Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert?

fated82 · 02-20-2011, 03:18 AM

Hi all,

I have been sending some offers to my list lately and there are click thru....However, there are no sales and I am becoming worried. I am wonder if there is anything wrong with the sales page. Can all of you critic my sales page and tell me why it is not converting? Thanks!

How to Make Your fan Page Go Viral

PLR Cash Machine Sytem

Thanks!

Chris Worner · 02-20-2011, 03:23 AM

Howdy,

you may find that you will get more helpful and qualified responses posting in the copywriting forum instead.

Chris

Simu :P · 02-20-2011, 03:39 AM

I think the main No.1 factor is,

You have "NO PROOF".

Even I(who knows nothing about Fanpages

) Can write a copy telling everyone that I can increase your fans.

Showing a before and after proof will BOOST your conversions.

Thanks
Simu

SeanSupplee · 02-20-2011, 03:41 AM

There really are way to many factors to tell you why or why not its converting for you. It really comes down to you and split testing. With that said consider some of these things.

1. Where are you promoting your site? SEO, List, JV's etc If its not converting traffic then toss it out and move into a new area.

2. Consider adding a call to action above the fold with an order button. Often times people will not read though the entire site and instead just want, "What is it your offering and what can it do for me? If that answers their question then they will just order without reading your sales copy.

3. A lot of your images are taking up key areas of your page and require a lot of scrolling to get past. For example How to Make Your Fan Page Go Viral | Secrets to Facebook Marketing Consider pushing the image to the left and adding that catchy in your fast quick what is this whats it going to do for me? and an order button to the right of it.

Good luck!

grimmace · 02-20-2011, 04:47 AM

Sean has some good tips, others I'd suggest are....
A Header for your pages and possibly a Bonus offer along with a popout to at least capture some of your traffic adn build your list

fated82 · 02-20-2011, 08:24 AM

Thanks guys...I will start to enhance the sales page...need to find a method that work!!!

JMichaelZ · 02-20-2011, 10:57 AM

There are a couple of things you could try in tweaking your copy a bit.

YOur headline about discovering the "one" secret is not logically consistent with the rest of the phrase, its hard to have "one" secret that does 2 things.

Farther down in your copy, it becomes moee about multiple ideas instead of that one big secret.

I have found that using the "imagine this" idea works better for me when it i presented earlier in the copy. More along the lines of 1. This is what you cold have then 2. You can't because it is so hard to do and 3. But we can slove that problem for you.

That might be something worth testing to see if it converts better.

In the first body paragraph, in the first sentence, the biggest problem is getting people to "like" our pages, but the rest of the paragraph is about driving traffic.

It seems like there might be a step missing.

Those are a couple of ideas that I saw, I hope they help you a bit.

travlinguy · 02-20-2011, 01:22 PM

Okay. Both of your headlines are too sterile, clinical. Neither is a grabber. They're almost boring. For example:

Discover the One Secret to Making Your Fan Page Viral and Profititng From It

Kinda vague. Try something like this:

Experience Such A Tageted Traffic Explosion Your Servers Will Crash!

Of course, let them know that you're not trying to crash anything but that the onslaught of new traffic they'll see is MAJOR...

The point is to make your headline exciting so your visitors want more info. Both of your headlines are sleepers and need to be changed. Good luck.

Daniel Scott · 02-20-2011, 04:14 PM

Maybe... just MAYBE... it's the fact you're selling info on how to make money online when you clearly have no idea?

Thinking your subscribers are idiots isn't exactly a good business plan.

They can smell BS, y'know.

-Daniel

kellyburdes · 02-20-2011, 04:21 PM

You know Daniel what I have enjoyed about your posts is that your a guy who obviously knows what he is doing, and you are willing to share that - but you don't sugar coat anything.

So many people give the soft version, or let people slide on BS. I'm sure that some are offended by your style here, but I find it mostly refreshing.

aljones · 02-20-2011, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Maybe... just MAYBE... it's the fact you're selling info on how to make money online when you clearly have no idea?

Thinking your subscribers are idiots isn't exactly a good business plan.

