First Sales Page - Experts Please Advise

[Andrew Prince]

I think I did a fairly good job and want to know what I can add or change to improve! I will be checking in on this very often and really appreciate your help. My main goal is to either try and get sales from this and if it doesn't work promote an affiliate until I have enough to hire a pro. Let me know what you think!


http://www.spinningbackthescale.com/proof/


This is a draft, clearly not a final letter. This is why I am coming to you guys now that I am 75% finished. Also, ignore the bonus images at the bottom I cannot make them align correctly.

[OutOfThisWord]

Make this your headline...


Now You Can Lose More Than 14 Pounds Of Ugly Fat
Within The Next 2 Weeks... Quickly & Easily...

...without bogus fat burner pills... useless ab belts...
or boring cardio workouts.

[Collette]

*sigh*

Another diet diaster.

OK, the good news: I think you have the basic writing skills you need to bust out a decent letter. Eventually.

The bad news: This is not a decent letter. This isn't even a passable letter for the weight loss/diet market.

- Header graphic is OK, but overall, your graphics are lame.
- Core headline is here: "Lose More Than 14 Pounds Of Ugly Fat Within The Next 2 Weeks" but has no curiosity, no Reason Why, no uniqueness.
- "From Andrew Prince": Who is Andrew Prince, and why should I care? No idea.
- "I set my mind to losing 14 ugly pounds of fat and the results I got were amazing..." In other words, you just told me "It's YOUR fault that you're fat and overweight, because YOU lack willpower." *click*
- Typos all through this copy. For example:
THE GURU STRATEGY TO LOSE WEIGHT DIEING JUST DOES NOT WORK…

No sh&t.

- Testimonials completely useless. "That was awesome!" Yeah? But did it WORK. Who knows? Not the reader.
- Did you lose 12 pounds or 14 pounds? More than 14 pounds? In 12 days or 14 days? Your copy is not consistent. Don't think the reader won't notice.
- Why do I need a 30-day Guarantee? Didn't you just tell me 14 days is all I need to see the promised results?
-"Fact is, I might take this offer down at any moment because it’s just too crazy to give this much away…" Really? Then why put the offer up in the first place? Completely unbelievable.
- I'd make more specific comments on the overall copy, but it was too boring to read unless I'm being paid to do so.

I don't know what your background is, or whether you have studied any copywriting books or courses. From this draft, I see no evidence that you have grasped the basics of writing sales copy. Either hire a copy pro to work this up for you, or resign yourself to spending many, many more hours on learning and practicing.

[GreenMachine]

Originally Posted by Collette

I don't know what your background is, or whether you have studied any copywriting books or courses. From this draft, I see no evidence that you have grasped the basics of writing sales copy. Either hire a copy pro to work this up for you, or resign yourself to spending many, many more hours on learning and practicing.

+1 I totally agree... It may just be time to hire a professional and get the job done right... your conversions will thank you.

[Andrew Prince]

Originally Posted by Dirk Glazer

Could keep it simpler...


World exclusive fat decelerator...

"From a Hummer Truck to
a Mini in Just 2 Weeks!"

1 month ago, I couldn't get in my daughters Mini...


(Story goes here)

Great, I like that a lot.

Originally Posted by Collette

*sigh*

Another diet diaster.

OK, the good news: I think you have the basic writing skills you need to bust out a decent letter. Eventually.

The bad news: This is not a decent letter. This isn't even a passable letter for the weight loss/diet market.

- Header graphic is OK, but overall, your graphics are lame.
- Core headline is here: "Lose More Than 14 Pounds Of Ugly Fat Within The Next 2 Weeks" but has no curiosity, no Reason Why, no uniqueness.
- "From Andrew Prince": Who is Andrew Prince, and why should I care? No idea.
- "I set my mind to losing 14 ugly pounds of fat and the results I got were amazing..." In other words, you just told me "It's YOUR fault that you're fat and overweight, because YOU lack willpower." *click*
- Typos all through this copy. For example:
THE GURU STRATEGY TO LOSE WEIGHT DIEING JUST DOES NOT WORK…

No sh&t.

