[PROFESSIONAL SALES PAGE CRITIQUE] : Turn This Multi-Page Sales Letter Into a 10% Converter

[fut]

Several years of experience in my niche.

Countless hours of internet marketing research.

Meticulous editing of what I would consider 'professional.'

But will it convert?

[travlinguy]

Overall, it has a lot of potential. I think the headline is good right up until you get to the 100 Members thingy. No one will know what that means so make it clearer and more compelling and you might have a really good headline.

The next thing I'd suggest is that you follow the headline with a set of absolutely, undeniably, killer benefit-LOADED bullet points.Turn your best stuff to bullets and put them right up front. I believe that will get your video view count up there.

Hopefully your video is strong. I rarely look at video sales messages so I didn't check yours out. But I think you're off to a good start. Good luck.

[Ross James]

real quick:

Have you tried several different acne treatments with no long lasting results? Then it is time to try something that actually works.

Change to

If you have tried several different acne treatments with no long lasting results, then it's time to try something that actually works.

Best,


Ross

P.S. If I may ask, I see that it's a wordpress blog, what did you use to setup the membership part of it? I'm curious because I'd like to have a membership site in the near future. Skype me if you'd like to discuss your copy and membership site further.

[The Copy Nazi]

I'd cut to the chase. Head - "Here's How to Cure Your Acne Permanently" - then make the before and afters the "heros". With minimal copy under each. Should say "before" and "After 3 weeks" - or whatever time frame. Let them do all the work. They are the most powerful things you have.

I don't understand the "100 acne sufferers" BS. False scarcity? Whatever it is - lose it.

Piss off the video. Looks like something from Fiverr.

[Bruce Wedding]

I'm trying to tune to WIIFM but all I'm getting is static...

[fut]

Thanks for the feedback so far. I've already incorporated some changes that i'm happy about.

I look forward to more feedback!

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Overall, it has a lot of potential. I think the headline is good right up until you get to the 100 Members thingy. No one will know what that means so make it clearer and more compelling and you might have a really good headline.

The next thing I'd suggest is that you follow the headline with a set of absolutely, undeniably, killer benefit-LOADED bullet points.Turn your best stuff to bullets and put them right up front. I believe that will get your video view count up there.

Hopefully your video is strong. I rarely look at video sales messages so I didn't check yours out. But I think you're off to a good start. Good luck.

I'm glad you think it has potential!

I've changed the headlne with your thoughts in mind.

Added bullet points as well.


Thanks for your feedback.

Originally Posted by Ross James

real quick...
P.S If I may ask, I see that it's a wordpress blog, what did you use to setup the membership part of it? I'm curious because I'd like to have a membership site in the near future. Skype me if you'd like to discuss your copy and membership site further.

Changed to 'it's.' Thanks.

'If you' doesn't sound like a question, though. I'm game for any other ideas.

I use AMember. Works easily with Wordpress.

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

I'd cut to the chase. Head - "Here's How to Cure Your Acne Permanently" - then make the before and afters the "heros". With minimal copy under each. Should say "before" and "After 3 weeks" - or whatever time frame. Let them do all the work. They are the most powerful things you have.

I don't understand the "100 acne sufferers" BS. False scarcity? Whatever it is - lose it.

Piss off the video. Looks like something from Fiverr.

I liked your feedback about the headline. Agreed the b/as are my strongest selling point.

I'll test the video against some of my before/after pictures. You may be right that the video doesn't deserve to be there.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

I'm trying to tune to WIIFM but all I'm getting is static...

Hopefully now it's taken care of with the bullets.

[Ross James]

Originally Posted by fut

Changed to 'it's.' Thanks.

'If you' doesn't sound like a question, though. I'm game for any other ideas.

I use AMember. Works easily with Wordpress.

If you would love to finally feel what it's like to have the power, the confidence and the skill of a professional golfer not just a better golfer, but an honest-to-God professional then what you are about to discover here will change your life.

If then statements aren't anything new, see how it's used above? Why did you come here asking for help if you already have all of the answers?

facepalm.

-Ross

[fut]

Well now, you removed the question mark from your original feedback post, which makes it all the much clearer. I like it, thanks!