They can smell BS, y'know.

-Daniel

well said

Steven Carl Kelly · 02-20-2011, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Kinda vague. Try something like this:

Experience Such A Tageted Traffic Explosion Your Servers Will Crash!

Of course, let them know that you're not trying to crash anything but that the onslaught of new traffic they'll see is MAJOR...

Much better, but I'd avoid the negative implication of a crashed server. Even though most people will understand it isn't meant literally, it will still leave a negative image.

Daniel Scott · 02-20-2011, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kellyburdes

You know Daniel what I have enjoyed about your posts is that your a guy who obviously knows what he is doing, and you are willing to share that - but you don't sugar coat anything.

So many people give the soft version, or let people slide on BS. I'm sure that some are offended by your style here, but I find it mostly refreshing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aljones

well said

Thank you, thank you... *bows*.

I'm here all week.

-Daniel

davidlieder · 02-20-2011, 07:56 PM

In all fairness to this guy, I've not seen his product, but Daniel you are apparently in violation of the forum rules to insult this guy or his product without first looking at it.

Daniel, I think its kind of funny that you are such a jerk in your post, it reminds me of myself, he he, but you clearly don't know what you're talking about if you have not reviewed his product and can give some intelligent feedback other than insulting him.

Now, for the guy who made the product, I would recommend you do a joint venture. Take the stuff you do know (if your product is valid) and let someone else do the marketing and sales page. There is a forum to ask for joint ventures here: Warrior Joint Ventures.

So you could find someone to do everything you cannot, and then split the product with them 50/50.

I agree that you should remove negative stuff from your sales page. You cannot say to people "Buy my product so your server will crash" (my paraphrase). Business owners are already scared and imtimidated by technology.

However, a lot of people right now (mostly not IM people) are willing to spend money on a product about Facebook.

It seems that you are claiming to know about viral facebook strategies, which have a lot of value to businesses. The reality is that business owners are paying big bucks for Facebook strategies right now, training videos are selling on Linked In for about $2,000 for a 90 minute package, so you are right on with your choice of product.

However, you clearly are bad at sales, which is an entirely different thing. Daniel incorrectly throws all internet marketing together as if its all the same topic, but I'm sure he and everyone on this thread knows that there are many, many subjects and skills and most of us have only a few great skills and then are lacking in the rest.

Or perhaps Daniel thinks he is a genius at everything, except of course following the WF forum posting rules.

I hope this helps you.

David Lieder
Astral Universe Worldwide Media

Alex Cohen · 02-20-2011, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by davidlieder

In all fairness to this guy, I've not seen his product, but Daniel you are apparently in violation of the forum rules to insult this guy or his product without first looking at it.

Insulting? Shoot, what Daniel said is pillow talk in the Outback!

LOL

Alex

Daniel Scott · 02-20-2011, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by davidlieder

In all fairness to this guy, I've not seen his product, but Daniel you are apparently in violation of the forum rules to insult this guy or his product without first looking at it.

#1: FACT: OP is selling a product on using the internet to make money. I'd call that internet marketing, but we can split hairs if you want.

#2: It's obvious OP has made next to zero cash with his "system", or he would have hired a decent copywriter to sell this and be done with it.

#3: Marketing is marketing. It's just the delivery that changes. Most guys who are good at one type pick up the rest fairly easily.

#4: He asked why it's not converting, and I told him what is a very likely reason... so I'm not breaking any rules at all. How do I know? The fact my post hasn't been nuked yet is a pretty clear indication (those mods are FAST).

Furthermore... any experienced marketer can tell you what I delivered was far from just an "insult". It was a very shrewd piece of marketing advice the OP (and many other wannabe marketers) completely miss.

Dislike it if you want. I'm just calling it like I see it... and adding a lot of good advice in the process.

Somehow I think I'll manage to live with myself.

-Daniel

fated82 · 02-20-2011, 08:43 PM

Thanks for all the great comments. I will review all the sales page and improve them based on all the suggestions given....

BrianMcLeod · 02-20-2011, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by davidlieder

Or perhaps Daniel thinks he is a genius at everything, except of course following the WF forum posting rules.

