First Clickbank Sales Page/Letter - Critiques appreciated

[Greg Stack]

Hello smart people!
I'm working on my first ClickBank product, and am in the "Sales Letter" Phase (I'm growing accustomed to incorrect Usage of Caps and Quotes, but I digress, already..)

As you will see, I am not yet 50% complete, so there are some obvious elements missing (no Buy Damn You Buttons yet, no PPPPSs, et.) The sales video will be expanded and WON'T be on YouTube (probably AMZ S3)

I suppose what I am most interested in hearing second opinions about, would be concerning the "letter" portion of the page and the following section, where I went in a different direction. Rather than going with the typical checklist, I did something a bit different. I like it, but I'm thinking, well, this could really blow air, and I'm too close to the forest to see those Maples and Oaks.

So, anyone that would take the time to have a look and give me an opinion would be appreciated. Overall, I'm happy with what I have thus far, but am open to advice, and I have a thick skin.
Here's the URL: TrafficTorrent
Thanks in advance,

Greg

[abs007]

hi - ive just checked your site - i think the wording is fine - jut maybe change the font or the color for eye catching areas such as - traffic is cash - traffic is king

i think it would also be great if you wrote a line or 2 about a problem that your targeted audiance face and how your system will solve that problem -

Other then that I think your page just requires some good css styling -

I need to scroll from left to right

thanks

[Net66]

I think the biggest issue right now is that unless I maximise on my wide screen the page doesn't fit. Not a problem if you have a machine with high resolution but you'd be surprised how many users still have 800 x 600 screen resolution.

The video is OK as a teaser but watching it once I get to your site it didn't really tell me much other than you are offering 3 manuals and 8 videos and its something about traffic.

The font of the paragraphs you do have written isn't easy on the eyes. Impact is great for headlines but for reading a chunk of text it was actually quite hard going (even though it had the benefit that I could read it without my glasses lol).

Andy

[AdwordsMogul]

Hello Greg,

Congratulations on getting your first product out.

Here are some tips I think you will find useful.

1. You said you wanted to try something different... that may not be the best move at this stage.

Right now, the screen is covered with graphics and the video, you will not be able to grab a buyer's attention with that.

That's because the colors you are using are hard to read.

2. Even though the the opening graphics text is "clever" you don't immediately get the benefit. The word torrent itself is confusing. I know you have a great concept there, however the first bit of your copy should be as simple as possible.

3. Your headline... is a bit to vague. Are your customers complete newbies? If that's the case it might work. On the other hand, more experienced buyers already know what you are saying in your headline.

In that case, being more specific about how your products will help them will be a much better option.

4. Your video is nice, but it's not really doing any selling for you. You might want to leave it out for now.

5. As the previous poster mentioned, you may want to do some CSS reformatting. The bold font makes your site look less credible. It's a bit like you trying to shout.

6. The words in your copy make a promise but there is nothing that proves that what you are selling works. As you said you are not done so you'll probably get to all that later.

7. The graphics are too heave and make your site take too long to load. You will most likely experience better results if you replace them with text.

All in all, keeping it simple. In the beginning sticking to what has proven to work is usually the best thing to do. And then you might want to experiment later.

All the best!

[The Copy Nazi]

Horror-show. Complete nightmare to read. Glaring blue background. Hard-to-read shadow font on a dud headline. Body copy bolded. Topped off with a jumble of banners competing with each other to be read.

Not to forget the over-the-top rock clip-style video that really adds nothing to the pitch.

[Oxbloom]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Horror-show. Complete nightmare to read. Glaring blue background. Hard-to-read shadow font on a dud headline. Body copy bolded. Topped off with a jumble of banners competing with each other to be read.

Not to forget the over-the-top rock clip-style video that really adds nothing to the pitch.

Mal's dead bang here.

I'm only quoting him instead of re-writing exactly the same things myself. Hope you give it a little extra credence with another voice chiming in.

[Collette]

Originally Posted by SwiftKickMedia

...
...I like it, but I'm thinking, well, this could really blow air, and I'm too close to the forest to see those Maples and Oaks.

...Overall, I'm happy with what I have thus far, but am open to advice, and I have a thick skin.

Greg

Greg - Before I say anything, what is it about this page that you like? It's obviously not the usual Clickbank-style letter, and I'm curious to know what your thought process was behind some of these choices.

I'd like to help, but I'd also like to understand your reasoning first.

[sean-john]

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Horror-show. Complete nightmare to read. Glaring blue background. Hard-to-read shadow font on a dud headline. Body copy bolded. Topped off with a jumble of banners competing with each other to be read.

Not to forget the over-the-top rock clip-style video that really adds nothing to the pitch.

took the words out of my mouth, if you dont know how to create good looking pages its much better to either outsource or get a good template to work on.

