A Plea For Professional Help - Critique My First Site

[Capitalist_Pig]

I'm very new to the concept of creating a one-off site to market a CPA offer. I found a product that I can be passionate about - Toktumi - and stayed up late last night writing out a sales page.

I've made the decision to use my own name on this, and my first few sites. I may move to pseudonyms later on, but for now, I'm comfortable with people knowing who I am.

Finally, I purchased the template, so no props for that, please . I'm a skilled designer and developer though, so if there are changes you think would help, let me know - once I get my Adwords keywords straightened out, I'll begin split testing changes and improving the page.

My ultimate goal is a 15% CTR and a 75% conversion rate on Toktumi's site.

And, without further ado, my first sales site: My Toll-Free Business Phone Number

Be brutal. I can take it, and I sincerely want to improve.

[Lyanna]

It's very good. I want to get my own toll free number now hahaha. Just kidding, I don't need one but page is very convincing.

The text itself is good, IMO, and sells the service well. However, the first three headlines are not interesting.

My Toll-Free Business Phone Number - this doesn't work for me. You need a title that makes it clear what people will be getting and why they need to get it now. I mean, what about your number makes it good?

How my business gained a professional phone system - and yours can, too! - this would be alright as part of the body text but as a headline it is lacking.

Take control of your phone number and your bill - hmm as the third thing people will read on your site it would be ok if the first two had built it up

I suggest something with more urgency that makes it clear what you are talking about. This needs to be done right away and not three paragraphs later.

Ex. (not very good, just off the top of my head)

Incredible offer - unlimited toll-free calls for your business
Pay only a flat monthly fee of $14.95
No more per minute rates for long-distance or international business calls

etc.

But you did a good job with the body text and I like the clean and simple design.

[Capitalist_Pig]

Thanks - in retrospect, I didn't even think of the site title as a headline. It's an image, so I just defaulted to the keyword I'm trying to hit SEO-wise, and payed more attention to the H1 and H2s below it.

I'll definately improve that. I think I just had a moment where I forgot that I'm writing for humans, not search engine spiders

FWIW, I"m driving traffic to the site right now with Adwords - ouch. CPCs are in the $3-$7 range, which I can't make money off of. Lower volume keywords are better, but still. I'm going to run a Facebook campaign as well and see if that can get me traffic at lower cost.

[Lyanna]

Originally Posted by Capitalist_Pig

Thanks - in retrospect, I didn't even think of the site title as a headline. It's an image, so I just defaulted to the keyword I'm trying to hit SEO-wise, and payed more attention to the H1 and H2s below it.

I'll definately improve that. I think I just had a moment where I forgot that I'm writing for humans, not search engine spiders

FWIW, I"m driving traffic to the site right now with Adwords - ouch. CPCs are in the $3-$7 range, which I can't make money off of. Lower volume keywords are better, but still. I'm going to run a Facebook campaign as well and see if that can get me traffic at lower cost.

Driving traffic to it right now? But the link is just the main website and not your affiliate link? Or is it just my browser?

[Capitalist_Pig]

Originally Posted by Lyanna

Driving traffic to it right now? But the link is just the main website and not your affiliate link? Or is it just my browser?

It's a LinkConnector thing. They call it a "naked link." I'm seeing my click-through recorded, so it seems to be working. I can't decide if it's a great thing or not, though. I have to register every site I use with LC, which kinda sucks, and I can't use it on forums and the like obviously.

On the other hand, even you didn't realize it was an affiliate link. I don't know if that really helps build trust, but I don't think it can hurt.

[travlinguy]

You have no headline to speak of. The copy is pretty vanilla, nothing very exciting. If you want to make sales you need to make your offer WAY MORE COMPELLING.

Ask yourself what is the absolute best thing about Toktumi. Work that into a couple of benefits and then take the best one and craft a headline.

You might also consider the problem/solution approach. Outline the problems that most people have with their phones or phone service and then explain how Toktumi eliminated those issues. You've got quite a way to go before this is ready for prime time. Good luck.

[tonydbaker]

I scanned over it and my immediate thought was... who am I and why am I here?

Who is your audience? Would something like... "How I Make My Work At Home Business Look Like a Fortune 500 Company" be a better direction to go for a headline?

