Need a Quick Sales Letter Critique

damondallah · 01-27-2011, 10:50 AM

Post Deleted!!

Pusateri · 01-27-2011, 04:46 PM

A few suggestions:

Here's a Simple Method to Beat Your Speeding Ticket to Avoid Paying a Single Dime in Fines or Surcharges...

I haven't studied this market. Is 'surcharge' a hot button or search term?

Consider breaking it up into thought sized chunks and use active language.

The Easiest Way to Beat Your Speeding Ticket
You Will Never Pay a Dime in Fines

Even if You're 100% Guilty! should be in a contrasting color.

Using 'unjustified' in your third paragraph contradicts 'Even if You're 100% Guilty!' Contradiction is an enemy of persuasion. The brain hates it.

My name is Damon Dallah and in 2005 I brought the legal community to its knees when I originally published my best selling book, Beat the System.

Since then, it has gone on to become the most popular speeding ticket defense guide in the country, selling thousands of copies and talked about frequently in the news.

I thought all of this was leading up to a new and improved version (which you announce further down,) so I was confused when that didn't happen. That announcement needs to come up here. Also, consider dropping '2005' There is a strong prejudice towards new information and 2005 seems like ancient history. Somebody skimming might assume this is an old product. Try Ranked #1 for Six Straight Years.

Even if You are Unmotivated, Timid or Shy...
Beat the System Was Written Exactly for YOU!

'Unmotivated' doesn't work. Unmotivated people don't buy. "Will Work for You," is much stronger than "Written Exactly for You."

Oh...and italicize the name of your product within the text.

Good luck.

Mark

damondallah · 01-28-2011, 08:15 AM

Thanks Mark for taking the time to review my sales page.

You made some great suggestions.

I'm definitely going to redo the headline. The one there is somewhat temporary till I can come up with a better one.

Thanks again.

-Damon

travlinguy · 01-28-2011, 08:41 AM

The headline is a clunker and does little or nothing to grab attention. Same goes for the text alongside your pic. It's useless. Do you really want to guarantee that someone will be in "Utter Shock and Disbelief"? That's an airball claim and weakens your credibility. And... you'll have people take you up on that guarantee as well.

The rest is pretty vanilla and not very compelling. I'd consider hiring a copywriter if I were you. Good luck.

damondallah · 01-28-2011, 09:26 AM

Thanks travlinguy... you're right, I do need to hire a copywriter.

I think I may just end up doing that.

I went ahead and made some minor adjustments. I think I'll close this post and take some more time to work on it.

I appreciated the time you took. Thanks.

01-27-2011, 04:46 PM	#2
Pusateri Words Rule the World War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: South Texas Coast Posts: 342 Thanks: 314 Thanked 282 Times in 141 Posts	Re: Need a Quick Sales Letter Critique A few suggestions: Here's a Simple Method to Beat Your Speeding Ticket to Avoid Paying a Single Dime in Fines or Surcharges... I haven't studied this market. Is 'surcharge' a hot button or search term? Consider breaking it up into thought sized chunks and use active language. The Easiest Way to Beat Your Speeding Ticket You Will Never Pay a Dime in Fines Even if You're 100% Guilty! should be in a contrasting color. Using 'unjustified' in your third paragraph contradicts 'Even if You're 100% Guilty!' Contradiction is an enemy of persuasion. The brain hates it. My name is Damon Dallah and in 2005 I brought the legal community to its knees when I originally published my best selling book, Beat the System. Since then, it has gone on to become the most popular speeding ticket defense guide in the country, selling thousands of copies and talked about frequently in the news. I thought all of this was leading up to a new and improved version (which you announce further down,) so I was confused when that didn't happen. That announcement needs to come up here. Also, consider dropping '2005' There is a strong prejudice towards new information and 2005 seems like ancient history. Somebody skimming might assume this is an old product. Try Ranked #1 for Six Straight Years. Even if You are Unmotivated, Timid or Shy... Beat the System Was Written Exactly for YOU! 'Unmotivated' doesn't work. Unmotivated people don't buy. "Will Work for You," is much stronger than "Written Exactly for You." Oh...and italicize the name of your product within the text. Good luck. Mark

01-28-2011, 08:15 AM	#3
damondallah Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: , , . Posts: 27 Thanks: 9 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Need a Quick Sales Letter Critique Thanks Mark for taking the time to review my sales page. You made some great suggestions. I'm definitely going to redo the headline. The one there is somewhat temporary till I can come up with a better one. Thanks again. -Damon

01-28-2011, 08:41 AM	#4
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,310 Thanked 1,632 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Need a Quick Sales Letter Critique The headline is a clunker and does little or nothing to grab attention. Same goes for the text alongside your pic. It's useless. Do you really want to guarantee that someone will be in "Utter Shock and Disbelief"? That's an airball claim and weakens your credibility. And... you'll have people take you up on that guarantee as well. The rest is pretty vanilla and not very compelling. I'd consider hiring a copywriter if I were you. Good luck.
	How To Launch A Successful WSO \| WSO Of The Day \| 2941 Power Swipes To Improve Your Writing!

01-28-2011, 09:26 AM	#5
damondallah Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: , , . Posts: 27 Thanks: 9 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Need a Quick Sales Letter Critique Thanks travlinguy... you're right, I do need to hire a copywriter. I think I may just end up doing that. I went ahead and made some minor adjustments. I think I'll close this post and take some more time to work on it. I appreciated the time you took. Thanks.

01-27-2011, 10:50 AM	#1
damondallah Warrior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: , , . Posts: 27 Thanks: 9 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Need a Quick Sales Letter Critique Post Deleted!!