Critque - Something different

[eSubmarine]

Hello copywriters!

I've been experimenting with copy writing now for about a month, and it's something I am getting infatuated with. The language we use is amazing and I am dedicated to learning a lot of new stuff as quickly as possible. But I am really struggling with my first sales page.

[Ross James]

I will help you with this if in exchange you will help me setup a membership site in the future. I mean personally help you, not skim through your work and offer you a new headline that I think may work... I will get involved and help you along the way to improving rapport with your customers... I will be on skype all day.

If not here is a takeaway: I think that if you want to increase rapport with your customers, you need to understand them like they understand themselves, get more personal and congruent with them, maybe do a webinar once a week? I understand rapport a lot better in conversation but a lot of it can still be used online. I'd highly suggest a webinar service, this will increase your rapport and value of service through the roof if you can speak extemporaneously!

Best,

Ross

[eSubmarine]

Originally Posted by Ross James

I will help you with this if in exchange you will help me setup a membership site in the future. I mean personally help you, not skim through your work and offer you a new headline that I think may work... I will get involved and help you along the way to improving rapport with your customers... I will be on skype all day.

If not here is a takeaway: I think that if you want to increase rapport with your customers, you need to understand them like they understand themselves, get more personal and congruent with them, maybe do a webinar once a week? I understand rapport a lot better in conversation but a lot of it can still be used online. I'd highly suggest a webinar service, this will increase your rapport and value of service through the roof if you can speak extemporaneously!

Best,

Ross

I love the suggestion about a weekly webinar, that is a great idea. I will definetly build this in with the package somewhere. It would help to offer that extra personal touch I am looking for.

In regards to you offer. I am interested, but I will have to think about it, I am not sure if I am ready to start working with someone else on this project. Don't get me wrong, I am interested, I just need to think a few things through first. Maybe we could arrange a time to chat at some point before the close of this week to where we can add value for each other. I think this would be the best bet for me. I'll drop you a PM on friday most likely and we can arrange a time to chat from there? Would that suit?

[Ross James]

Submarine, don't get too deep with it. I'm just looking for advice. I don't want you to setup the membership site. I just want to know how to deliver the goods.. I understand HTML/CSS / Wordpress and a little PHP. I just basically want to follow you around and ask you questions, create a model after your very own. I don't want you to do any of the real work. let me know, you'll be glad you worked with me if it's rapport or copy you need advice with. I can help you with that.

Best,

Ross

[eSubmarine]

Opps! Sorry I misunderstood, I thought your proposal was a little more work, as apposed to the exchange of advise. I would definitely happy to work with you in this sense.

[Ross James]

I think you may misunderstand rapport a little or maybe how it's really used.

Rapport is more or less subconscious congruency, that is that you mirror and match peoples behaviors and even in times of disagreeing with one another you can still have rapport with someone. I know I'm leaving out a lot but I'm just trying to show you how rapport isn't always just being happy with one another.

Trying to figure out how to build rapport online is a little different, you'll have to speak to a person one on one that's why I suggested the webinar service, it can be done, and also will add value to your membership site.

[Vincenzo Oliva]

Just on your 1st line I can say that what you are asking is that the person trusts you that your different then the others. This is not the point to tackle that you need to build up to that with further proof. It's sounds like pure "Hype" right from the get go.

Stop a second. Reading this could change your life....

Let's take away the hype, the scarcity tactics, all the false claims and treat you like a person for a change!

[Collette]

It's intended to build rapport and create a positive personal image for myself

So I click your sig, and what do I see?

"Why You'll Never Succeed Online"

About as negative a message as you can give to someone looking for info on how to make money online.

Same thing with your headline and intro. Negative, negative, negative.

And the slim hope you offer that you are the one to help me succeed?

"...this is so fresh in my mind. I know EXACTLY how to help you.

I am just a little bit infront of the little guy."

Dude.

It's one thing to offer hype-free, trustworthy info.

It's another to offer limited experience and knowledge from a wet-behind-the-ears-recent-newbie. And to charge for it.

If I'm going to give you my monthly dibs, I want to be SURE that I'm getting information from someone who has the chops to truly guide me to the success I seek. Otherwise, it's a waste of my time and hard-earned money.

And who wants to waste their time and money?

But that - in essence - is your pitch here. Guarantee or no guarantee. If you want a guarantee with teeth, then offer me the free trial without my credit card info.

If I like the site, great: I get an email reminder that my freebie is about to expire, go to PayPal, do the necessary. If I don't, I don't have to do a thing; my password expires and my access goes 'bye bye'.

This letter (and concept) is a redo, from top to bottom.

You CAN use the elements of a successful sales letter without resorting to hype, false promises or fake scarcity. Contrary to much of what you see here and on Clickbank, you do NOT have to go that route to get results.

