Warriors: You Made Me Bleed. I've Healed - And I'm Back For More!

[derekmichael02]

Special thanks to the Warriors who shredded my first sales page.

It hurt - I'm not gonna lie. But I set pride aside, rolled up my sleeves, took their input, did some homework, and got back to work.

It's better.

So now I need to get whipped again...

Fortune Fiverr Hundred

HURT ME!

[Mr Marketer]

Not a fan of the border, header definitely needs a professional touch, and your content is too close together. Needs to breath a bit.

Just an idea here but you should run a "launch promotion" price of just a "Fiver"

[dkaos]

To me, Fortune 5er Hundred isn't a smooth product name. It's jerky to say and read and just doesn't work! But what would I know, I'm only now trying to launch my first e-book.

[ASCW]

Hey how's it going.

Took a quick look at your page.

Here is a list of things you need to change immediately.

1) Ditch the banner - it does not help you at all. In fact it actively hinders you, as it drags the eye away from the headline for no reason.

2) Clean up the headline. Could be more clear and crisp.
""How to put $730 in your pocket in 30 days making money online with jobs that require five minutes each and ZERO experience...""
to
"How to make money online and put $730 in your pocket in 30 day with jobs that require fives minutes or less. Even if you have no experience."
Or something similar. I'm sure it could be better with more time and thought put into multiple variations

3) "his technique is perfect for anyone who needs to make a couple extra hundred dollars per month. "

How many? Change to "...who wants to make between "X" and "Y" dollars per month."

4)
"So, I'll skip the "product feature" mumbo jumbo and tell you in simple terms what this will do for you."
Change to
"Here's what PRODUCT NAME will do for you."

5)
Why do you say "This is what it will do for you"
and then immediately say "You'll"?
Why does it go from what the product will do for me, to me working?
Also change you'll to you will.

6)
Change "My simple twist" to "This simple twist" or "this simple secret"

7) Rewrite the following line. "A complete newbie can implement it, and I back that with a ridiculous DOUBLE-YOUR-MONEY-BACK guarantee!!"


I gave your sales page a once over and nearly every line has something that should be changed. And that is only counting the simple changes.

I'm short on time - so I gotta cut myself off right now.

Best of luck to you.
-Andy

P.S. GET RID OF THAT PRODUCT NAME IMMEDIATELY!!!

[scrofford]

I got bored and clicked away right after your intro. I think you need to make the copy more exciting. It's boring. I think the headline needs work to. It's ok, but should be needs work. The product name isn't smooth...I would change that too.

[Aemilia]

You sure improved. Better than your first. However, take the recommendations above to good use. Another tip: when you write or assemble, put yourself in the position of the reader, it helps. Be critical and always assess your work first.
Wish you success!

[tun80]

Derek, those boys didn't cut you deep enough last time.

There's a lot wrong with the page, and I agree with what's been said already. There's nothing to make me want to read the page.

You can look through the majority of posts on the copy forum and pick up some helpful tips, because a lot of the problems you've got are the same as everyone else's.

Without knowing where you plan on getting your traffic from, it's hard to know who you're pitching to. People who already know Fiverr and are looking for it... or people who have no idea what the hell Fiverr is, and you want to pitch them something fresh.

Need to figure out your target first.

Then, concentrate on what's so great about your offer.

Now figure out your pitch.

Some things that are going to trip you up on your sales page... and this is from one read through:

No doubt your header needs work (and your lead-in, and your next sentence, and the next....), but more importantly, you're claiming you can show people how to make $730 in 30 days, but towards the end of the letter, you tell the reader you make $700 in 30 days. Ummmm yeah... those are definitely two different amounts.

--"Use my simple twist...",twist on what?

--"Get paid up to $730 or more in 30 days!", contradiction "up to... or more"

--"I was on Fiverr constantly - learning what worked, learning what didn't, and figuring out how to make the most money in the least amount of time.

I got really good at it." Now I'm wet!!!

--Your book is titled 'Fortune Fiverr Hundred' but your image tells me it's Fortune Fiveer Hundred' - should at least get those to match. And, as already suggested, you might want to try something a little easier to say. I can appreciate the play on words, it just doesn't work too good.

Just keep it simple like 'Fiverr Fortune'. Or something cheesy like 'Fiverr Formula'.

--And be careful "place for people to share things they're willing to do for $5: Funny..." you've pretty much taken it from their Google search result.

--Your bullet points end with chapters, you might want to try and be more specific and go for page numbers.

--for each of your bullet points, try reading them with "you'll discover" before each one. See if they make sense?

--When you justify your price, your offer falls flat on its face. You tell me that it's not even going to cost me one tenth of $77... and then... I find out it's $17 (much further down the page), which is one tenth of $170.

--Your guarantee sucks... 14 days? A lot of buyers probably won't even get through it by then, never mind make use of it. I reckon you're setting yourself up for a lot more refunds than you would if you offered the standard 30-60 days.

Hey, if you truly believe your product is any good, why not offer a 366 day money-back-guarantee??

Or even better, a 1461 day guarantee because you were born on a leap year. Believe me, more people will remember when the 14 days is up than the longer period.

--And don't tell people you want to see if there's a demand for this product. Of course there is, that's why you made it. You're actually offering them a chance to hop onto something that's going to explode in the next 18 months... and they get an early bird discount for getting on board now.




This page needs a lot of work. Needs to be cleaned up. Concentrate on the first two points, target and offer, and you're already way ahead.

Best of luck,
Ryan

[derekmichael02]

alright alright - MERCY! I'm back to the drawing board... Thanks, all!

[smartdoctor]

I am not moved by your sales page I think you need to get e better title

[ASCW]

You should very seriously consider hiring a copywriter.

[Carl Galletti]

Here's a thought: Simplify. Break up the 3 products into separate products and sell them for $5 each. See which one does the best.

Part of the sales page's problem is that you're trying to write a long form sales letter for a minor product. $730 in 30 days isn't exactly inspiring. It won't pay for most people's rents, let alone mortgages. Yeah, I know, you said it's for people who want to make a little EXTRA cash but didn't mention how long it takes - other than the 30 days. See what I mean? One idea: figure it yearly ($730x12= $8,760.00) then: "Make $8,760.00 Between Emails" or whatever.

Cut out the unneeded verbage. Focus on the main benefits and write the headline with the most powerful benefit in mind.

Also, rename the product. Something like: "How To Make Sparetime Cash While Watching TV" or "The Easy Way to Quick Cash". Anyway, something simpler.