Or perhaps people who joined the forum a dozen posts back should leave the moderating to the moderators.

What Daniel posted is indefensibly the cold hard truth of the matter.

Brian

Steven Carl Kelly · 02-21-2011, 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

Or perhaps people who joined the forum a dozen posts back should leave the moderating to the moderators.

Not meaning to put anyone on the spot, but I will sheepishly post the following link...

YOU Are A Moderator!

BrianMcLeod · 02-21-2011, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steven Carl Kelly

Not meaning to put anyone on the spot, but I will sheepishly post the following link...

YOU Are A Moderator!

You've made my point.

If one feels the need to exert their member moderator muscle, Allen's very specific instructions are to:

A) Report the post using the REPORT button

B) Issue an infraction

OnlineMasterMind · 02-21-2011, 04:46 PM

I don't think your copy is that bad...

Yes, it needs A LOT of work... and quite frankly, you need more words (spoken or written) to get people to take out their credit card. (Unless it's a misleading free trial offer)

With that said, the biggest problem is your site just lacks authority.

I'm a a big believer in down and dirty direct response marketing but the fact is that image does matter online.

It matters a lot.

People make subliminal decisions in an instant... Your site looks like a fly by night scheme with zero authority.

This doesn't require lots of intellect, experience or even skill.

It requires common sense.

And it requires... for lack of a better word... love.

People can sense it immediately... and you can tell if they do by looking at your bounce rate.

There's no love on that site.

If this was my site, I'd have a professional and authoritative looking fb themed design. And make your fonts, headers...everything similar to fb.

Then get a trust type of seal for the top right corner...

There's just so much more but I'm gonna stop there...

That site quite honestly looks like you spent very little time on it and then got a couple of testimonials and you think it's gonna fly?

It doesn't work like that and I'd be willing to bet there is zero chance that site would convert you if you had never seen it and landed on it for the first time as a prospect.

I mean... where's the guarantee? Can you honestly say you put a real and honest effort before coming here for a critique?

Sarah Harvey · 02-21-2011, 06:03 PM

I didn't even read your copy much... the first thing I noticed is that you are targeting marketers. Who says Marketers are the only ones that want their fan pages to go viral?

For all you know they can be business owners or just individuals.

Secondly... not sure if the testimonial is from Fiverr or something... but a real testimonial wouldn't be so well thought out. You won't get someone who is a fan to actually even say the entire url... which by the way... if you gave someone a url like that... they won't care to put it into an address bar. It should be natural. That is one thing that didn't come as natural...the video tesimonial.

Also, for someone reason your minisite is a bit bland. Probably too much white space or neutral colours. And for some reason I don't like the yellow button. Not sure why.

clever7 · 02-22-2011, 01:57 AM

Sincerity may hurt, but I have a good intention. I want to help you succeed.

You are not a good writer. You made many mistakes, and your writing is nothing persuasive. You should look for an editor; or better saying, find a professional copywriter.

IMGirl82 · 02-22-2011, 02:06 AM

your webpage did not catch my attention and i wanted to close my browser right away. however, i loaded the webpage again and i have to say that your ecover is not good looking, i would design a new one, then take the rest of the suggestions that were given above

jtunkelo · 02-22-2011, 02:54 AM

With the Facebook Fan Page page... the main thing is you're not giving people any reason to believe what you say. No proof, no hints at the direction you're taking, no lifting of the curtain. People won't pay 10 dollars or even one dollar if they're not convinced they're getting something of value. The topic is red hot, but you need to show you know what you're talking about. And also, you need to make the case how having that viral fan page will change things for them! You need to spell it out. Paint the picture in words or otherwise.

With the PLR product... I'm afraid it's the opposite situation. If this were 2003, maybe PLR biz opp would be exciting, but in 2011.. you really, really have to work a lot harder to convince anyone they should go with it. A new angle, some compelling proof.. etc.

mlcmartin · 02-23-2011, 12:33 PM

One thing I noticed is that there is no price on the order button. Makes me feel like I go into one of those shady stores and the clerk tells me the price based on how he is feeling today. I think that was a subconscious turnoff for me personally which made me hover over the order button without even being curious to find out more about the product.