[Ross James]

Originally Posted by fut

Well now, you removed the question mark from your original feedback post, which makes it all the much clearer. I like it, thanks!

well slow down my computer is only so fast, it's old, from the late 90's .. it's a limited edition Pentium III.

[The Copy Nazi]

You "liked my feedback about the headline" and then you changed it to this rubbish? LOL

Here’s How to Cure Your Acne Permanently, Through a Unique Holistic Program You Won’t Find Anywhere Else in Existence



"You won't find anywhere else in existence"??? Redundant. You've already told us it's "unique" - meaning "single one of its kind". Try this -

Cure Your Acne Permanently

with a Unique Holistic Program

[fut]

Give me a second to soak in the scolding hot feedback.

MMM. It hurts, but it soothes at the same time.

[The Copy Nazi]

Sigh...some people just can't be helped. Have it your way. Try your latest headline. BUT - and its a BIG BUT (pun intended) - Before and Afters are most powerful when you put them side by side. "Before" on the Left - "After" on the Right.

No doubt you'll ignore this advice too. So I'm done.

[fut]

Copy Nazi, your jumping to conclusions. I'm going to be split testing every headline that is recommended here.

So far I have:

Discover How to Cure Your Acne Permanently Through a Unique Holistic Program Exclusive to the Members of the Focus:Acne Formula

Here’s How to Cure Your Acne Permanently, Through a Holistic Program You Won’t Find Anywhere Else in Existence

Here’s How to Cure Your Acne Permanently, Through a Unique Holistic Program No One Else Will Tell You About

Cure Your Acne Permanently
with a Unique Holistic Program

End the Breakouts, Heal the Scars, and Cure Your Acne Permanently With a Unique Holistic Method That Works From the Inside Out!


I've updated the before and afters, thanks for that tip! More tips please

If anyone has anymore headlines to test, please post them!

[Ross James]

Fut you seem like a friendly person but please for the love of god, listen up. If I were you and I created the OP in hopes to improve my god-awful sales page, this is what I'd do; I would take the headline TCN gave me, listened to what Bruce had to say and instead of split testing anything I'd start working on the offer.

Bruce said, WIIFM; that translates to say, what's in it for me? Don't worry about split testing the headline because you still have a lot more work to do. When you improve the offer, then start split testing the headline. Then I would come back here and thank them into oblivion for helping you make money for free. Does that make sense?

P.S. you got advice from the two people that I would pay to help me if I had plans to make any money online, but I'm not in your position, you need help, obviously that's why your here. Do your research. They are LIONS IN THIS GAME. Listen more, do more, and don't push back, you'll get more help that way. After all you came here looking for help right? That's right.

[fut]

Err, you're blowing it out of proportion. You're trying to 'sell your point' when you have nothing to complain about. Go join a debate team bro.

I AM incorporating the great feedback people are giving me. It turns out, I can't make use of two headline feedbacks at once. I can only split test the headline feedback I get.

I really do appreciate anyone who is giving constructive crticism. That includes the Copy Nazi, Bruce Wedding, and Travlinguy.. As for Ross James, stop licking others asses and go do something for yourself.

[travlinguy]

Okay, since things have developed a bit...

First, my suggestions were made with the assumption that the video was good. Mal says it's not. Good enough for me. The headline he's suggesting is also good. It's very direct and to the point. Are there better ones? Sure.

If this is what you're using:
Here’s How to Cure Your Acne Permanently, Through a Unique Holistic Program You Won’t Find Anywhere Else in Existence

It's almost as confusing as the first. Not really confusing, but bland. Forget about mentioning "holistic" in the headline. Save that for your bullets and written text.

I also agree with Mal about using the before and after pics up front. Follow them with your strong bullets and then get into your pitch. And as you do, continue to inject even more before and after and more benefit-driven bullets and product high points.

I strongly believe that if you use video you obviously need to make it good and you also need to provide links for people to read your pitch rather than be forced to look at video. Good luck.

[ASCW]

Hey man.

I may not be the "biggest gun" here on the forums.

But I'll take a closer look at your page and put together a video that should shed some light.

You can expect it in a few days or so.

