Optin page critique and headline ideas please?

[Flareman]

Hi fellow Warriors,

I previously posted a landing page critique with a video and apparently its not converting very well.

So....

I've made a complete overhaul and went with an optin page + sandwich page instead (after looking at Igor Kheifets "Crossing the free line").

Anyways, I would appreciate any comment, advice, suggestions especially on the headers please.

10 Minute Corporate Fat Loss Plan: The Quick & Easy Fat Loss for Busy Working Professionals

Daniel
(P.S: I'm doing some A/B testing on the video image, so it will show a newscaster lady or a tummy image)

[Scumlabs]

You don't have nearly enough content. You also have zero registered backlinks. I also don't see you targeting any keywords with traffic.

Without good content, backlinks, and targeting keywords, you just won't get organic traffic.

[OutOfThisWord]

Too much going on... the easiest thing for the visitor to do is close the screen to minimize their eye-ache.

Your headline is o.k... but who want's to hunt for it, like I did.

[travlinguy]

A couple of things. I rarely click on videos for info. I prefer written information. There are many out there like me. The headline is okay but in my opinion you (or someone) can do much better.

Your bullet points are only fair - not very compelling. There is also some awkward language on the page. Do yourself a favor and get a qualified proofreader to go over it. Good luck.

[Ross James]

take this with a grain of salt, but to me it's too predictable, doesn't break the expectations of "the next diet program", basically it looks fake. You need to get real people on your page with real results. there are a couple reasons people don't want to buy from you, they either don't believe you, don't like your offer or they can't afford it. And the stock photos, yikes, Kevin just framed why you shouldn't use them in a previous critique. It just doesn't look genuine.

Also I don't really think you hit the customer criteria fully. Their criteria isn't to just lose weight. I know that may sound crazy but their criteria is something else, since your taking on the corporate theme, the criteria could be to look better at work? also they maybe want to be more productive at work, maybe get a date at work? You really didn't really say why it's special for anyone in the corporate world yet it's a corporate fat loss plan? But how and why? Do I bring dumbbells to my desk and crank out there?

I realize that the criteria will probably be different for everyone so I guess my point is, don't just talk about losing the weight. Also future pace, talk about how they will feel at work after your program, you didn't really do that either. I could write more but hopefully someone else will fill in the gaps. I have to get back to my own work.

Oh yeah, I also noticed that your bullets were all blind, I think some rock star copywriter on here did an interview recently on why you shouldn't include all blind bullets.

Best,

Ross

[Flareman]

Originally Posted by Ross James

Oh yeah, I also noticed that your bullets were all blind, I think some rock star copywriter on here did an interview recently on why you shouldn't include all blind bullets.

Best,

Ross

Thanks everyone for your comments. Ross, can you elaborate what you mean by "blind bullets"?

[Ross James]

here is the interview, straight from the horses mouth.

Carlton Part 1: Hear what John thinks of the Warrior Forum

John actually talks about blind copy in the second interview.

Best,

Ross