Copy Critique: What do You Think of my Squeeze Page?

[remsleep]

Hi all,

Can you critique the short squeeze pages I have set up?

Free Diet Book for Women and Teens
Affiliates « My Blog

The site is not finished.. Just wanted to know about the effectiveness of the squeeze page. Any inputs will be great.

Is there something like a better headline I could have written?

Thanks

[Ross James]

Your squeeze page looks like it's the one on the diet? Where are the big meaty benefits? What value can I take away from it? nothing, you've left it all to yourself. Did not opt in.


Best,

-Ross

P.S. that was my inner prospect speaking.

[remsleep]

Thanks for the input Ross...

Your squeeze page looks like it's the one on the diet?

Yes

Where are the big meaty benefits?

This is a sample FREE report and not the main product. I have given the contents of the report as what you will learn in checklist format. Is there more info to be provided?

What value can I take away from it?

Guess the headline is weak since you asked that question. Any tips on how to better them?

[Ross James]

Well yeah the headline is half ok, but half ok loses almost every time.

try to model your headlines like this.

[Lead Character] [Does Something Amazing] [In a Very Specific Measurable Way] Without [The Most Common Pain Or Pains Associated to The Prospect You're Targeting]

The benefits need to be jumping off the page at me but instead looked bitter lonely next to one another. You didn't really communicate enough value, any real solution, differentiate from the rest of the gazillion diet prod, etc, etc. but again I'm really not your target market anyways..

Best,

Ross

[remsleep]

Can you have a look now?? I have remodeled the headline

Free Diet Book for Women and Teens

Thanks

[RickDuris]

Nine reasons to rewrite this squeeze page:

1. The headline is awful. Too wordy. These are not the words women or teens would want to hear. It just doesn't flow.

"Best Practices"? Please... If you like that, might as well say:

"The Six Sigma Strategy For Losing Weight Rapidly..."

2. Who's Dr. Athira? Why should I care?

3. "You will learn about?" Yawn. If I'm a woman and I'm overweight, I'm looking for bullets that address my specific concerns.

4. Down the Free Sample Diet Book v. diet tips free report for women and teens v. free diet book... What??? Which is it?

5. A picture or video would be kinda nice, yes?

6. You want a WORKING email address?

7. Why the scary disclaimer?

8. Pick one: Women or teens? Once you choose, focus on them.

9. There's zero curiousity, no sense of urgency, little specificity.

- Rick Duris

[Ross James]

..if your tired of that little bastard in your head telling you to lose weight

Finally A Fat Sucking System That Eats Away Your Beer Belly And Shapes Up Those Thunder Thighs
..don't think you're the only one to blame, wait until you hear what the food industry is guilty of.

[remsleep]

Originally Posted by Ross James

..if your tired of that little bastard in your head telling you to lose weight

Finally A Fat Sucking System That Eats Away Your Beer Belly And Shapes Up Those Thunder Thighs
..don't think you're the only one to blame, wait until you hear what the food industry is guilty of.

Thats powerful.... Can I use them???

[remsleep]

"Best Practices"? Please... If you like that, might as well say:

Being in the IT industry, I think these talks comes naturally for me...

Who's Dr. Athira? Why should I care?

Tried to fix that in the letter

"You will learn about?" Yawn. If I'm a woman and I'm overweight, I'm looking for bullets that address my specific concerns.

I have listed the bullet points below the headline

Down the Free Sample Diet Book v. diet tips free report for women and teens v. free diet book... What??? Which is it?

Its a diet report with around 5 articles which will be given as a sample. Which do you think I should stick with?

A picture or video would be kinda nice, yes?

I am planning for a header+ ecover.. This was just an outline

You want a WORKING email address?

Fixed that

Why the scary disclaimer?

Will be having a dedicated disclaimer page

Pick one: Women or teens? Once you choose, focus on them.

The target market is both

There's zero curiousity, no sense of urgency, little specificity.

How can I integrate those into a free report? Should I open it up for a limited period?

Thanks a lot for your advice...

[Ross James]

Originally Posted by remsleep

Thats powerful.... Can I use them???

