My first sales page and I need the input of Experts

[Daniel Scott]

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

Weak, amateur graphics.
Weak headline.
Weak opening.
Pathetic testimonials.

Boring

Bruce may sound like a curmudgeonly old sod...

...but he's right.

And while it might be a harsh way to put it... I understand where he's coming from.

As professionals... we put sweat, blood and tears into every word we write... and every letter we craft.

We care about what we do... and we spend 40+ hours on a single sales letter (well, I do).

So when someone puts something together in a slap-dash manner... without even trying to learn the craft...

Well, we're not usually a forgiving bunch.

It's that reason I don't offer free critiques on this forum any more.

But that doesn't mean people like Bruce and I don't help out.

The other day I spent a couple of hours with a budding copywriter, sharing secrets... 100% free.

But she had proven she had at least studied this stuff and was working her ass off at being better... in short, she was worthy of my valuable time.

Compare that to your average forum poster who hasn't spent months studying copywriting (and yeah, that's what it takes to put out a half-decent effort, if not longer), hasn't put untold hours into the copy and who is basically just hoping we'll re-write it for him piece by piece ("any more suggestions?")...

...and it's not hard to see why a lot of the more respected copywriters shy away from answering posts like these a lot of the time.

Add to that the fact most posters just want to be told how great it is... and completely ignore our suggestions because they're too hard... and the picture only gets clearer.

As an aside... when I request a copy critique from a colleague or mentor... It's not a half-finished piece.

It's something I've put my heart and soul into... agonized over... and spent hours upon hours cutting, editing and re-writing.

It's a piece I literally cannot make any better without the insight of other people's thought processes.

And truth be told, it's always after it's been tested and I have a baseline to go on... because I'm committed to at least giving the project a shot - something your average poster in here again can't be bothered doing.

-Daniel

P.S. This reply has nothing to do with the OP... just Bruce's reply and the reaction to it.

[RRMarketing]

Hello Jim,

It's far better compared to most submissions here.

Here's my quick review:
- The headline is good, however, it doesn't really shocks or captures my attention. You could play around with it. Something around the lines of "How a weird science discovery can help you lose 15 pounds ..." or whatever benefit.

- The subhead is a little too specific. For example, you could say "You have tried a few things" instead of "tried everything".

- Remember them that it's not their fault.

- Use a feature - benefit - emotional benefit / teaser bullet structure.

- Break down the paragraphs into smaller one. It's somehow difficult to read.

- Transform your guarantee into a hard one (if you don't lose at least 5 pounds, then ...)

There are a little few more things you could improve, but overall, it looks good.

However, as with most critiques, I don't know the market research or if the theme / main appeal is right. If that's off the spot, most the letter won't work.

Good luck,
Razvan

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Ross James

A new challenger has appeared...

Hey tubbo butt...

How Would You Like To Drop Your Pants Down A Few Sizes - Rip Off Your Belly Fat And Finally Have Your Reflection Smile Back At You..

Go ahead, claim that new reputation on the dance floor, what are you waiting for?

I hate tubbo butt, but the rest of the headline is fabulous.

Kudos.

Drop your pants. Heh.