Think you've got copywriting chops - how would you improve this?

[Rezbi]

It's pretty simple and straightforward but can you improve it? Keep in mind I'm not asking for a critique.

Also, so you know, it's not mine:

The Mobile Phone That Makes It Easier To Socialise

If you use Facebook, Skype, Windows Live Messenger, among many other social sites... this is the ideal phone for you.

The INQ¹ is not just any old web phone - It's designed to keep you in touch with others.

I've had this phone for just under a year and it's worked great. Couldn't be happier (Unless someone left me a few million in their will).

If it's so good, why am I selling it?

Good question.

I just got a new phone and I don't need this one any more. It's really that simple.

The phone you're bidding on is in perfect working order.

However, I feel compelled to let you know that there are a few scratches, both on the case and the screen. But it doesn't affect the use of the phone in any way.

Also, as it has been used, the standby is approximately one day and talk time is about one hour of continuous use. It has 50MB internal memory and comes with a 3.2 Megapixel Camera.

Please keep those things in mind when you bid. I think you'll find it's a small price to pay for such a great phone.

Go and check it out yourself and I think you'll agree.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention... here's what you get when you win the bid on this phone:

INQ¹ Social Phone (Black) on the 3 network
Charger
Earpiece
Battery
USB cable with driver CD
Manual on how to use all the functions of the phone.

And they all come in the original box.

Just so you know, this phone is currently going on Amazon for £80.00 on pay as you go.

One last thing: Please check the description properly as I will not accept any returns.

As soon I get payment I will send the item by Special Delivery - That means it's tracked and you get it by noon the next day, guaranteed.

There's no reserve, so happy bidding.

UK BIDDERS ONLY PLEASE - I WILL NOT SEND THIS ITEM OVERSEAS.

[Rezbi]

I don't get it: Usually there's a flurry of people trying to show what they're made of.

No suggestions on this one?

Stumped?

[Alex Cohen]

Oh, okay, I'll play.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Mobile Phone That Wipes Your Butt

If you use the toilet… at work, at school or at the shopping mall... this is the ideal phone for you.

The POOP¹ is not just any old crap phone... it's designed to free you from the need for toilet paper when you do a “number two”... wherever you are.

I've had this phone for just under a year and it's worked great. Couldn't be happier (unless of course I had a personal butler to wipe me).

If it's so good, why am I selling it?

Good question.

I just got a colostomy and I don't need it any more. It's really that simple.

<snip>

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LOL

Alex

[Ross James]

Yeah, Alex has it. You can polish a turd but at the end of the day it's still a turd!

-Ross

[virginiad]

Much too wordy

[Scott Murdaugh]

For an average guy selling the phone on ebay I think it's fine.

I don't get the social media hook in the headline, but whatever.

There are some things you really don't need much copy to sell. A used cell phone is a good example...

They want to know what model, the specs, and how much. That's all they need.

The scratches on the screen is just the guy being honest, and someone looking for a good deal on a cheap phone will respect that.

But we're talking about probably a $20 used phone on Ebay here. You could bring in a team of a-list copywriters to create the ad, split test them like crazy, and chances are you're still only getting $20 (or whatever it's worth on the open market) for the phone.

It is what it is.

Example of great copy? No.

Good enough to sell a cellphone on ebay? Probably.

Could a pro improve it? Yes, but we're not talking a big enough difference in response to matter.

-Scott

[The Copy Nazi]

This phone has a history

The first day I got this phone some ding-a-ling rang me and said

"That you Harry?"

ah no...you have the wrong number

"I know it's you Harry and I'm coming over to sort you out"

Pardon? Look I'm not Harry. You have the wrong number.

"I've got your dog Harry. Hear this" (sound of dog being hit and yelping in pain)

Listen...I don't know who you are but I'm not the person you're looking for and I really don't think...

Sound of gun going off

That shook me up. I mean really freaked me out. And I was worried about the guy having my number.

A week goes by. The phone rings. You know what's coming next don't you? No it's not the dog-killer. It's a girl. She purrs "Harry darling...."

Look this is not Harry. I've only had this phone for a week. I've no idea who Harry is. You have the wrong number.

"That's all right sweetie...I understand...you can't talk...listen I left that money for you"

What money? Look I'm not who you think I am. You have the wrong number.

"That's cool...you know the big oak by the lake - on The Serpentine? Where we met last time? I left it there. You just have to reach inside the trunk. It's not all there - I'm short 10k but there's 25k there ok? Gotta run. Thanks Harry" (Click)

So what would you do huh? Yeah I went to the lake. Now I just want to get rid of this bloody phone. But I figure the next 10k will be coming due soon. Or maybe not. Who knows? But all I want is Fifty Quid for this almost new phone.