Yes, you can, let me know how it works out.

Keep in touch.


Ross

[remsleep]

Originally Posted by Ross James

Yes, you can, let me know how it works out.

Keep in touch.


Ross

Thanks... I have used them with some modifications

[Ross James]

Originally Posted by remsleep

Thanks... I have used them with some modifications

That's not cool please take it down now.


Kidding, knock yourself silly. enjoy

[remsleep]

Any more suggestions are welcome

[RickDuris]

No offense, but I just get the impression you really don't know the market. SHAPE magazine would be a good one to subscribe to.

Unfortunately, your free offer isn't relevant enough for a woman to take action.

Here, let me just take one piece of the copy and dissect. Let's talk about the bullets.

1. Yours are logical, not emotional.

2. They are generic, not specific.

3. They definitely aren't relevant to a woman who's overweight. She intuitively *KNOWS* all the reasons she should exercise, but still she doesn't. There are tips galore on the Internet, but still she thinks she's fat. Why?

4. Little curiousity invoked.

This is about dress sizes... looking hot in a "cute" mini-skirt or a bikini at the beach in summer... feeling attractive and desirable again to a man.

Let me give you a specific for instance...

What if there was a way to have gastric bypass surgery--something a lot of overweight women are considering--WITHOUT actually having the surgery?

In other words, automatically and mentally-inducing "a lap band effect"...

If you were a woman, wouldn't you want to know more about that?

- Rick Duris

PS: Ask me how I know these types of things.

1. A few years ago, one of my relatives said "Enough's enough." She was at an amusement park and after waiting 45 minutes in line, they wouldn't let onto one of a rides because they couldn't buckle her into her seat. All this was played out in front of her friends and family, including her 10-year old daughter.

Talk about embarrassing--she admits it was the most embarrassing day of her life.

2. Met a nice woman a few days ago who openly admitted to having gastric bypass surgery. In the last six months, she's lost 80 lbs. Her reason for the surgery?

The doctor told her the health risks and it scared her really bad. There was fear in her eyes when she spoke.

What you want to do is grab the emotions.

[Ross James]

That's good advice. Definitely don't stop with the headline, unfortunately I don't have the time to go through everything. I'm pacing back and forth from my own work and the forum. Take Ricks advice and pay off that headline!

-Ross

[remsleep]

Thanks for your tips.. I have reworked the squeeze page...

[Carol_A]

I learned a lot from this thread, thanks.

I like the style of your opt-in box.

[RickDuris]

Originally Posted by remsleep

Thanks for your tips.. I have reworked the squeeze page...

Hire a copywriter. Seriously. You don't have the language and it's obvious.

And unless you can actually fufill on the "gastric bypass surgery" bullet, avoid. Remove. Odds are you can't fulfill and there WILL be buyer's remorse, even if the report is free. Your "launch" will be compromised.

Plus, there are people who can actually pull that off. I meant it as an example only.

A little more creativity and research is in order here.

Remember, you are competing in the most competitive markets. This is not a "slap something together and see if it flies" endeavor.

- Rick Duris

[ewenmack]

I'm calling it as I see it...it's a joke.

It says a lot, but has no meaning.

No takeaway value.

Ask yourself this...if you were a guy who seriously wants
to look down and see his toes again...and sees this...

"Eat this orange colored fruit three times a day,
and you will shed 3x more body fat than 30 minutes circuit training"

...would you think the guy who wrote it knows what he's talking about?

It combines curiosity and being specific.

Beats the heck out of vague generalities.

To add value and respect the readers time, you can give out
your very best advice right on your squeeze page.

And add a couple of other bullet points like
the one I gave as an example.

Then tell the readers they'll get all those tips you have just
told them, in their email.

All the best,
Ewen

[Dima Kritchevski]

One tip that alone will boost your squeeze pages conversion rate by 100-150%...
Go to wowminisites.com or any of the other gazillion kick-ass minisite/ecover design guys and get them to create an AWESOME looking eCover Graphic and put that graphic above the blue arrows on the right.

[remsleep]

Thanks guys.. I am considering hiring a copywriter to clean this up for me...