[AnneE]

I liked the first little bit of the video, but then it became repetitive in terms of watching the patterns -- too much style and not enough substance.

I would need to understand how what you are offering works. Sure maybe you can't spill all the secrets, but is it based on PPC? social media? How did you come across the genius idea that you are offering?

You would need testimonials too. If you don't have any, then you need to offer some review copies and try to get real feedback. You don't want the generic "this is value-packed" or "he really over-delivers with this product" What makes me want to buy is someone saying --

I had invested a year of my life creating this product, then despite all my SEO efforts, I had almost no traffic and about 3 sales a month. But one month after I bought and installed Traffic Torrent, I had 3 sales a day and the next month, I had 10 sales a day. Thank God for Traffic Torrent.

(actually the above testimonial is one I wish I could write for a product, the first part is true.... so let me know if you want me to give it a try)

Also, in terms of providing a glimpse of how Traffic Torrent works -- I'd want to know, will it take a lot of time for me to setup or learn how to use it? How quickly will I see results?

I need details of what I am getting.

Hope this helps.

[Greg Stack]

Wow,
Thanks for all the feedback thus far. I would have responded earlier, but was expecting to receive an email each time there was a post to the thread.

At any rate, the input is appreciated. It appears I need to tone the horror show down a bit, lol, lay off the Impact font. Believe it or not, the font is not in bold. What I think is I need to ditch NVU and make the move to Dreamweaver.

Please note, the vid is not complete, just the intro.
Does anyone like the boxes/banners in the bottom section, or is it just an assault on the eye?

[ASCW]

Originally Posted by SwiftKickMedia

Wow,
Thanks for all the feedback thus far. I would have responded earlier, but was expecting to receive an email each time there was a post to the thread.

At any rate, the input is appreciated. It appears I need to tone the horror show down a bit, lol, lay off the Impact font. Believe it or not, the font is not in bold. What I think is I need to ditch NVU and make the move to Dreamweaver.

Please note, the vid is not complete, just the intro.
Does anyone like the boxes/banners in the bottom section, or is it just an assault on the eye?

You are focused on the wrong things.

You need to stop thinking about banners, vids, or software. And start focusing on the actual bulk of your copy.



Ditch the video, because it doesn't do a damn thing to help your pitch

Ditch the banners and graphics, because it doesn't do a damn thing to help your pitch

Have good copy with real substance, and then make it easy to read. Because currently your copy doesn't really do anything...

Hire a copywriter, because this thing misses the mark by miles.

[Greg Stack]

Thanks again for the input. I have sent a couple of PM's.
In case I failed to mention this, the video is not complete, so currently, it does not represent its final state. Although, I will not be replacing it with a poorly dressed fat guy sitting at his desk bitching about gurus.

[AlexDawson]

The design is going to make most people click away immediately. The colours are much too harsh, and the Impact font is downright painful. It's as though you opened a door and had a large mob of very big, very loud, and very drunk clowns leap out at you.

And, unfortunately, the billboard-style bullets just don't work, either. It seems like a cluttered, confused mess, and it's difficult to pick out anything from the overload of different things screaming for your attention.

When you write a sales letter - or most any writing, really - you try to make the reader's job as easy as possible. The same thing applies to a sales page. You want to make it easy for the reader to understand what your offer is, and how it will benefit them.

When lots of elements are crowded together like this, the reader gets confused. People don't like to be confused, and they will just leave the site.

I watched the video, because you asked us to. But honestly, if I had been an ordinary visitor to the site, I would have left right away.

The video isn't all that bad, visually. But it's much too long for such limited content, and it doesn't advance the sale. Every element of your sales letter should work towards advancing the sale. Don't do something just because it looks cool, or whatever. Only do it if it helps bring the reader closer to the decision to purchase.

You need to tone the whole page down and think about the experience of the reader. What do they need to know to make a purchase? How can you help them make that decision?

That's what you should be focusing on, instead of banners and fonts.

[Warren.Richards]

@ SwiftKickMedia,

I have seen your copy and your starting line is good.

Some points I would like to share

1) Emphasis on torment more than the whole sentence by bolding it and leaving rest of the sentence to normal. This will trigger your prospects emotions.

2) Please don't bold every word of your copy. Just decorate only the important words of your copy that can trigger any kind of positive emotion (emotion that can help you sell). Remember, emotion sells.

3) Please use light color in background and impacting color in your copy. The big blue is hitting your readers eyeballs.

4) it is right that picture speaks more than words, but that completely depend upon the receiver. Don't take the risk in your first copy.

5) Short your title after the video. Divide them in two if you can.

6) Start your Title with an action verb. This will really help you.

Hope this will help you.

Warren.