WSO Sales Copy

Ryan Shaw · 03-03-2011, 04:41 PM

I just paid for a new sales letter.

Do you think it's too long for the WF?

How can I improve the conversions. Currently getting 3%.

http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...f-special.html

Joe Motion · 03-03-2011, 04:48 PM

I remember seeing that sales page a few days ago - I really liked it

Bill Jeffels · 03-03-2011, 06:23 PM

Hey Ryan,

I see a lot of clutter and confusion in the headline subhead etc.

Here's something quick I put together for you:

If you've been struggling to succeed at consulting, this is how you can…

“ Discover Proven Strategies And Techniques You Can Put Into Action And Get Your First Offline Client Consulting Within 24 Hours “

Here’s how you can land your
First $500 offline client… tomorrow

From the desk of Ryan Shaw:
Tuesday 9:28 am

Damn dirty lies… everywhere!

I’m sick of it. Here’s my story . And what I’ve got for you…

If you want to test that, go for it.

Take care,

Bill Jeffels

.

wordwizard · 03-03-2011, 08:33 PM

Hi Ryan,

I agree with Bill. The copy can be made a lot tighter, starting with the headline.

You might want to experiment wtih tightening it up even more...
And I also believe you might want to experiment with something a little less confrontational than the "lies" line at the beginning, and instead focus on connecting with the reader...

Below is my version ;-)

Elisabeth

Are you struggling with getting offline clients?

Apply THESE Proven Strategies
And Get Your First Offline Consulting Client...
Within 24 Hours

Take Action Now And Make Your First $500 Tomorrow!

Dear Frustrated Offline Marketer,

you've tried and tried and tried. You've spent hundreds (or possibly even thousands) on WSOs and miscellaneous offline courses and videos, and studied them all too. In fact, you've got a veritable who's who in offline marketing on your hard drive.

Maybe you've cold-called, pounded the pavement, sent scores of emails, and given dozens or even hundreds of sales presentations, and...

NOTHING!

What gives? Is offline marketing just a cruel hoax? It sure sells products, but the real success stories seem to be few and far between.

And yet -- there really IS money to be made. A lot of money! And there's money out there for you too.

But here's what it takes....

etc.

The Copy Nazi · 03-04-2011, 09:45 AM

[Offliners] How I went from Ramen Noodles to $10,000 a month

Daniel Sanchez · 03-04-2011, 03:20 PM

Too much going on.

Bills got a simple great simple headline -

I would shorten it to:

Get Your First Offline Client Within 24 Hours...

Even If You Have No Idea What You Are Doing!

Subhead: I'll Show You the Same Step By Step Formula I Taught A 23 Year Old Newbie like yourself to make 5 figures in 58 days! (no stone left unturned)

....Or something like that. I don't have a lot of time to rewrite your sales letter

Point is:

Needs to be shorter
Hit the right Hot buttons
Qualify Your Prospect

And make them outrageously curious...and you don't need more words to do that.

The other route take a lot more research but you spout out a dominant emotion as a headline...takes a lot of research and your better know what the heck you are doing

mcfur · 03-08-2011, 06:42 AM

Hi Ryan.. i like your sales letter

Daniel Harper · 03-09-2011, 10:35 PM

Yikes!

That headline is both awkward and lacking in credibility.

How about:

Your First Paying Client in 24 hrs...
Or Your Money Back!

AnneE · 03-10-2011, 11:26 AM

I liked it, though I agree that some of the headline rewrites were more readable. BUT.... better writing and readability doesn't necessarily mean higher conversions.

One question I have about the actual product. What do you expect in terms of people having internet skills. Do people need to know what backlinks are, do they need to know HTML? The reason I'm asking is I have a friend who got laid off a while back. But he has only modest online experience. Is this course for someone like that? Or should they know the ropes of internet marketing?

AnneE · 03-10-2011, 11:39 AM

P.S. I was wondering...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels

From the desk of Ryan Shaw:
Tuesday 9:28 am

Damn dirty lies… everywhere!

I’m sick of it.

........

So is this letter, "damn dirty lies" ??

JacksonRiddle · 03-14-2011, 12:35 AM

Needs some tweaking but I thought something along the lines of

How Every [Onliner] Gets Off[line]

03-03-2011, 04:41 PM	#1
Ryan Shaw Offline Marketing Is King War Room Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Galloway, NJ Posts: 695 Thanks: 87 Thanked 210 Times in 111 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	WSO Sales Copy I just paid for a new sales letter. Do you think it's too long for the WF? How can I improve the conversions. Currently getting 3%. http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...f-special.html
	Get Offline Consulting: Step by Step For Free (Just Sold for $27! as a WSO) Visit My Offline Consulting Blog for Free Downloads, Videos, Interviews, and Tricks!

