Critique my short "referral" letter (my first copywriting attempt)

[copious]

Hey everyone! I've been studying copywriting for a little while, but have never actually written any sales letters until now. To gain practice, I'm helping a friend write a referral letter for her driving school. I always thought "the more you tell, the more you sell" but she wants a SHORT letter, and it's on a subject I've never seen covered before. As a result,I think it breaks many of the cardinal rules of copywriting. Am I totally off the mark on this? I would really appreciate any and all comments, criticism or feedback on this:

Dear Past Gradutes of xxxxx Driving School:

I’d like to give you a $20 Gas Card! There’s just one catch: I need you to refer a friend or relative to xxxxx Driving School, and I will give you a $20 gas card for each new person who registers. So, if you refer 5 new people, you get $100 in FREE GAS! Just have them mention your name when they register. Or better yet, come in with that person and say “Hi” and I will give you the $20 gas card right away! (Please note that the person you refer cannot already be registered with xxxxx Driving School – it must be a new registration).

I would like to take this time to personally THANK all of you who have helped spread the word about xxxxx Driving School over the last 5 years. You’ve helped make xxxxx Driving School a well-known and trusted name here in (name of city). For that I am truly grateful.

Thank you!


xxxxx of
xxxxx Driving School

I've left the name of the driving school and the city blank so as not to try and "plug" the business here. The idea behind this letter is that it is to be short and sweet, and sound like a real person speaking. She's going to print and mail this letter through snail mail. Thank you in advance for any and all suggestions!

[Loren Woirhaye]

That's not too bad. You have a simple offer
and you make it clearly.

You might want to read the brief old book by
Louis Victor Eytinge at:

Louis Victor Eytinge (Open Library)

He was imprisoned for murder and taught himself
to write copy. His book is pretty remarkable and
few people know of it anymore. It's not about his
criminal past but I think his experience on the rough
side of life gave gave him an uncommon insight and
also compassionate empathy for other people...
which might surprise you. Reading the little book will
definitely give you some ideas to make a better
letter for the driving school.

[travlinguy]

All the big name pros pretty much say the length of your piece should be as long as it needs to be to effective. That might be 30 pages or two paragraphs. As Loren has said, you've done a good job with what you've written.

[kittyluver]

This letter clearly implies that the things you're offering to the customers. I think you've become a perfect copy writer. ALL THE BEST!!!

[copious]

Wow, thanks for all of the positive feedback! I'm glad to hear that even a short letter can be OK, and my first real attempt at copywriting at that!

Loren, thanks for the link to "Writing Business Letters Which Get The Business." I love reading those old forgotten classics, and this is one I've never read yet. I'll read it and see what kind of tweaks I can make to my letter (I may not be able to post anything here until tomorrow though).

Thanks again for all of the feedback!