It's a INQ¹ Social Phone (Black) on the 3 network
Charger
Earpiece
Battery
USB cable with driver CD
Manual on how to use all the functions of the phone.

And it's in the original box.

You can keep the 10k. Deal?

p.s. if the dog-killer calls tell him I've emigrated to Australia.

[reapr]

I have sold thousands of items on eBay and also as an affiliate.

I think I would do the headline ....

>The Mobile Cell Phone that Doesn't Suck!

People will be a bit more curious as to why ...

That way you can talk about the phone and get more clicks to the actual ad. Nobody wants a phone that sucks either way they will likely be curious as to why and check out the ad.

It would also be a good idea to get rid of I, I, I me me me I I I and talk more in terms of the phone and what it can do for its new owner.

Get rid of just under a year and mention from the actual dates ... A phone a year old! Several months may be better.

If the phone comes with a lot of accessories or was a special package that came with the works I would try.

> The Mobile Cell Phone that Doesn't Suck! - Comes Loaded!

Otherwise the ad is fine for just a typical eBay ad.

[ewenmack]

The Famous Phone

Oh those were the days, snapping the stars
while, drunk, disorderly and dangerous to their reputation.

This one is of David Beckham in the toilets with that tart who use to be the hired hand.

MY, my, Posh wasn't lady-like when she saw those photos. "Wash out your mouth with soap Victoria!"

Blah blah blah

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a case of riding celebrity.

A handbag picked up in a bar by an All Black rugby player,
was used to slap his teammate.

The story broke out into the newspapers.

Owner of plain label handbag auctions it online and it sells
many, many times more than the new replacement cost.

All by telling the handbag was part of a history making story.

Make up a story that your phone was part of celebrity history making.

All the best,
Ewen

[Johnny12345]

The INQ¹ is not just any old web phone - It's designed to keep you in touch with others.

I must be confused. Isn't that what ALL phones are designed to do?

John

[David Babineau]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

This phone has a history

The first day I got this phone some ding-a-ling rang me and said

"That you Harry?"

ah no...you have the wrong number

"I know it's you Harry and I'm coming over to sort you out"

Pardon? Look I'm not Harry. You have the wrong number.

"I've got your dog Harry. Hear this" (sound of dog being hit and yelping in pain)

Listen...I don't know who you are but I'm not the person you're looking for and I really don't think...

Sound of gun going off

That shook me up. I mean really freaked me out. And I was worried about the guy having my number.

A week goes by. The phone rings. You know what's coming next don't you? No it's not the dog-killer. It's a girl. She purrs "Harry darling...."

Look this is not Harry. I've only had this phone for a week. I've no idea who Harry is. You have the wrong number.

"That's all right sweetie...I understand...you can't talk...listen I left that money for you"

What money? Look I'm not who you think I am. You have the wrong number.

"That's cool...you know the big oak by the lake - on The Serpentine? Where we met last time? I left it there. You just have to reach inside the trunk. It's not all there - I'm short 10k but there's 25k there ok? Gotta run. Thanks Harry" (Click)

So what would you do huh? Yeah I went to the lake. Now I just want to get rid of this phone. But I figure the next 10k will be coming due soon. Or maybe not. Who knows? But all I want is Fifty Quid for this almost new phone.

It's a INQ¹ Social Phone (Black) on the 3 network
Charger
Earpiece
Battery
USB cable with driver CD
Manual on how to use all the functions of the phone.

And it's in the original box.

You can keep the 10k. Deal?

Well done. Reads like Peterman.

[RickDuris]

Originally Posted by Rezbi

I don't get it: Usually there's a flurry of people trying to show what they're made of.

No suggestions on this one?

Stumped?

Try this: eBay Research Tools, eBay Market Data | Terapeak

Best eBay research on the planet. There's also one for the US.

You'll be able to see what the product ultimately sold at, the copy used and the competition.

- Rick Duris

[markbyrne]

Originally Posted by Metronicity

This phone has a history

Mal, I have some ice cubes I'm selling to the Inuits next summer. Cheque's in the post mate.

[Jess Alexander]

The Mobile Phone That Makes It Easier To Socialise

Just play up the Bolshevik angle. Or the Obama angle, if you swing that way.

[Rezbi]

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

I must be confused. Isn't that what ALL phones are designed to do?

John

Nope. Mine just sings me to sleep.