Critique my squeeze/sales pages please?

[Drake Kerrigan]

Anyone mind taking a look at my squeeze and sales pages and tell me how I can improve? This is my first attempt and really use the input.

Squeeze Page: 30 Day Article Marketing
Sales Page: Report | 30 Day Article Marketing

Thanks guys.

(PS. I KNOW there's lots of room for improvement. Please tell me like it is, i can take it lol)

[travlinguy]

Neither page has a headlined to speak of. Everything else is very bland - not compelling at all.

Here's a suggestion: Identify the thing you have that every novice article marketer needs and wants. Now brainstorm this into a pile of benefits and inject the main one into your headline. Then create benefit-oriented bullets and stick them in there. That should get you started. The others will have more. Good luck.

[Player87]

Maybe provide people review copies and invite them to write testimonials on your product and include them on your pages

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Neither page has a headlined to speak of. Everything else is very bland - not compelling at all.

Here's a suggestion: Identify the thing you have that every novice article marketer needs and wants. Now brainstorm this into a pile of benefits and inject the main one into your headline. Then create benefit-oriented bullets and stick them in there. That should get you started. The others will have more. Good luck.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll work on that

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by Player87

Maybe provide people review copies and invite them to write testimonials on your product and include them on your pages

Good idea. I'll try to figure out how best to do that later today when I get back. Thanks.

[scrofford]

Kinda makes me want to take a nap..."yawn".....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by scrofford

Kinda makes me want to take a nap..."yawn".....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yep. THAT was constructive. Thanks. Lots of insight there.

[Steven Carl Kelly]

Very, very understated -- which isn't a good thing. I didn't find either page at all compelling. The lack of a headline really set the tone for a very dry, uninspiring experience.

Your sales page needs a real grabber of a headline, something that will make me want to read the rest of the page:

Give me just a few minutes of your time and I'll show you how to...

Go from Article Marketing Newbie to
Article Marketing EXPERT
in 30 Days... Or Less!

Or something like that.

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by Steven Carl Kelly

Very, very understated -- which isn't a good thing. I didn't find either page at all compelling. The lack of a headline really set the tone for a very dry, uninspiring experience.

Your sales page needs a real grabber of a headline, something that will make me want to read the rest of the page:

Give me just a few minutes of your time and I'll show you how to...

Go from Article Marketing Newbie to
Article Marketing EXPERT
in 30 Days... Or Less!

Or something like that.

Thank you!

[Steven Carl Kelly]

Originally Posted by Drake Kerrigan

Thank you!

Feel free to use it as is, or tweak it to make it even better. I gave it all of about 30 seconds worth of thought!

[maximus242]

Your advertisement is a cure for insomnia.

Write your advertisement like your writing a major motion picture. Its so boring after three attempts at reading it I still have yet to actually read it.

Break up your line, bring it down to like 1-2 lines per paragraph max. Throw in lots of sub-heads, lots of exciting pictures.

You should try to increase your readers blood pressure by 50% (or more) while reading your ad. Either through excitement or fear

And for the love of god get a headline

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by maximus242

Your advertisement is a cure for insomnia.

Write your advertisement like your writing a major motion picture. Its so boring after three attempts at reading it I still have yet to actually read it.

Break up your line, bring it down to like 1-2 lines per paragraph max. Throw in lots of sub-heads, lots of exciting pictures.

You should try to increase your readers blood pressure by 50% (or more) while reading your ad. Either through excitement or fear

And for the love of god get a headline

Thanks Maximus. Not only did you give information, but you made me laugh, too.

Am I correct in assuming the banner should go?

[Morgen Ster]

I would personally also pay attention to the aesthetic part - blue, red and black do not match that well. The big blue (and I do not refer to IBM) outsides the table is visually annoying. This on its turn creates the feeling, it is a site nobody ever invested much time or financial resourses in. This might make people not take it as seriously as desired. Design is as essential as wording. Nevertheless, I do not doubt you will come up with perfect content and looks, as you are asking and taking your time to improve. Wish you success!

[mech111]

The site needs more "oomph" added into it. It's not appealing enough. Here's a suggestion.

Think of yourself as an article marketing newbie, and act like you just discovered this cool new way to improve your article marketing skills.

What would that cool new way be?



When you find that out... you'll hook them like crazy!



Try it out!

