Could You CRITIQUE my first ever SALES PAGE

17 replies
Hi. Could you critique my first ever SALES PAGE.

I am working on the EBook now...but I want to make sure that the sales page is good! Thanks Warriors. And have a happy new year and all the best to you and your familys!

SALES PAGE = http://eslclassroomgames.com
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Mike Hlatky
    2 Things I noticed right off the bat.

    1. It took a while to load. Don't know if it is just me, but it took a few seconds.

    2. It is GIGANTIC and in my face. I don't know if I like that.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ralph Moore
    I am just curious. What does the ESL stand for?
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    • Profile picture of the author PhoebeSmellyCat
      Originally Posted by eagle View Post

      I am just curious. What does the ESL stand for?
      I think it's English as a Second Language
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      • Profile picture of the author PhoebeSmellyCat
        I ditto what Mike said. It kind of scared me...

        And you may want to take a note of Ralph's (eagle) question and mention early on what ESL is.
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  • Profile picture of the author TimG
    The load time is way too long and as previously mentioned it is in your face. I would prefer the video to be much smaller so I could see more of what you are offering in my initial screen without having to scroll down.

    Most of your images are to big in my opinion and you may have to many.

    Looks like you still have a lot of work to do at the bottom of the page as there are tons of unfinished bullets and testimonials unless those are just place markers.

    Respectfully,
    Tim
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    • Profile picture of the author Phillip King
      I kinda agree with the above, you need to explain what ESL is, also the whole site just kinda jumps out at you. Also do a little proof reading and spell checking.

      Other than a few tweeks, think you are definitely on the right track.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jay_Selders
      I would consider hosting your video somewhere other than youtube. Find a player and host it yourself. JWPlayer and Flowplayer are good options.
      Also, some of your images are too big, or just unnecessary. This makes your site look unprofessional and the load time can make up to a minute on some connections.
      Also your header doesn't seem to go with the theme of your ecovers, so I would try to make a new header.

      Otherwise it looks like a good start. I see it's far from finished so repost it when you are near completion.

      Cheers.
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      • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
        Your main copy/offer is buried way down...

        "If you want to become a better teacher..."
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  • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
    I'm not sure I agree with the idea that you need to explain what ESL is. I'm pretty sure anyone who would have any interest in your product would already know that.

    But I have NO idea, whatsoever, what your angle is here. I have no idea what you're offering, and I have no idea who you're targeting.

    eslclassroomgames.com sounds, for the life of me, like some kind of teacher's aid. Learn how to be more effective as an ESL teacher by employing games in the classroom, that sort of thing.

    But right off the bat, you're hitting me with...

    "Stop making your boss rich while you get nothing!"

    ...which to me, is like straight out of get-rich-quick marketing. No idea what that has to do with ESL, much less ESL games.

    I have no idea why every image I see is directing me to some other website.

    I have no idea why this product will help me if I'm tired of being underpaid and overworked...isn't this a set of suggestions that give me something MORE to work on?

    How to make more money?

    How to be your own boss?

    How to negotiate?

    And then, without warning, we're into "what else I'll get with OptimizePress?" Squeeze page building? Ipad compatibility?

    This thing is a freaking train wreck from a structure and continuity standpoint.



    On top of all of that, you're talking to people teaching the English language professionally, while the whole first half of your letter is riddled with grammatical and usage errors so egregious that I might think it was google translated from a Mongolian manuscript.

    I think the obvious step here is to hire a professional...even a cheap one...to write this thing from scratch.

    But failing that, at least hire a competent article writer to go through it and polish up the grammar, spelling, etc., then start working on the sales issues yourself.

    Good luck with it, but I think you've got a long ways to go.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      Slooooow loading
      too much big, bold text
      centered text is hard to read
      video too big

      This ESL Games Ebook will help you change from the ESL teacher that you are now into the ESL Teacher of the year! ......be dramatically and quickly establish yourself as an excellent teacher who is deserving of increase salary, increased amount of respect, increased amount of responsibility and increase amount of fame from everyone in your school and the parents of the students which you teach.

      If you are ready to take a small amount of time to learn how the best and highest paid ESL teachers run a class (and just by you being at this website says to me that you are interested and motivated to learn and grow as a teacher!), then this is the springboard which you have been looking for. And we are thrilled to know that we can help you become a better ESL teacher through the use of this Ebook and related videos inside! Good Luck!
      Bolded words are a few of the problem areas. That's from a first quick reading. Problem is the topic - if you are teaching "how to teach ESL", it should be written in proper "E".

      In the first paragraph - a sentence has 50 words. In the second paragraph, there are 85 words in ONE sentence.

      How will it help them change - what is included - what areas are covered...think bullet points and details...and short sentences. Cohesive fonts - left side alignment of text, etc.

      And the above doesn't get into the copywriting - just the basics of what you have so far.

      kay
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    • Profile picture of the author ago
      Originally Posted by Oxbloom View Post



      .... that I might think it was google translated from a Mongolian manuscript...
      Oh gosh, That's funny...
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    1. Optimize the graphics. The page loads WAY too slow.
    2. Explain up front what ESL means. Only then can you use the acronym as you proceed.
    3. Hire a copywriter as there is really no rhyme or reason to your process.
    4. Hire a Web designer. The page comes across very amateurish.
    5. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author PhoebeSmellyCat
      After looking through your site, I have to agree with the others regarding spelling, grammar and sentence structure.

      I'm guessing that English is your second language?

      If you are serious about building this, please do hire a professional. No offense meant but if you want people to take your ESL course seriously, you need to take English seriously.

      P.S. - there are way too many fonts and sizes. It makes me dizzy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    I could critique this page, but I'm not going to. Why? Not because I'm mean, but because it won't do you any good.

    This page needs to be re-done *professionally* from the ground up. Please don't be offended by that - it's just a business fact. A free critique here on WF isn't going to be comprehensive enough to help you. You need to hire someone for a pro critique and/or rewrite. You're looking at a bare minimum of a three-figure job here, if you want to end up with something that sells at its full potential. And that's cheap.

    Best of luck and thanks for sharing this page with us.
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  • Profile picture of the author scrofford
    Originally Posted by GoogleWarrior View Post

    Hi. Could you critique my first ever SALES PAGE.

    I am working on the EBook now...but I want to make sure that the sales page is good! Thanks Warriors. And have a happy new year and all the best to you and your familys!

    SALES PAGE = ESL CLASSROOM GAMES
    First off, Your headline is very weak...A headline should be the best benefit your product has to offer.

    Second...your subheadline is basically non existent.

    Third, who are you? why should I keep reading if I don't even know who you are?

    There is so much wrong with this sales letter that I would seek out a professional copywriter to write your letter for you. I'm not trying to be mean or anything...as a matter of fact I applaud the action you have taken, but if you don't know how to write sales copy, you need to hire a pro or learn.

    At any rate, don't give up...just get some help. hope that helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author mead
    * Headline looks scary
    * There is no message or value proposition on the initial load
    * Grammar needs fixing
    * Fonts are all over the place
    * Page took too long to load
    * Images don't assist in the sale
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  • Profile picture of the author centarec
    The guy in the video I can see on every second product that is posted for critique in this forum Strange I bet he makes a lot of money
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