Quality Copywriter · 02-24-2011, 02:02 PM

hi there

a few things - i would say "go viral" in the title and there is too much in the paragrahs .

you also need a price in the buy now button

fatimah Sanni · 02-27-2011, 05:00 AM

@fated82, my two cents:

How to make your fan page go viral:
What is your own definition of viral? be specific, what can you help me with, 5,000 fans in less than 2 weeks? where's your proof, how many times have you done this? once could be a fluke.

The no. one rule of copy writing is to write like you are writing a friend, the operative word being 'a'. Replace the us with you, no us or our.

change your sub headlines,especially the 'only if you invested a paltry $9.95'. Your sub headlines should be headlines in their own right. Check your sub headlines and ask yourself, can this stand alone, obviously not!

Have you ever considered the fact that some of your intending buyers are no users of paypal? what's the alternative?

Where is your paycheck? yes, a check with your name on it and the fat earnings.

The P.S issue, what day exactly is today? if I go there tomorrow, would the same 'today' still be there. You lose credibility that way.

I really do hope I've been helpful.

P.S: If you are such an expert, why not give out a free report on say, how I can get 850 friends in 2 weeks or how i can currently make money using facebook even if it is only $5/week. In other words, create an expert image for yourself. People will be more willing to buy.

fated82 · 03-03-2011, 12:29 AM

Thanks for all the Warriors who spent the time and energy in critiquing my sales pages. I have made alot of changes thereafter (one of the few is to remove the testimonials).

Please continue criticizing so that I can continuously make changes to it. Cheers!

(Sales Page link on the first post)

Joe Ditzel · 03-03-2011, 02:59 AM

You lose me with sentences like these:

"Now I’m not trying to sell you hopes or things that have yet to be proven. In fact, many unknown Internet Marketer have transformed into full-fledged Internet Entrepreneurs simply by using Private Label Content!"

I get the idea but the writing is a little wonky and the benefit seems vague.

FuturePrinceofPrint · 03-03-2011, 02:45 PM

This whole thing is kind of a joke. If you were any good at IM thing you would of learned how to sell. Just because this is on the internet doesn't mean the salesmanship part can go to ****. So, hit some sales books. It'll do you some good and, don't sell something to people when you have no clue how to do it yourself.

02-20-2011, 03:18 AM	#1
fated82 Infopreneur in the making War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 930 Thanks: 36 Thanked 80 Times in 58 Posts Social Networking	Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Hi all, I have been sending some offers to my list lately and there are click thru....However, there are no sales and I am becoming worried. I am wonder if there is anything wrong with the sales page. Can all of you critic my sales page and tell me why it is not converting? Thanks! How to Make Your fan Page Go Viral PLR Cash Machine Sytem Thanks!
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02-20-2011, 03:41 AM	#4
SeanSupplee Traffic Generation War Room Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: USA, PA Posts: 977 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 57 Thanked 130 Times in 108 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? There really are way to many factors to tell you why or why not its converting for you. It really comes down to you and split testing. With that said consider some of these things. 1. Where are you promoting your site? SEO, List, JV's etc If its not converting traffic then toss it out and move into a new area. 2. Consider adding a call to action above the fold with an order button. Often times people will not read though the entire site and instead just want, "What is it your offering and what can it do for me? If that answers their question then they will just order without reading your sales copy. 3. A lot of your images are taking up key areas of your page and require a lot of scrolling to get past. For example How to Make Your Fan Page Go Viral \| Secrets to Facebook Marketing Consider pushing the image to the left and adding that catchy in your fast quick what is this whats it going to do for me? and an order button to the right of it. Good luck!
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02-20-2011, 04:47 AM	#5
grimmace Warrior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: New Zealand Posts: 8 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Sean has some good tips, others I'd suggest are.... A Header for your pages and possibly a Bonus offer along with a popout to at least capture some of your traffic adn build your list
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02-20-2011, 08:24 AM	#6
fated82 Infopreneur in the making War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 930 Thanks: 36 Thanked 80 Times in 58 Posts Social Networking	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Thanks guys...I will start to enhance the sales page...need to find a method that work!!!
	High Quality Content Delivered Within 24 Hours - Written By Native English Writers Only