[scrofford]

Originally Posted by Drake Kerrigan

Yep. THAT was constructive. Thanks. Lots of insight there.

Ok, your sales page is very boring. No headline to speak of...why would I want to stay on your site and read your letter? You need a headline that will draw me in and get me interested in what you have to say next.

Second, your letter doesn't tell me a whole lot. It has some good info, but not enough for me to want to pull my wallet out and spend $37.00. What will this product do for me? Will it help me turn my life around by starting a business and be able to retire from the mundane, crap 9-5 lifestyle? See what I mean?

You have no guarantee...Guarantees are important. What if I'm not satisfied? What if the product doesn't work for me? I am not going to risk giving you my money without some kind of guarantee...whether it be money back, or help or whatever.

You have no call to action whatsoever...just a payment button...but what do you want me to do? Obviously you want $37.00 But some people are new and would have no idea what you want them to do...

Also, where's your P.S.? A P.S. is very important in a sales letter.

That's for starters...I'm going back to sleep now...

[Drake Kerrigan]

Ok. Let's try this again. Is this any better now?

Report | 30 Day Article Marketing

[tz6119]

Originally Posted by Drake Kerrigan

Ok. Let's try this again. Is this any better now?

Report | 30 Day Article Marketing

I didn't see the first sales page you had but I would use the headline Steven Carl Kelly offered. Using the red and big fonts looks great. Spot on Steven.

[maximus242]

Oh Dear God!

He actually improved it.

this sucks: "Let’s face it. There is so much information out there that it’s difficult to find it. And understand it all without suffering an information overload? Forget about it!

I’ve been there. When I was a newbie I spent all of my time searching for the answers. I know that it can take weeks, even months to learn the secrets of article marketing.
"

your not really saying anything.

this is much better:

"
STOP wasting all your time searching for the secrets!
STOP wasting money on so many useless products that promise you overnight riches!
STOP succumbing to information overload!
STOP making unnecessary newbie mistakes!
"

Instead of STOP switch it to NO

Like NO You wont have to waste your time searching for the secrets!
blablabla

Add in all the good stuff to, and do like

YES! You will blablabla
YES! Blablabla

Along with the Nos.

Your story is too long. Not dramatic enough. Rewrite it like its an amazingly exciting newstory.

And stop making it so boring.

Its getting a lot better though.

This...

"
The Solution to the Article Marketing Confusion . . .

What if i told you that you could be a successful article marketer starting today, right now, and that you don’t have to drive yourself insane learning how? What if I could hand you a complete step-by-step guide that would transform you into an article marketing pro in just 30 days or less?"

BAD!

Nobody gives a DAMN about being confused about article marketing. Help ive fallen and I cant get up!

Show me the money or kiss my ass.

This:

"
The Step-By-Step Guide I Created For You . . .

After hundreds of hours of painstaking research and personal trial and error, after countless weeks of non-stop days and sleepless nights, I have developed a complete 30-day guide to teach you how to jump start your article marketing business. this guide addresses every step involved, from finding a product, to building a website, to writing articles to promote and drive customers to you.

Like I said, when I first started I was just as confused as Troy was. It took months of constant research to figure it out. When I found myself facing a very confused and frustrated Troy, I realized that it wasn’t just me. If both Troy and myself had found ourselves so confused, there must be others out there who were just as confused and intimidated.

That’s when I decided to develop this guide."

zzzZZZzzzz...

Make your product sexy, you need to Romance your prospect into buying not try talking them into submission to get rid of you.

And this

"
So answer this. Would you rather spend months researching, countless weeks and months spent poring over everything you can find, only to end up with a headache and frustration every day? Or would you rather have a complete guide which teaches you, step-by-step, how to start and succeed with your article marketing business?

It’s really a simple decision, isn’t it? Why waste countless weeks or months when you don’t have to? Why spend your time researching and sifting through piles of information when the hard work has already been done for you?
"

Stop asking so many F(&*(&*# questions!

The close is a good attempt but make statements instead of questions. Elaborate on it, make it more emotionally powerful. More dramatic.

You do it like this. You have two choices, pick: blablabla

or blablabla

dadum da dum dadum Buy now or die b*tch!

The layout for your testimonials sucks you gotta make them pop im not even reading them right now they dont stand out in the slightest and are way to much in the background.

And this guarantee...

