Please Critique This Website (Foreclosure Prospects) ... Does It Have The Slippery Slide Effect?

[Zeal4Life]

Hey gang!

Its Phil again.

Here's an update to our site...well, the graphics, like image copy of the ebook, and layout may still need some help (Should have my web guy take care of that...).

I'm more concerned about your feedback on the actual copy...Please choose which sub head works best and your feedback on "slippery slide" effect.

Viola! www.rapidhousesolutions.com/Test1

Thanks for the feedback in advance.

Phil.

P.S. - Some people asked earlier about Jim. Jim is my business partner that's going to be handling product fulfillment and customer service related stuff.

[travlinguy]

Hi Phil
You might be more concerned with the copy itself but I think you need to first be concerned with the headline and subs because if they don't grab the reader the rest doesn't matter.

The headline is way too long and cumbersome. I'd use either 'high school dropout' or 'single mom' but not both. I'd probably go with single mom. I'd also leave the lender's name out of the headline. You can mention it in the body of the text or even the sub but I'd keep it out of the headline.

As for the subs, the first is a little weird. "Throwing Your Couch And Family Pictures On The Sidewalk..."

I realize stuff like this happens from time to time but, throwing your couch? I don't know. Also, since this isn't a quote there's no need for the quotation mark or the dot dot dot ... thingy at the end. This is WAY overused and more often than not it's misused. The dots imply more has been said but has been left out of the copy.

The second sub header is a little better but not much. I'd say back to the drawing board on all of this copy. Good Luck!

[colmodwyer]

From what I can see from the headline and first few paragraphs you really aren't playing on fear at all, which is the dominant emotion here...

Fear of losing your home.

Fear of losing all the money you've paid off thus far for nothing.

Fear of where will you go, what will you do...

Fear of being out on the streets (in the winter)

Fear for their family

etc

Instead you open with being on hold, not having anyone to speak to at the bank etc. For someone going through foreclosure, that's a frustration sure, but it's not the dominant conversation going on in their head right now. That's what I'd assume anyway.

I mean can you imagine losing everything you own, possibly facing life on the streets? That's the problem.

Not having anyone help you, and banks (the enemy) that screw you around... That's the agitation.

Colm

[Zeal4Life]

Thank you guys for your feedback.

@ travlinguy - You're right. Maybe the single mom, high school drop thingy is too much. I'm sticking with the 'single mom'.

The second sub-head is my preference, even though my business partner thinks its TOO much fear. I'm sticking to the second sub-head.

@ colmodwyer - You're spot on. Fear is the dominant emotion for most homeowners facing foreclosure. Where to go, Embarrassment and all that.

We're going to re-work the beginning the copy, especially above the fold.

Thanks again guys.

[Loren Woirhaye]

Joe Sugarman is the "slippery slide" guy and he usually
writes real short headlines - often cusriosity ones... but
he has a picture of the product too so you can tell
at a glance.

You pull a gender switch - in fact going from 3rd person (her)
to 2nd person (you) to 1st person (Jim Coates) - a little
confusing.

Fear of public humiliation is a big one... but I think maybe if
you thrust that upon the reader she will want to shut down
and move on... so be subtle with it.

You can honestly pull out that hoary cliche "then this will
be the most important thing you've ever read" here too.

I didn't read the whole letter but I would try to offer a real
"taste" of the information you are selling - so readers can
say "wow, they really want to help people"

You can also be a public hero - like Dr. Julian Whitaker, et. al.

This letter could use a lot of credibility-boosting things like
charts, graphs, and numbers too.

As often happens there is a strong, direct headline hiding
in the body copy:
"Foreclosure "Bail Out" Techniques That Bankers' Don't Want The Public To Know"

easily shortened to "The Foreclosure "Bail Out" Secret Bankers Don't Want You To Know"

[Vin_J]

Could be quite a bit "slippery-er".

I think this would work better from a star, story, solution angle.

All the bullets "do you think..." are breaking the flow too much

[Zeal4Life]

@Loren - You were one of the warriors I was "secretly" hoping would give me feedback on the site

Thanks for your feedback. Its so funny how you pulled out a potentially great headline in the stack of copy.

I'll definitely apply your suggestions on giving users a taste of what's "inside".

On graphs/charts: What kind of info could you suggest I display beyond the stats on how many foreclosures there are out there - I think there's enough already done by the media (nothing new there).

So, could you please shoot me some info on what kind of info to graph or chart out? Thanks in advance.

@Vin_J - I'm gonna cut back a lot more on the ...
The star, story, solution is "buried" in the copy - when I talked about how the lady was able to apply the techniques suggested.

I will work on bringing out that "story" in the copy.

Thanks again guys!