Cheers

-Andy

[Collette]

Based on the B/A pics, it looks as though you may have something here. However:

-Headline is unwieldy and doesn't answer WIIFM. None of your proposed headlines answer WIIFM.

-The offer premise is weak. "Nutrition" is a "solution" that's been offered for years. So why is YOUR nutrition solution different? It's not because it's "holistic" or "organic" or "dietary", because those kinds of solutions have been offered before.

So what's unique or new about yours? You never explain. And the result is that I'm not convinced you've got anything to tell me that I haven't heard before.

- Your bullets are mostly features, not benefits. For example: "causes acne marks and scars to completely fade = WHAT? to me, as an acne sufferer? What are the emotional/physical benefits I get from fewer marks and scars? (and, BTW, sharpen your language. "completely fade" would - presumably -mean "disappear".)

- I don't understand the membership thing. Why do I have to be a "member" to learn how to clear my acne? Why can't I just pay you X$$, and get the information? You're not sending me products on a continuity program, so the membership seems weird and forced. And makes me suspicious.

- The copy keeps telling me that AcneFocus is completely different - but never gives me ANY proof that it is. HOW is it different? For example, if a key component of AcneFocus is to instruct me to eat a pound of chocolate a day as a way to clearer skin - that WOULD be different.

If you claim to be different, you'll need to provide me with some solid rationale for making the claim. This copy does not.

- "Join Now" or "Next Page"? Why is there a choice? Particularly since the next page tells me nothing new. You're just giving the reader more time and space to doubt your veracity.

- Basically, your selling point revolves around the premise that eating right will help get and keep clear skin. Yawn. Tell me something I don't know. Make me sit up and take notice. There is NOTHING new here, and therefore, nothing compelling.

- The copy seems to assume you're offering me access to diet and nutrition information. You're not. You're offering me the chance to feel handsome, beautiful, popular, desirable, normal... etc, etc.

I can get diet and nutrition information anywhere. If you want me interested, offer me something I can't get anywhere.

- Forget all the waffling in your headline, and get to the point. As an acne sufferer, I don't care if you have the most unique, most holistic, whatever since the dawn of time. (and no one else will tell me about this? Assuming they know? Pffft!? Plain unbelievable.)

As an acne sufferer, THIS is what I want: I want to know how to have beautifully soft, clear skin, and how to keep it that way for life.

Let your photos do the selling. They are the best thing you have going for you on this page.

I'd forget about the membership thing: it just doesn't make sense. Whatever they're getting in the membership they can get as a complete package. Throw in the support forum as a bonus.

Body copy needs a LOT of work. It's so vague that it's actually hurting the sale. You'd do better to just have your B/A photos, short captions, and a headline that says, "Do you want beautiful, clear skin like this? Here's how you get it:"

Good luck with it. Assuming your B/A photos are real, you have something people do want, and will buy.

[Ross James]

Originally Posted by fut

Err, you're blowing it out of proportion. You're trying to 'sell your point' when you have nothing to complain about. Go join a debate team bro.

I AM incorporating the great feedback people are giving me. It turns out, I can't make use of two headline feedbacks at once. I can only split test the headline feedback I get.

I really do appreciate anyone who is giving constructive crticism. That includes the Copy Nazi, Bruce Wedding, and Travlinguy.. As for Ross James, stop licking others asses and go do something for yourself.

Your not even funny. Stop trying to be your own doctor and take the advice that you'd rather think of as feedback and actually use it. Your offer sucks and I'm not the only one that thinks so. Lol have fun split testing your headlines.

[Johnny Danes]

I love the way you "keep it real".

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

I'd cut to the chase. Head - "Here's How to Cure Your Acne Permanently" - then make the before and afters the "heros". With minimal copy under each. Should say "before" and "After 3 weeks" - or whatever time frame. Let them do all the work. They are the most powerful things you have.

I don't understand the "100 acne sufferers" BS. False scarcity? Whatever it is - lose it.

Piss off the video. Looks like something from Fiverr.

[fut]

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Okay, since things have developed a bit...

First, my suggestions were made with the assumption that the video was good. Mal says it's not. Good enough for me. The headline he's suggesting is also good. It's very direct and to the point. Are there better ones? Sure.

