Offer Closed....Thank You...Looking for insight on my new sales page...

[Andy LaPointe]

Offer Closed... Thank you

Andy

[Andy LaPointe]

Thanks for the insight.

I have already applied your suggestions,

I hope you like the 5 PLR articles I set over as a thanks,

Andy

[travlinguy]

A couple of things. Your headline is weak... And, you end it with a question mark but it isn't a question

"If you Want Your Teenager to Completely Understand the
Secrets of Money?"

There are quite a few other punctuation issues as well. You seem to like to use a lot of commas. They may belong in a 'formal' piece but in a friendly letter like this one they tend to slow the reader down. I'd suggest you have a good proofreader go over this page. Good Luck!

[Abigail Beal]

Hi Andy,

Here are some ideas....I am unable to get through the whole letter now but wanted to offer some suggestions. I think this is a GREAT idea and you've got some really winning points. I hope this helps! Abby

Great idea! Who wouldn't want a money smart teen?

The "Everything Your Teenager" is fine, but just hard to read. Can you lighten the green background or change it? Or change the text somehow?

I don't know if "Secrets of Money" is the best phrase to use. What about "Power of Money" or "Money Management"

I'd change "If so," to "You and your teen can't afford to miss out on this website........"

"Your busy" uses the wrong type of word grammatically. That should be "You're"

Change "But luckily" to "Fortunately"

Does your system REALLY work without argument or frustration? Give more information about WHY it works without argument or frustration -- that could be a BIG selling point for many parents but you need to back that up a bit to make it stick.

You are teaching people how to be a millionare -- are YOU a millionare? People may ask this question before buying the book so I'm bringing this up. Maybe say something like "Teens will learn the money management skills and tools to become a millionare."

[imaddict]

Hey Andy, it's a great start IMHO... but here's a few major points to consider:

1) What is the main benefit of buying this course from the reader's point of view? It seems to me the appeal here is parental pride (the underlying selfish reason they would purchase this in the first place). You have to spell that out all over your letter...

For example, "This book will teach them: how to save money, how to budget money, etc." - expand on those... what do they mean to buyer of your book?

The main point I'm trying to make here is that you're swaying these people into buying this book because - yes - it's for the well-being of their children - but the underlying (selfish) reason is so they can tell their friends, neighbors, and family members, "My son/daughter has got a great grip on their finances. He/she's already opened an [investment account] and she/he's only 15!"

2) Your headline is weak. You need to work on that... and preferably try to get that main benefit/appeal into it.

3) Your opening is OK, but then sharply changes directions. "While I was writing this book..." What book and who are you? Yes, you have your name at the beginning of the letter but that's not enough. Perhaps you could modify the opening to expand on the first paragraph - turn it into a story that they can completely related to - then properly introduce yourself, your credentials, and finally your product.

Keep up the good work.

[gcjmarkets]

Andy, I think you have a great idea and along with what others have already said about your headline and you should qualify yourself a little more with a story. Did you have a kid that was just running through money like it grew on trees? Did you run through money? etc..

Also it looks like your target market is parents wanting to teach their children how to handle their money. Most parents would look at your sales letter and see the benefit you have listed first "How to make a million dollars with little work and effort" (I may have qouted that wrong but thats what it says in general) but when they see that their first thought will not be to order right now.

Just some things to think about and once you get the letter fixed I think you can look forward to plenty of sales

Good luck
Gary