02-20-2011, 10:57 AM	#7
JMichaelZ Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: California Desert Posts: 1,820 Blog Entries: 11 Thanks: 439 Thanked 350 Times in 310 Posts	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? There are a couple of things you could try in tweaking your copy a bit. YOur headline about discovering the "one" secret is not logically consistent with the rest of the phrase, its hard to have "one" secret that does 2 things. Farther down in your copy, it becomes moee about multiple ideas instead of that one big secret. I have found that using the "imagine this" idea works better for me when it i presented earlier in the copy. More along the lines of 1. This is what you cold have then 2. You can't because it is so hard to do and 3. But we can slove that problem for you. That might be something worth testing to see if it converts better. In the first body paragraph, in the first sentence, the biggest problem is getting people to "like" our pages, but the rest of the paragraph is about driving traffic. It seems like there might be a step missing. Those are a couple of ideas that I saw, I hope they help you a bit.
	New Sig File Coming Soon

02-20-2011, 03:23 AM	#2
Chris Worner Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Melbourne Posts: 1,337 Thanks: 1,925 Thanked 652 Times in 344 Posts Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Howdy, you may find that you will get more helpful and qualified responses posting in the copywriting forum instead. Chris

02-20-2011, 03:39 AM	#3
Simu :P that's me :P War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Home Sweet Home Posts: 50 Thanks: 4 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? I think the main No.1 factor is, You have "NO PROOF". Even I(who knows nothing about Fanpages ) Can write a copy telling everyone that I can increase your fans. Showing a before and after proof will BOOST your conversions. Thanks Simu

02-20-2011, 01:22 PM	#8
travlinguy Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Northern Hemisphere, for now. Posts: 2,937 Thanks: 1,310 Thanked 1,632 Times in 955 Posts Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Okay. Both of your headlines are too sterile, clinical. Neither is a grabber. They're almost boring. For example: *Discover the One Secret to Making Your Fan Page Viral and Profititng From It* Kinda vague. Try something like this: Experience Such A Tageted Traffic Explosion Your Servers Will Crash! Of course, let them know that you're not trying to crash anything but that the onslaught of new traffic they'll see is MAJOR... The point is to make your headline exciting so your visitors want more info. Both of your headlines are sleepers and need to be changed. Good luck.
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02-20-2011, 04:14 PM	#9
Daniel Scott The Cake Is A Lie War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Mackay, QLD, Australia Posts: 2,199 Thanks: 298 Thanked 683 Times in 390 Posts Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Maybe... just MAYBE... it's the fact you're selling info on how to make money online when you clearly have no idea? Thinking your subscribers are idiots isn't exactly a good business plan. They can smell BS, y'know. -Daniel
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02-20-2011, 04:21 PM	#10
kellyburdes HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 321 Thanks: 114 Thanked 77 Times in 57 Posts	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? You know Daniel what I have enjoyed about your posts is that your a guy who obviously knows what he is doing, and you are willing to share that - but you don't sugar coat anything. So many people give the soft version, or let people slide on BS. I'm sure that some are offended by your style here, but I find it mostly refreshing.