If this is what you're using:
Here’s How to Cure Your Acne Permanently, Through a Unique Holistic Program You Won’t Find Anywhere Else in Existence

It's almost as confusing as the first. Not really confusing, but bland. Forget about mentioning "holistic" in the headline. Save that for your bullets and written text.

I also agree with Mal about using the before and after pics up front. Follow them with your strong bullets and then get into your pitch. And as you do, continue to inject even more before and after and more benefit-driven bullets and product high points.

I strongly believe that if you use video you obviously need to make it good and you also need to provide links for people to read your pitch rather than be forced to look at video. Good luck.

I'm glad you came back to help me move forward!

With your tips in mind i've:

Changed the headline to something more straight foward. Removing 'unique' from the headline would leave 'Cure Your Acne Permanently with a Program' which seems bland (which you said is no good) - so i've incorporated Mal's advice and added another strong benefit of 'curing acne.'

Cure Your Acne Permanently and Acheive the Confidence You Deserve

What do you think?

I'll remove all of those long + confusing headlines from any split testing I do.

I've also placed another before and after on top. Now having 3 before and after sets on the first page with no sub-par video to speak of.

Thanks again!

[fut]

Originally Posted by ASCW

Hey man.

I may not be the "biggest gun" here on the forums.

But I'll take a closer look at your page and put together a video that should shed some light.

You can expect it in a few days or so.

Cheers

-Andy

Andy. You the man! I really look forward to it.

[The Copy Nazi]

Still don't like the headline - "the confidence you deserve" but the layout is much better. BUT - spell it out (like i said before) on every shot. "Melanie before"..."Melanie after 3 weeks of Focus Acne Formula". Don't neglect the pics - they are very powerful.

You're getting there. Now go back and take note of what Collette says.

[fut]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Still don't like the headline - "the confidence you deserve" but the layout is much better. BUT - spell it out (like i said before) on every shot. "Melanie before"..."Melanie after 3 weeks of Focus Acne Formula". Don't neglect the pics - they are very powerful.

You're getting there. Now go back and take note of what Collette says.

Added captions to each set of before and after. A definite improvement! If that looks good to you, i'll make these changes throughout the website.

[fut]

Originally Posted by Collette

Based on the B/A pics, it looks as though you may have something here. However:

-Headline is unwieldy and doesn't answer WIIFM. None of your proposed headlines answer WIIFM.

-The offer premise is weak. "Nutrition" is a "solution" that's been offered for years. So why is YOUR nutrition solution different? It's not because it's "holistic" or "organic" or "dietary", because those kinds of solutions have been offered before.

So what's unique or new about yours? You never explain. And the result is that I'm not convinced you've got anything to tell me that I haven't heard before.

- Your bullets are mostly features, not benefits. For example: "causes acne marks and scars to completely fade = WHAT? to me, as an acne sufferer? What are the emotional/physical benefits I get from fewer marks and scars? (and, BTW, sharpen your language. "completely fade" would - presumably -mean "disappear".)

- I don't understand the membership thing. Why do I have to be a "member" to learn how to clear my acne? Why can't I just pay you X$$, and get the information? You're not sending me products on a continuity program, so the membership seems weird and forced. And makes me suspicious.

- The copy keeps telling me that AcneFocus is completely different - but never gives me ANY proof that it is. HOW is it different? For example, if a key component of AcneFocus is to instruct me to eat a pound of chocolate a day as a way to clearer skin - that WOULD be different.

If you claim to be different, you'll need to provide me with some solid rationale for making the claim. This copy does not.

- "Join Now" or "Next Page"? Why is there a choice? Particularly since the next page tells me nothing new. You're just giving the reader more time and space to doubt your veracity.

- Basically, your selling point revolves around the premise that eating right will help get and keep clear skin. Yawn. Tell me something I don't know. Make me sit up and take notice. There is NOTHING new here, and therefore, nothing compelling.

- The copy seems to assume you're offering me access to diet and nutrition information. You're not. You're offering me the chance to feel handsome, beautiful, popular, desirable, normal... etc, etc.

I can get diet and nutrition information anywhere. If you want me interested, offer me something I can't get anywhere.

