Critique Sales Copy

[mjprod]

This is my venture in creating my own product and I hired a copywriter that seemed to know what he was talking about, which is to say he knew more than me. The product is new, and everyone that checked it out gave it rave reviews. It's in the health/fitness niche written by an accomplished personal trainer and body builder, with nutritional info done by a certified nutritionist.

The initial surge of traffic hasn't yielded any sales, not even may order form impressions. So I am wondering at what point do you look at the sales copy and start applying some tweaks or scrap it and start over.

completeguidetofitness.com (I'm new here so no links allowed)

Any advice would be appreciated

[ewenmack]

Hi Mike,

What you will find with blockbuster sales of products,
is they have a process working behind the scenes.

This takes the form of many parts,
and each part is measured.

Another Mike at How to Lose Stubborn Belly Fat, Get Flat Sexy Six Pack Abs the Right Way
has a fine tuned process.

See how he caters to both sexes,
which has lifted response rates.

Also the main sales pitch is done with video.
Just 3 reasons why the reader should go watch the video.

Last I heard he is cranking out 8 figures in sales,
so very worthwhile studying his methods.

If you really want to get on the inside of what he and
"The Fat Burning Furnace" do, for killer insights,
sign up to their affiliate program.

They will teach you.

All the best,
Ewen

[OutOfThisWord]

Instead of beginning with 'give me five minutes'... address your audience here... those that are interested in body building.

And also employ a designer to make the copy stand out... right now it is presented dreadfully... and readers won't dread reading it... they'll simply click away.

[mjprod]

Thanks for the advice guys, I'm going to make some changes and do some studying.

[Vincenzo Oliva]

The headline is very "milk toast". It really needs a stronger curiosity factor, a hook, a bolder promise. It has glimpses of decent copy but never quite gets there. Answers some objections, but the bullets are too low and don't stand out. The transitions need to be tightened up.

[AdwordsMogul]

Originally Posted by Vincenzo Oliva

The headline is very "milk toast". It really needs a stronger curiosity factor, a hook, a bolder promise. It has glimpses of decent copy but never quite gets there. Answers some objections, but the bullets are too low and don't stand out. The transitions need to be tightened up.

Agreed.

In addition, 85% of your copy is fluff. It doesn't really say anything.

The problem is you haven't figured out your market.

Is it weight loss you want to sell or fitness?

I think with your website name (and product) you are better of with the fitness market.

You have to understand that people concerned with burning fat are looking for a way to wake up slim tomorrow - not how to get fit.

[Ross James]

Here is mostly why you aren't getting sales:

Your USP sucks, you basically don't have one.

A USP Does: Fights competition, lets you be heard, you stand out in the mind of the consumer.

Basically your market is just blocking you out. They are tired of being fed the same rebranded repackaged soultions. You need to do something different.

ORDER NOW And You'll Also Receive These
Gifts Absolutely Free!

Free Bonus #2: You’ll get access to my proprietary web based software
I’ve spent a lot of money coming up with this software package that is custom made to my custom specifications to help my clients design a nutritional and exercise plan based on their specific input. My clients pay me thousands to design and maintain similar plans for them, and I am giving this information away to you.

This is sort of a USP but you added it in your bonus. A unique sales position will fight the readers resistance that's causing them to stop reading, try to create a better USP. I doub't they are even making it past the fold before clicking off your offer.

-Ross

[success1618]

The cartoon image at the top is pretty weak, and I would say kinda devalues the look and professionalism of the page.

Other then that I think your headlines in red could be a little larger so they are easier to read.

I seem to be mentioning this a lot but the font choice for testimonials I feel is really important, to give off that hand submitted individual look. I like the font handwriting - dakota or even, a script is nice. Another technique I like is using a couple different fonts so it gives the impression that different people wrote them and they were practically cut and paste strait in.

Also is that picture at the bottom you ? If so omfg ! Excuse my french ! That picture is phenomenal and definitely should be at the top and be a major focus point for your sales. I work out 4 - 5 times a week, and as amateur trying to reach 200lbs from 186lbs that picture speaks to me. Screaming " Hey I know my crap, results like these don't come easy, but I am here to help, I have been there, and can show you how to do it too ! "

Blow it up make it huge put it at the top by your intro ! Hey my name is Ryan, I am pro body builder this is my back in the day. With a couple pictures of you present day to establish credibility, absolute gold. Who wouldn't want this product ?

If not then spin it that way. :P