- Testimonials completely useless. "That was awesome!" Yeah? But did it WORK. Who knows? Not the reader.
- Did you lose 12 pounds or 14 pounds? More than 14 pounds? In 12 days or 14 days? Your copy is not consistent. Don't think the reader won't notice.
- Why do I need a 30-day Guarantee? Didn't you just tell me 14 days is all I need to see the promised results?
-"Fact is, I might take this offer down at any moment because it’s just too crazy to give this much away…" Really? Then why put the offer up in the first place? Completely unbelievable.
- I'd make more specific comments on the overall copy, but it was too boring to read unless I'm being paid to do so.

I don't know what your background is, or whether you have studied any copywriting books or courses. From this draft, I see no evidence that you have grasped the basics of writing sales copy. Either hire a copy pro to work this up for you, or resign yourself to spending many, many more hours on learning and practicing.

Thanks for all of the help so far. It is about 75% completed and now I am going to try and do tweaks to the letter where it is needed. Maybe a complete re-write is necessary LOL...

Originally Posted by GreenMachine

+1 I totally agree... It may just be time to hire a professional and get the job done right... your conversions will thank you.

Any specific ideas?

[Dirk Glazer]

If you want to use that headline, do so. Took me all of 2 secs to come up with it.

You're welcome to it.

No problem. My pleasure.

[Kevin Rogers]

Hi Andrew,

Congrats on the work you've done... action is always rewarded. But there's lots more to do before you can promote this.

I've written quite a bit for the weight loss niche. I hope you find this critique useful....

TechSmith | Screencast.com, online video sharing, Kevin_Rogers_Random_Critique_Andrew_Prince

Kevin

P.S. One more thought on the title, "Spinning Back The Scale"... it will make some people assume your method involves "spinning". If it does, it's a great title. If it doesn't, it will mislead.

[UKproofreading]

Hi Andrew,

Well, What I did w...

I've just quickly scanned over your page, and I spotted a few errors within the first couple of minutes. If you want people to trust you and buy your product, you need to give off a professional impression.

Give this a check over and correct all the typos and errors, it's an essential if you want to make sales.



Thanks,
Jake.

[Andrew Prince]

Originally Posted by Kevin Rogers

Hi Andrew,

Congrats on the work you've done... action is always rewarded. But there's lots more to do before you can promote this.

I've written quite a bit for the weight loss niche. I hope you find this critique useful....

TechSmith | Screencast.com, online video sharing, Kevin_Rogers_Random_Critique_Andrew_Prince

Kevin

P.S. One more thought on the title, "Spinning Back The Scale"... it will make some people assume your method involves "spinning". If it does, it's a great title. If it doesn't, it will mislead.

Wow, thank you so much for this! This really helped a TON! I have sent you a PM.

[Collette]

Originally Posted by Kevin Rogers

...I hope you find this critique useful....

TechSmith | Screencast.com, online video sharing, Kevin_Rogers_Random_Critique_Andrew_Prince

Kevin

....

Apart from making me LMAO, my vote is that this critique should be MANDATORY viewing before anyone else posts another diet/weight loss letter for critique. (We've had a flurry of these lately, and they have been universally bad.)

The sad fact is, (as you mentioned), most of the writers just aren't ready to write for this extremely tough market. It's like bringing a sparkler to a Bicentennial fireworks display.

Andrew - in case you don't realize it (and I think you do) you just got a gift of a few hundred $$ worth of Kevin's time.

[Ross James]

I've only been here a short while, I've learned a great deal from other warriors but that critique Kevin just gave you is one of the best I've read/heard in my time here.

Goodluck and follow kevins advice!

[ramonthomas]

Hey Andrew what is your current conversion ratio on your main page right now? Can't you run Google Adwords split tests to measure the difference?