- Forget all the waffling in your headline, and get to the point. As an acne sufferer, I don't care if you have the most unique, most holistic, whatever since the dawn of time. (and no one else will tell me about this? Assuming they know? Pffft!? Plain unbelievable.)

As an acne sufferer, THIS is what I want: I want to know how to have beautifully soft, clear skin, and how to keep it that way for life.

Let your photos do the selling. They are the best thing you have going for you on this page.

I'd forget about the membership thing: it just doesn't make sense. Whatever they're getting in the membership they can get as a complete package. Throw in the support forum as a bonus.

Body copy needs a LOT of work. It's so vague that it's actually hurting the sale. You'd do better to just have your B/A photos, short captions, and a headline that says, "Do you want beautiful, clear skin like this? Here's how you get it:"

Good luck with it. Assuming your B/A photos are real, you have something people do want, and will buy.

First off, the pictures are real - and I truly feel this will be something revolutionary in my market. I guess what I need is a copywriter who can help me portray that in my writing!

These were some very helpful tips. With your thoughts in mind, i've:

Changed the headline to some words you used. So far it's my favorite!

Changed the main bullet points to mostly emotional triggers.

Attempted to make my product feature bullet points more unique and compelling (see Inside the members area you'll find)

The 'difference' approach I took was being different from dermatologists or any skin care companies as this is what 95% of acne sufferers seek out for treatment. It will probably prove beneficial to clearly show why this 'nutritional approach' is different then any other 'health plan' out there, as well. It'll take some brainstorming, give me some time to figure out the right ideas.

I've also considered scrapping the other pages (next page) - or atleast make it less obvious that there is more info. This will take some more brainstorming as well.

The whole members business model - I'd like to truly know if it's

1) Worth it to raise my price from $100 a month to $250-$300 and sell as a one time thing
2) Sell for $300 total in $100 a month intervals, cancel anytime , free for life after 3 months.
3) Keep as is $100 a month for as long as your a member.

You're probably right that #3 (what I have now) will hurt initial conversions the most, but which will have the largest bottom line?

I guess that's something i'll need to test.

Thanks for all these great tips, Collette. These pointers made some immediate improvements in my sales letter and will continue to add value as I refine it further.

[The Copy Nazi]

Originally Posted by fut

Added captions to each set of before and after. A definite improvement! If that looks good to you, i'll make these changes throughout the website.

Much much better. Bravo. Now you just need to clean up the rest of it and test the bastard.

[fut]

I'd like to make a shout out to The Copy Nazi, Travlinguy, Bruce Wedding, and Collette for helping me to improve my sales letter so far.

I'll make note that my expertise lies specifically in e-Commerce, Automated Link Building, and SEO in general. If you guys would like to discuss any of that, feel free to PM.

This goes for anyone else who is willing to take their time to offer something of value to this thread.

Thanks again!

[Daniel Scott]

You don't need to tweak that. You need to completely re-write it.

You're not going to fix the problems others have pointed out by changing a few words around. You need to scrap it and start again.

And when you do, you need to make it exciting, believable, and convey those emotional benefits.

-Daniel

[fut]

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

You don't need to tweak that. You need to completely re-write it.

You're not going to fix the problems others have pointed out by changing a few words around. You need to scrap it and start again.

And when you do, you need to make it exciting, believable, and convey those emotional benefits.

-Daniel

Daniel - thanks for keeping it real.

When i first read your response, I thought 'err, really?' - so i went back and re read over everyone's points, most notably Collette as he has the most feedback that I have not yet fully implemented.

Things he said that are still resonating with me:

Originally Posted by Collette

The copy keeps telling me that AcneFocus is completely different - but never gives me ANY proof that it is. HOW is it different? For example, if a key component of AcneFocus is to instruct me to eat a pound of chocolate a day as a way to clearer skin - that WOULD be different.

If you claim to be different, you'll need to provide me with some solid rationale for making the claim. This copy does not.

Body copy needs a LOT of work. It's so vague that it's actually hurting the sale.

That being said, the 2nd page goes a little deeper into how it's actually different. Perhaps I should throw that onto the first page of the sales page (and possibly scrap all other pages?)

And perhaps the two blue comparison charts are just plain too vague and hurting more than helping. Maybe they should be scrapped, or moved onto another page?