02-20-2011, 07:56 PM	#14
davidlieder Active Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: North Carolina, USA Posts: 140 Thanks: 29 Thanked 27 Times in 24 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? In all fairness to this guy, I've not seen his product, but Daniel you are apparently in violation of the forum rules to insult this guy or his product without first looking at it. Daniel, I think its kind of funny that you are such a jerk in your post, it reminds me of myself, he he, but you clearly don't know what you're talking about if you have not reviewed his product and can give some intelligent feedback other than insulting him. Now, for the guy who made the product, I would recommend you do a joint venture. Take the stuff you do know (if your product is valid) and let someone else do the marketing and sales page. There is a forum to ask for joint ventures here: Warrior Joint Ventures. So you could find someone to do everything you cannot, and then split the product with them 50/50. I agree that you should remove negative stuff from your sales page. You cannot say to people "Buy my product so your server will crash" (my paraphrase). Business owners are already scared and imtimidated by technology. However, a lot of people right now (mostly not IM people) are willing to spend money on a product about Facebook. It seems that you are claiming to know about viral facebook strategies, which have a lot of value to businesses. The reality is that business owners are paying big bucks for Facebook strategies right now, training videos are selling on Linked In for about $2,000 for a 90 minute package, so you are right on with your choice of product. However, you clearly are bad at sales, which is an entirely different thing. Daniel incorrectly throws all internet marketing together as if its all the same topic, but I'm sure he and everyone on this thread knows that there are many, many subjects and skills and most of us have only a few great skills and then are lacking in the rest. Or perhaps Daniel thinks he is a genius at everything, except of course following the WF forum posting rules. I hope this helps you. David Lieder Astral Universe Worldwide Media

02-20-2011, 08:43 PM	#17
fated82 Infopreneur in the making War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 930 Thanks: 36 Thanked 80 Times in 58 Posts Social Networking	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Thanks for all the great comments. I will review all the sales page and improve them based on all the suggestions given....
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02-21-2011, 04:46 PM	#21
OnlineMasterMind Advanced Warrior War Room Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 530 Thanks: 62 Thanked 52 Times in 30 Posts	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? I don't think your copy is that bad... Yes, it needs A LOT of work... and quite frankly, you need more words (spoken or written) to get people to take out their credit card. (Unless it's a misleading free trial offer) With that said, the biggest problem is your site just lacks authority. I'm a a big believer in down and dirty direct response marketing but the fact is that image does matter online. It matters a lot. People make subliminal decisions in an instant... Your site looks like a fly by night scheme with zero authority. This doesn't require lots of intellect, experience or even skill. It requires common sense. And it requires... for lack of a better word... love. People can sense it immediately... and you can tell if they do by looking at your bounce rate. There's no love on that site. If this was my site, I'd have a professional and authoritative looking fb themed design. And make your fonts, headers...everything similar to fb. Then get a trust type of seal for the top right corner... There's just so much more but I'm gonna stop there... That site quite honestly looks like you spent very little time on it and then got a couple of testimonials and you think it's gonna fly? It doesn't work like that and I'd be willing to bet there is zero chance that site would convert you if you had never seen it and landed on it for the first time as a prospect. I mean... where's the guarantee? Can you honestly say you put a real and honest effort before coming here for a critique?

02-21-2011, 06:03 PM	#22
Sarah Harvey Chaos-Incarnate Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: United Kingdom. Posts: 349 Thanks: 0 Thanked 36 Times in 30 Posts Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? I didn't even read your copy much... the first thing I noticed is that you are targeting marketers. Who says Marketers are the only ones that want their fan pages to go viral? For all you know they can be business owners or just individuals. Secondly... not sure if the testimonial is from Fiverr or something... but a real testimonial wouldn't be so well thought out. You won't get someone who is a fan to actually even say the entire url... which by the way... if you gave someone a url like that... they won't care to put it into an address bar. It should be natural. That is one thing that didn't come as natural...the video tesimonial. Also, for someone reason your minisite is a bit bland. Probably too much white space or neutral colours. And for some reason I don't like the yellow button. Not sure why.
	The wind whispers my name as the universe spreads her immortal wings to enfold me. I walk the path to the land of dark immortals, where the hungry ones will carry my soul. This is my will...

02-22-2011, 01:57 AM	#23
clever7 clever7 War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Athens, Greece Posts: 713 Thanks: 34 Thanked 72 Times in 64 Posts	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Sincerity may hurt, but I have a good intention. I want to help you succeed. You are not a good writer. You made many mistakes, and your writing is nothing persuasive. You should look for an editor; or better saying, find a professional copywriter.
	Join my Affiliate Program and Sell Original eBooks Scientific Dream Interpretation – A Solution to All Problems Depression and Neurosis Cure

