Video Sales Letter Copy Review - Ultimate Software Bundle

[CoMpUtErGoD20XX]

Is any experienced copywriter willing to have a look at my video sales letter copy? The copy is currently in slide show form (OpenOffice or MS format).

I am currently working on trying to up my conversions for my Ultimate Software Bundle (crabbydigital.com/products/ultimate-software-bundle). I will be transitioning this to its own site (UltimateSoftwareBundle.com). I currently sell this product on eBay & on my own site via ClickBank.

I have made a decent amount of eBay sales and website sales but my conversion rate is around a measly 0.4%. What you see was my first stab at writing real copy. I think I failed miserably based on the conversion rate.

I would like to split test this new video form and see if it works better for my product since I know this kind of product can be difficult to convey the real value.

I can provide you my document through, PM (not sure if this works for someone at my level), email, etc. It's your call.

Your thoughts or ideas are much appreciated.

Thanks again.

[Collette]

I think you're close to, but missing, your target. Here's why:

Q: If I already have all this software installed on my computer, why would I need to buy your product?

A: I don't.

Your headline positions your product as a relplacement for my existing software. But why would I need to replace my software if it works fine?

I don't.

IMO, You need to aim this at people who have a new computer, Windows-based platform, who are looking for a cheaper alternative to Microsoft Office, and a more comprehensive alternative to Open Office.

In other words, your target already has a clue. They're already know about open source, they're aware that there are alternatives to MS, and they know they want/need applications for video, etc.

And the key thing here is that they either (a) DON'T already have software installed or (b) are looking for an inexpensive SUITE of software. Or both.

Either way, you need to be talking to someone who already has a grasp of the basics.

Your copy, however, waffles on for ages as though the person you're talking to is a relative newbie.

Different market. And not YOUR market.

Enter the conversation already going on in your prospect's head.

If you do that, you'll find that you're going to lop off about a 1/3 of your existing copy, right off the bat. And that will be a good thing. What you've got up wastes way too much time getting to the point.

Selling Points (IMO) you should be making:

Cheaper than Microsoft Office
More comprehensive than Open Office
Familiar intuitive interface
Fully compatible with Windows-based platform
Lifetime free upgrades
Automatic updates
Multi-user licence
60 day tech support (I'd make this lifetime support)
We make it super-easy for you to get this loaded and get going


Personal layout peeve #1: Please left-justify the copy. When copy is centered down the page like that, it makes it very difficult to read.

Personal Layout/Copy Peeve #2: I had to hunt for the price. The 'bargain' is buried, and presented almost as though you're embarrassed about telling them how much it will cost. You have to believe in the value of your offer - that you are offering people something that will improve their lives - because if you don't, your prospect won't.

[CoMpUtErGoD20XX]

Originally Posted by Collette

I think you're close to, but missing, your target. Here's why:

Q: If I already have all this software installed on my computer, why would I need to buy your product?

A: I don't.

Your headline positions your product as a relplacement for my existing software. But why would I need to replace my software if it works fine?

I don't.

IMO, You need to aim this at people who have a new computer, Windows-based platform, who are looking for a cheaper alternative to Microsoft Office, and a more comprehensive alternative to Open Office.

In other words, your target already has a clue. They're already know about open source, they're aware that there are alternatives to MS, and they know they want/need applications for video, etc.

And the key thing here is that they either (a) DON'T already have software installed or (b) are looking for an inexpensive SUITE of software. Or both.

Either way, you need to be talking to someone who already has a grasp of the basics.

Your copy, however, waffles on for ages as though the person you're talking to is a relative newbie.

Different market. And not YOUR market.

Enter the conversation already going on in your prospect's head.

If you do that, you'll find that you're going to lop off about a 1/3 of your existing copy, right off the bat. And that will be a good thing. What you've got up wastes way too much time getting to the point.

Selling Points (IMO) you should be making:

Cheaper than Microsoft Office
More comprehensive than Open Office
Familiar intuitive interface
Fully compatible with Windows-based platform
Lifetime free upgrades
Automatic updates
Multi-user licence
60 day tech support (I'd make this lifetime support)
We make it super-easy for you to get this loaded and get going


Personal layout peeve #1: Please left-justify the copy. When copy is centered down the page like that, it makes it very difficult to read.

Personal Layout/Copy Peeve #2: I had to hunt for the price. The 'bargain' is buried, and presented almost as though you're embarrassed about telling them how much it will cost. You have to believe in the value of your offer - that you are offering people something that will improve their lives - because if you don't, your prospect won't.

Thanks for the response. I will be sure to take this information into account while cleaning up my copy.

Thanks again.

[Collette]

Courtesy of Mal Lambe (Copy Nazi) here's something you might find useful for layout purposes:

Sales Letter Layout

[CoMpUtErGoD20XX]

Thanks again