What say you Copywriters?

[ewenmack]

Fut,

For a start, Collette is a lady, not a man.

Secondly, you are having trouble turning features into benefits.

Dig up the post on Clayton Makepeace's site on the subject,
using the search bar.

All the best,
Ewen

[Daniel Scott]

If you want to write your own copy, you need to work at learning to write copy.

Right now you're like someone who is seeing a guitar for the first time trying to play a Santana solo... ain't gonna happen.

Spend a few months working on your copy chops and try again... OR pay someone to do it for you.

Those are your options at this point.
-Daniel

[fut]

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Fut,

For a start, Collette is a lady, not a man.

Secondly, you are having trouble turning features into benefits.

Dig up the post on Clayton Makepeace's site on the subject,
using the search bar.

All the best,
Ewen

Features into benefits, got it. Thanks for reference.

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

If you want to write your own copy, you need to work at learning to write copy.

Right now you're like someone who is seeing a guitar for the first time trying to play a Santana solo... ain't gonna happen.

Spend a few months working on your copy chops and try again... OR pay someone to do it for you.

Those are your options at this point.
-Daniel

Understood. My plan is to make this sales page as good as I can using the feedback i'm getting, then hire 3 different copywriters from here and split test their versions.

I look forward to any other valuable feedback!

[ASCW]

Originally Posted by fut

Features into benefits, got it. Thanks for reference.




Understood. My plan is to make this sales page as good as I can using the feedback i'm getting, then hire 3 different copywriters from here and split test their versions.

I look forward to any other valuable feedback!

If you have the money to hire 3 different copywriters (assuming you are going to do it right and not skimp by hiring cheap hundred dollar writers)

Then you're probably better off just hiring somebody immediately. You'll save so much in time and effort. Plus if you are in a position to hire experienced hands, you might as well get this thing out the door and rolling as fast as possible.

No reason to twiddle your thumbs when serious money can be made.

[Collette]

Originally Posted by fut

...The whole members business model - I'd like to truly know if it's

1) Worth it to raise my price from $100 a month to $250-$300 and sell as a one time thing
2) Sell for $300 total in $100 a month intervals, cancel anytime , free for life after 3 months.
3) Keep as is $100 a month for as long as your a member.

You're probably right that #3 (what I have now) will hurt initial conversions the most, but which will have the largest bottom line?

I guess that's something i'll need to test.

....

I think your suggested price points are ambitious.

I'd suggest a one-time purchase below $50, include say, 4 - 6 months of email or forum support, add a few decent supporting bonuses, put the whole thing up on Clickbank, and be on your way.

Frankly, I just don't see the membership being a selling point. More to the point, I think it will hurt your sales. There simply isn't enough value there to justify it.

Acne sufferers are 'desperate buyers'. They want a cure, and they want it yesterday. 'Monthly Membership' - to me, at least - implies that your solution does NOT offer a sure-fire cure. I don't want to futz around for months on end. I want clear skin NOW. And I DON'T want to have this problem 6 months or a year from now. So why would I need a 'monthly membership' for this cure?

The concept just raises doubts that you don't need.

[Ross James]

I think the deepest structure of the problem here is that the OP doesn't want to open his wallet and hire a copywriter.

Sometimes, especially in business when money and your own time is involved, you never want to risk being your own brain surgeon by trying to diagnose and prescribe your own sales outcomes. Especially not when your specialized in other things like creating a product, doing backlinks, SEO, article submissions, etc. etc.

That's when it makes sense that you hire a copywriter, the brain surgeon to your sales funnel. Why not just hire one copywriter instead of three and skip all of the headache? Not that we're headaches, jus' sayin.

Best,

Ross

P.S. Lots of valuable information in this thread, if nothing else use it.

[fut]

Originally Posted by Collette

I think your suggested price points are ambitious.

I'd suggest a one-time purchase below $50, include say, 4 - 6 months of email or forum support, add a few decent supporting bonuses, put the whole thing up on Clickbank, and be on your way.

Frankly, I just don't see the membership being a selling point. More to the point, I think it will hurt your sales. There simply isn't enough value there to justify it.