You DO however, need to offer something real that offers people hope and a real solution to their problems.

And if you want a relationship with your customers, you're going to need an "authority site" where you give them tons of good information - up front - right there. No opt-in, no credit card necessary. Long before you get to your sales pitch.

Because you don't build trusted relationships by trying to sell to someone straight off the bat. You have to build likeability and credibility first. What you have here does neither.

[eSubmarine]

Originally Posted by Collette

So I click your sig, and what do I see?

"Why You'll Never Succeed Online"

About as negative a message as you can give to someone looking for info on how to make money online.

Same thing with your headline and intro. Negative, negative, negative.

And the slim hope you offer that you are the one to help me succeed?



Dude.

It's one thing to offer hype-free, trustworthy info.

It's another to offer limited experience and knowledge from a wet-behind-the-ears-recent-newbie. And to charge for it.

If I'm going to give you my monthly dibs, I want to be SURE that I'm getting information from someone who has the chops to truly guide me to the success I seek. Otherwise, it's a waste of my time and hard-earned money.

And who wants to waste their time and money?

But that - in essence - is your pitch here. Guarantee or no guarantee. If you want a guarantee with teeth, then offer me the free trial without my credit card info.

If I like the site, great: I get an email reminder that my freebie is about to expire, go to PayPal, do the necessary. If I don't, I don't have to do a thing; my password expires and my access goes 'bye bye'.

This letter (and concept) is a redo, from top to bottom.

You CAN use the elements of a successful sales letter without resorting to hype, false promises or fake scarcity. Contrary to much of what you see here and on Clickbank, you do NOT have to go that route to get results.

You DO however, need to offer something real that offers people hope and a real solution to their problems.

And if you want a relationship with your customers, you're going to need an "authority site" where you give them tons of good information - up front - right there. No opt-in, no credit card necessary. Long before you get to your sales pitch.

Because you don't build trusted relationships by trying to sell to someone straight off the bat. You have to build like ability and credibility first. What you have here does neither.

Thanks for your response, although it was a little bit brutal for me to read, it has been very helpful for me in understanding a few things.

Like I said I am new to this game but I do believe I have some serious and quality content to offer. I have a ton of camtasia recordings (nearly finished editing the video content for the course) of almost everything I've done in the last 6 months as I have gone from pretty much $0 to $5-6k pm consistently. I know its not a huge figure, but its nearly autopilot income that I think others would have a great use from knowing in step-by-step detail how I did this. So I believe the information I provide for the price that I am offering at is a great deal for someone who is struggling to get started. I'm choosing the membership format as I believe this will be the best way to deliver this content.

I am not the kind of guy that wants to just make a quick buck and run. I do want to help people, I think the failings in my sales letter you have addressed mask the point I am trying to get across.

I think what you say about the structure of the free offer is very valid. I will change the membership site to include this, allowing users to sample the first weeks content will go some way to validate the fact that I am a newer marketer, with less knowledge and experience than some other. I think your right, in this situation starting the subscription would be unjustified.

Thanks for clarifying what some others have said in this post about how building rapport works. I was a little unfamiliar with this concept and now I think I have a greater understanding of how this works. It has been in the back of my mind to create a personal blog for this purpose and I have now started the development of this. Great idea.

Do you have an suggestions on what story or concept I could use in my situation? I am really struggling with developing this.

[eSubmarine]

Originally Posted by Vincenzo Oliva

Just on your 1st line I can say that what you are asking is that the person trusts you that your different then the others. This is not the point to tackle that you need to build up to that with further proof. It's sounds like pure "Hype" right from the get go.

As I said above I will be working on adjusting the whole concept of the sales letter. It's clear I have a lot to learn.

It's interesting to see what you've suggested however. I am getting a better idea of how to open the letter, when you speak about further proof.... do you suggest that I open with income proof after a solid title? Would a structure like that be better for validating my lack of experience?

Love to hear your thoughts on this.

[eSubmarine]

Originally Posted by Collette

So I click your sig, and what do I see?

"Why You'll Never Succeed Online"

About as negative a message as you can give to someone looking for info on how to make money online.

Same thing with your headline and intro. Negative, negative, negative.

And the slim hope you offer that you are the one to help me succeed?

I also quickly want to address what you said about the link in my sig. This is an unrelated website to the memebership site and the squeeze is just something I have been testing the last few weeks. I understand that negativity is not always the best angle to approach from. The squeeze itself is not actually my own design, it was part of a PLR product that I brought a few months ago and I thought I would test it as it was an interesting angle to take and I wanted to see if it worked.

When I launch the memebership site I will actually remove this squeeze, like I said its just something I was testing out of general interest.