easiest manner possible. I work in Corp America where more big words and confusing sentences are created daily. It is like a contest to see who can say as much as possible that can't be understood by anyone.

Anyway, I personally think your second headlines are much better.

Al

[Loren Woirhaye]

"Cut-Throat Woman Marketer, Copywriter & Consumer Leaks Profit Ramping Secrets on How to Multiply Your Stake in the Most Powerful Economy in the World"

UGHH!

You sound like a thug. very unpleasant imagery. Also the use of
leaks brings to mind diarhea leaking from a diaper.

Thoroughly distasteful.

[Tierra]

Anarchy, thanks so much for the constructive criticism, I really appreciate and will take your comments into consideration. Loren, FYI I am a thug...you don't know me! JK, though you could have approached me a little less rude, I appreciate and understand the criticism!

[Omar Khafagy]

You sound like a thug. very unpleasant imagery. Also the use of
leaks brings to mind diarhea leaking from a diaper.

Really? Diarrhea leaking from a diaper is what comes to mind when you hear "leak"?

I think a leaky faucet, or taking a leak, but diarrhea diapers? Are you sure that's what you're going with?

[Loren Woirhaye]

Well, yeah it's the first thing that leapt to mind. The headline
already established an unpleasant frame implying bodily fluids
so I guess that's where it came from. I suppose leaking
menstrual fluid could apply too - after all, you've already
got me visualizing women and blood.

You just go ahead with all this gangsta marketing and
let us all know if it gets you where you want to go. Ok?

[Omar Khafagy]

It works for some, it doesn't work for others. She's here to get a critique and improve herself. Everyone else seems to have done a decent job of posting a good critique without resorting to capitalized onomatopoeia and descriptions of soggy, leaky diapers.

Man, and people said the critiques at the copywritersboard were nasty? Yikes.

[Deji]

Tierra,I'll suggest that you go to Clayton Makepeace site and download the free report "The Screaming Eagle".Also get a copy of Micheal Kimble's ebook "Magnetic Salesletters".They are both very good ebooks.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Omar, I'm not a bad guy and I don't want to battle
with you or have any of the kind of underhanded
elbows-out one-upsmanship we saw on Michel
Fortin's board here... and I'm concerned that we
will see a rehash of the same sort of clever,
subtle put-downs we saw there.

I try to help people. I'm not mean. The headline
startled me with the vulgarity of the visual.

It seems I've stuck my foot in my mouth - opened
myself up to being labeled myself - as somebody
who creates a problem where there isn't one.
I've seen that happen a lot on forums. It's a cost
of being outspoken sometimes that others will leap
to conclusions about your personality or motives.

I used to be a vulgar person myself. Then I grew up and
started to see how not to go around turning people off

The headline is a turnoff to me and would be to a lot
of other people as well.

[Omar Khafagy]

Loren,

I don't think you're a bad guy, I just thought that you needed to take a closer look at what you said, and it seems you've done that... We all make mistakes, but you wouldn't have necessarily known if someone didn't point it out to you... Cool thing about communities, they push you back on path if you ever stray from it.

All the best man =)

[Canada]

@Anarchy

I know that your copy is aimed toward male prospects, but I hope you don't think women in general are incapable of making sound purchase decisions based on logic.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Another thing I just figured out:

"Cut-throat" is a THEM word. Use it to describe a common
enemy, not yourself. ie "those cut-throat wall-street big shots
raided your 401K to line their own fat wallets."

That's my view. I also disagree with copywriters calling themselves
"killer" though I think it's okay (if cliched) to call the writing "killer".
I think anything that implies you will maim or hurt your clients is
not such a good strategy.

Let's look at Sarah Palin: somebody positioned herself as a
"pitbull with lipstick", which got a lot of people rooting for her.
She could have called herself a "rifle-packin' momma" or something
but that's too close to the truth about her hobby of killing things.
The pitbull with lipstick thing is a juxtaposition - it's a funny image
that disarms the reality - Pitbulls can be very dangerous dogs. That was
marketing mastery at work because it made people create a
cartoon-like association - a positive image of Palin as tough and
protective and yet nurturing and female.

[Collette]

Tierra - Your OP and your headline suggest that you haven't clarified your target market.

Your OP says "I specialize in Marketing and Copywriting Services targeted toward women. My targets are business owners and emerging growth entrepreneurs."

Those sentences suggest that you are targeting your services towards women-owned businesses (not a bad market to tap, BTW).

However, your headline suggests that you are targeting businesses that want to market to, or are already marketing to, women.

Either way, you are looking at a very specific niche market. So you first need to define precisely what that niche IS. And your OP and your headline suggest that the distinction is somewhat fuzzy at the moment.

When you've clarified precisely WHO you're speaking to, you can begin to address THEIR need - something else you haven't identified in your headline.

For example, does your prospect even know they HAVE a need? Are they already marketing successfully to women (and want to increase their success)?

Or have they never even realized they're missing out on a $5 trillion market (and you're about to enlighten them)?

Or have they been trying to market to women and are failing miserably (and you're going to solve that problem for them)?

Depending on the answer, the headlines would be very different.

As for the wording, start simply. Just state clearly who the prospect is and what the benefit you're offering is.

Use simple, unemotional words to get the essence of the offer on paper. Every time you think you're done, read it again and ask "So what? Why should I care?". Put yourself in the mind of your target prospect and look at your headline through his eyes. Give him a reason to care.

Now edit your copy. Ruthlessly. How many words can you cut out, without losing the clarity? Cut, cut, and cut again.

When your headline is as lean as it can get, polish and shine the headline by adding the words you need to hit the emotional hot buttons.

BTW: generically, your second headline is much better than your first.

[Collette]

Originally Posted by AnarchyAds

...I do however suggest that on average, the majority of purchases
made by women are absolutely illogical, foolish wastes of money...

About as illogical as the purchase of a new set of hubcaps, a second cordless drill, a $5,000 riding mower to care for an average suburban lawn, or a 65" TV.

The majority of such purchases are made by men. To many women, these may appear to be absolutely illogical, foolish wastes of money.

In fact, what may appear a foolish purchase is usually a matter of not comprehending the psychological drivers behind the purchasing decisions people make. Most people geniunely believe that the majority of their purchasing decisions are made for very logical reasons.

So before you dismiss female consumers (or any consumer prospects, for that matter) with such condescension, remember something David Oglivy once said:

"The customer is not an idiot. She is your wife."

David Oglivy was a wise man.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Statistically I think I recall reading in "Think Pink" that
riding lawnmowers purchases are female-driven the
majority of the time.

[Abigail Beal]

Sitting here reading all of these critiques, I'm wondering why no one has mentioned the Tupperware. I don't know.....maybe it is just me and my lack of cooking, my age, something like that. But the Tupperware and pantyhose line seems to speak about a quaint generation of women, like from the 1950's or something. Why not fast-forward that sentence into current trends more with Manolos (did I spell that shoe right?) or Prada or something like that. The Tupperware and pantyhose are also very low-end, inexpensive purchases. Maybe make one of the items an expensive purchase and the other be the panythose? Am I overthinking this?

I feel the comment about Tupperware and pantyhose somehow makes it seem like that's all women buy. Or am I missing something? Are you trying to stay that that's NOT all women buy today?

I agree with what Anarchy says about your copy. But I thought I'd make the suggestions about Tupperware........... lol