03-03-2011, 04:48 PM	#2
Joe Motion Location Independent War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Travelling, SE Asia Posts: 336 Thanks: 93 Thanked 65 Times in 46 Posts	Re: WSO Sales Copy I remember seeing that sales page a few days ago - I really liked it

03-03-2011, 06:23 PM	#3
Bill Jeffels Copywriter / Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 377 Thanks: 143 Thanked 92 Times in 82 Posts	Re: WSO Sales Copy Hey Ryan, I see a lot of clutter and confusion in the headline subhead etc. Here's something quick I put together for you: If you've been struggling to succeed at consulting, this is how you can… “ Discover Proven Strategies And Techniques You Can Put Into Action And Get Your First Offline Client Consulting Within 24 Hours “ Here’s how you can land your First $500 offline client… tomorrow From the desk of Ryan Shaw: Tuesday 9:28 am Damn dirty lies… everywhere! I’m sick of it. Here’s my story . And what I’ve got for you… If you want to test that, go for it. Take care, Bill Jeffels .
	Copywriting WSO:FINALLY, YOU CAN NOW DISCOVER THESE AMAZING COPYWRITING SECRETS TOO! Bond Halberts Bad Ass Blog " You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

03-03-2011, 08:33 PM	#4
wordwizard Senior Warrior Member War Room Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Virginia, USA. Posts: 1,345 Thanks: 191 Thanked 248 Times in 148 Posts Social Networking	Re: WSO Sales Copy Hi Ryan, I agree with Bill. The copy can be made a lot tighter, starting with the headline. You might want to experiment wtih tightening it up even more... And I also believe you might want to experiment with something a little less confrontational than the "lies" line at the beginning, and instead focus on connecting with the reader... Below is my version ;-) Elisabeth Are you struggling with getting offline clients? Apply THESE Proven Strategies And Get Your First Offline Consulting Client... Within 24 Hours Take Action Now And Make Your First $500 Tomorrow! Dear Frustrated Offline Marketer, you've tried and tried and tried. You've spent hundreds (or possibly even thousands) on WSOs and miscellaneous offline courses and videos, and studied them all too. In fact, you've got a veritable who's who in offline marketing on your hard drive. Maybe you've cold-called, pounded the pavement, sent scores of emails, and given dozens or even hundreds of sales presentations, and... NOTHING! What gives? Is offline marketing just a cruel hoax? It sure sells products, but the real success stories seem to be few and far between. And yet -- there really IS money to be made. A lot of money! And there's money out there for you too. But here's what it takes.... etc.
	FREE GUIDE - Make Money Online! * * * AGED DOMAINS for Sale CLICK HERE for My WSOs: eMoney Magic! Copywriting! Blogging Course! Affil. Promo Packs!

03-04-2011, 09:45 AM	#5
The Copy Nazi Mal Lambe War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Bunker, Paris Posts: 2,489 Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 791 Thanked 1,481 Times in 701 Posts Social Networking Contact Info	Re: WSO Sales Copy [Offliners] How I went from Ramen Noodles to $10,000 a month

03-04-2011, 03:20 PM	#6
Daniel Sanchez HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Canada Posts: 150 Thanks: 119 Thanked 50 Times in 40 Posts	Re: WSO Sales Copy Too much going on. Bills got a simple great simple headline - I would shorten it to: Get Your First Offline Client Within 24 Hours... Even If You Have No Idea What You Are Doing! Subhead: I'll Show You the Same Step By Step Formula I Taught A 23 Year Old Newbie like yourself to make 5 figures in 58 days! (no stone left unturned) ....Or something like that. I don't have a lot of time to rewrite your sales letter Point is: Needs to be shorter Hit the right Hot buttons Qualify Your Prospect And make them outrageously curious...and you don't need more words to do that. The other route take a lot more research but you spout out a dominant emotion as a headline...takes a lot of research and your better know what the heck you are doing

03-08-2011, 06:42 AM	#7
mcfur HyperActive Warrior War Room Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 105 Thanks: 5 Thanked 13 Times in 12 Posts Social Networking	Re: WSO Sales Copy Hi Ryan.. i like your sales letter
	GET IT FREE >> My Ninja Tricks To Get INSTANT $1,000/Day From CPA Offers .

03-09-2011, 10:35 PM	#8
Daniel Harper HyperActive Warrior Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 135 Thanks: 12 Thanked 25 Times in 18 Posts	Re: WSO Sales Copy Yikes! That headline is both awkward and lacking in credibility. How about: Your First Paying Client in 24 hrs... Or Your Money Back!

03-10-2011, 11:26 AM	#9
AnneE In Denial About Age War Room Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Catskill mountains of New York Posts: 686 Blog Entries: 5 Thanks: 104 Thanked 99 Times in 67 Posts	Re: WSO Sales Copy I liked it, though I agree that some of the headline rewrites were more readable. BUT.... better writing and readability doesn't necessarily mean higher conversions. One question I have about the actual product. What do you expect in terms of people having internet skills. Do people need to know what backlinks are, do they need to know HTML? The reason I'm asking is I have a friend who got laid off a while back. But he has only modest online experience. Is this course for someone like that? Or should they know the ropes of internet marketing?
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03-14-2011, 12:35 AM	#11
JacksonRiddle Article Marketer War Room Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Melbourne Posts: 505 Thanks: 54 Thanked 107 Times in 44 Posts Contact Info	Re: WSO Sales Copy Needs some tweaking but I thought something along the lines of How Every [Onliner] Gets Off[line]
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