Will You Please Critique My Copy?

[Lesabrayla]

Hi folks,
I'm new here. I am working to learn copywriting and many people told me the best place to test a market is on the warrior forum.
I just recently posted my first WSO and I wonder if you more experienced folks would take a look at the copy and offer critique on what I could do to improve my work. Is it the copy? Is it the offer? Is it the product?
Any and all comments are appreciated.

Our post is located here: OK, so as I don't have the prerequisite number of prior posts, I'm not allowed to link directly back to the post. If you will search on N. Temple, you will find it easily. Sorry. Thanks. How else could I tell you exactly where to find the post?


Thanks in advance for your time.
Sybil

[Ross James]

YouTube - RickRoll'D

[Paul Hooper-Kelly]

Hi Lesabrayla,

I've located the N. Temple WSO and it's a good effort for your first WSO, but there is quite a lot you can do to improve it.

For starters, you should drop the pre-pre-headline "[Nick & Sybil Here: This is our first WSO," That's too negative and hints at a lack of confidence in your offer. If you have doubts about the offer, why should your prospect have the confidence to buy it?

For the same reason, you should drop the opening line "Hi I'm N. Temple, and I am unbelievably excited to bring this insanely valuable package to you!". Because it fails the 'So what? test', you should subject every line of your letter to.

Instead, you should immediately start to talk about the prospect and their problem (Not how excited you feel).

And, as it's a letter, you should open with a salutation ("Howdy fellow Warrior" or something similar).

So you should open with a short line, like:

Howdy fellow Warrior,

It's tough, taking PLR stuff and making money, isn't it?

You see, you've immediately staked out some common ground between you and the prospect. And that starts to build trust, because we all warm to folks who share our point of view.

Then you should go on to enlarge on the probelms before introducing your product whch solves all those problems.

Now going back to the headlines.

You should drop the pre-headline: "The Most Amazing Turnkey Web site System On The PLANET!!!" Wild claims - especially with multiple !!! - and without immediate proof smack of hype and will do you more harm than good.

Better to stick with just the headline,. which you could improve like this ...

Get Ready To Start Filling Your Bank
Account With Cash - Starting TODAY!

Read on to discover how you can grab your very own ready to go, niche web site at a very special Warrior price ...

That's just for starters, there's plenty more there for others to comment on.

Warmest regards,

Paul

[Jess Alexander]

Sybil,

If I were you I would ask an experienced and successful WSO seller for their opinion before you launch your next WSO.

Don'y use WSO forum to ask for advice. (Especially when you are paying to run a WSO.) You are the authority on your topic.

If you need advice, get it offline, or on WF, but discreetly.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by Lesabrayla

Hi folks,
I'm new here. I am working to learn copywriting and many people told me the best place to test a market is on the warrior forum.
I just recently posted my first WSO and I wonder if you more experienced folks would take a look at the copy and offer critique on what I could do to improve my work. Is it the copy? Is it the offer? Is it the product?
Any and all comments are appreciated.

Our post is located here: OK, so as I don't have the prerequisite number of prior posts, I'm not allowed to link directly back to the post. If you will search on N. Temple, you will find it easily. Sorry. Thanks. How else could I tell you exactly where to find the post?


Thanks in advance for your time.
Sybil

"Is it the copy? is it the offer? Is it the product?" Dude - it's the whole box-and-dice. A complete horror-show. A perfect example of how NOT to do a salespage - WSO or not. Complete Niche-In-A-Zip(tm) Website Pre-configured and Ready To Install - Bring In Cash Today

Start again. Quit trying to be clever and lose the hype and the BS. Distill it down to "This is what I've got. This is what it does. This is why your miserable life will be so much better if you have it too. This is the price. This is where to get it."

As for "Get Ready to Start Filling Your Bank Account With Cash"...that will go down like a lead balloon. Keep-it-real. If it truly is the bees-knees - share that excitement with us. In simple words. Short simple sentences. Like this. With only two or three lines per paragraph.

And put yours and the lovely Sybil's headshots up so we can all have a laugh. (I'm being silly - but seriously - at least have an avatar. We like to know who we're dealing with)

Re-write then send me the bastard thing and I'll hack and slash.

cheers,
The Copy Nazi

[Ross James]

How the hell did you guys find it, I tried and tried, then I felt Rick Roll'd.

-Ross