Critique of Copy Needed

[Ehanson]

I have some copy that needs improving but I'm not sure where to start. I've touched it up a bit but it still needs a bit of work:

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Embarrassingly bad, I know.

[247Copywriter]

Originally Posted by Ehanson

Embarrassingly bad, I know.

I'm glad you tacked that last comment onto the end.

Yes it is.

And if you knew that as someone who couldn't write a sales letter to save his bacon... why are you posting it up here asking for a critique?

What do you think the answer is going to be?

When you write a sales letter, try to put yourself into the mindset of your target buyers. Now, honestly, tell me, if you came across someone else with this kind of sales copy... would you buy the product?

Would you buy into the 'pitch'? No, I thought not.

Tell me, what would go though your mind? Would you think, "My goodness me, this sounds like a right crock of sh*te." Very highly likely or something along those veins.

Why not try a different approach to this blinkin' old boring method?

Why not try and weave a story into your pitch to make it unique and at the very least, a little bit interesting?

Seriously, this looks like it's been copied and pasted from somewhere else or written out in precisely 5 minutes at most. Or simply spun using article spinning crap software.

At least give the professional copywriters here a little bit of credit. Value their time. Value their input. Appreciate what they do. And put in some bloomin' effort!

And stick a Please on the end of your thread title.

It's more embarrassing for you, having the gall to post up something as bad as this to request a serious critique here.

Do yourself a favor and go back, work on it properly and when you've got something 100x better in a weeks time... then come back and ask for a critique and you'll likely get a lot better responses.

Believe it or not... I'm saying this for your own good.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Use This Checklist Before Asking For A Critique

[OutOfThisWord]

This is your headline...

Discover how To get Google rankings and a Ton of Website Traffic For Free

[Collette]

Originally Posted by Ehanson

I have some copy that needs improving but I'm not sure where to start. ....

Start by telling us what, and who, this copy is supposed to be used for. Sales letter? Squeeze? email? What?

And are you talking to newbies? Intermediates? Article marketers? Who?

[ProfWriter]

The first step is always to write an outline. This is especially important if you aren't an experienced writer. You need to be clear, concise and organized. Or you could hire a writer to do it for you (shameless plug).

[Jake Gray]

Personally,

I find this atrocious.

Take 247Copywriter's advice. Make sure you read that checklist.

To Your Success,
Jake

[Ehanson]

Thanks all for taking time to give advice. I read 24/7's checklist, that list alone should lead to improvement over time.