Acne sufferers are 'desperate buyers'. They want a cure, and they want it yesterday. 'Monthly Membership' - to me, at least - implies that your solution does NOT offer a sure-fire cure. I don't want to futz around for months on end. I want clear skin NOW. And I DON'T want to have this problem 6 months or a year from now. So why would I need a 'monthly membership' for this cure?

The concept just raises doubts that you don't need.

Convincing argument. Check PM.

[fut]

Originally Posted by ASCW

If you have the money to hire 3 different copywriters (assuming you are going to do it right and not skimp by hiring cheap hundred dollar writers)

Then you're probably better off just hiring somebody immediately. You'll save so much in time and effort. Plus if you are in a position to hire experienced hands, you might as well get this thing out the door and rolling as fast as possible.

No reason to twiddle your thumbs when serious money can be made.

You're right. Spend money to make money.

Any copywriters who have a particular interest in this job can contact me via PM.

Thanks

[fut]

Originally Posted by Ross James

Your not even funny. Stop trying to be your own doctor and take the advice that you'd rather think of as feedback and actually use it. Your offer sucks and I'm not the only one that thinks so. Lol have fun split testing your headlines.

Originally Posted by Ross James

Warning. OP cannot handle the truth!

Originally Posted by Ross James

I think the deepest structure of the problem here is that the OP doesn't want to open his wallet and hire a copywriter.

You're wrong - again, again, and again.

Could you contribute something of value to this thread instead of being negative all the time?

Your correspondence in this thread makes me lose respect for you. Others may feel the same way. Keep your image in check.

Atleast try not to be a douchebag.

[Ross James]

Originally Posted by fut

Well now, you removed the question mark from your original feedback post, which makes it all the much clearer. I like it, thanks!

Are you so positive that I'm the one being a douchebag? I'm trying to help you, I've been trying the whole time, just like everyone else in this thread.. You called me something derogatory, something like to lick people where the sun dont shine? Lol what?

Stay Classy,

Ross

[Nick Brighton]

Originally Posted by fut

Features into benefits, got it. Thanks for reference.


Understood. My plan is to make this sales page as good as I can using the feedback i'm getting, then hire 3 different copywriters from here and split test their versions.

I look forward to any other valuable feedback!

Hey Fut,

Sorry if this doesn't contribute much, but why bother getting a critique here, if your intention is to hire three copywriters?

Surely you're just delaying the inevitable? Why waste your own time - and everyone else's time - by getting critiques for a piece that you're not going to use anyway?

Bit confused about that.

[Nick Brighton]

Oh, there was one thing I'd suggest on top of everyone else's suggestions:

Is it possible to reshoot the "after" photos?

The reason I ask is because those guinea pigs look as miserable - if not more miserable - than they did before.

The whole idea is to show people not just the clinical results, but how much happier they'll be afterwards.

Think = social environments, cuddled up with a partner, on a beach, smiling from ear to ear and looking people in the eye in public etc.

Take a look at the weight loss before and afters. Afterwards, they're always grinning from ear to ear, well tanned, wearing less, and looking like they're having the time of their lives.

THAT is the ultimate benefit imagery you want to get across to people, and with a simple picture, you can say those thousand words visually, and shorten your copy in the process.

[ASCW]

As promised man here are the videos

Part 1:

YouTube - Sales Letter Critique Part 1.mp4

Part 2:

YouTube - Sales Letter Critique Part 2.mp4

Part 3:

YouTube - Sales Letter Critique Part 3.mp4

[fut]

Dude. WONDERFUL.

I'm just going through it now. Check your PM later.

[tonydbaker]

Acne sufferers already know the pain of not taking action. However, like most people, to get them to actually take action, you have to put emphasis on the pain of not taking action.

Do you have any photos of people who waited too long to treat their acne? I know my brother has permanent acne scars that you can still see even though he's now 41 years old.

Too-late photos, then something like: You can't keep putting this off. You must take action now with one of these methods. Which one will it be? (then your big chart of different options.)

On the true value of the program. "Prom" photos, senior pictures, photos with kids going to college (assuming most clients are under 25) you have plenty of room left in the right column.

Just some random ideas! I hope this helps.

- Tony

[Valtan]

Great job guys,.. I am learning a lot!
Thanks