"Here is my personal guarantee to you. Follow the guide and the 30 day action plan. If you are still confused about article marketing, if you are unable to get your article marketing business off the ground after following the 30 day action plan, I will gladly refund your purchase price.

What’s more, I will be there for you every step of the way during your 30 days. If, at any time during your 30 day plan, you need extra help, or if you don’t understand something, let me know and I’ll be happy to personally help you."

This guarantee is for p*ssys.

More specificity, tell them exactly what they will experience as a result of using their product and give definite claims not this wishy washy youll understand article marketing within 30 days, kiss my ass how about ill make money or you refund me and throw in something for free for my trouble.

This is suprisingly, not horrible.

"PS. You’re only a couple of minutes away from having your complete step-by-step guide. Like Troy, you too can get started immediately and be an article marketing pro in 30 days or less!

PPS. What are you waiting for? You can get your complete guide right now and be on your way to a successful career as an article marketer! With my money back guarantee you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!"

[Steven Carl Kelly]

Originally Posted by tz6119

I didn't see the first sales page you had but I would use the headline Steven Carl Kelly offered. Using the red and big fonts looks great. Spot on Steven.

Thanks. When it comes to something like this, I think "Discover the secrets" doesn't work as well for a 30-day learning program as "Go from..." simply because the former implies work to achieve, while the latter implies an easier path and I like the action word "go" much better than "discover".

[Steven Carl Kelly]

New critiques:

- Testimonials should have a different BGCOLOR than the rest of the page, or use an image background to make them stand out...

- The "Now only $37" doesn't really pop, I still focused on $74...

- I don't think the message that is received is what you intended from this statement:
"I’m going to show you those secrets that cost me so much time and frustration!"
First, in this context "costing frustration" doesn't work, you probably meant "cost me so much time and CAUSED ME SO MUCH frustration". Finally, the message in that headline isn't a positive one... you're going to show me SECRETS that cost you time and caused frustration? Why would I want THOSE secrets? Show me the secrets that ELIMINATED WASTED TIME and FRUSTRATION!

[Chris Worner]

In my experience with squeeze pages, less is more, and there is way too much information and too many distractions on that page.

Cut it down to the following layout:

Headline

Image

Bullet Point 1
Bullet Point 2
Bullet Point 3

Email form

Just my 2 cents

Chris

[scrofford]

Originally Posted by Steven Carl Kelly

Thanks. When it comes to something like this, I think "Discover the secrets" doesn't work as well for a 30-day learning program as "Go from..." simply because the former implies work to achieve, while the latter implies an easier path and I like the action word "go" much better than "discover".

You are right. "Discover the secrets" has become quite cliche...

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by maximus242

Oh Dear God!

He actually improved it.

this sucks: "Let’s face it. There is so much information out there that it’s difficult to find it. And understand it all without suffering an information overload? Forget about it!

I’ve been there. When I was a newbie I spent all of my time searching for the answers. I know that it can take weeks, even months to learn the secrets of article marketing.
"

your not really saying anything.

this is much better:

"
STOP wasting all your time searching for the secrets!
STOP wasting money on so many useless products that promise you overnight riches!
STOP succumbing to information overload!
STOP making unnecessary newbie mistakes!
"

Instead of STOP switch it to NO

Like NO You wont have to waste your time searching for the secrets!
blablabla

Add in all the good stuff to, and do like

YES! You will blablabla
YES! Blablabla

Along with the Nos.

Your story is too long. Not dramatic enough. Rewrite it like its an amazingly exciting newstory.

And stop making it so boring.

Its getting a lot better though.

This...

"
The Solution to the Article Marketing Confusion . . .

What if i told you that you could be a successful article marketer starting today, right now, and that you don’t have to drive yourself insane learning how? What if I could hand you a complete step-by-step guide that would transform you into an article marketing pro in just 30 days or less?"

BAD!

Nobody gives a DAMN about being confused about article marketing. Help ive fallen and I cant get up!

Show me the money or kiss my ass.

This:

"
The Step-By-Step Guide I Created For You . . .

After hundreds of hours of painstaking research and personal trial and error, after countless weeks of non-stop days and sleepless nights, I have developed a complete 30-day guide to teach you how to jump start your article marketing business. this guide addresses every step involved, from finding a product, to building a website, to writing articles to promote and drive customers to you.

Like I said, when I first started I was just as confused as Troy was. It took months of constant research to figure it out. When I found myself facing a very confused and frustrated Troy, I realized that it wasn’t just me. If both Troy and myself had found ourselves so confused, there must be others out there who were just as confused and intimidated.