"How I tripled my income by changing the way my prospective clients see me."

Or something like that.

You might start out with something that makes people feel like part of your community.

"Hello to My Work-At-Home Business Friends... if you're anything like me.. you've probably had problems with.... etc etc etc.

Now, I can charge more money because customers believe that I'm running a big business."

Or something like that.

What is the ultimate goal of the audience? More Money? More Freedom? More Prestige?

Just a few ideas!
Tony

[Justin Quick]

Hey! Great job.

This could give you some material to add, perhaps as bullets:

10 Reasons You Need a Toll Free Number

Also, PROOF always bumps response. I"m sure you can easily source studies that show that, perhaps, customers are more likely to dial toll free numbers or whatever conclusion works best for you.

Keep it up!

Justin

[Capitalist_Pig]

Originally Posted by Justin Quick

Hey! Great job.

This could give you some material to add, perhaps as bullets:

10 Reasons You Need a Toll Free Number

Also, PROOF always bumps response. I"m sure you can easily source studies that show that, perhaps, customers are more likely to dial toll free numbers or whatever conclusion works best for you.

Keep it up!

Justin

Awesome, thanks! I've started thin and simple, but my CTR isn't what I want it to be yet. I've got a couple of ideas on how to fix that, and this is a great one. I've got a short list on there now, but I honestly added it as an afterthought, because it felt like I needed one. A stronger, targetted list like this will greatly strengthen the lead-up to my final call-to-action at the bottom of the page.

[Bruce Wedding]

How do YOU define professional? To me, a professional is one whom is paid for their services.

[Channing]

I'm just reading it as a normal visitor, and you are long-winded as hell. Lost my interest after the "Try TokTumi Free" red button.
After that point, what I was wondering about was this: "How reliable is this service?" and "What is customer support like?"
But then you went into a whole new WAVE of text that did not interest me.
Need something else after that button.
Like a big comparison chart, or a list chart, showing all the features and benefits at a glance.
Too much text, man. That's my opinion.
The plus is the photo with your kid, also I felt comfortable that you are a normal guy from Arkansas...I am from Oklahoma...so I had no problem believing you are who you say you are and not just some s**t talking goober trying to sell me something.

[RickDuris]

Hint: Nobody wants a toll free business number. Nobody cares how cheap it is.

However--Everybody wants what a toll free number will do for them.

What do you think the BIG benefits of a toll free number are?

- Rick Duris

[Capitalist_Pig]

I've incorporated many of the opinions and advice offered here into a new test through Google Website Optimizer - I can't wait to see how it compares

The modified page can be found here: Business Toll Free Number

(Edit, 4/21/2011: After testing, the modified page converted better and changes have been integrated into the main page)

Thanks all of you who took the time to critique - I'm sure I'll look back at these and laugh in a year or so, when I've got 50 or 60 of these things all around the net.

This is also the first time I've used Google Website Optimizer. I do statistics as a big part of my day job, so I'll be doing my own math on the side, but it was *really* easy to set up. Next, I need to learn multivariate testing so I can work on modifying single content blocks on Wordpress blogs

I love IM. This is so much more fun than actually doing work.

[sr41056]

I like your site. I don't have a need for a toll free number but if I ever do I know where to go. Well done.

[Steve Faber]

Overall it's pretty good, but I found a few things to look at:

Change your headline. Most people would answer "No" to the headline question, and you don't want them to start off saying "no".

Use your subhead as your headline, or something else:
"I About Died When I Found Out How Much My Phone Was Costing My Small Business"
or
"Small Business Owner - Your Phone is Probably Strangling Your Business"
or
"Small Business Owner - You Probably Aren't Even Aware How Much Your Current Phone Set Up is Costing Your Business, But Recent Studies Have Shown That It's Plenty"

I also found some gramatical errors stashed away in there.

"there are plenty of thing we'd all rather" - forgot the "s" on things

easily get ahold of someone in your company
change to:
"easily contact your company and get their problem solved fast, so they're happy and you keep your hard earned customer."

Do you put each employee's phoen number on the website, and in every ad?
change to - phone number

I hope this helps

[Jamie Lewis]

I think the headline.. "Do you really know how much your phone is costing your business" could be bigger, more of an explanation of benefits and catchier.