Something Quick I threw together

[yankforlife41]

Hey,

Just released a Hockey Address List in my niche. Tell me what you think of the copy.

Ultimate Hockey Address List

Thanks

Mike

[Ross James]

straight away...I feel lost...no hook...actually the main hook is smaller in print than the sub-hook. Why is that?

Also you failed to create a story - address the problem/fear, agitate, provide the solution.

I didn't actually watch the testimonial in fear of my subconsciousness being compromised - but if it's good i'd put it above the part where you show all the cards... are those actually your cards you've gotten using this method? That's one objection you failed to overcome...

I want you as my customer, plain and simple. Why? Because I know after you buy this list you'll be back for more.

But why? What's in it for me? This kills it completely, if they even read up to this point

there is more...i'll let someone else pick it up...

-Ross

[ARSuarez]

Your lead-in (about getting them to sign anything) isn't terrible.

The headline isn't horrific, either. Nothing amazing. But you definitely should have DECK COPY here, expanding on the benefits of the headline.

"Yours in just 5 minutes...

The Physical Mailing Addresses of Superstar Hockey Players... Ready And Willing To Autograph Any Merchandise You Send Them... For Just $1!"

Forget the $100 - $500 you would pay at an autograph signing. For the price of a postage stamp and packaging, you can have pucks, hockey sticks... Whatever you want... autographed by guys like <dude> and <Dude> and <Dude>.

Find out how in my brief message below..."

Get rid of the list of things at the beginning. It confused me.

Stop using the word "charge" so liberally. It reminds me of a credit card. And wanting to remind your prospect of his credit cards - namely, the $6,000 in debt he has - is not a good idea.

There are a few other things, but they are too numerous to get into.

Go straight for the jugular here. Don't hint and tease - tell them flat out, "Hey, you would pay $500 smackaroos to get autographs from these guys normally. But if you send the stuff straight to their home addresses, they'll sign them for nothing.

And I'll give you those addresses - which took me HOURS of research - for less than the price of a hockey stick."

All the best,

Angel

[Ross James]

I'd just like to say one more thing in hindsight to my brutally honest post, that I trimmed away at after... I love hockey and I like your spin to a product with it... If you get the copy right.. you'll tap into a market that I never knew existed before reading this letter. Hats off Mike, for your age you've done more than I could of even dreamed of doing back then.. Goodluck

-Ross

[yankforlife41]

Hey Guys, I appreciate the help, working on it right now!

[Nicholas Spear]

Hi that was a bit brutal - the chap asked for comments and guidance - obviously he knew it was not super affiliate/internet marketing copy or he would not have asked - there is such a thing a persuading and coercion and even guidance when a call for help is given – or am I being touchy feely here and have to get used to the smack him in face critical reviews?

[Pusateri]

Originally Posted by Nicholas Spear

Hi that was a bit brutal - the chap asked for comments and guidance - obviously he knew it was not super affiliate/internet marketing copy or he would not have asked - there is such a thing a persuading and coercion and even guidance when a call for help is given – or am I being touchy feely here and have to get used to the smack him in face critical reviews?

Brutal honesty in a critique is a gift. Failure is even more brutal.

Everyone who asks for a critique is presumably a grown-up and should be able to handle opinions with the bark still on. The world of marketing isn't a pink tea.

[ARSuarez]

Originally Posted by Nicholas Spear

Hi that was a bit brutal - the chap asked for comments and guidance - obviously he knew it was not super affiliate/internet marketing copy or he would not have asked - there is such a thing a persuading and coercion and even guidance when a call for help is given – or am I being touchy feely here and have to get used to the smack him in face critical reviews?

I find that overtly delicate critiques seldom penetrate deep enough for the person to act on them.

Clayton Makepeace tells the story of how Dan Rosenthal was a BRUTAL copy critic. When clayton sent him a piece once, he said, "Well, this is some limp dick copy, isn't it?"

Dan Rosenthal also did numerous critiques for Gary Bencivenga early in his career.

We can see how that worked out for Gary, can't we?

Best,

Angel

[Ross James]

Originally Posted by Nicholas Spear

Hi that was a bit brutal - the chap asked for comments and guidance - obviously he knew it was not super affiliate/internet marketing copy or he would not have asked - there is such a thing a persuading and coercion and even guidance when a call for help is given – or am I being touchy feely here and have to get used to the smack him in face critical reviews?

You should of seen what I took away and I only took it away because the OP as I remember it, is a teenager. A brutally honest crit will stick longer because love is fickle but fear is constant... Also when he goes to rewrite , he will have anchored a response hopefully to the parts I ripped apart. Again going back to the fear.

Best

Ross

[Ken_Caudill]

That's a lot of copy for a dollar close. Try using a classified ad that goes to an order form.

I'm not kidding or being derisive.

I think that would work just fine.

[Ken_Caudill]

Originally Posted by Pusateri

Brutal honesty in a critique is a gift. Failure is even more brutal.

Everyone who asks for a critique is presumably a grown-up and should be able to handle opinions with the bark still on. The world of marketing isn't a pink tea.

Damned right. It's chai tea and latte.

[Reuben Gene]

One thing I can recommend is to use more subheadings. Think of them as mini headlines, the reinforce curiosity and interest, and get the reader to keep reading.

Also, it's a proven fact that captions under pictures get read 10x more than any other copy. Don't neglect to sell in these.

[yankforlife41]

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

That's a lot of copy for a dollar close. Try using a classified ad that goes to an order form.

I'm not kidding or being derisive.

I think that would work just fine.

It's $16.97 the list, the dollar is how much it costs to send something out with my product.