That’s when I decided to develop this guide."

zzzZZZzzzz...

Make your product sexy, you need to Romance your prospect into buying not try talking them into submission to get rid of you.

And this

"
So answer this. Would you rather spend months researching, countless weeks and months spent poring over everything you can find, only to end up with a headache and frustration every day? Or would you rather have a complete guide which teaches you, step-by-step, how to start and succeed with your article marketing business?

It’s really a simple decision, isn’t it? Why waste countless weeks or months when you don’t have to? Why spend your time researching and sifting through piles of information when the hard work has already been done for you?
"

Stop asking so many F(&*(&*# questions!

The close is a good attempt but make statements instead of questions. Elaborate on it, make it more emotionally powerful. More dramatic.

You do it like this. You have two choices, pick: blablabla

or blablabla

dadum da dum dadum Buy now or die b*tch!

The layout for your testimonials sucks you gotta make them pop im not even reading them right now they dont stand out in the slightest and are way to much in the background.

And this guarantee...

"Here is my personal guarantee to you. Follow the guide and the 30 day action plan. If you are still confused about article marketing, if you are unable to get your article marketing business off the ground after following the 30 day action plan, I will gladly refund your purchase price.

What’s more, I will be there for you every step of the way during your 30 days. If, at any time during your 30 day plan, you need extra help, or if you don’t understand something, let me know and I’ll be happy to personally help you."

This guarantee is for p*ssys.

More specificity, tell them exactly what they will experience as a result of using their product and give definite claims not this wishy washy youll understand article marketing within 30 days, kiss my ass how about ill make money or you refund me and throw in something for free for my trouble.

This is suprisingly, not horrible.

"PS. You’re only a couple of minutes away from having your complete step-by-step guide. Like Troy, you too can get started immediately and be an article marketing pro in 30 days or less!

PPS. What are you waiting for? You can get your complete guide right now and be on your way to a successful career as an article marketer! With my money back guarantee you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!"

Gee, is that all? LOL just kidding. I do appreciate all your insight and help, and will be taking your advice and making the changes. After all, a sucky sales page does absolutely no good

Question, though: How can I make a guarantee that you'll make money? You know as well as I do that you can't guarantee anyone will make money with anything. It all comes down to whether or not the person applies the knowledge and does the work. Or do you mean something like "I guarantee you'll make money IF you apply what you learn, blah blah blah"?

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by Steven Carl Kelly

Thanks. When it comes to something like this, I think "Discover the secrets" doesn't work as well for a 30-day learning program as "Go from..." simply because the former implies work to achieve, while the latter implies an easier path and I like the action word "go" much better than "discover".

Understood. I thought it sounded good, but I'll defer to your wisdom and experience and change it. Thanks!

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by Steven Carl Kelly

- Testimonials should have a different BGCOLOR than the rest of the page, or use an image background to make them stand out...

I agree. I seem to be having a bit of trouble making wordpress actually use table bgcolor. It shows up just fine in the edit box, but for some reason doesn't translate to the actual page. I'll keep working on it.

Originally Posted by Steven Carl Kelly

- The "Now only $37" doesn't really pop, I still focused on $74...

I see what you mean. I'll work on that.

Originally Posted by Steven Carl Kelly

- I don't think the message that is received is what you intended from this statement:
"I’m going to show you those secrets that cost me so much time and frustration!"
First, in this context "costing frustration" doesn't work, you probably meant "cost me so much time and CAUSED ME SO MUCH frustration". Finally, the message in that headline isn't a positive one... you're going to show me SECRETS that cost you time and caused frustration? Why would I want THOSE secrets? Show me the secrets that ELIMINATED WASTED TIME and FRUSTRATION!

You're right. I didn't realize it came across that way. I'll work on it.

[Drake Kerrigan]

Originally Posted by Chris Worner

In my experience with squeeze pages, less is more, and there is way too much information and too many distractions on that page.

Cut it down to the following layout:

Headline

Image

Bullet Point 1
Bullet Point 2
Bullet Point 3

Email form

Just my 2 cents

Chris

Chris,

That page is the sales page. The squeeze page is 30 Day Article Marketing

It's pretty basic. Probably too basic, actually. I'll be tackling it next after the sales page doesn't suck lol.