02-22-2011, 02:06 AM	#24
IMGirl82 AdSense Lover Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 18 Thanks: 10 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? your webpage did not catch my attention and i wanted to close my browser right away. however, i loaded the webpage again and i have to say that your ecover is not good looking, i would design a new one, then take the rest of the suggestions that were given above
	I'm in love with AdSense

02-22-2011, 02:54 AM	#25
jtunkelo HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Tampere, Finland. Posts: 158 Thanks: 30 Thanked 42 Times in 33 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? With the Facebook Fan Page page... the main thing is you're not giving people any reason to believe what you say. No proof, no hints at the direction you're taking, no lifting of the curtain. People won't pay 10 dollars or even one dollar if they're not convinced they're getting something of value. The topic is red hot, but you need to show you know what you're talking about. And also, you need to make the case how having that viral fan page will change things for them! You need to spell it out. Paint the picture in words or otherwise. With the PLR product... I'm afraid it's the opposite situation. If this were 2003, maybe PLR biz opp would be exciting, but in 2011.. you really, really have to work a lot harder to convince anyone they should go with it. A new angle, some compelling proof.. etc.
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02-23-2011, 12:33 PM	#26
mlcmartin Code Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 54 Thanks: 4 Thanked 47 Times in 6 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? One thing I noticed is that there is no price on the order button. Makes me feel like I go into one of those shady stores and the clerk tells me the price based on how he is feeling today. I think that was a subconscious turnoff for me personally which made me hover over the order button without even being curious to find out more about the product.

02-24-2011, 02:02 PM	#27
Quality Copywriter HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 111 Thanks: 1 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? hi there a few things - i would say "go viral" in the title and there is too much in the paragrahs . you also need a price in the buy now button

02-27-2011, 05:00 AM	#28
fatimah Sanni Warrior Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 12 Thanks: 4 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? @fated82, my two cents: How to make your fan page go viral: What is your own definition of viral? be specific, what can you help me with, 5,000 fans in less than 2 weeks? where's your proof, how many times have you done this? once could be a fluke. The no. one rule of copy writing is to write like you are writing a friend, the operative word being 'a'. Replace the us with you, no us or our. change your sub headlines,especially the 'only if you invested a paltry $9.95'. Your sub headlines should be headlines in their own right. Check your sub headlines and ask yourself, can this stand alone, obviously not! Have you ever considered the fact that some of your intending buyers are no users of paypal? what's the alternative? Where is your paycheck? yes, a check with your name on it and the fat earnings. The P.S issue, what day exactly is today? if I go there tomorrow, would the same 'today' still be there. You lose credibility that way. I really do hope I've been helpful. P.S: If you are such an expert, why not give out a free report on say, how I can get 850 friends in 2 weeks or how i can currently make money using facebook even if it is only $5/week. In other words, create an expert image for yourself. People will be more willing to buy.

03-03-2011, 12:29 AM	#29
fated82 Infopreneur in the making War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 930 Thanks: 36 Thanked 80 Times in 58 Posts Social Networking	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? Thanks for all the Warriors who spent the time and energy in critiquing my sales pages. I have made alot of changes thereafter (one of the few is to remove the testimonials). Please continue criticizing so that I can continuously make changes to it. Cheers! (Sales Page link on the first post)
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03-03-2011, 02:59 AM	#30
Joe Ditzel Bad Golfer War Room Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 568 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 573 Thanked 333 Times in 202 Posts Social Networking	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? You lose me with sentences like these: "Now I’m not trying to sell you hopes or things that have yet to be proven. In fact, many unknown Internet Marketer have transformed into full-fledged Internet Entrepreneurs simply by using Private Label Content!" I get the idea but the writing is a little wonky and the benefit seems vague.

03-03-2011, 02:45 PM	#31
FuturePrinceofPrint Active Warrior Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Hendersonville, Tennessee Posts: 69 Thanks: 14 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: Can warriors critic all my sales pages (2 of them here) and tell me why I can't convert? This whole thing is kind of a joke. If you were any good at IM thing you would of learned how to sell. Just because this is on the internet doesn't mean the salesmanship part can go to ****. So, hit some sales books. It'll do you some good and, don't sell something to people when you have no clue how to do it yourself.